Yeah, it doesn't make a lot of sense that she'd offer that day so you could have more time & then want to take a different day away from you. That's a WAS's logic for you though.
I heard a woman talking on the radio today that I found interesting. Her name is Amy Baker & she wrote a book called "Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties that Bind". It's about parents who are alientated by their children because of the other spouse's actions. She said that she gives examples of what you can do when/if you start seeing signs that your ex is trying to alienate you from your child. I promised my H that I would never harm his relationship with D4 and I hope he never does it with me. However, I can see how others just don't care how it affects their children. Unfortunately, my BIL is one of those people. He and my SIL are divorcing. He made a huge scene at their house just last week which made their D7 fall apart and break down in tears. He said some horrible things to her about not being a family anymore & then he ripped apart (verbally) my SIL to D7. My H has a temper, but not in the same way as my BIL. However, that's my #1 reason for wanting peace between H & I.
Have a good one.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
I worry sometimes that your W is trying to alienate you as well, nocode.
I don't have the answer for you. One hand, you could be flexible and switch things around, but one the other hand, why should YOU be flexible when she is the exact opposite. I just don't know, nocode. Am I right that it would give you the opportunity to see them during the long time W has them? At this point in my life, I can't imagine not seeing my girls for even a day, but you are in this a bit deeper with the separation stuff. I worry she is using S7's "special needs" when it works for her, but uses it against you. This would prove he could tolerate a bit more change up.
Thinking of you. Tough decisions. Try (ugh) to make them for your son's benefit, not with your W's probable reasons for wanting the change.
Wow. I am almost at a loss for words. I talked to W this evening abut her proposal to swap evenings during each of our custody stints. Amazingly, W is willing now to try a 7-7 parenting schedule under the stipulation we can take an evening during each other's week to alleviate the long period without them. She would like to "try" this arrangement.
I said that was very agreeable to me, of course. And though tonight was too short of notice for me as well as the fact that me being in a Bible Study class this particular evening wasn't really much in the way of quality time with our S's, I was willing to take our S's to get a haircut later this week and then to take them swimming. W thought that was a good idea (yeah, since I will pick up the tab for the haircuts. )
It's a start. For the first time in over 11 months now, W is willing to take a step in my direction for a change. Miracle of miracles, we actually have a chance at detente.
I will try to follow up on this in more detail with W. I am not getting my hopes up too much -- I am still very wary and very sensitive to all the hurt I have had to endure. But this is the first real positive sign I've seen that we might be able to call a cease-fire. For my S's I am very encouraged.
I am very encouraged too. I think she is realizing how hard it is to 1) be away from them for long periods but also 2) being with them for long periods of time with no break. This could work for everyone, and I am glad you are open to trying it with W.
I pray it goes through. It will open the door to more peaceful compromise.
I really appreciate the prayers, Lwb. I need all I can get.
And I pray for all of us nightly.
I need to mention another thing: I guess I am feeling a little guilty now for having thought the worst about W's motives earlier -- but only a little... since all I have seen of W in the last year has been her worst.
I had my S's last evening. Took them for haircuts then a swim in the pool, then back to W before bedtime. I enjoyed it very much, and I hope they did too.
So far the change in the parenting schedule is holding up -- and I am very hopeful. Starting this week, I will have the boys for seven days (instead of just five) every other week -- except for this week -- W is taking them out of town tonight to visit her family two hours east of here in "Little Washington".
That brings up a major point. While W has been seemingly more than cooperative enough, especially since relenting on the 50-50 demand, I hold tonight and this weekend with very mixed emotions. It was the Friday before Father's Day last year at this time that I discovered my W's infidelity. My world was turned completely upside down in a heartbeat. For me it is painful deja vu all over again -- then, like now W had our S's, visiting with family overnight in Little Washington. Then, like now, W was treacherously planning the end of our M -- although now I am fully aware of it. Then, like now, W was being very secretive and quiet about what her real plans and motives were/are. I guess for quite a long time now she has kept me in the dark about what is really going on in her mind.
I wonder if she realizes the full significance of this weekend, these particular dates, are to me.
I know, focus on the positives. Well, I sort of did that last time. We had had a discussion the (Thursday) night before the bomb, where she had tried to broach the subject of us separating under the pretenses it would be for my sake (because I was so depressed) -- which I rejected/declined and told her we should work together on our problems together as a family. And we left it like that.
But then I found the truth out, and it's been Hell on earth ever since... (Okay, well maybe Purgatory then).
But at least I have been struggling back onto God's path as a result of this ordeal -- I can be thankful for that. I might have remained totally lost in depression were it not for this crisis.
An odd irony that.
I have to admit I do love her still. Seeing her last evening when I picked up and then dropped off the kids, I couldn't help but feel that tug on my heart. She still attracts me, invokes that natural feeling I have had towards her since the beginning. But her personality is so changed. I just don't love the person she is being right now. I see the glimmers of the woman I knew and loved for 18 years, which draws me to her, but then there is this veneer, this mantle of darkness enshrouding her soul now, an air of entitlement and selfishness, that repulses me. Even as nice as she has been this week. And that stays my hand, and saddens me.
---
Tonight I am going out to meet some friends at Chili's for drinks and desserts. We'll have a lot to talk about.
Im glad she is starting to settle down with this, as this will make it easier on you and the boys.
Its about time
As far as the dates go, I do doubt she has an idea of the exact date that this all went down, only becuase they are so clouded with everything else, she probably doesn't remember what happend last month.
of course you still love her, that's understandable, you will with her for 18 years.. but the love will change, probably just that you care for her, and that will be it. She isn't the person you married, and probably won't ever be unless she makes some major changes. that is the person you fell in love with, not the person she is right now.
Have fun tonight.. have a drink for me
(((hugs)))
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Well, It's just after 8:00 pm in NC right now, so I hope that means you're out with those friends and having a great time. You certainly do deserve it.
I've heard a lot of people mention their "trigger" dates lately and those dates that invoke painful memories. You know, I thought my H was having an A for quite a while before I confronted him, so I can't remember the exact "bomb" date for me. Some dates in July will hit me hard though. July was when H introduced me to OW & her H, smiling all the while telling me how we'd all have so much in common. Makes me sick to think of it. I'm sure it will never cross his mind though. I'm with tal on this one. I don't think those dates even cross their minds. I wish they'd understand someday how hard it is and how difficult those days can be.
I'm glad you have a good evening with your sons. You're a great dad and you've done a spectacular job of sticking to your guns to make sure you're as big a part of their lives as possible.
Have a good weekend! I'll be thinking of you!
SueS
......came back on to say have a Happy Father's Day too.
Last edited by SueS; 06/14/0812:12 AM.
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Just wanted to stop by and say Happy Father's Day early. My world shattered 2 years ago this next weekend so I can totally relate. I'll try to do better checking in on you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Just wanted to stop by and say Happy Father's Day early. My world shattered 2 years ago this next weekend so I can totally relate. I'll try to do better checking in on you.
kat
Me too! Happy Father's Day, Nocode! So will your sons be back in time to spend Father's Day with you??? Karen
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