Not much to update, D11 lost both soccer games on Saturday and they lost on Sunday also. They played their hearts out but came up abit short in the end D11 was pretty dejected, told her you wish you could always win, but sometimes its just not in the cards (wonder if this applies to my sitch also) gave her a big hug and told her I was proud of her.
Had some more interaction with W at Sunday's soccer game it was all good, this makes me wonder though if the anger is subsiding abit or is W just becoming comfortable in her new world? Probably the latter at this point. Every time I see her it just reminds me of why I married her so beautiful....
Oh well can't think that way right now. That's all for now.
told her you wish you could always win, but sometimes its just not in the cards (wonder if this applies to my sitch also)
I'm gonna lightly tap you with a 2x4 here..it's good that you are teaching your D about winning and losing but it really does not apply to your sitch. Your sitch is not a game. There are no winners or loosers..everybody looses in a D. Your sitch is about making you better, it's not about fixing the M or your W.
Quote:
Had some more interaction with W at Sunday's soccer game it was all good, this makes me wonder though if the anger is subsiding abit or is W just becoming comfortable in her new world? Probably the latter at this point. Every time I see her it just reminds me of why I married her so beautiful....
Maybe the anger is subsiding, maybe she is comfortable, maybe she's dropping her guard because she likes what she is seeing..I bet she looks pretty as a picture..Question is did you look drop dead handsome for her?? LOL.
The purpose of this post is this Brian, it's to let you know this is about you. Make you better. Shake her up and make her think, "boy, look what I'm giving up. How could I do that?"
Carry on brother..let her go. GAL big time. Make a point to do it.
"I'm gonna lightly tap you with a 2x4 here..it's good that you are teaching your D about winning and losing but it really does not apply to your sitch. Your sitch is not a game. There are no winners or loosers..everybody looses in a D. Your sitch is about making you better, it's not about fixing the M or your W."
Thanks Mike, THAT DIDN'T HURT TOO BAD, HAHA, just a bit of pity party today woke up in a funk working on it, I will be fine.
"Maybe the anger is subsiding, maybe she is comfortable, maybe she's dropping her guard because she likes what she is seeing..I bet she looks pretty as a picture..Question is did you look drop dead handsome for her?? LOL."
I don't know what she is thinking, maybe that's why the funk. Have always been able to 'read' my W, but in this sitch I just have no idea. I could look in her eyes and tell, but since she won't look at me eye to eye it's perplexing! They say the eyes are the path to the soul. Yes, I always make myself look good when I know I will be seeing her. Whether it works or not only she knows that for sure.
just a bit of pity party today woke up in a funk working on it, I will be fine.
gotta drop the pity parties. Do some crunches. Do some push-ups. Work on your core exercises.
Quote:
I don't know what she is thinking, maybe that's why the funk. Have always been able to 'read' my W, but in this sitch I just have no idea. I could look in her eyes and tell, but since she won't look at me eye to eye it's perplexing! They say the eyes are the path to the soul. Yes, I always make myself look good when I know I will be seeing her. Whether it works or not only she knows that for sure.
You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what she is thinking. You can't read a WAW that's why you have no idea. One day she will be fine, the next day she'll suck. She's riding a coaster, let her ride and you stand to the side and wave as she go's round and round. Just be prepared to comfort her when she gets off the coaster and she's throwing up. When she comes to talk or brings something up, actively listen and validate her feelings. Give her a shoulder to cry on and be her sounding board. Be her "rock".
She's not looking you in the eye because she carries lots of guilt. Guilt from the M, guilt about leaving, she may even be carrying guilt about things that happened in her childhood. She might mistakenly think she did something to bring all that on.
You be patient, she will look you in the eye. You don't backslide, you man up. You be better. I guarentee she will at the least, look you in the eye.
"gotta drop the pity parties. Do some crunches. Do some push-ups. Work on your core exercises."
Yes they are self defeating and lead you NOWHERE. Got up to late this morning to workout will hit it hard tonight it definitely helps me be more positive.
"You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what she is thinking. You can't read a WAW that's why you have no idea. One day she will be fine, the next day she'll suck. She's riding a coaster, let her ride and you stand to the side and wave as she go's round and round. Just be prepared to comfort her when she gets off the coaster and she's throwing up. When she comes to talk or brings something up, actively listen and validate her feelings. Give her a shoulder to cry on and be her sounding board. Be her "rock"."
Here is some irony for you, she can't stand amusement park rides makes her literally sick to her stomach LOL, yet she is on ONE heck of a ride now. I will not get on it. At this point in time any convo we have is still through texting, god I hate texting, but I guess it's communicating at any rate, it does make it easy not to react gives me time to answer, and to validate in a manner as to not say the wrong thing.
"You be patient, she will look you in the eye. You don't backslide, you man up. You be better. I guarentee she will at the least, look you in the eye."
I will not let her lead me down a cheeseless tunnel, act not react be in control of myself and then there is no room for backsliding, workingout is helping me 'manup' I know I can't control the sitch just sucks.
Okay, yesterday was pretty depressing due to my finances being smoked because of W making the selfish decision to leave and just expecting me to cover the slack. Gee how unfair can it be wish I could just walk away from responsibilities like that and make decisions only for myself and live in a FOG must be rough!
I feel like I am in a tornado that won't stop spinning Auntie Em Auntie Em... just click your heels 3 times and say there is no place like home, there is no place like home...
This is a test of your Warning Broadcast Channel, this is just a test, stay tuned to your local channels for more information...
Okay got that out, fill abit better just needed to be immature for a moment. As Mike would say now it's time to get back to the high road and lay out a plan to get out of this mess and at the same time not give the W anymore fuel for the D fire.
I guess start with making some phone calls, lawyer, bank, and see what options I have available get as much info as I can and lay it out and make a decision based on that. Keep my head up high and do all that I can and hope for the best at this point...
Okay, yesterday was pretty depressing due to my finances being smoked because of W making the selfish decision to leave and just expecting me to cover the slack. Gee how unfair can it be wish I could just walk away from responsibilities like that and make decisions only for myself and live in a FOG must be rough!
I feel like I am in a tornado that won't stop spinning Auntie Em Auntie Em... just click your heels 3 times and say there is no place like home, there is no place like home...
This is a test of your Warning Broadcast Channel, this is just a test, stay tuned to your local channels for more information...
Okay got that out, fill abit better just needed to be immature for a moment. As Mike would say now it's time to get back to the high road and lay out a plan to get out of this mess and at the same time not give the W anymore fuel for the D fire.
I guess start with making some phone calls, lawyer, bank, and see what options I have available get as much info as I can and lay it out and make a decision based on that. Keep my head up high and do all that I can and hope for the best at this point...
Brian
I think you're correct to be proactive. Most of the time creditors will work with you if you explain the sitch to them. Is everything in your name or is it joint?? CC's Joint/bank accounts all that?? Decisions made with a clear head are 99% of the time, good decisions.
finanacial stuff is all business and try to think of it that way. Just take care of your business. Keep doing what you're doing..
You'll need to be careful around the W with the financial stuff..that's a backslide waiting to happen. Put yourself in a good mental place if you need to talk to her about it.
Okay, yesterday was pretty depressing due to my finances being smoked because of W making the selfish decision to leave and just expecting me to cover the slack. Gee how unfair can it be wish I could just walk away from responsibilities like that and make decisions only for myself and live in a FOG must be rough!
I feel like I am in a tornado that won't stop spinning Auntie Em Auntie Em... just click your heels 3 times and say there is no place like home, there is no place like home...
This is a test of your Warning Broadcast Channel, this is just a test, stay tuned to your local channels for more information...
Okay got that out, fill abit better just needed to be immature for a moment. As Mike would say now it's time to get back to the high road and lay out a plan to get out of this mess and at the same time not give the W anymore fuel for the D fire.
I guess start with making some phone calls, lawyer, bank, and see what options I have available get as much info as I can and lay it out and make a decision based on that. Keep my head up high and do all that I can and hope for the best at this point...
Brian
I think you're correct to be proactive. Most of the time creditors will work with you if you explain the sitch to them. Is everything in your name or is it joint?? CC's Joint/bank accounts all that?? Decisions made with a clear head are 99% of the time, good decisions.
finanacial stuff is all business and try to think of it that way. Just take care of your business. Keep doing what you're doing..
You'll need to be careful around the W with the financial stuff..that's a backslide waiting to happen. Put yourself in a good mental place if you need to talk to her about it.
Everything is pretty much joint, she has some CC's in her name as I do in mine. The house is joint however her name comes first, I have been told that this makes her primary? Not sure how that works though.
I understand it's business, but I don't think she will see it that way. Obviously, this is something that she & I need to converse about, it will effect her just as badly in the long run if something isn't done ASAP. I won't go this alone, she is part of this whole picture and will have to realize her responsibilty here one way or another.
Hey Brian just checking in with ya buddy! You hang in there and be strong and worry about you and not what your wife is doing or thinking. I often wonder to what is going on in that head of theirs but like everyone says you will never be able to figure out anything in that complex machine of theirs cause they have no path right now.
Lately with me working out it gives me so much energy and I feel like I am 21 all over again which also gives me that PMA. When I see my wife now I am like a little kid in a candy store and happy as all get up. I have been doing what you told me and let everything slide off the ducks back
Sorry I don't have much advice for ya but you hang in there and stay positive! You take care of yourself and your daughter and show the wife what she will be missing.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hi SC, I just got caught up on your sitch and (sorry) I busted out laughing OMG how scary was that your poor hair. I am so pleased for you things seem good at the moment for you. You and H had some positive flow going.
I am hanging in there, not much to update I'm not sure at the moment who is darker W or me. I still am not contacting her letting her do that and just giving her the space that she wanted.
Things haven't changed much, like I told SC don't know who is darker W or me but just trying to stay the course right now and letting her iniate contact and give her the space she wanted. This is so taxing on ones mind, I get it now why detaching is so important. Just taking it day by day and solve one thing at a time.
My heart right now is going out to Mike, and I am asking myself if we are the smarter species how does it get to this point...
Thanks for checking in on me, I posted on your thread don't know if you saw it or not
Things haven't changed much, like I told SC don't know who is darker W or me but just trying to stay the course right now and letting her iniate contact and give her the space she wanted. This is so taxing on ones mind, I get it now why detaching is so important. Just taking it day by day and solve one thing at a time.
My heart right now is going out to Mike, and I am asking myself if we are the smarter species how does it get to this point...
Thanks for checking in on me, I posted on your thread don't know if you saw it or not
Peace be in your heart
Brian
Brian. I'm alright, don't worry about me. I am here for you brother. When you saw the picture of the Davey Allison look alike today, I never got anything. Could you go back and try again?
Mike I do worry hate to see people in pain guess that's just my sappy side, be well brother I to am here for you.
Quick update....
Having some VERY severe weather here in Nebraska, tornados, hail, 60-70 mile an hour wind, so who does W call (she hates this kind of weather),ME totally in tears, just terrified the sirens were going off she was tweeking, so I got her calmed down told her to go to her basement or a interior wall perferably the stairway wall going downstairs. I reassured her she would be fine, told her to get a blanket to protect herself with, the kids weren't home so she was really freaking out. As much as I wanted to tell her I loved her I didn't just told her I am here for you and I am there in spirit.
She called me back 20 minutes later and asked if it was safe to come out, I said was about to call you and tell you it was okay.
Hard not to persue in that sitch but I think I handled it okay?
When I was posting that, thought about your H and low and behold when I was just reading your post you mentioned it I knew it was headed that way from the reports they were giving. Hope they are fine my thoughts go out to them...
Quick update...
W just texted me and said " given the situation it was nice to know you were concerned & took the time to talk to me, I really do appreciate it. Only you and mom know how much I hate storms. Thanks again. I am fine now."
That's the nicest she has talked(text) to me since Aug '07. Not reading anything into it was just nice to hear.
You're in Nebraska? My mom was born in O'Neill.. we'd go there as kids and even had our own library cards. Loved the state, hated driving past all the cornfields.
Hey Brian, really good job on comforting her. You did awesome ! Keep up the good work, & I think it was good that you didn't say ILY. I felt bad a while ago when H would say it, & I was too mad to say it back.
I didn't know you're in Nebraska, I dated a Husker. He was crazy fun.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
RF - Well done sir, have a read of SC latest post to know where your W is at. I think that will help a lot of us H in this sitch, great inside info !!!
When I was posting that, thought about your H and low and behold when I was just reading your post you mentioned it I knew it was headed that way from the reports they were giving. Hope they are fine my thoughts go out to them...
Quick update...
W just texted me and said " given the situation it was nice to know you were concerned & took the time to talk to me, I really do appreciate it. Only you and mom know how much I hate storms. Thanks again. I am fine now."
That's the nicest she has talked(text) to me since Aug '07. Not reading anything into it was just nice to hear.
Brian
Excellant brother just excellant. I told you earlier to be a "shoulder for her to cry on" and you have pulled it off perfectly. Someone to comfort her but smart enough to know that you must do it with no emotion and no ILY's..
very good Brian. I am very impressed. You have come far in a short time.
Keep in mind that she may flip back to the "mean" WAW next time you talk/text to her. prepare yourself.
That's exactly how I took it also, I have seen too many emotions coming out on this board last couple of days that have wrenched my heart, I guess the fact that I was so surprised she called I didn't have time to analyze it just reacted, at the time I was thinking of D11 she was at a sleep-over so worried for her kept my emotions low on W.
O'Neill very familar with it, I am in Lincoln. There is alot of that in Neb and not much more well besides BEEF.
SC.... thanks most of the time I am just winging it like everyone else, just tryin not to backslide. In sitches like that last night when you care/love someone your natural response is "it's goona be okay & I love you," it really sucked not being able to say that but was hoping my just being there would speak louder, guess it kinda did but taking it for face value.
Go MIGHTY Huskers, we might just turn out to be the team of the past with Bo at the helm. I have no doubts he was 'crazy' fun we tend to drink and tad bit too much in this town on home game Sat
Arthur, glad you stopped by. Haven't had time to get over to SC but will check it out thanks. We will see where things go from here not expecting nothing from it just felt good.
"Someone to comfort her but smart enough to know that you must do it with no emotion and no ILY's.."
It twern't easy in a sitch like that where there is worry and concern like for a W or H ya know? At that moment my thoughts and concern were greater for D11, she was at a sleep over and it had me concerned, and it is amazing that things that get told to me on here & things other people say do at times pop into your head. Hard to explain.
"very good Brian. I am very impressed. You have come far in a short time."
Thanks appreciate that I know the road is going to be long and full of holes....
"Keep in mind that she may flip back to the "mean" WAW next time you talk/text to her. prepare yourself."
Mike I have no doubts she will flip, those types of sitch's like bad weather, car accidents, etc. I think there is a core value there that is just instinct and the WAS if there is no OP/OM/OW their mind just goes directly to the one that always has been there maybe don't know just a thought....
BobbiJo... by the sounds of it yes suppose to be another bad night, the ground can't take much more water, it's starting to flood around here. Trying to get to work this morning was an adventure, Salt Creek that pretty much runs through the state was major flooded I work in Crete and commute, there was no way to get here most bridges were flooded out. Finally had to go thru about 3 feet of water to get to another road but made it, thank god for a 4x4. Hope H's family weathered (no pun intended) the strom and are okay.
I hope that she can continue in positive convo, but I don't expect it, I'm sure I will go from Hero to Zero.
That's her battle not mine just have to remember that...
Yes, outside KC here. Last i looked storm is only for a few hours in middle of night. I hope it doesnt mess up the DTR around here for tomorrow. (dirt track racin for those in question)
my stories
M-31 W-28 S7 D2.5 T 8, M 4 W filed 2-14-08 D on hold 3/08 D off hold 5/08 D to be final on/by Nov 08 Anniv 9-4 looked hopeful
I will thanks for the caring. Sounds like it could be worse than last night. Take care of you! Hope H's parents will be fine if it heads that way again tonight, will keep you all in my thoughts. Startin to thunder now OH BOY .....
Hopefully it doesn't but sounds like it could be worse than last night. Knew exactly what DTR was, was a crew chief on a 360 Winged Sprint for 5 years here in Neb. Do it in the DIRT turn left and hang on!!!!!
Hey Brian, just checking in. How's the storm ? We had a huge wind & rain storm last night too. Trees around our neighborhood were down this morning.
Take care.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hope you are okay and didn't have too much damage around your place. About 9:10 here and seems as though the weather is starting to pick-up abit hope it won't be like last night.
Hey Brian, (I always want to call you Bri, I had a b/f named Brian, & that's what I called him, lol)
Anyway, our place was fine, we had to do some quick scrambling when the wind picked up so fast, & the rain was something else, but no damage to our property.
Didn't you say your W was home alone ? were the kids with you ? Just curious, a mom thing I guess, wondering where were the kids during the storm ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Glad you didn't have any damage at your home. Last night's storms to really come to bear at all which is good considering the ground can't take anymore water.
Yes she was home alone, D11 was at a sleep-over and D17 was at work when it all the other night, so kiddos were as safe thanks for the concern
I meant E-85 in that post, what the heck was I thinking? But yep, fast is good. It rained like I read it, but wasnt too violent around here. Rained about an inch so I dont know if my buddies will be racing tonight or not. I hope they do. Changed leaf springs last night. (b-mods)
my stories
M-31 W-28 S7 D2.5 T 8, M 4 W filed 2-14-08 D on hold 3/08 D off hold 5/08 D to be final on/by Nov 08 Anniv 9-4 looked hopeful
jandn... I knew what you meant. Glad the weather wasn't violent sounds like it will be Saturday before the next round hits. As far as racin as long as fans can park and get to the grandstand, and the water isn't standin on the track...and there is somebody there that KNOWS how to work a track 'in' they should race. All that rain does is make for a fast TACKY track.... that's go racin....
Need to call buddy, cause the local track got rained out, but I looked on another track and they are specfically accepting the b-mod class cause they know they got rained out. That track, no matter how much rain we get, always race. Only 20 miles apart. Should be a good show with other tracks raining out and going there also.
my stories
M-31 W-28 S7 D2.5 T 8, M 4 W filed 2-14-08 D on hold 3/08 D off hold 5/08 D to be final on/by Nov 08 Anniv 9-4 looked hopeful
Sheesh I would give anything to have a 1/4 of the rain you guys are getting. Still trying to figure out why we moved to the desert! Hope all is well with ya Brian.
Not too mention a long night with all of you racin at one track, the fans sittin in the stands will definitely get their monies worth for sure. Hope you guys get to race, I miss it ALOT!
jonzy.... bro how ya doing? You want some of it just bring your buckets, there is enough water standin the ground can't take it in fast enough. Well if you ask my W she would tell you cause it is gorgous down there, she lived in Pheonix for several years, don't remember exactly where, but she always wanted to move back there. We had talked about it when we would retire but who the h*ll knows now. I would go just for the golfin that's for sure.
Hey guys, just jumping in on the race talk! Love it! I'd fall asleep on a blanket listening to the roar of race cars when I was a kid. It must be hereditary 'cause now my nephew races and the whole family is involved. He's been racing mods for a number of years, has a Victory chassis for the 2nd year now and is racing better than ever! I plan vacations around Saturday nights at the track.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hey WCW....now you got me remembering back to when I was a kid, the parents would load me and my brothers in the family grocery go getter and head out to the track middle of the afternoon and eat and watch the races til the stroke of midnight. There is nothing finer than grass roots Saturday night short dirt track racin. The smell of methanol and dirt gettin thrown everywhere. Watchin guys slingin whatever kinda car into the corners at 100 plus miles an hour awesome, I really miss it.
Gosh I haven't got to see races like that in a long while. When I lived back there we used to go watch them at Doniphan. Was a good time getting pegged in the head by a large dirt clod!! Out here we have been to the Nascar races but that is not nearly as fun, although I did get to see Earnhardt Jr. slam into the wall right in front of me, that was intense cause we were 2 rows behind the fence on turn 4.
hey Brian--if you build it they will come..if it's buried deep then it stays down there. Up top is where we want it. I'm glad we moved it up. The more the merrier and the more help you get. Got anymore updates?? Soccer games?? are you getting to see your D at all?? Working out??
"hey Brian--if you build it they will come..if it's buried deep then it stays down there. Up top is where we want it. I'm glad we moved it up. The more the merrier and the more help you get."
That was your doing my friend, I built nothing other than a fast friendship I hope with someone I never met but feel as though I have known for years *TY*!
Update...
Thursday was a tag your it with W day. She had been trying to get a hold of me all day, finally hooked up on the phone in the afternoon. Seems D11 wanted to go to a 'R' rated movie 1 of the new gory ones, W told her no you aren't going well D11 who thinks sometimes she is older than she is decided she was going to give W attitude about it and basically hurt her feelings on the deal cause she didn't like her answer. So I am listen keeping my mouth shut and am about ready to validate W's position when she says "I guess I was just calling to get 'validated' (her word mind you) that I made the right decision?" Okay pick chin off of floor here! I said of course you did I just watched the trailer on the net and it made me jump no she isn't going. W says "well that makes me feel better that you agree".
Then she proceeds to thank me again for talking to her with the storm the night before, I said no thanks needed but you are welcome. Then later in the evening she sends a text saying she really appreciated my help with D11.
Thursday evening, had gotten the cell bill in the mail and we had a BIG problem! I had bought D11 a cell so that she could contact me or W at anytime since she had been walking to & from school and was a 'latch key' kid for the last quarter so she was home alone for about an hour till D17 got home. Plus since W was moving out want D11 to be able to reach me whenever she felt the need. Okay, long story short we have a family plan with 900 minutes to share between W, me, and D11 well D11 blew through 700 minutes in a MONTH. So I called & told W she was fuming could see the smoke through the phone, I said I got her the phone I will handle it she says you better I'm not paying for it. I said whoa down alittle (nice tone) I will call & have a talk with her. So call D11 told her I have talked to you twice before nicely now I am PO'd She says I am sorry didn't know, I said um I don't think that's the truth & she said well... I have been on it alot lately talking to my friends I said thank you that's better so got it worked out. Told W it is handled and I will just change the plan, she says thanks for handling that.
Friday AM...
W sends me an email first thing in the morning and wanted to know if I got to work okay cause of all the rain and flooding we have had. I said yes I am fine it was yesterday that was tough, see I commute 30 miles both ways for work and we have a creek that pretty much runs through Lincoln and it flooded out of its banks never seen it to that before but anyway I have to cross it to get where I am going. Well after trying to cross in 2 different places I had to back track and go thru water that was up to my doors, now I drive a half-ton Chevy pick-up if that tells ya anything and let me tell ya the water was flowing a good 20-25 miles an hour I being a DAM and in a 4x4 I hit the water doing about 35 miles an hour (dah water) needless to say it washed over on the motor and was getting the distribuator wet okay I have twinkies comin out of you know where so I slam into 4 wheel drive and drop it into 2nd gear and start featherin the gas peddle and made it thru bout half a mile what a dumb ARS! Well W basically agreed with my sentiment of myself and comes back with maybe you oughta put a canoe in the back haha.
Friday PM...
Just hangin out at home tonight washin my 'canoe' (truck) W calls wanting to know since I have plans tomorrow if I want D11 on Sunday, I said that was nice to offer but have plans. Well she then preceeded to start a new convo and started to tell me about her day (hasn't done that in months) so I am listen and interjecting at points and we are chuckling (thank-you been a long time) I say you sound like you have a cold are you okay? She says don't know whats wrong not sick just have a scratchy throat must be allergies or something. She works at a hospital and she was talking to a PA about it and PA said you should take something she has taken Allegra in the past but quit cause she didn't think it was helping. PA said try something different so here is where I started to backslide & started trying to 'fix it' I said well you know there are different....ooops caught myself backtracked and said maybe the PA was right but I am sure you will figure out what's best for yourself and get it handled. Think that was okay? Well it had been going on for about 15 minutes and I said I had better let you go so that you can rest your voice and get something to drink I said I will talk to you later and have a good rest of the night and said goodbye and she said well okay..?? talk to you later bye, and I ended it there.
So thats the last 48 hrs in a nutshell, sorry it's so long. I think there was alot of positives except for my slight backslide but all in all it felt good, no controversy, I think I validated okay. For a few minutes tonight it felt like the first time we met just light and easy... don't worry I am expecting nothing just being me....the new old old me that is...
WCW....get outta here NO WAY you did that too? That's just freaky! Did that (hear will show my age truly) also when we went to Drive In Theaters.
"What stops you from heading out to a track again?"
Once you have been on the other side of the fence, down in the trenches working on the cars that put on the show, it's just abit tough to just go and sit in the stands and not be a part of the action. Have been a few times since we got out of racin just not the same. Listening to the drunk's that think they can drive them better just PO's me.
I remember one night imparticular, when the races were done and people were comin into the pits, this guy comes up to our Sprint car all drunk and says well I can DRIVE that thing better than your driver. Well unless you have driven a Sprint car they drive totally different than anything else. You got a 2000 lb vehicle with driver that produces over 700 hp as I am sure you know. Well I after years of hearing these "i can do better guys" I grabbed the 4 wheeler and started pushing the car backwards... my BF who owned it said wht the H*LL ya doing, I said I have had it I looked at this guy threw him one of our helmets and said okay tough guy get in, thats see what you got I will belt you in and push you off, well I think he made a big wet spot somewhere and my BF was just rolling cause he got tired of hearing it also. This guy just looked at me and said um um no that's okay maybe I better just skip it, I said yeah that's what I thought...boy that felt good.
So after a long story that's why I don't go just got tired of the "i can do it better guys"
jonzy....you probalby saw us if you went when the Sprints came to town, we raced with the ASCS Sprints, I can't tell you how many times we came out to Doniphan. Was a nice track, but you definitely didn't want to go off in any of the corners that was for sure you had your choice a cornfield or a pond if I remember right LOL! They always did a good job getting the track ready it was usually a pretty fast one, were you there the night that our team and 2 other teams got into it in the pits? Man that's the best racin in the world bar none.
Seeing Dale Jr. slammin in the wall at 190 must have at least made ya spill your beer huh? LOL. Ah the good ole' days
Hey Brian, the last 48 hours sound really good. You're doing a great job. I share 700 minutes with 3 (count em 3) teenagers. Thank goodness all my D does is text, & that's unlimited. LOL
Good job on not fixing her allergies, & hanging up first. It's a good sign that she's telling you about her day.
Take care
p.s. we don't let any of our kids go to R movies. Yuck !
Last edited by smartcookie; 06/07/0805:49 AM.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
"Hey Brian, the last 48 hours sound really good. You're doing a great job. I share 700 minutes with 3 (count em 3) teenagers. Thank goodness all my D does is text, & that's unlimited. LOL"
I hoped somebody would say that and I wasn't just feeling that way TY! I purposely didn't get texting for D11 now I'm thinking for what unlimited texting would cost it would be better. The worst of the whole thing was that with D11 using almost 700 minutes out of 900, I used 420's and W had 330's so do the math OUCH! We were just a tad bit over LOL!
"Good job on not fixing her allergies, & hanging up first. It's a good sign that she's telling you about her day."
Almost blew it stupid DAM I am. It felt really good to have her do that it is amazing how you can miss the little things when you finally wake up to reality.
I don't know if I can put the title on here without getting in trouble, but I guess they will let me know she was wanting to go and see The Strangers I don't think so Tim!
As I said it was just nice to have a moment of the past it was soooo refreshing...
I can relate. I remember a while ago when things were all over the place, & a boring day just felt so nice & normal.
That movie looks super scary. There's no way I'd let my kid go see it. Tell your D that's why they have a minimum age for R, sheesh.
Try calling your cell company & let them know what D did. They may be able to change your plan effective 30 days ago, just this once. It's worth a try. Also, my kids have set minutes, when they go over, they pay for it. It only happens once. My S17 downloaded a bunch of ringtones, $36.00 worth. He won't do that again.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
SC...I am sittin here chuckling, D17 did the same thing she said she got a text from somewhere and "well dad" it said they were "free"! I looked at her and said lesson learned huh? LOL
Nothing is free darlin welcome to the real world LOL
Mike it finally LOCKED 259 post later. I truly hope that it is a sign of better things to come for you W and D. Hope you are doing good brother thinking of you!
When I read "... I have twinkies comin out of you know where.." I just kept on laughing and laughing. Just so you know, women can be DAM's, too. I'll share one of my tales if you like.
Sounds like co-parenting is going well and it must be satisfying to have pleasant conversations with your wife.
I will never see Twinkies in the same light again.
"hey Brian--if you build it they will come..if it's buried deep then it stays down there. Up top is where we want it. I'm glad we moved it up. The more the merrier and the more help you get."
That was your doing my friend, I built nothing other than a fast friendship I hope with someone I never met but feel as though I have known for years *TY*!
Update...
Thursday was a tag your it with W day. She had been trying to get a hold of me all day, finally hooked up on the phone in the afternoon. Seems D11 wanted to go to a 'R' rated movie 1 of the new gory ones, W told her no you aren't going well D11 who thinks sometimes she is older than she is decided she was going to give W attitude about it and basically hurt her feelings on the deal cause she didn't like her answer. So I am listen keeping my mouth shut and am about ready to validate W's position when she says "I guess I was just calling to get 'validated' (her word mind you) that I made the right decision?" Okay pick chin off of floor here! I said of course you did I just watched the trailer on the net and it made me jump no she isn't going. W says "well that makes me feel better that you agree".
Then she proceeds to thank me again for talking to her with the storm the night before, I said no thanks needed but you are welcome. Then later in the evening she sends a text saying she really appreciated my help with D11.
Thursday evening, had gotten the cell bill in the mail and we had a BIG problem! I had bought D11 a cell so that she could contact me or W at anytime since she had been walking to & from school and was a 'latch key' kid for the last quarter so she was home alone for about an hour till D17 got home. Plus since W was moving out want D11 to be able to reach me whenever she felt the need. Okay, long story short we have a family plan with 900 minutes to share between W, me, and D11 well D11 blew through 700 minutes in a MONTH. So I called & told W she was fuming could see the smoke through the phone, I said I got her the phone I will handle it she says you better I'm not paying for it. I said whoa down alittle (nice tone) I will call & have a talk with her. So call D11 told her I have talked to you twice before nicely now I am PO'd She says I am sorry didn't know, I said um I don't think that's the truth & she said well... I have been on it alot lately talking to my friends I said thank you that's better so got it worked out. Told W it is handled and I will just change the plan, she says thanks for handling that.
Friday AM...
W sends me an email first thing in the morning and wanted to know if I got to work okay cause of all the rain and flooding we have had. I said yes I am fine it was yesterday that was tough, see I commute 30 miles both ways for work and we have a creek that pretty much runs through Lincoln and it flooded out of its banks never seen it to that before but anyway I have to cross it to get where I am going. Well after trying to cross in 2 different places I had to back track and go thru water that was up to my doors, now I drive a half-ton Chevy pick-up if that tells ya anything and let me tell ya the water was flowing a good 20-25 miles an hour I being a DAM and in a 4x4 I hit the water doing about 35 miles an hour (dah water) needless to say it washed over on the motor and was getting the distribuator wet okay I have twinkies comin out of you know where so I slam into 4 wheel drive and drop it into 2nd gear and start featherin the gas peddle and made it thru bout half a mile what a dumb ARS! Well W basically agreed with my sentiment of myself and comes back with maybe you oughta put a canoe in the back haha.
Friday PM...
Just hangin out at home tonight washin my 'canoe' (truck) W calls wanting to know since I have plans tomorrow if I want D11 on Sunday, I said that was nice to offer but have plans. Well she then preceeded to start a new convo and started to tell me about her day (hasn't done that in months) so I am listen and interjecting at points and we are chuckling (thank-you been a long time) I say you sound like you have a cold are you okay? She says don't know whats wrong not sick just have a scratchy throat must be allergies or something. She works at a hospital and she was talking to a PA about it and PA said you should take something she has taken Allegra in the past but quit cause she didn't think it was helping. PA said try something different so here is where I started to backslide & started trying to 'fix it' I said well you know there are different....ooops caught myself backtracked and said maybe the PA was right but I am sure you will figure out what's best for yourself and get it handled. Think that was okay? Well it had been going on for about 15 minutes and I said I had better let you go so that you can rest your voice and get something to drink I said I will talk to you later and have a good rest of the night and said goodbye and she said well okay..?? talk to you later bye, and I ended it there.
So thats the last 48 hrs in a nutshell, sorry it's so long. I think there was alot of positives except for my slight backslide but all in all it felt good, no controversy, I think I validated okay. For a few minutes tonight it felt like the first time we met just light and easy... don't worry I am expecting nothing just being me....the new old old me that is...
Peace be in your heart
Brian
Really good here Brian. I'm proud of you man..really proud..another thing. It's really really good in your W's eyes that you backed her and did not let the D go to that movie..Shows teamwork on your part..nothing worse than two parents who are not on the same track when dealing with the child. Very good.
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 06/07/0801:09 PM.
Today was a good day for me, had a birthday party to go to BF turned 40 his mom & dad thru him a surprise party. Saw alot of old friends hadn't seen in years. You might remember he is going thru a divorce that is costing him BIG BUCKS! Well his sister is going thru a divorce also and then there is me, what a hand to draw to. His sister has a WAH, and BF has been in a verbally abusive marriage so he is the one divorcing her after takin it for 15 yrs.
He and I have known each other for about that time frame, raced together, drank together, been there for each other, and people have often mistaken us for brothers we are so much alike. His wife used to say that 'we' should be married cause we were inseperable. Needless to say he means the world to me and I am happy for him to finally find some peace.
Lots of good PMA there, there was one point were I had bent over to get a pop out of the cooler and turned around and these women were staring at me and I'm like WTF...so I turned it into a joke and said what looking behind me do I have a hole or something, they in turn say oh no nothing like that but if you want to get another pop out go ahead we would love to watch again I felt this instant heat come over my face and Im like wow maybe I might still have alittle something left in me...nice to know I can still turn a few heads it was a good ego boost
No contact with W at all today, D17 had text me and wanted to go to lunch would have loved to but had the party to go to, I felt terrible cause this was really the first time she has reached out to me since they moved out, I asked if I could have a rain check and she said sure it's cool, still felt like an ARS though!
Talked to D11 on the phone tonight, her and W went and hit a bucket of balls today and had a good time. Last summer got D11 golf lessons from the Pro at one of the courses she has been on the LPGA, D11 was in total awe of her.
Thanks Mike as everybody else here just shootin from the hip for the most part and trying to not backslide and to validate. D11 has kinda withdrawn abit so I keep as much of a watchful eye on her as I can so as not too miss anything that might need some IC for her I don't want her to be anymore dramatized by all of this then she already is.
Today was a good day for me, had a birthday party to go to BF turned 40 his mom & dad thru him a surprise party. Saw alot of old friends hadn't seen in years. You might remember he is going thru a divorce that is costing him BIG BUCKS! Well his sister is going thru a divorce also and then there is me, what a hand to draw to. His sister has a WAH, and BF has been in a verbally abusive marriage so he is the one divorcing her after takin it for 15 yrs.
He and I have known each other for about that time frame, raced together, drank together, been there for each other, and people have often mistaken us for brothers we are so much alike. His wife used to say that 'we' should be married cause we were inseperable. Needless to say he means the world to me and I am happy for him to finally find some peace.
Lots of good PMA there, there was one point were I had bent over to get a pop out of the cooler and turned around and these women were staring at me and I'm like WTF...so I turned it into a joke and said what looking behind me do I have a hole or something, they in turn say oh no nothing like that but if you want to get another pop out go ahead we would love to watch again I felt this instant heat come over my face and Im like wow maybe I might still have alittle something left in me...nice to know I can still turn a few heads it was a good ego boost
No contact with W at all today, D17 had text me and wanted to go to lunch would have loved to but had the party to go to, I felt terrible cause this was really the first time she has reached out to me since they moved out, I asked if I could have a rain check and she said sure it's cool, still felt like an ARS though!
Talked to D11 on the phone tonight, her and W went and hit a bucket of balls today and had a good time. Last summer got D11 golf lessons from the Pro at one of the courses she has been on the LPGA, D11 was in total awe of her.
Brian
This is all good Brian...Was there anyway you could have set a date with D17 and locked something in..It's too bad you missed her today..Contacting you like that she may have something on her mind..You should really attempt to get back with the D17 real soon. Keep those connections. Keep a close eye on that younger D if she is withdrawing. IC may be what she needs. Will she talk to you about it at all?? Is there a Grandparent she may open up to??
"This is all good Brian...Was there anyway you could have set a date with D17 and locked something in..It's too bad you missed her today..Contacting you like that she may have something on her mind..You should really attempt to get back with the D17 real soon."
Not to worry I am on top of it, she said she would have to check her schedule. So I guess I have to make an 'appointment' with her LOL, it's all good she said she would let me know.
"Keep a close eye on that younger D if she is withdrawing. IC may be what she needs. Will she talk to you about it at all??"
That is my #1 concern and am keeping a 'hawks eye' on the sitch. I always reinforce that she can talk to me or W about anything that is on her mind and not to worry if she thinks it will 'hurt' our feelings cause her feelings are what matter the most at this point. Thanks for the concern bro it helps curb the pain I have for her...
"Is there a Grandparent she may open up to??"
She dearly loves my MIL and talks to her quite abit about things and MIL does a good job in answering things for her and informs us when something seems askew.
Just checking in on you, it all sounds good. Especially the getting another soda part. It feels great to get "checked out" huh.
hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
SC...been awhile since I have been 'checked out' was abit embarassed to say the least but ooohhh did it make me feel good. Thanks for stoppin by and checking in on me.
Was in a great mood today after yesterdays PMA pickmeup.
A buddy called asked me to stop by and hang-out so headed out decided to stop by the local Mickey D's to catch a quick bite. Didn't pay attention when I pulled in...
Go walkin in the front door and I see D11 gettin a pop and there she is...the W. It was one of those situations where when you see somebody you don't won't to talk to but you have no place to run and hide. So I put on a smile and say well HI! Wow this is a nice SURPRISE.
W looks at me and says oh my gosh, I could tell she was taken off balance. She say's well hi what are you doing here (duh). I head to the biffy to wash my hands and to compose myself so as not to make a backslide. I go back out and pass them to go and place my order and say I will be right back...
Get my food and head to their table, could tell W was nervous, so I help D11 open up her meal and just start up some convo. W is abit fidgety and I locked on to her eyes she looked into mine and they were so deep I haven't seen her in a week and with as much as I feel I have detached to the sitch couldn't help but feel that warmth of love in myself.
I made sure to not talk while she was and validated when she was making a point and kept my composure god how I still love her. So this went on for about 10 minutes and she said why don't you sit down I said that's nice of you but I gotta get going but thanks for askin. So D11 reached out her arms for a hug and I hugged her gave her a kiss told her I loved her and looked at W straight in the eyes (funny she wasn't looking away at all today) so there was alot of eye to eye contact and said you guys have a great afternoon. Said my goodbye's and left I could feel her looking at me (ya know that feeling) it all felt good hopefully I did good.
That sounds great! You handled the run-in with W really well. And sounds like you had a lot of fun at the party, too. You are also the first on here besides me that I have "heard" use the word "pop".
Was in a great mood today after yesterdays PMA pickmeup.
A buddy called asked me to stop by and hang-out so headed out decided to stop by the local Mickey D's to catch a quick bite. Didn't pay attention when I pulled in...
Go walkin in the front door and I see D11 gettin a pop and there she is...the W. It was one of those situations where when you see somebody you don't won't to talk to but you have no place to run and hide. So I put on a smile and say well HI! Wow this is a nice SURPRISE.
W looks at me and says oh my gosh, I could tell she was taken off balance. She say's well hi what are you doing here (duh). I head to the biffy to wash my hands and to compose myself so as not to make a backslide. I go back out and pass them to go and place my order and say I will be right back...
Get my food and head to their table, could tell W was nervous, so I help D11 open up her meal and just start up some convo. W is abit fidgety and I locked on to her eyes she looked into mine and they were so deep I haven't seen her in a week and with as much as I feel I have detached to the sitch couldn't help but feel that warmth of love in myself.
I made sure to not talk while she was and validated when she was making a point and kept my composure god how I still love her. So this went on for about 10 minutes and she said why don't you sit down I said that's nice of you but I gotta get going but thanks for askin. So D11 reached out her arms for a hug and I hugged her gave her a kiss told her I loved her and looked at W straight in the eyes (funny she wasn't looking away at all today) so there was alot of eye to eye contact and said you guys have a great afternoon. Said my goodbye's and left I could feel her looking at me (ya know that feeling) it all felt good hopefully I did good.
Brian
Atta boy...WOOOOOOO FRICKIN HOOOOO is all I'm gonna say.
It seems to be a good day, W starts emailing me early and it continues throughout the day told myself don't read into it just enjoy it. She is asking if her parents can take the kids on a trip to Wisc. and would I like to have D11 from sat thru weds night fathers day/my b-day (weds) I say yes would LOVE to have her and then just idle chat after that now normally I would wait like 15-20 minutes to reply but this seemed different so I would reply pretty much as soon as I got.
Monday evening...
This is where I start getting confused she starts texting me telling me that she doesn't have anymore #'s to add for our calling circle, but too make sure and put MIL on the list I respond okay will do. Then she says D11 is carrying around her cell so I should call her, I said I know and thanks I was just finishing some stuff up. They had a problem with ants where they are living now (long story) & she tells me it is under control I validate & tell her good job knew you could handle it, she thanks me for that.
She then asks if she left the heartburn pills here I say yes and ask if she is okay, she replies probably just stress from work, so I offer to drop them off where D17 works tomorrow and she thanks me for that. Okay this is just banter but this is where it changes...
She says "just wondered where they were was makin sure I hadn't lost my mind", no you haven't lost your mind(tongue in cheek lol). I ask her where D17 is, she says out on a date with THUG, new BF we both don't care much for him. W tells me he smokes surprised D17 would go for that but okay. So I ask W how it was going with herself on that, she quit in March I tell her how proud of her I was. "Well don't be to proud of me I fell off the wagon". I say don't be too hard on yourself the point is that you keep trying. She says "D11 is mad at me cause she started again" I said she just wants the best for you and doesn't understand totally. W says "I'm a failure" I say no you aren't. W say's "you have always supported me when it comes to things, I appreciate it", I just say your welcome though could have said alot more.
So this leads into her saying "D11 blames me for 'everything' that is going on and 'its hard on me' I am trying to work through this, just takes time, it's not fair, who knows what will happen, might be too late by then". Before I could even answer she sent this text..."don't answer I'm going to bed"
I validated throughout this whole texting didn't say alot of things I could have said, took some shots that I didn't post and just let those run off my back. I am to say the least confused what to I do with that last comment of hers what do you say to something like that? Do you leave it be? It's been a month since she left she is waivering already? Maybe I am making more out of this than I should be it's like she is looking for me to do or say something, just feel abit lost this is the first she has really even mentioned anything remotely dealing with the R without being somewhat prodded. I don't want to screw this up
So this leads into her saying "D11 blames me for 'everything' that is going on and 'its hard on me' I am trying to work through this, just takes time, it's not fair, who knows what will happen, might be too late by then". Before I could even answer she sent this text..."don't answer I'm going to bed"
I validated throughout this whole texting didn't say alot of things I could have said, took some shots that I didn't post and just let those run off my back. I am to say the least confused what to I do with that last comment of hers what do you say to something like that? Do you leave it be? It's been a month since she left she is waivering already? Maybe I am making more out of this than I should be it's like she is looking for me to do or say something, just feel abit lost this is the first she has really even mentioned anything remotely dealing with the R without being somewhat prodded. I don't want to screw this up
B-Sorry, I have been busy this am at work. Explain this to me again. Who is D11 blaiming..you or your W. Explain all this to me, every word that was said. leave it be until you explain this here. Don;t contact the W right now.
(So this leads into her saying "D11 blames me for 'everything' that is going on and 'its hard on me' I am trying to work through this, just takes time, it's not fair, who knows what will happen, might be too late by then". Before I could even answer she sent this text..."don't answer I'm going to bed")
All above is what W said through about 2 hours of texting. D11, is upset with her for starting to smoke again and is blaming her for the sitch that we are in. She seems in great turmoil by her messages. Her texts throughout the night IMO were carrying an air about them that I can't put my finger on. Like she is wanting me to do or say something to make it right. Throughout her texts she would keep referring to feeling like she was 'nuts' or 'losing her mind'. I know I am not trying to read into any of this just has ME PERPLEXED! A whole day of communication with emails & texting and then so far today nothing.
Like I said I just kept validating where I could, giving her kudos for doing things on her own without being sappy about it. I offered no advice to her would just try and change the subject so as not to go down a cheeseless tunnel.
(So this leads into her saying "D11 blames me for 'everything' that is going on and 'its hard on me' I am trying to work through this, just takes time, it's not fair, who knows what will happen, might be too late by then". Before I could even answer she sent this text..."don't answer I'm going to bed")
All above is what W said through about 2 hours of texting. D11, is upset with her for starting to smoke again and is blaming her for the sitch that we are in. She seems in great turmoil by her messages. Her texts throughout the night IMO were carrying an air about them that I can't put my finger on. Like she is wanting me to do or say something to make it right. Throughout her texts she would keep referring to feeling like she was 'nuts' or 'losing her mind'. I know I am not trying to read into any of this just has ME PERPLEXED! A whole day of communication with emails & texting and then so far today nothing.
Like I said I just kept validating where I could, giving her kudos for doing things on her own without being sappy about it. I offered no advice to her would just try and change the subject so as not to go down a cheeseless tunnel.
Brian
I'm just throwing things out here. We need a little more help here I think. Hopefully Ping or somebody else will chime in.
Do you think that maybe she is reaching out to you about D11's behavior and looking for help with that sitch?
Do you think that D11 may need a some IC to help her deal with the sitch?
Do you think D11 might be taking this out on your W because she is spending more time with W than with you?? That happens in S and D's. The child will play one parent against the other sometimes.
I'm sure she is in turmoil. I'm sure she is greatly conflicted. Just keep doing what your doing for now. Keep validating and let her talk as much as she wants. Don't get dragged into an R talk and don't read anything into anything. You have seen how the WAW is..
Do you think that maybe if YOU and YOUR W sat D11 down and talked to her about the sitch that it would show a united front from your W and you when dealing with the D11?
'Do you think that maybe she is reaching out to you about D11's behavior and looking for help with that sitch?'
If I were to do a nono here & read between the lines I think you are right and this might of been what I couldn't put my finger on not that she is looking for validation, but wanting me to form a plan with her, or maybe talking with D11 about it more than I have.
'Do you think that D11 may need a some IC to help her deal with the sitch?'
You & I have talked about this before and I think I need to come out of my darkness a bit and 'push'(bad word) W on this I have kinda let her run with the kids and not said much about it I think it is time to pull back on the reins some and take abit of control on this very issue.
'Do you think D11 might be taking this out on your W because she is spending more time with W than with you?? That happens in S and D's. The child will play one parent against the other sometimes.'
The kids continually saw me being nice and acting 'as if' even though she would not talk to me or would yell at me I am sure that is playing into it. I don't know if she is 'playing' her but actually acting out her anger for the sitch since she is with her more I think you are right and so W gets the majority of it that would make sense.
'I'm sure she is in turmoil. I'm sure she is greatly conflicted. Just keep doing what your doing for now. Keep validating and let her talk as much as she wants. Don't get dragged into an R talk and don't read anything into anything. You have seen how the WAW is..'
I hear ya loud and clear I will stay the path
'Do you think that maybe if YOU and YOUR W sat D11 down and talked to her about the sitch that it would show a united front from your W and you when dealing with the D11?'
I think this is a great idea, maybe even better than what I stated above with just doing it by myself.
Here is a thought, I am just going by what W has said, could it be that maybe she is reading more into something that isn't there with D11 because it is easier for her to do that than to blame herself....just a thought?
Here is a thought, I am just going by what W has said, could it be that maybe she is reading more into something that isn't there with D11 because it is easier for her to do that than to blame herself....just a thought
I don't know for sure on this. WAW's are unpredictable as hell.
Do you think that maybe you should talk to D11 alone first and get an idea what is running through her head?
Does D17 have anything to do with D11?
Would she and D11 talk at all?
Maybe instead of "pushing" the W on D11's IC maybe just suggest it to her due to this incident?
Quote:
'Do you think that maybe if YOU and YOUR W sat D11 down and talked to her about the sitch that it would show a united front from your W and you when dealing with the D11?'
I think this is a great idea, maybe even better than what I stated above with just doing it by myself.
I know from experience that a united front as far as stuff(disipline)etc. with the kids is from a W's perspective...a great thing. If you do nothing then she thinks you won't help her with the kids, that your a bad dad, that you don't care enough about them to help. You do to much she thinks you're butting in. This will be tricky to do with D11. If she truly blames the W, then she will surely blurt it out during your talk with her..you must be wary that the D11 talk is not turned into a R talk between you and W if you go this route.
"I don't know for sure on this. WAW's are unpredictable as hell."
My point exactly is this believe less than 50% of what she is saying, dang this is tough.
"Do you think that maybe you should talk to D11 alone first and get an idea what is running through her head?"
Am leaning towards your other option of being a 'united front' with W.
"Does D17 have anything to do with D11?"
D17 has basically checked out, too much going on in her life with boys & work & now that it is summer all she wants to do is hang with friends. D11 is just kinda lost in all of this I think.
"Would she and D11 talk at all?"
How do I say this, um I love her dearly but she isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Unless it has something to do with fashion she has no use for it.
"Maybe instead of "pushing" the W on D11's IC maybe just suggest it to her due to this incident?"
I like this idea best, just not quite sure how to carry it off without seeming controlling on the sitch.
"I know from experience that a united front as far as stuff(disipline)etc. with the kids is from a W's perspective...a great thing. If you do nothing then she thinks you won't help her with the kids, that your a bad dad, that you don't care enough about them to help. You do to much she thinks you're butting in. This will be tricky to do with D11. If she truly blames the W, then she will surely blurt it out during your talk with her..you must be wary that the D11 talk is not turned into a R talk between you and W if you go this route."
Damned if I do damned if I don't. If it goes this route also need to becareful with my words so if they get back to W they aren't taken wrong. God this is fun...
I think you should be united. I think you should go to your W and say, "I have been thinking about our discussion last night and maybe we both need to set D11 down and have a talk with her. We are both to blame for our M problems and we need to discuss that with her. What do you think? She will say either yes let's do it or no, I'm not being blamed, it's your fault..
I guess what I'm trying to say is you have to show your W that you want to do this for your D11 best interest..you don't want it to turn into a blame game or an R talk.
You have to be united for the child in this or it won't work. If either of you start the blame game then an R talk is on the way..your WAW will steer you into it. They can do it without even thinking about it cause they know us.
The D11 IC issue..you could say something like, W do you know if D11 has anyone to talk to about this situation now?? Like a friend, teacher, grandparent, etc..your W will probably say no, then just say, "do you think she may benefit from a few counseling sessions just so she could talk to someone?? D11 needs to be able to learn to channel her anger and feelings about this into something constructive and not take it out in some other way or on somebody. If W says yes, then say, I'll start looking for good counselors in the area and when I get a list together I'll let you know what I find and we can decide who to pick....
Man be careful here..Land mines everywhere..
These are just my opinions, it could mean backslide or could make you a hero in W's eyes..
Please don't hold me responsible for the carnage or fallout if it fails.
I think you should be united. I think you should go to your W and say, "I have been thinking about our discussion last night and maybe we both need to set D11 down and have a talk with her. We are both to blame for our M problems and we need to discuss that with her. What do you think? She will say either yes let's do it or no, I'm not being blamed, it's your fault..
I guess what I'm trying to say is you have to show your W that you want to do this for your D11 best interest..you don't want it to turn into a blame game or an R talk.
You have to be united for the child in this or it won't work. If either of you start the blame game then an R talk is on the way..your WAW will steer you into it. They can do it without even thinking about it cause they know us.
The D11 IC issue..you could say something like, W do you know if D11 has anyone to talk to about this situation now?? Like a friend, teacher, grandparent, etc..your W will probably say no, then just say, "do you think she may benefit from a few counseling sessions just so she could talk to someone?? D11 needs to be able to learn to channel her anger and feelings about this into something constructive and not take it out in some other way or on somebody. If W says yes, then say, I'll start looking for good counselors in the area and when I get a list together I'll let you know what I find and we can decide who to pick....
Man be careful here..Land mines everywhere..
These are just my opinions, it could mean backslide or could make you a hero in W's eyes..
Please don't hold me responsible for the carnage or fallout if it fails.
Brian, I have to agree with what Mike has said here.
This is a two sided sword, it can mean that your W is looking for advice from you on how to handle the situation or it could also mean that she is starting to feel bad about what she has done and this is her way of telling you by putting your D in the middle. I am seeing either one of these fit your sitch right now. Be careful on how you move forward with it.
OK, the more I think about this, I believe your W is opening up to you. In many cases, or at least in mine and Mike's, WAW's believe that the kids will be fine no matter what happens. They are in denial and will not let you know anything if they feel the kids are hurting through this process. If you W is like many other's that walk away, this is more than just letting you know how your D is feeling, she is opening up because she is feeling guilt. Of course this is just my opinion, see what others have to say about it and then go from there.
This could be long so get a bowl of popcorn and a pop.
W had started texting me in early evening about some things that she had in mind for D11 to do for summer, which were all good ideas and sounded fun plus W was going to pay for all of it as she stills owes the house some money. So I was validating her ideas & thoughts and agreed on the plans. She then texts back "call me".
I call her thinking okay didn't have time to run anything by anybody on the board, but saw it as an 'in' to talk about the last convo we had about D11. W says "was talking to D11 at supper and decided to ask what she was angry about or who she was angry with." D11 says, "I'm not angry at anybody, just upset that I wanted to do some things with friends last Sunday at a park and I wasn't sure if you would let me go so I didn't ask." W says, "you should have asked instead of making me think you were mad at me for the sitch we are in." D11 says, "oh no it's not that at all I understand sorta just wished that we wouldn't have had to leave." W says, "you know that daddy & me love you and want what's best and know that if you have questions or feel weird we will take you anywhere to talk to somebody, or you know you can talk to your sister or anybody (Mike are you hearin this dead on brother)." D11 says, "yes I know I am fine right now but there is something?" W says, "whats that?" D11 says, "well you nag at me too much". LOL W says, "well you always give me attitude about brushing teeth or takin a shower." D11 says, "I know but it's not like I'm not going to do it." W says, "there are rules in both houses and you need to follow them, but when it comes to important things daddy and me are as 'one'". (Mike ya still listening? Spot on man) W then says to me, "I didn't mean to step on your toes with this it just was bothering me. Mind you I was saying nothing while she told me all of this, just validated and agreed. I replied to her, "you didn't step on toes at all, I in fact was going to suggest that we need to do something with D11 cause it wasn't fair for her to treat you that way when we are both equally at fault, and that we handle it as a united front." I told her she did well and she agreed on the united front in the future.
So Mike & Ping guess what is coming next? You got it... a R talk started by her, but thanks to you guys I was expecting it TY.
I decided since she started it & it being the 1st time she was willing to talk about it I would venture along cautiously and listen to what she had to say.
She started off with, "you seem so happy now, when I saw you at soccer games or the other day at Mickie D's you have been so upbeat about things, was I such a bi**h to live with that now that I am gone you're happier w/o me?" I said, "I can see how you would feel that way, but honestly it has nothing to do with that." She said, "I must have really been a thorn in your ars for you to be sooo happy now." I said, " I can see how you would assume that, but don't assume that is not right of you to do." I said, "I am dealing with the sitch that has been dealt and am working on some things I didn't like about me, my position on this has not changed as I have told you before." She says, "as I said the other night I really am working through this and trying to find myself & what went wrong (I validate), but I made my bed and now I must lie in it and think it is too late cause you seem to be moving on." (Is she at the same website I am at WTF?) I chose not to answer on this one and we moved on.
She then proceeds to apologize for the things she has done and that she knows she has really put us in a BIG financial crunch, but she just didn't know what else to do she said, "it was flight or fight" (SC/Gypsy spot on) She goes on to say, "it wasn't just about us it was about the kids & it was probably a bad decision to move but I was just lost, I am not happy in my job or what I am doing." I have thought all along it might be abit of MLC on her part and was just tieing everything up into 1 large ball of anger. She said, "the anger was just eating me up and it was slowly killing me, I know that I treated you so badly the last 9 months and it rubbed off on the kids I am sooo sorry for that, I don't blame you for moving on." I chose to answer here, may not have been up to Db standards but I said, "I have told you in the past my stance & that is to stand for our marriage, I have no time line (bad gives her room to play limbo) you asked for space I did not stop you, the only thing I asked was that you not make decisions on the basis of your 'pride' & not being able to say you might have been wrong, it is okay to be wrong and not to judge my actions as any type of a sign." (I know that was wrong).
I told her that in the next week or 2 we would have to sit down and discuss the direction of the house as she now knows and admits that there is noway I can afford it alone, and she feels terrible for signing a years lease on the place she is in now so she agreed to this. The second thing was I asked her if she would be willing to consider a time frame in the near future that we could sit down and reevaluate where we are at and discuss a direction, to which she agreed.
I know this is long sorry. IMO there were some positives she was laughing as I was also she agreed that there is no reason to lay blame anymore that we both had a part in it she realizes her part and that the past is just that the past it is over. This was about a 2 1/2 hr convo that was filled with validation acceptance and regret on both parties. She did say she was feeling better but that she had a long road to go to figure things out, I said simply that's fine for now. That's about it sorry again it was so long I am sure I might have left some things out but you get the gist of it....
This could be long so get a bowl of popcorn and a pop.
W had started texting me in early evening about some things that she had in mind for D11 to do for summer, which were all good ideas and sounded fun plus W was going to pay for all of it as she stills owes the house some money. So I was validating her ideas & thoughts and agreed on the plans. She then texts back "call me".
I call her thinking okay didn't have time to run anything by anybody on the board, but saw it as an 'in' to talk about the last convo we had about D11. W says "was talking to D11 at supper and decided to ask what she was angry about or who she was angry with." D11 says, "I'm not angry at anybody, just upset that I wanted to do some things with friends last Sunday at a park and I wasn't sure if you would let me go so I didn't ask." W says, "you should have asked instead of making me think you were mad at me for the sitch we are in." D11 says, "oh no it's not that at all I understand sorta just wished that we wouldn't have had to leave." W says, "you know that daddy & me love you and want what's best and know that if you have questions or feel weird we will take you anywhere to talk to somebody, or you know you can talk to your sister or anybody (Mike are you hearin this dead on brother)." D11 says, "yes I know I am fine right now but there is something?" W says, "whats that?" D11 says, "well you nag at me too much". LOL W says, "well you always give me attitude about brushing teeth or takin a shower." D11 says, "I know but it's not like I'm not going to do it." W says, "there are rules in both houses and you need to follow them, but when it comes to important things daddy and me are as 'one'". (Mike ya still listening? Spot on man) W then says to me, "I didn't mean to step on your toes with this it just was bothering me. Mind you I was saying nothing while she told me all of this, just validated and agreed. I replied to her, "you didn't step on toes at all, I in fact was going to suggest that we need to do something with D11 cause it wasn't fair for her to treat you that way when we are both equally at fault, and that we handle it as a united front." I told her she did well and she agreed on the united front in the future.
So Mike & Ping guess what is coming next? You got it... a R talk started by her, but thanks to you guys I was expecting it TY.
I decided since she started it & it being the 1st time she was willing to talk about it I would venture along cautiously and listen to what she had to say.
She started off with, "you seem so happy now, when I saw you at soccer games or the other day at Mickie D's you have been so upbeat about things, was I such a bi**h to live with that now that I am gone you're happier w/o me?" I said, "I can see how you would feel that way, but honestly it has nothing to do with that." She said, "I must have really been a thorn in your ars for you to be sooo happy now." I said, " I can see how you would assume that, but don't assume that is not right of you to do." I said, "I am dealing with the sitch that has been dealt and am working on some things I didn't like about me, my position on this has not changed as I have told you before." She says, "as I said the other night I really am working through this and trying to find myself & what went wrong (I validate), but I made my bed and now I must lie in it and think it is too late cause you seem to be moving on." (Is she at the same website I am at WTF?) I chose not to answer on this one and we moved on.
She then proceeds to apologize for the things she has done and that she knows she has really put us in a BIG financial crunch, but she just didn't know what else to do she said, "it was flight or fight" (SC/Gypsy spot on) She goes on to say, "it wasn't just about us it was about the kids & it was probably a bad decision to move but I was just lost, I am not happy in my job or what I am doing." I have thought all along it might be abit of MLC on her part and was just tieing everything up into 1 large ball of anger. She said, "the anger was just eating me up and it was slowly killing me, I know that I treated you so badly the last 9 months and it rubbed off on the kids I am sooo sorry for that, I don't blame you for moving on." I chose to answer here, may not have been up to Db standards but I said, "I have told you in the past my stance & that is to stand for our marriage, I have no time line (bad gives her room to play limbo) you asked for space I did not stop you, the only thing I asked was that you not make decisions on the basis of your 'pride' & not being able to say you might have been wrong, it is okay to be wrong and not to judge my actions as any type of a sign." (I know that was wrong).
I told her that in the next week or 2 we would have to sit down and discuss the direction of the house as she now knows and admits that there is noway I can afford it alone, and she feels terrible for signing a years lease on the place she is in now so she agreed to this. The second thing was I asked her if she would be willing to consider a time frame in the near future that we could sit down and reevaluate where we are at and discuss a direction, to which she agreed.
I know this is long sorry. IMO there were some positives she was laughing as I was also she agreed that there is no reason to lay blame anymore that we both had a part in it she realizes her part and that the past is just that the past it is over. This was about a 2 1/2 hr convo that was filled with validation acceptance and regret on both parties. She did say she was feeling better but that she had a long road to go to figure things out, I said simply that's fine for now. That's about it sorry again it was so long I am sure I might have left some things out but you get the gist of it....
Brian
Do you think she would go to MC. The house issue is sticky..anyway for her to get out of that lease?? She sure sounds on the fence and that she's worried your moving on. It looks like you handled this OK.
She is reaching out a bit. When do you think you could meet her??
I wonder what would have happened if you had reached out to her a bit??
Is there anyway you could ramp up the friendship at all? Without being pushy??
We really need some more eyes looking at this exchange last night to help evaluate it. I see lots of positives though I don't like the fact that she thinks you may be moving on..
"Do you think she would go to MC. The house issue is sticky..anyway for her to get out of that lease?? She sure sounds on the fence and that she's worried your moving on. It looks like you handled this OK."
As with most WAS that is something she adamantly says no way to. As far as the lease I think it is definitely something to look into loop hole maybe or just some understanding landlord possibly. The fence I really agree she seems to be teetering but is firm on working on herself so will leave it be for now. She is very concerned IMO she referenced it so many times last night
"She is reaching out a bit. When do you think you could meet her??"
I told her a week but am now thinking I should maybe mover it up to a specific time.
"I wonder what would have happened if you had reached out to her a bit??"
I don't know I really can't get a feel I don't want to push her away with her seeming in such a seesaw frame of mind makes me nervous like a long tailed cat in a room full of rockin chairs...
"Is there anyway you could ramp up the friendship at all? Without being pushy??"
Honestly it crossed my mind to ask her to go with me and the kids weds night out to eat for my b-day, what do you think?
"I don't like the fact that she thinks you may be moving on.."
This is what has me worried and why I told her in the convo that I have no 'time line' and still 'committed' it seems my being happy really is screwing up her mind which obviously was not my intention I just am finding a part place with myself and accepting what will be will be
Brian, that all sounds really really good. Too bad you can't give her my phone #. I could share with her where things could be 12 months from now.
hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
"Do you think she would go to MC. The house issue is sticky..anyway for her to get out of that lease?? She sure sounds on the fence and that she's worried your moving on. It looks like you handled this OK."
As with most WAS that is something she adamantly says no way to. As far as the lease I think it is definitely something to look into loop hole maybe or just some understanding landlord possibly. The fence I really agree she seems to be teetering but is firm on working on herself so will leave it be for now. She is very concerned IMO she referenced it so many times last night
"She is reaching out a bit. When do you think you could meet her??"
I told her a week but am now thinking I should maybe mover it up to a specific time.
"I wonder what would have happened if you had reached out to her a bit??"
I don't know I really can't get a feel I don't want to push her away with her seeming in such a seesaw frame of mind makes me nervous like a long tailed cat in a room full of rockin chairs...
"Is there anyway you could ramp up the friendship at all? Without being pushy??"
Honestly it crossed my mind to ask her to go with me and the kids weds night out to eat for my b-day, what do you think?
"I don't like the fact that she thinks you may be moving on.."
This is what has me worried and why I told her in the convo that I have no 'time line' and still 'committed' it seems my being happy really is screwing up her mind which obviously was not my intention I just am finding a part place with myself and accepting what will be will be
Thanks Mike
Brian
yep, she regrets taking the lease out..It's funny, don't know what to make of this convo. Did you leave anything at all out? Did you say anyhting more than just make noises..HUMMM, un huh...??
When is the last time you talked MC?
Quote:
it seems my being happy really is screwing up her mind which obviously was not my intention I just am finding a part place with myself and accepting what will be will be
well, the 180's, "act if" is supposed to screw with them a bit and give them pause..make them think.
If you are taking the kids then I see no problem with giving her an invite.
how's it going? Been meaning to get back to your thread just haven't made it but will get there. I appreciate your sediments I am abit leary and cautious these are very terribled waters I am in 1 wrong move can bring it crashing in on me, I just keep hoping for the best and rely HEAVILY on the people on this board to guide me and get me to question myself before reacting. I just keep saying to myself no expectations...
Brian, I am glad for you right now. Your W has done something that many other's do not do, she opened up to you about her feelings and is having regrets about what she has done. This is great in my opinion.
As far as the lease goes, you can probably get her out of it, I believe if they are told about the situation, they will only hold her to the deposit put down and will cancel the lease, at least this is what I find in many areas to be the case.
Had you and Mike not warned me before hand I think I would have tried to steer away from the R talk, but with expecting it I wasn't taken off guard so I was able to think clearly for the most part you 2 were spot on. This is the most she has shown to me in months that wasn't venom or split green pea soup spit at me. I know I need to stay low in expectations and will. I think you may have a point on the lease something to consider if things keep going forward.
I have to run out for a couple of hours, but I'm pondering this, & want to re-read it more carefully.
For now, do nothing. Say nothing. Don't bring up the lease. If she mentions R, reassure that nothing has been done that can't be un-done, in time.
Mention that you & the kids are going to dinner & she's invited. Don't say whether the kids want her or you.
Dont push, No matter what. This could be real regret, this could be reality hitting her, it could be hormones. Sit still.
Do you fish ? Right now you're fishing. Be patient.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hey Brian, okay, first off, my disclaimer...I am not a professional. I am a woman. This is all simply my best swag (sophisticated wild *ss guess). Take it for what it's worth, ponder, then make your own choices, & the best of luck brotha. LOL (sorry, couldn't resist)
<<She started off with, "you seem so happy now, when I saw you at soccer games or the other day at Mickie D's you have been so upbeat about things, was I such a bi**h to live with that now that I am gone you're happier w/o me?"
This is female speak for "tell me I'm not a bitch, & that you're not happier without me".
<<I said, "I can see how you would feel that way, but honestly it has nothing to do with that."
This said to her "I can see how you think you're a bitch & there may be another woman in my life".
<<She said, "I must have really been a thorn in your ars for you to be sooo happy now."
Female speak for; "Please tell me that I wasn't a pain in your ars".
<< I said, "I am dealing with the sitch that has been dealt and am working on some things I didn't like about me, my position on this has not changed as I have told you before."
This is excellent. Good job, high five dude. Score bonus points for consistency.
<<She says, "as I said the other night I really am working through this and trying to find myself & what went wrong (I validate), but I made my bed and now I must lie in it and think it is too late cause you seem to be moving on." (Is she at the same website I am at WTF?) I chose not to answer on this one and we moved on.
she's saying "What the hell have I done & is this really what I want". and "what if I've lost you, then what".
<<She then proceeds to apologize for the things she has done and that she knows she has really put us in a BIG financial crunch, but she just didn't know what else to do she said, "it was flight or fight" (SC/Gypsy spot on) She goes on to say, "it wasn't just about us it was about the kids & it was probably a bad decision to move but I was just lost, I am not happy in my job or what I am doing."
female thinking, it was the last straw, everything piled up & I bailed out.
<<I have thought all along it might be abit of MLC on her part and was just tieing everything up into 1 large ball of anger.
bonus points for you.
<<She said, "the anger was just eating me up and it was slowly killing me, I know that I treated you so badly the last 9 months and it rubbed off on the kids I am sooo sorry for that, I don't blame you for moving on." I chose to answer here, may not have been up to Db standards but I said, "I have told you in the past my stance & that is to stand for our marriage, I have no time line (bad gives her room to play limbo) you asked for space I did not stop you, the only thing I asked was that you not make decisions on the basis of your 'pride' & not being able to say you might have been wrong, it is okay to be wrong and not to judge my actions as any type of a sign." (I know that was wrong).
that was all fine from my book. Nobody wants to play limbo, they want to make sure they make a good decision this time cause they f'd it up last time.
<<I told her that in the next week or 2 we would have to sit down and discuss the direction of the house as she now knows and admits that there is noway I can afford it alone, and she feels terrible for signing a years lease on the place she is in now so she agreed to this. The second thing was I asked her if she would be willing to consider a time frame in the near future that we could sit down and reevaluate where we are at and discuss a direction, to which she agreed.
I understand the financial stuff can't wait, but the R talk, stop this right now. Wait, watch. Let her tell you when she wants to sit down & re-evaluate. Let her run the show.
<<She did say she was feeling better but that she had a long road to go to figure things out, I said simply that's fine for now.
Women ALWAYS feel better after a conversation in which they have been heard, validated & supported.
My advice; (I don't know how it matches up with DB principles, I know that I'm still with my H because he said all these things below hundreds of times, over 12 months to me)
When she brings up the R, or the lease, or the mistakes, or how she screwed things up, or the bed she made, or anything, you say
"I'm not going anywhere, you take the time you need to figure out what you really want long-term. I want you to be happy with or without me. (that one sucks I know) Our family is the most important thing in my life, & I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy".
Then you wait some more.
okay ?
hugs.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
SC...your swag is greatly appreciated and from a womans stand point is what I need especially from one who has felt that pain and can shoot straight from the hip. The heads up from Mike and ping1 helped me prepare for her going that direction so I had plenty of time to get my head right, the odd thing was I have.. thanks to this board and people like your self and reading the books and reading other sitch's and believing in the principles of Michele I felt at ease when we talked and realizing my faults made it more comfortable discussing her issues and validating them.
She made the comment that I was answering her slowly and that I seemed to be choosen the right words to which I replied no not at all I am just actually listening to you and speaking from the heart.
You have explained things very clearly to be able to formulate a plan in which to follow, thank you for taking your time to read this and post...
Hey Brian, okay, first off, my disclaimer...I am not a professional. I am a woman. This is all simply my best swag (sophisticated wild *ss guess). Take it for what it's worth, ponder, then make your own choices, & the best of luck brotha. LOL (sorry, couldn't resist)
<<She started off with, "you seem so happy now, when I saw you at soccer games or the other day at Mickie D's you have been so upbeat about things, was I such a bi**h to live with that now that I am gone you're happier w/o me?"
This is female speak for "tell me I'm not a bitch, & that you're not happier without me".
<<I said, "I can see how you would feel that way, but honestly it has nothing to do with that."
This said to her "I can see how you think you're a bitch & there may be another woman in my life".
<<She said, "I must have really been a thorn in your ars for you to be sooo happy now."
Female speak for; "Please tell me that I wasn't a pain in your ars".
<< I said, "I am dealing with the sitch that has been dealt and am working on some things I didn't like about me, my position on this has not changed as I have told you before."
This is excellent. Good job, high five dude. Score bonus points for consistency.
<<She says, "as I said the other night I really am working through this and trying to find myself & what went wrong (I validate), but I made my bed and now I must lie in it and think it is too late cause you seem to be moving on." (Is she at the same website I am at WTF?) I chose not to answer on this one and we moved on.
she's saying "What the hell have I done & is this really what I want". and "what if I've lost you, then what".
<<She then proceeds to apologize for the things she has done and that she knows she has really put us in a BIG financial crunch, but she just didn't know what else to do she said, "it was flight or fight" (SC/Gypsy spot on) She goes on to say, "it wasn't just about us it was about the kids & it was probably a bad decision to move but I was just lost, I am not happy in my job or what I am doing."
female thinking, it was the last straw, everything piled up & I bailed out.
<<I have thought all along it might be abit of MLC on her part and was just tieing everything up into 1 large ball of anger.
bonus points for you.
<<She said, "the anger was just eating me up and it was slowly killing me, I know that I treated you so badly the last 9 months and it rubbed off on the kids I am sooo sorry for that, I don't blame you for moving on." I chose to answer here, may not have been up to Db standards but I said, "I have told you in the past my stance & that is to stand for our marriage, I have no time line (bad gives her room to play limbo) you asked for space I did not stop you, the only thing I asked was that you not make decisions on the basis of your 'pride' & not being able to say you might have been wrong, it is okay to be wrong and not to judge my actions as any type of a sign." (I know that was wrong).
that was all fine from my book. Nobody wants to play limbo, they want to make sure they make a good decision this time cause they f'd it up last time.
<<I told her that in the next week or 2 we would have to sit down and discuss the direction of the house as she now knows and admits that there is noway I can afford it alone, and she feels terrible for signing a years lease on the place she is in now so she agreed to this. The second thing was I asked her if she would be willing to consider a time frame in the near future that we could sit down and reevaluate where we are at and discuss a direction, to which she agreed.
I understand the financial stuff can't wait, but the R talk, stop this right now. Wait, watch. Let her tell you when she wants to sit down & re-evaluate. Let her run the show.
<<She did say she was feeling better but that she had a long road to go to figure things out, I said simply that's fine for now.
Women ALWAYS feel better after a conversation in which they have been heard, validated & supported.
My advice; (I don't know how it matches up with DB principles, I know that I'm still with my H because he said all these things below hundreds of times, over 12 months to me)
When she brings up the R, or the lease, or the mistakes, or how she screwed things up, or the bed she made, or anything, you say
"I'm not going anywhere, you take the time you need to figure out what you really want long-term. I want you to be happy with or without me. (that one sucks I know) Our family is the most important thing in my life, & I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy".
Then you wait some more.
okay ?
hugs.
IMO--you are the chittt..and that's a big compliment..not a cut or 2x4.
This was excellant.
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 06/12/0810:05 AM.
Aren't we all lucky to have each other at this moment in time?
"I'm not going anywhere, you take the time you need to figure out what you really want long-term. I want you to be happy with or without me. (that one sucks I know) Our family is the most important thing in my life, & I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy".
Just reading what cookie's husband said makes me feel safe, calm down and eases the confusion in my brain.
As great as this board is, working with a qualified therapist is even better. The good ones help you get out of your own way, heal and make those positive changes in life that are yours to keep.
This place has been a outlet for despair, learning, sharing and finding my way.
Everything you do right now that helps you become a better person BUILDS. This is the time to use everything at your disposal... therapist, online counseling, friends here, books, support groups... EVERYTHING.
You look at our cookie. This woman hasn't gotten to where she is alone. She reads a zillion books, works harder in therapy.. goes farther, deeper, applies what she learns, throws in the towel, has the towel picked up by another and keeps on going.
As crazy, horrible, emotional, terrible this time is...
This is a GIFT...
Your wife has given you a gift.
The same way a pine cones need a raging fire to release the seeds, so does this new growth begin.
Aren't we all lucky to have each other at this moment in time?
"I'm not going anywhere, you take the time you need to figure out what you really want long-term. I want you to be happy with or without me. (that one sucks I know) Our family is the most important thing in my life, & I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy".
Just reading what cookie's husband said makes me feel safe, calm down and eases the confusion in my brain.
As great as this board is, working with a qualified therapist is even better. The good ones help you get out of your own way, heal and make those positive changes in life that are yours to keep.
This place has been a outlet for despair, learning, sharing and finding my way.
Everything you do right now that helps you become a better person BUILDS. This is the time to use everything at your disposal... therapist, online counseling, friends here, books, support groups... EVERYTHING.
You look at our cookie. This woman hasn't gotten to where she is alone. She reads a zillion books, works harder in therapy.. goes farther, deeper, applies what she learns, throws in the towel, has the towel picked up by another and keeps on going.
As crazy, horrible, emotional, terrible this time is...
This is a GIFT...
Your wife has given you a gift.
The same way a pine cones need a raging fire to release the seeds, so does this new growth begin.
It's a wake up call for everyone.
Those who lose hit the snooze.
*hugs*
Racefan--you just don't know how lucky you are at the moment.
SC and Gypsy tag teaming you..
they are the "stuff" in my book..A1.
Do me a favor. Don't let your pride or stubborness or being a DAM get in your way here. Do you understand me?
Put yourself to the side right now. Your feelings, your emotions. Show her that you can put her first. By your actions.
This is a really good chance for you.
She's reaching out a bit. Now you have to show her you're there when she comes calling, with no pressure.
Don't let being a man keep you from this. That's the only thing that will stop you.
A second chance if at its slimest possiblities only comes around once in a life time. I truly am forunate in that she went out of the 'norm' and opened up to me in a non hostile manner. I have been given a 'gift' and trust me that I know it must be respected and nutured it is at this time that I must be more than just 'humble' I must be that in its truest and purest form. I chose early on not to be angry with her as I felt SC & Gypsy gave me a 'gift' of transparency of themselves that they didn't have to do but chose to 'pay it forward' and show me W's inner battle. I have no pride at the moment that has been taken away and replaced with humility the only true pride I have is when I stand next to my W and kids this I realize now and hopefully not too late.
Mike, I am far from out of the woods yet this is a long journey we are all on, believe me when I say I take nothing for granted I have done that for too long my friend. To get such wise advice and opinions from people here is truly a godsent and no matter how this turns out that in its on right and the people here on the boards I will cherish for the remainder of my life.
Brian, keep doing what you are doing, your W will be opening up even more to you in a short time. She is now wondering just what she has done and is having regrets. Be strong through this, make her contact you, she will soon enough. I can see that this is eating her up inside right now. She has gone from the normal WAW to one that is showing regrets. You are in a very good place right now.
Mike, I am far from out of the woods yet this is a long journey we are all on, believe me when I say I take nothing for granted I have done that for too long my friend.
Are you saying you can't see the "Forrest" for the trees in SmartCookie's post..LOL
No, you're not out of the woods yet but the reason for me "yelling" at SC was to get a Woman's perspective.
You and I and every DAM here have proven from our past that we did not know anything at all about women. We are both learning, some of us faster than others.
The reason for my post to you. You have a really good chance. I saw it early on. We all see it. Only you can show her.
Now, SC put you on the path through the "Forrest" lol..I swear man, you get off that path and I'll personally swing through Raleigh NC, pick my heavy up(ping1) and we'll flail your legs and upper body with golf clubs.
"just do this"
Now, stand back and observe as SC said.
She will be coming back. You have to be ready.
Be prepared for "good" W and be prepared for "bad" W.
IMO--you are the chittt..and that's a big compliment..not a cut or 2x4.
This was excellant.
Why thank you sir, I do try. (in my best southern drawl)
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
It's wonderful that you're so open to focus on your wife's needs.
But don't forget who's most important..
Nope.. nope.. try again.
That's right..
YOU!
I made the mistake years ago sacrificing myself for my husband and family. It wasn't intentional.. I just figured I was strong enough to save and fix everyone.. that doing that 'fixed' me.
Guess what.. I died inside, starved and strangled.. didn't even know how to ask for help, much less have the energy to.
When she comes to talk or brings something up, actively listen and validate her feelings. Give her a shoulder to cry on and be her sounding board. Be her "rock".
