sure, you'd like the hug, but we just have to wait when THEIR ready. There may be a lot of things they'd actually like to do with or to us, but there are things holding them back, and rightly so. a big thing is the fact that they don't want to lead us on into thinking things are better or going back to "normal". That is one reason we have to let them become as comfortable as possible so that feeling is lessened, and they open up to us more.
That means, no awkward behavior around them, no guilt trips, no depressed or emotional moments in front of them, etc.
your doing great, and just keep it up. He will get more and more comfortable with you, and that is what you want.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
H showed up right on time for his first Saturday all day visitation. He has the kids from 10-8. He decided to take them to the beach. You have to give the man his props--he was taking three kids to the beach by himself--ages 8,5, and 2!!
Well, he was unsure what he was going to do food-wise but said somethign about grilling or sandwiches. I told him to go with whatever was cheaper--the kids wouldn't care.
When he got to the house, my hair and make up was already done, all of the breakfast dishes were cleaned up, the hosue was picked up, and the kids had all of their stuff ready to go.
Shortly after they left, my mom called and asked if I wanted to go to Sam's Club. She wanted to take my grandmother off her membership and was planning to add me. I said sure, just give me a minute to get some shoes on and I would come get her. As I was heading out the door, I noticed that H forgot the diaper bag. Normally, I would have called and stayed home until he came to get it. But, I had plans and I was not changing them. I called his cell, left him a message that the bag was behind the glider on the porch--I was going out, and that i had my cell if there was an emergency.
Mom and I spent all day together. After Sam's she took me out to lunch at a little Mexican restaurant I had never been to. I got back home, unloaded the Sam's stuff, and got to work on some school stuff. It was actually too quiet in the house with no kids home, so I blasted the stereo with my 80's hairbands! Gosh, I had not done that in ages!!
When H got back, he unloadedthe kids, brought in their wet stuff and asked if I wanted him to throw it in the washer. Told him I would get it when I gave them their baths--they were still coated with a layer of sand.
H got chatty about their day and told me that he spent way more money than he could afford--bought beach toys, sunblock, snacks, and food to grill on the beach. Said he was concerned about feeding the kids for his next couple of visitations. I told him we could talk about it after our cookout on Sunday (for our D5's preschool grad).
I know I should have the "it's not my problem" attitude, but he has been giving me every bit of spare money each payday, so I know his is tight. His brohter is coming home from deployment on Weds. and his parents will be in the area. H said he may ask to borrow money from them. I thought to myself--it is about time, my mom has been helping out for months!
As I sit here typing those words, I am reflecting back on what I read in For Women Only. While my mom was only trying to help, and I appreciated all of it, I wonder now if I was making him think that I did not have faith in his ability to provide for me and the kids. Is there no end to the damage I may have unwittingly done to my marriage?
Anyway, he and I had a pleasant exchange and as he left, he told me to take care, enjoy church, and he would see us afterwards.
Cook out next. It was wierd, in a good, confusing, awkward way.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Wow! Taking those three to the beach... he's either brave or stupid! But it sounds like they hada good time, and you and he interacted well. No matter what, that's a good thing. Working together and cooperating in the care of the kids can't be a bad thing in my mind. As long as he is making the effort to do what he can, and it sounds like he is, meeting him halfway isn't a bad thing, in my opinion.
I think you didn't need to call him the second time, but that's okay. the convo was good and you were to one to hang up, so that's good.
Because there is an issue with him cancelling cards and not wanting them used, I figured I had better double check before just using the credit card. Now, I have permission to use it and do not feel so self-conscious about it.
if H doesn't get the book again, I wouldn't say anything about it. don't even ask if he got it or read it. Let the C be the one to "punish" him.
He now has my copy of the book--I gave it to him after MC. When he came to get the kids on Saturday, it was in the back of his car. I have no idea if he has looked at it and I will not ask. Like you said, I will let the C deal with it.
hey, do you know what his 5LLs are???
I have not pinpointed his yet, but I do think that words of affirmation may be one, if not his major. He seems to respond well when I do that. To be honest, I feel better, too. This used to be something I was good at-especially since I always wanted him to know how much I loved him and appreciated all he did for us. Over the past couple years I had not been as vigilant about it--I know that the depression I was suffering from may have affected that. I am going to reread 5LL and see if I am on the right track.
Glad that you are seeing positives in our interactions. I am feeling better about me and for the most part am in control when I am with him. MC is the exception, as the emotions get a little high there.
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
sure, you'd like the hug, but we just have to wait when THEIR ready. There may be a lot of things they'd actually like to do with or to us, but there are things holding them back, and rightly so. a big thing is the fact that they don't want to lead us on into thinking things are better or going back to "normal". That is one reason we have to let them become as comfortable as possible so that feeling is lessened, and they open up to us more.
That means, no awkward behavior around them, no guilt trips, no depressed or emotional moments in front of them, etc.
your doing great, and just keep it up. He will get more and more comfortable with you, and that is what you want.
ST
right now, affirmation is helping me keep going! Thank you so much for your support. I have stopped talking as much with friends and family. My mother said to me that she is concerned that, even if H realizes he has made a mistake, he will not come home because he would have to admit he madea mistake. He is very proud. I thought about it after I talked with her. You know, I thought I would have to be able to hear everything in order for us to work things out--a reason, and explanation, something> Now, I know that him coming home would be enough if he was willing to make the needed changes going forward. We both know what happened. Harping on it will not make it better, nor will it change it.
I know it is through prayer that I have come to this realization and I praise God for the strength to forgive and continue to love unconditionally.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Wow! Taking those three to the beach... he's either brave or stupid! But it sounds like they hada good time, and you and he interacted well. No matter what, that's a good thing. Working together and cooperating in the care of the kids can't be a bad thing in my mind. As long as he is making the effort to do what he can, and it sounds like he is, meeting him halfway isn't a bad thing, in my opinion.
(((((SMW)))))
Jeff--
Thanks for posting! My H is an AWESOME dad. The interaction is getting better. I wonder how much of it is because of me or because of the MC? I guess it really doesn't matter, as long as we can be amicable.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I'm so excited for you SMW, you sound so great! This attitude is just going to take you closer and closer to your goal!
and that is really cool about H taking kids to the beach, wow. Did you compliment him on that? Have you told him what a great dad he is?
That was something a good friend told me, in the middle of my sitch, H was concerned for our s9 and I text" just wait till he's really sick and you can't be there for him" ya, a horrible text, but I was still very hurt and angry and before DB. but my friend said, you need to tell him he's a good dad. and I said, are you kidding???? and she said, but he IS being a good dad, he was concerned for his boy being sick. So that was the beginning of my change for me. I text back "sorry, that message was out of hate, I didn't mean that. You are a good dad" or something like that. It took a lot of strength to push that send button, but once I did, boy it felt like a weight lifted off me and it was good to start giving him compliments like that.
oh, and I'm so glad you got insight from the For Women Only book. But don't get too obsessed with what you may have done. Perhaps he felt less then adequate with your moms help, or maybe not. This just gets us to thinking more about how we need to put our confidence in our H's and build them up instead of pushing them down.
Also, if you were dealing with depression, I feel that is a big factor. Now perhaps, H's reactions or actions lead you to the depression, or didn't help it, and this whole thing is just a big cycle, but it does make some sense that H probably struggled a lot during that time. Unfortunately he took the "bad" road and left, but we made a commitment to love them in good and bad, and this is definitely the bad.
Just keep up what your doing, and I agree about your thoughts on if H comes back and you guys don't talk about what happened. Their actions prove the most, not their words. although getting an apology is nice.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Church was upifting and wonderful this morning. I always feel so much peace when I get home.
Cookout was slated for 3pm, H showed up around 1pm. Walked in the house (wish he would stop that, unless he is going to move back in!), and came upstairs to say Hi and see if I needed any help. Told him I had everything under control. He wanted to know when to start the grill, told him that I had par-boiled the chicken so we did not need to start the grill until 3. Then asked which screen needed to be fixed. Showed him the screen and the problem. He fixed it and asked if there was anything else that needed to be fixed. Said no, it was good and to go play with the kids if he wanted. He looked surprised--but not in a bad way--and headed outside with our son.
In the past, whenever we have had any kind of get together at our house, I have been a strung out mess. Instead, today, he saw a clean, pulled together house, everything well under control, and my preparations way ahead of where tehy would normally be.
A little later, I went outside to smoke. H came over and sat down with me when I did. We chatted about nothing in particular. H fired off the grill, crisped up the chicken, and put it in the BBQ sauce on the stove. when he took the chicken into the house, he washed out the bowl from the marinated chicken and the pan he carried it upstairs in. He has not done that at all any other time he has been at the house for something.
When the rest of my family got to the house, we sat around talking and snacking on chips and stuff while we waited on the friends who were invited to show up, as well as my SIL. By 4, when they still were not there, we decided to go ahead and eat. While we were eating, I took the opportunity to give credit where it was due. My sister was praising the chicken. I told her that H had cooked it. He laughed and said--hardly, that i had done all the work. I flirted a bit and said, yerah right we all know I cannot grill anything without burning it. He smiled, laughed, and said fine he would take all of the credit. When he went in the house for more food, my sister teased me about ego-stroking, but said it was good to see us laughing together.
H complimented my cooking often. He played a board game with D8 after we ate. When my mom, her friend, and I started cleaning up, he put up the game and helped us--something new in the current scheme, but something he always did in the past. He gathered up all of the trash and was just generally really helpful. I thanked him everytime that I could just to let him know that I appreciated the help.
When we got all done cleaning up, Mom, friend, and I were sitting out back talking while H played with the kids. Then, I heard him in the kitchen making coffee. A couple minutes later, he came down and asked if I wanted a cup. He helped my mom get us all coffee and then came and sat down with us. the four of us sat and chatted for about an hour before mom and friend left. H helped me clean up from the coffee and we talked about eating arrangements for the week. I told him that he could take leftovers and picnic with the kids. I am also thinking on the suggestion to let him stay at the house for visitation and my going out instead.
He talked about some work related stuff. H said he had more leave on the books than he thought, that he would be able to take some time off before deployment to spend with the kids. I told him that I wanted to take them to the amusement park, but did not know how I would manage the three of them by myself. Said he would be willng to go along and help out with the kids. We also talked about all the discount tickets available on the ship.
Huggedand kissed the kids, and stood talking with me for a couple moe minutes. Told him I needed to give the kids baths, and I would see him tomorrow. He said, yeah, see you tomorrow, havea good night, do not stay up too late, take care. I told him okay, and to drive safe.
I have been fighting the inpulse to email him and thank him again for all of his help today. Now we are all caught back up and I need to go get some sleep. I wil talk to you all in the morning.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I'm so excited for you SMW, you sound so great! This attitude is just going to take you closer and closer to your goal! ST--I feel really good about me. I do still get sown and I miss H terribly. I am trying not to give him too much extra with the kids--I do not want it to be because I need to see him, you know?
and that is really cool about H taking kids to the beach, wow. Did you compliment him on that? Have you told him what a great dad he is? I did compliment him on teh beach, but yuou know, I do not know that I have told him what a great dad he is. No, wait, I take that back. I have brought it up in MC. However, outside of there, I do not think I have lately. It was hard to think about him like that and know that he wanted to break up our family at the same time. I am getting better about that attitude now.
oh, and I'm so glad you got insight from the For Women Only book. But don't get too obsessed with what you may have done. Perhaps he felt less then adequate with your moms help, or maybe not. This just gets us to thinking more about how we need to put our confidence in our H's and build them up instead of pushing them down. No, not obsessing, just realizing where I need to correct and move forward.
Also, if you were dealing with depression, I feel that is a big factor. Now perhaps, H's reactions or actions lead you to the depression, or didn't help it, and this whole thing is just a big cycle, but it does make some sense that H probably struggled a lot during that time. Unfortunately he took the "bad" road and left, but we made a commitment to love them in good and bad, and this is definitely the bad. The depression did not even really come up until MC started--my new IC and I had discussed it. The determination was post-partum depression that became a regular depression--caused by our circumstances in Michigan--the isolation, H's long hours, no friends, etc.
Just keep up what your doing, and I agree about your thoughts on if H comes back and you guys don't talk about what happened. Their actions prove the most, not their words. although getting an apology is nice.
Thank you again for the affirmation. It is good to hear that I am on te hright track. I feel liek the tortoise from the ASesop's fable--slow and steady wins the race.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Mom called me this morning. Wanted to know how long H stayed after she left. Said that the day was really nice and it was good tosee him acting more like "old" H--before the OW and all this crap. I agreed.
Apparently, her and my sis talked last night, too. My sis told her to lay off and let me do things the way I think is best--this is my marriage and I need to work it out for myself. Sis also told her that apparently my way was working, since H was so much more comfortable with all of us this weekend.
I think I am right to pull back from talking to friends and family, especially family, about what is going on. They are too close and too emotionally involved with the situation to be objective and my mom has very little positive or encouraging to say.
I would love to talk to my inlaws, but am uncomfortable calling them. I think I will try to contact them when they are here on Wednesday and see if they will drop by the house to see me then. My FIL and I are close and I miss that alot!
I need to go get some school work done. I ahve been so busy checking on all the fires that started this weekend on here (maryangela, G-force, John, Kalani) that I have not gotten anythign accomplished this morning. So, i am off, in the wors of Forrest--to DO WORK
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
