There is one thing however, a question that immediately springs to mind, "Why are you still not happy?"
Because obviously you are not what's making her unhappy even though she thinks that you are! My H does the exact same thing: blaming me for everything in his life like when he lost his keys or the dog chewed up his cord or things I had absolutely no control over. Because I've come to the realization that you can't look to other people or things (I always focused on a new house would solve our R problems or a new job for H). But you have to make yourself happy and I don't think she's figured that out yet!
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Nothing satisfies her.
I am asking myself now, why should I suffer such foolishness? Do I really want to be married to someone who has proven so selfish, shallow and prone to a severe lack of moral judgement? Maybe, for my sons' sake I should -- but, then, are my sons really worth enduring this person she has become? Well, they are worth it, certainly, even if she proves not be, but how long could I possibly hold up in such an insane situation? How long before depression would ensue yet again and I end up having a complete nervous breakdown?
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My H is the same way; no matter what I do he finds fault. And I'm a perfectly smart, good person who has tried to make the family happy (same as you). And it sounds like your W is not able to forgive at all; that incident she is mad about was 5 or 6 months ago? Time for her to let go of that! I think the anger is going to eat her up inside if it hasn't already!
I have wondered the exact same thing. I was so depressed & miserable when living with H and the criticizing, name-calling, yelling, nasty comments, etc. I do think I am stronger now and wouldn't allow him to doormat me as much, but how long would it be before that would make me depressed again (as it would anyone I think)???? When I pray about restoring my marriage I always pray "if it be Your Will", and I have to wonder sometimes maybe God isn't granting my prayer b/c that might not be the best thing for me, having H back full-time in my life? Karen
Sorry it's been a while since I've stopped by. I do keep my eyes on your thread though.
Gee, it seems like you just can't win. Come around, do repairs, the lawn...etc. and you're asked not to. Don't do them and you're blasted for that too.
I'm thinking about you & your boys.
Hugs- Sue
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
My H does those things for me, I don't ask(except this past Sunday) but HE is the walk away spouse! What is up with that...maybe guilt? You are a good guy nocode. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
When I pray about restoring my marriage I always pray "if it be Your Will", and I have to wonder sometimes maybe God isn't granting my prayer b/c that might not be the best thing for me, having H back full-time in my life?
Hi, Karen, you have taken the words right out of my mouth. Though I had pinned my hopes for a long time on an eventual reconciliation, I have come to think that the reason my M is proceeding unerringly towards D is because God knows something I don't. Perhaps because He can see into the heart of W for what it really is, perhaps He is allowing this M to end, to protect me and to prepare me for a new, more healthy phase of my life.
I've been following your sitch too. I myself need to call a truce with my W about the buying of stuff for the kids. The "arms race" is not only getting costly monetarily, it is giving our children a bad example of materialistic values.
Hi, Sue, I've been thinking about you and your DD too. I am impressed with how you're setting your boundaries and finding your resolve. I think I might have to start calling you, "Lwb, Jr." if you don't mind.
<journaling> Finally, after some week and a half, W responded to my email letting her know the mediation is not working and outlining three options for proceeding. She wrote:
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My name is on the mortgage so I'm actually willing to pay the mortgage & let you just give me a check for child support if you'd rather. Didn't I give you a check for May for $___ for my part of the mortgage? I wish you would cash them so I will know what my bank balance is supposed to be. I don't know what kind of cruel game you are playing now. By the way. In July a judge will decide on the custody issue. I will present the separation agreement & you can get a lawyer to do you one if you want & argue for you that being with you 7 days & me 7days is in their best interest. I think 5 should be the maximum. I will abide by the judges ruling. Honestly, your paranoid attitude does nothing to convince me that any of us are better off with you.
I have chuckled at the hypocrisy of the "paranoid" comment. Other than that I haven't made a lot of sense of what she means when she attempts to communicate with me ( How in the world did we get so wildly out-of-synch with each other? We used to be able to read each other's thoughts.)
But I guess she is opting for the third, more costly option, which is to go into an expensive court battle. She wants to risk going before a judge to make such an important decision. Maybe she doesn't realize that we are both likely to lose by such a decision.
Sad to say, I guess it's time to let the L do the talking.
[Sad to say, I guess it's time to let the L do the talking.
I think I will go through that too. You know I've read in several books that mediation works out only usually if you have 2 somewhat agreeable people, and I don't think your W qualifies! So if that happens, I think you just have to try to let it roll off your back somewhat, you know something inevitable like death, taxes, and your W going the most expensive legal path!
I think you should let the L do the talking, and try not even discussing legal stuff with your W any more, and if she brings it up then tell her "the L's will handle that" or something like that I mean, my H and I have had some of those discussions too, and do they ever really solve anything? Not with us anyway, and it doesn't sound like in your case. And I've read here, blame the L's for everything, too, if something unpleasant is going to happen or whatever legally, blame your L! They get paid for that I think and they can handle it!!! I've been trying to do that, too, those legal type discussions are some of our worst disagreements, solve nothing (my C says when we do that we are "pi**ing in the wind"! And in my case, H is a lawyer too, so I am really a dummy when I do that--although he hasn't been acting very smart lately either I don't think!!! Karen
You know I've read in several books that mediation works out only usually if you have 2 somewhat agreeable people, and I don't think your W qualifies!
That's another thing you and I can certainly agree on, quite obviously.
<journaling>
I had another verbal altercation with W this afternoon. I wish I would remember to record these things. She called to check on S3 this afternoon, but she quickly turned it into an inquisition into why I wasn't cashing her checks. I don't agree with her "interpretation" for what this monthly reimbursement was for. I think she's now trying to make it look like she has been paying me for half the mortgage out of the child support payment, which would mean I am not contributing to one or the other. I told her, no, it was for half the rent for her mother to stay there, which is no longer the case as of March 15.
W now flatly denies this, saying this was never the case -- her mother didn't need to pay any such rent since she was providing "free" daycare. W not only conveniently forgets, but has concocted a whole new history.
To rebut this I reminded W of a conversation she started with me when it came to me asking for the very first payment for her mother's rent. She had suddenly gotten all sulky and asked me, "What would you charge your own mother, say, if she had come to stay with you? Would you charge your own mother?"
I saw her question for the rhetorical barb it was. I replied, "No, for my mom, in all honesty, I would not ask her to pay me rent -- but I know darn well she would insist on doing so anyway."
When I reminded W of this conversation, she actually said, "I don't care." She tried to rehash everything that had transpired regarding her slanted versions of separation agreements, from the mediation and going back to the first week after she dropped the "bomb" on me last June. She again began saying something to the effect, "You sat right there on the couch agreeing with what I was drawing up..."
I told her not to go there. I told her she knew I was still in shock from her betrayal when she began this effort to "ramrod" down my throat a document wholly unfavorable to me.
She tried to say by setting things the way she had drafted them that she was just trying to make things "simpler" for me, but I had kept insisting on making it more complicated. I told her thanks, but no thanks.
She then asked what did I want to pay in child support. I told her simply what is fair. I tried to ask her for all the details of her income so I could calculate a C-S payment using my own figures. She turned that around by asking me if I ever sent a copy of my new pay stub to the mediator -- no, not since I did not have one myself just yet.
I told her we needed to start completely over in figuring the actual C-S payment, and that I was not interested in anything other than what was fair, even if it meant I paid more than at present. But I don't trust the way she and her mediator went about what was included and what was not in their estimates. She had the audacity to begin to accuse me of trying to control the situation. She launched into a diatribe, to which I threw in was the repeated phrase, "Pot-kettle. Pot-kettle."
This then quickly turned into another of her oft-repeated rants about how for years she paid all the bills, took care of the house, took care of the children and basically ran everything (while I did nothing else it would seem.) And how I didn't respect her or appreciate her, etc., etc.
Finally at one point, after quietly allowing her to vent her fury all over me, I told her I had had enough, and I announced to her that before I said anything I would later regret I was going to hang up -- which I then did, just as she was opening her mouth yet again for another volley.
NoCode, I have had several arguments like that with my H, too. And the thing is are they productive in any way? If it just leads to bitterness (at least on your W's part) and yelling and fury and all that, what is the point on trying to discuss divorce stuff with your W? Again, I would suggest you tell her that the Ls will handle it or something like that. I just don't think you are going to accomplish anything positive with these kind of discussions, and it's so stressful so why bother? (Please remind me of this advice when I go through this all, too, in case I forget!) Karen
I've been trying to do that, too, those legal type discussions are some of our worst disagreements, solve nothing (my C says when we do that we are "pi**ing in the wind"!