ow.......

[Jeanette1120]

Very good article.

I do believe obsessing about the OW/OM is not healthy, however, I also believe that KNOWING as much as you can about the OW is GOOD in certain situations.

What is/was so different between me and the OW. Certaintly wasn't looks as he downsized tremendously, not her job...not her status...it was because she played the needy victim. Rich was her night in shining armor that came galloping up to save her, most men NEED to feel needed. I, on the other hand am not a needy person, I am very independant and comfortable with myself. I did not need rescuing.

I have put together many pieces to the puzzle this last 2.5 years. Yes, by doing some detective work. It's good to know what your up against as long as you don't let it become an obsession.

Check this out...

OW is 34. She has been married 3x within the last 10 years. She is from Peru. First husband was 30 years older than her and somewhat wealthy. Second husband 25 years older and also weatlhy, third husband closer to her age, they were married for a few years. Second and third husband both have felony convictions for cocaine trafficking and possesion.

Rich dropped the bomb Oct 05, He left for a few days but came back during the hurricane and stayed for the holidays. OW filed for Divorce from #3 husband Dec 05, her divorce was granted Jan 06. Rich moved Jan 6, 2006 and never came back.

There is an unspoken communication or dance that goes on within a marriage between a wife and her husband and she knows when his step is off beat. No words are needed because she knows the man she loves, the father of her children, has cheated.

She's been in the picture for a long long time. She was married, he was married. She had been quietly plotting her theft of my H long before I realized anything was going on, but I knew something was wrong, for he had changed, he was lying about everything, his hands held him on the bed, I could do no right yet guilt for what he was doing kept him here for awhile, but I'm sure she started doing some serious pushing but not in a vindictive way, more in a "I need you more" kinda way. Ahhh but Rich was so very kind to all his friends and family, he is a "Saver".

For the OW, she is in constant pursuit and is never satisfied to be the primary object. She searches for the next married man to validate her desirability

That fits her MO to a T !

The OW convinces herself that she is better than the wife as she gives herself a pat on the back for a job well done. She reassures herself that she is the only one who understands him. Sadly for her, her appreciation and praise comes from a man who lacks his own self-esteem

I've actually spoken to Fabiwhorla on the phone, she almost word for word said the above to me. She said that I never understood what my H needed. Yes, she is a very street wise cunning woman.

She lacks respect and confidence in herself. She bases her accomplishments and measures her self importance by her endeavors in the bedroom

Believe it or not she actually told me they had a great sex life. Hmmm...unless he's doubled up on his testosterone cream I found that hard to believe.

I remember Rich telling me during the hurricane that he could not return home as his self esteem was so lacking that if he came home it would make it worse.

He questions his marriage and looks for blame to replace his shame. He starts rewriting the history of his marriage to justify his adultery

Oh how true this is. It was just Monday when out of the blue he called me at work to again, blame me for the demise of our marriage. This time however, he did not re-write history as far back as usual. I've moved up the ladder in the last two years. I am now at "We had 7 wonderful years". Yay Me! He admits he misses me, thinks about me and often wonders ifhe did the right thing, yet he says he cannot live in past. Neither can he say those 3 words. He can say them in a past tense manner, but no present tense.

Unfortunately he can only give her accolades for what she can produce for him, and that comes from the flesh department. But right now he convinces himself this is what he needs, something new, something forbidden, something that makes him feel alive. But eventually, even the forbidden can not satisfy a man who lacks his own self-worth. He looks for a band-aid to stop the bleeding.

Ahhh...amazing simply amazing. My x needed a child of his own to make him feel alive. His whole goal was to procreate. He THOUGHT he'd found a loving caring woman to whom he could plant his almost dead seed. But unfortuneatly her garden isn't working properly thus the ovulation kits. She will wither and die, he will be a lost soul who gave up so much.

He has lost all self respect and his self loathing has caused him to question society's rules and he has even started doubting his own God

.

Heard this from Rich several months ago. He disowned God. Said God is punishing him and what if God put him in this world only to make other people happy while he himself is never happy. Why would God be so cruel to not give him the one thing he wanted the most....a child. He lashed out at his counselor he saw a few months ago twice, said the man was nuts and thier was NOTHING wrong with him, it's everyone else.

Thanks for the ariticle. It helped with a few more pieces to my never ending puzzle.

Hugs,

Jeanette

[Evie]

Really great reading.

I'm really sorry to hyjack, but cinderellaman, if your reading would you mind popping over to my thread? I have been reading your story for most of the weekend now and you are where i want to be and wouldn't mind your take on my sit?

Sorry

Evie

Ps i'm sorry i don't know how to link

i'm called evie - 'H is having affair after all'

[angelica]

OK, this is the last input on the topic from me. I do agree with Jeanette, about knowing more about OW has some value, BUT, and it is a big but, why do we want to know?

If is to understand and have compassion, great, We have to forgive the OW for the damaged individual that they are. It isn't a choice if we know this. Otherwise we are like the Pharisee that Jesus criticised, saying 'thank God we not as others are'.

Make no mistake about it, we do have to forgive the OW as well as our h, if we are to move on and complete our journey.

A

[MidwesternGirl]

Angelica is absolutely correct in her above post.

In the very beginning I wanted to know what OW was like and what she looked like, and yes, she is the total opposite of me. Okay, fine. And yes, she is "screwed up" too, according to my H.

Patience, letting go of the anger, forgiveness, being kind, zipping the lips.........these things have to be done or you will be miserable for a long, long time.

[Jeanette1120]

Obsessing about the OW/OM is one thing, learning about them and trying to understand what lead your spouse to them is another.

Merely blocking them out and telling yourself they are damaged individuals isn't a coherent thought to have. SOMETHING lead them to these "damaged" people.

It does not hurt to know or understand your foe.

Patience, letting go of the anger, forgiveness, being kind, zipping the lips.........these things have to be done or you will be miserable for a long, long time.

These things have to be done more towards your spouse, not the OW/OM. Sure we can fogive them, but I still want to understand what she or he had to give/offer that I was not able to. Surely no one thinks they are so perfect they don't wonder what that person had/has to offer that you don't?

Perhaps my faults were bigger than I imagined. If so, then I don't mind working on them. I know I am not perfect and I suspect the OW/OM are not perfect either. It all goes back to knowing your opponent.

Silly example.

Say I'm not a good cook. Say OW is a WONDERFUL cook and Rich LOVES to eat. Would I not want to learn how to cook wonderful tempting meals to satisfy him? Or can I simply pull it off on all the other wonderful qualities I MAY HAVE? When I could have added another one?

It seems a small price to pay for alot gained.

If we were to just forgive, be kind, patient and zip our lips then our WAS would return to the same ole same ole, thus they would be the same ole same ole. And the story remains the same ole same ole. Sounds pretty boring huh?

And the world turns everyday, we are changing and learning. We are not the same ole same ole. WE never will be. Neither do I suspect we want them to be.

Someone has to change and with change brings change.


Hope everone had a wonderful weekend!!

Hugs,

Jeanette

[Jeanette1120]

crap!

That was supposed to be quoted, not a text strikethrough!

1 second editing SUCKS!

[sgctxok]

Correction complement of your moderator, servicewithasmile...yourmoderatordollarsatwork.

[Jeanette1120]

Hey!

Thank you very much!!

I bought a new keybord and its so newwwwwwwwwwwww and quiet.

Must be the lack of crumbs and uhm liquids on the keyboard

I spose I shall just have to read my posts over very carefully before I hit submmmiiitttt


I don]t mind, gibes me somqthnf to do.

[MidwesternGirl]

These OW are so low life it is not even funny.

My husband would never know how to pick up on a woman, esp. being married. My kids even said their dad is such a wuss that there is no way he began this affair.

And today, almost four years later, he is still with her. I know it is not about her but about him and in order for him to feel better, he has got to pick something out to make me look terrible such as the case of tonight which is on my thread.

My H even said that this OW is so sick that she needs help but he chose to go back to her didn't he????

[Cinderellaman]

Jeanette,

Well said !

There is however a 'BUT'

You see, sometimes we change, for the better and even in the direction of what our spouses were looking for and missing in us. Yet it is still not enough to bring them back. This is where I feel that we can tell, it is THEIR thing they are going through, that no matter how sweet and loving we become, if they are not fully baked, they're not fully baked !

Good thread, but for the newbies,.....please don't give the op too much of your energy, it's not worth it in the end. Truly it's not.