It's a Retro technique that Sara (I think it was her) mentioned on a thread. Here's what I saved from it:
“Dialoguing is a written conversation technique that is taught at Retrouvaille weekends (www.helpourmarriage.org). Each spouse has a notebook. You decide on a question together. It is usually phrased, "How do I feel about ________?" Both spouses take 10 or 15 minutes to answer the question in their notebook. You are taught at the weekend what kinds of things to say, that is, to talk only about yourself, talk about feelings, not thoughts or beliefs, and lots of other ground rules of writing. Then you exchange notebooks and read what the other has written. You read it twice -- once with your head and once with your heart. And then each spouse takes turns asking the other questions about their feelings. Again, you are taught how to ask questions to elicit feelings, not thoughts.
Dialoguing is a tool that brings couples closer together because they get to understand how the other feels about things without arguing. If you understand how the other feels, and if you care about that person, then you will do things to add to their good feelings and not hurt them.
Retrouvaille is a wonderful program of self-help taught by other couples who have been there, been through the misery of an unhappy marriage, but have healed their marriages. They show you how they did it. Then it is up to you and your spouse to follow the path they show you. Dialoguing is something they suggest you do daily.
I don't know your circumstances Marcum. It is for couples that are willing to go to the weekend with an open mind and a willing heart. (Usually, one partner is much more willing than the other). If you and your wife want to improve your communication, then this program is for you. I can tell you it saved my marriage and changed us as people. We are both less self-centered and just nicer to each other than were before. All married people should learn what they teach at Retrouvaille weekends.”
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
We're registered for one here in July, but it's highly unlikely that I'll actually get to go. People on here, and elsewhere, rave about it.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
I know that lots of people do Retro even if they aren't religious, but I'm wondering what other marriage weekends there are out there. Not that my H&I are about to go off on a weekend together anytime soon. Just curious.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Last night she told me she feels like we are doing too much together...she says she realizes she has a need for "freedom" that she didn't realize was as strong as it is. She asked if I had a problem with her doing stuff with friends or whatnot on nights when I would just be home by myself.
I can give her space, I know that. I really don't have any problem at all with it.
I thanked her for bringing it up...this is good communication!
MM, I think one of the things we forget during piecing is to continue to GAL and not fall back into our old habits that got us in this sitch in the first place. She should have things that she does on her own and you should too.
It IS good that that she brought it up rather than letting it fester. Also good that you thanked her. You both have to be comfortable discussing your feelings.
The ups and downs are hard to deal with but hopefully over time it levels out.
just stumbled across this thread. will go back and read your others. although me and w were not physically sep. emotionally we were. then, it seemed like out of the blue, she decided to work on m and work through our problems. of course a lot more to it than that. i can relate to a lot of your feelings about waiting for other shoe to drop. seems my whole demeanor is based on her mood. thats where my gal needs to continue. also the part about affection dropping off kind of hits home also. after w decided to work on m, she finally let her guard down and we talked, talked, hugged, kissed, other things too......but so often when we talk, she feels need to remind me that this is going to take time to work through. i asked her why she felt the need to tell me that. she said because if we move too fast things are going to go right bck to the way it was b4. she is right. so best to go slow. but its hard when things are going good not to get carried away and start going all " melty man" as puppydogtails puts it. hard to be COOL when the love of your life starts to show some interest after being rejected by her for so long. i would love for you to read my sitch but i dont know how to add a link to my post. how do i do that? anyway, congrats on being where you are. sounds like you worked your ask off. i did too, just not for as long. we both have infinite work left to do. kind of scary, but a year from now, maybe all our crap will just be a bump in road. talk again later
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
