Lise, your sitch certainly puts things in perspective. I don't know what I would do if my W decided (decides) to put some distance between us such that seeing my children, let alone sharing custody of them, would be a near impossible ordeal.
On how do you do it, I have a friend who asks herself that question all the time, and her STBXH is a substance abuser. She puts a lot of faith in God that the brief time her 18-month old visits with daddy that nothing bad happens. It's still always very painful and anxious for her, but I find her patience in the face of this quite remarkable.
On how do you do it, I have a friend who asks herself that question all the time, and her STBXH is a substance abuser. She puts a lot of faith in God that the brief time her 18-month old visits with daddy that nothing bad happens.
NoCode, that's kind of scary-leaving an 18 month old with a substance abuser. Has she talked to an attorney about that at all? I would think if the courts knew about that I would hope they would want supervised visitation or something like that??? I believe in the power of God too, but I don't think he minds when we help out, too! Karen
Karen, I agree. So does my friend. But the circumstances are that she has no choice. Her STBX is from a very wealthy family, with loads of legal resources to bring to bear and willing to fund a long, drawn-out litigious arms race in the courtroom. The H claims to be "recovering" and has managed to eek out an every-other-weekend parenting schedule.
Given how things have been stacked against her in the courts, she has decided to make the best of a situation she cannot control. What else can she do? She's already blown the equivalence of 90,000 dollars trying to keep her and her child's lives sane, all to little gain. Now her best tact is to make as much peace for her son as she possibly can. The rest she can only leave to God.
nocode, W couldn't find anything wrong with how you handled S7, plus she used you for a possible back up again. Killing her with kindness and being agreeable.
I am sorry about your thoughts re: your recent anniversary. Last spring, I remember hoping that on our 10 yr wedding anniversary (5/1) we would be on a 'reconciling vacation'.
Hope you had a nice weekend.
Did I read that right? That you go NINE days without seeing your sons? That breaks my heart.
You have that right -- under the current version of our parenting schedule, I get the kids 5 days every two weeks to W's 9 days. That's why I wrote W the following letter last night (early AM):
Quote:
W,
It is time I told you what's been on my mind. The mediation is just not working. I knew before I walked out of the previous session, but I have slept on this and thought about it ever since.
I do not have faith that the mediator you've hired is practicing true impartiality, or is looking out for my interests to the same obvious degree she is looking out for yours. And I have tried to be as open and accommodating as possible, but one can only bend so much.
As such, I am calling it off. I'm not interested in what is this same old song and dance you've been doing since last June. Which is to grant you full control over the entire situation. You refuse to hear me or my terms.
I will remind you that I told you even before going into the first session that anything less than 50-50 custody would be a deal-breaker for me.
I figure we have three options (there may be more.)
(1) We start all over on the voluntary mediation. Even hire a new mediator. I won't accept any mediator who dismisses out-of-hand my terms for at least 50-percent custody without so much as hearing me out, or providing adequate legal, logical and moral justifications. <mediator> has been given more than sufficient time but has failed to show she is so unbiased.
(2) Each of us hires our own attorney under a Collaborative Law agreement. There's no judge or jury, just four people around a table to hammer this separation agreement out. Your lawyer is there to represent your interests; my lawyer is there to represent mine. Obviously more costly than voluntary mediation since it involves two lawyers, instead on one. But is far, far cheaper than a court battle, and takes far less time.
(3) We go to court. We each blow tens of thousands of dollars, spend countless hours in litigation, and destroy whatever peace might have been possible between us, not to mention the financial futures of each of us and of S7 and S3.
I am ready for whatever, come what may.
...
On another note, it is now May 18th -- Happy Anniversary, of sorts. I am so sorry it has come to this. It didn't have to be this way.
The "anniversary" I refer to is that of our first date (which is also the anniversary of the day I asked her to marry me).
When W called this evening, I mentioned to her that I had sent her an email (with this text). She said she had not had a chance to read her email yet. I didn't say it, but I could have told W that I knew already that she hadn't had a chance to read my email, because I had been by the house earlier today and noted the telltale evidence that she had never come home at all last night, again.
I wished her "Happy Anniversary" and started to say goodbye, but she paused and said something to the effect that I never said anything last year about the anniversary of our first date. I started to raise a counter-argument, but she was obviously winding up for a pitched verbal battle. So, while the volume of her voice began to rise, I merely hung up before she could go any further.
W called back a minute later, saying that that was rude and then we each said good-bye.
I mentioned the "anniversary" for no other reason than if I had not she would have counted that as a negative as well. At least by saying something in acknowledgment of this date my conscious is truly clear.
I got no reply all week from W to my email. She did "reply" to it in an email regarding the same subject title, but it did not even address the contents of what I wrote -- she merely asked what I was planning to do once my lease runs out in this apartment next month.
But I got another email later this week from the mediator W hired. It was sent in reply to what W had sent her, and I was being copied. W had asked the mediator for the final copy of the Separation Agreement (SA) she had been preparing and to ask the mediator, this female attorney she found to act as our mediator, whether she would now represent W as her personal legal counsel.
So not only do I find this mediator is biased, but W has felt comfortable enough in how this lawyer was giving her all the benefits of a doubt that W would hire her as her attorney. Priceless.
The so-called mediator did have enough integrity to copy me on her reply to W, which was to tell W that she could not represent her unless I was willing to waive any complaint of conflict of interest.
On that, I'm not inclined.
It's now been several days, and still no official response from W on my email. I will be sending a follow-up message with a deadline for her to respond. I am not going to stall much longer before I take her silence to mean she is taking the least favorable, extreme option (a court battle).
----
On another note. W announced last evening when I called our S's that she had bought a tent and they were camping out in the backyard of our house last night. She really is a piece of work. (This might not mean much to those of you who haven't followed my thread, but it is significant in my particular sitch.)
Sounds like a frustrating week, Nocode! Sorry to hear that! But the good part is your W is obviously ok with camping/fishing now so have you taken your kids on a trip yet?
Sorry also to hear about your mediator. That sounds like a problem to me. I know you were suspicious of the mediator's impartiality and it sounds like that confirms it. What a shame!
I just noticed today probably again that your W is 43 and my H is also--I have to think they are going through some kind of MLC which makes them crazy. Or has your wife always been like this? I was asking on my thread yesterday (will check later) but I am wondering if they will return to more of a normal personality or this is it--b/c if I knew that I would file for divorce tomorrow (or at least I'd like to think that I would)! Karen
Preface I spent several months following D-day and in the subsequent separation still trying to carry out what had been my regular household duties in a house I was no longer living in. This included cleaning, yard work, repairs, etc. I saw this as my duty and just part of the territory as a homeowner since I am still at least half owner of the marital residence -- and I had originally volunteered to move out to allow my S's to continue to live there with their mother (since W was hellbent on making sure we no longer lived under the same roof anymore.)
Did I get any thanks for this work? No, but then I never received any acknowledgment from W or MIL or anyone else before the bomb either. What have I gotten? Just scorn -- W complained I was doing this merely to "shame" her, and she also claimed that I was "crowding" her, preventing her from achieving the "space" she demanded from me.
Is it any wonder I eventually stopped?
Likewise, I bought paint and supplies this past Fall to repaint the kitchen, because we were going to have to sell this house some day -- but she and her mother never wanted me to actually come around to actually do the work. They told me they would handle the stripping of the old wallpaper off the walls, then I could come in to handle the painting. And W also wanted to hire a sheet-rock person to fix and patch the walls and celiling, so I had to wait on that too. Eventually W hired a contractor (without consulting with me first) to handle the entire job, including providing the paint and supplies (wasting my original investment in materials).
<journaling> Well, on Sunday I picked up our S's for the Memorial Day observance (so W could work the holiday, or so she claims.) In our garage she started talking to me about all the work it has taken to get our house ready to sell. She was relating all the difficulties in taking care of the lawn and the garden. I turned to her and asked her whether she needed any help. W gave me a nasty retort, saying "No, not if you're going to throw a fit like you did the last time I asked you to help clean up the house. All I asked you to do was to get some of your useless junk out of here. And you decided to get angry and slam doors."
(That exchange she referred to came about on a Sunday back in January. As described here . I later apologized for getting angry, but she has held this over me ever since.)
So, because that was a very slanted mischaracterization of what actually happened, I said nothing to W when she brought this back up and proceeded to continue to load up my S's and to leave -- I was not going to give any credence to W's words by responding to them.
But then W sent me an email before I even got back to my apartment:
Quote:
I can't believe the exchange we just had. I've been striving to get the house ready to sell in addition to the basic chores that have to be done every day while making sure the kids get the attention from me they need & plenty of playtime. I've been doing a great job. S7 has been having great days like Friday was. S3 is potty-trained. The yard looks beautiful. The house is freshly painted inside & well-maintained outside because I made sure the wood trim has been painted when it started to peel & I have Trugreen keeping the grass going despite a severe drought. Yet not one word is mentioned about how nice the yard looks. Not one VOLUNTARY word about helping with mowing or coming on the weekend you have the kids to get rid of your obsolete stuff you haven't missed in almost a year. I mentioned how hard it is getting the house ready to sell all by myself & you say "You need some help?" I look at you in disbelief & can't help but think of the once I asked you to move your 2 extra computers & desks & how you threw a HUGE scary tantrum slamming doors & saying mean things to me & my Mom. No I WILL NOT ask you for help again. You have said yourself we needed to have downsized & sold this house, so selling the house is not anything I'm doing to hurt you. It needs done, & I'm doing it.
<commentary> I don't know how to respond, if at all, to this person. There is one thing however, a question that immediately springs to mind, "Why are you still not happy?"
W has gotten her space, her precious freedom. I am letting her stand on her own. I am shouldering a lot of additional burdens so she can now get to play the single life with her (not-so) secret boyfriend. I have dropped the rope and am focusing on myself and my sons instead. And yet she still acts like I am the cause of the misery in her life even now. If/When she gets her greatly desired D, what then will she have to blame on me? Will she continue to make me the scapegoat for all her displeasure with life, even when she will have succeeded in removing me (almost) entirely? There will still be the children between us, but if she thinks she can make herself happy by removing me from their lives (even if I were to allow it) then she is sadly mistaken.
Nothing satisfies her.
I am asking myself now, why should I suffer such foolishness? Do I really want to be married to someone who has proven so selfish, shallow and prone to a severe lack of moral judgement? Maybe, for my sons' sake I should -- but, then, are my sons really worth enduring this person she has become? Well, they are worth it, certainly, even if she proves not be, but how long could I possibly hold up in such an insane situation? How long before depression would ensue yet again and I end up having a complete nervous breakdown?
I believe in the power of God too, but I don't think he minds when we help out, too! 
Karen