Newcomers, set your goals

[cat11]

My goals have changed somewhat from what I first thought they would be. Originally I was focused on the SSM part. To that end my goals were/are:

1. Pay more attention to my appearance. Just because we're hanging out at home doesn't mean I have to look like slob! This also includes wearing more of the styles/types of clothing H likes.
2. Initiate sex and touch, kiss, hug, more.

Recent developments have made me realize we've moved past just the sex problem. He has basically "gotten over it". Meaning after so many years of hurt and rejection he has alot of anger and resentment that we have to work through. So here are my goals to work on that:

1.Don't pressure him!! He's indicated he needs time to process what is happening and he can't just act like everything is rosy again all of a sudden. I won't initiate R conversations, won't ask him again to read SSM, etc. I'll recognize that he had already begun to "move on" emotionally without me and will need time to come back.
2.I'll just continue to work on my behavior and my reactions to things (have already gotten positive feedback from him on what I've been doing so far.) This includes the things mentioned in the SSM goals, as well as just being a more positive, supportive person, the one he fell in love with and who just got lost somewhere along the way.

[Ms. Laura]

I've been DBing for about 6 months. We have made improvements but ever so slowly. The biggest change is my H is now beginning to participate in improving our marriage. I believe he got to this point because I met similar goals you have. So KEEP AT IT!
One mistake I made is once he began to participate, I stopped DBing and began some of my "more of the same" behaviors. H has expressed some doubt again. He says there are times he is not comfortable being with me or talking to me. Fortunately I was able to control my emotions and hurt when he said this. Now I am back to DBing with the main goals of:

1)Rediscovering the fun, supportive, not so serious person I am by focusing on my interests - coaching volleyball, gardening and reading.

2)Listening, listening, listening when he's talking to me and not be so serious when he is joking around.

3)Keep the pressure off. Stop bugging him to spend time with me during the times he just needs space.

Good luck!

[cat11]

Ms Laura...thanks for your post...it helps to hear about progress being made. My H has not begun to participate...he still thinks it's my problem to deal with. I've seen some changes in his behavior in response to my DB efforts tho, so I'm very motivated. Thanks again for your post..the goals you listed are exactly things I need, and a much needed reminder to keep it going and not back slide into some of my old behaviors. Felt myself doing it tonight and had to really pull back and think about what I was about to say. Hope things continue to go well for you!
Cat

[kellyl]

My goals:

1. Don't call or email first. Be RE-active, not PRO-active. I can respond if she writes or calls first.
2. Do not invite to do anything. I can say "yes" if I receive an invitation.
3. Do not talk about the Relationship. She is grieving and cannot do this right now (lost her father a few months ago and has shut down during his care and then death).
4. Build a life separate from her in case this does not work out and because it is the healthy thing to do.
5. Make my own plans for the weekend. Do not wait to be asked by her.

[MichelleLT]

1. I will be more patient. I know I can come off as pushy and opinionated, especially when it comes to making a decision and since my H is a people pleaser he will say "okay" even if he doesn't want to just to avoid an argument. I used to let him set the pace for everything and it seemed to work better back then.

2. I will not bring up OW or snoop (been good about this for the most part since I found DR, but have fallen off the wagon occasionally).

3. I will try to be "darker" to H. Far too easy to do since we have no kids, no house, nothing to keep us in contact or together.

4. I will smile more and remind myself to always be happy when (if) I see H (haven't seen him since November I guess). Market myself against OW. I'm sure she's always happy to talk to him.

5. Despite the fact that H has encouraged me over the course of our relationship not to take time-outs and think about what I want to say to him, me getting into the habit of venting to him and not taking time-outs has led to him saying that I'm a nag and I'm bipolar and I'm an angry person and I only put on a nice face when we go out. So, even though he used to complain about the fact that I was more timid with my opinions, it obviously worked better than what I was doing once he got home from his deployment.

6. I have to figure out how not to threaten him. Instead of being happy with the independence I had while he was deployed overseas, he doesn't feel like I need him and like my life kept going without him. He is very bothered by the fact that I will be graduating with my J.D. soon and he had to drop out of B.S. program when he got deployed. He also does not enjoy the love of debate I have cultured while in law school as he takes these debates very personally and considers them arguments.

[Jenksie]

The big goals are to A)talk about about stuff other than what is for dinner or our current situation B)have physical contact again, kissing, hand hold and eventually sexual relations

1) Husband will come to me to talk about our situation (we have had marathons the last few days)I am not going to initiate.
2) I will not ask about the other woman nor snoop.
3) I am going to change my routine and not be as obsessive about my hobbies in order to have more time for him(probably sell a lot of my yarn)
4) Liven up! I have been so down lately that I got very sick.

[Starshyne]

Goals: Right now I would like for my H to give me a hug.

Little goals
1. Play the guitar at least once a day and look into lessons
2. When I feel the need to cry, get as far away from H as possible.
3. Validate my H's feelings when he shares them with me.
4. Do things to feel sexy (make up, perfume, clothes)
5. Leave the house at least once a week night and be vague where I am going to be.

[faith4life]

My goals...not really sure where to start.

1. I want my H and daughter to spend quality,positive, bonding time together.

2. I want to have a date night 1/wk with H and no kids--out of the house if possible.

3. I want to do something for me 1/wk at least (read, get out of the house, jog/walk, etc.

4. I want to be appreciated for the things I do as a wife and mother.

5. I want to show H that I appreciate the good things he does as well.

7. I want to write out my positive about my H and post them up so that I can remember to focus on those more frequently.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

I had put my goals on my main thread in Newcomers, but i will repost them here for convenience' sake. Hopefully someone will come along and give me some feedback as to whether or not I am on the right track.

Here they are:
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personal goals--

Get more sleep at night--I need to try going to bed earlier so that I am able to get up in the morning with more focus and clarity. May have to resort to anti-depressants and sleeping pills to help with this.

Start working out 2-3x a week, walk at least a mile 2-3x a week--I need to make sure that I reinforce the weight loss that has already happened. I am feeling better about my looks on a daily basis. Of course, having a group of D16's guy friends (17-22 years old) tell me I am "way hotter" than the OW helps my self-esteem alot

Spend more individual time with the kids. They are their own little eprsonalities and they need that one on one time.

Spend more time socializing with friends--visiting, going to the movies, joining sorority group that I had been putting off doing. Attend support group meetings for the ship. Deployment is coming and I need to attend the meetings to get the information on the ship's schedule. I will not count on H to give it to me. Invite friends overthe house once a month for dinner and games or movies. We have a large group of friends that are more homebodyish than go out and drink types.

Family goals--

Spend more time as a family doing things--go to the park, summer is coming and so is beach weather. Take them on my walks with me. Family Movie night every other week--we set up a mock movie theater and the kids "buy" their snacks at the "concession stand". Also helps D8 with her math skills

Be more patient with the kids and their acting out and not listening--keep up the work on not jsut yelling , but talk to them about why they are acting out. I need to remember that they are hurting, too.

Work with kids on getting chores done when asked to give us the free time to do what we want for fun.

Spend more time with my Mom--try to go to auction with her, invite her and sister's family over for dinner once a month. keep the family support network strong.

Attend church faithfully every Sunday and start praying together every night. God is our strength and will sustain us if we ar faithful.

Relationship goals

H will call and ask how I am doing personally, will ask how school is going. This is somethign that he used to do everyday before the A happened. He would call me a couple times a day just to talk and see how my day was going.

H will be friendlier when we talk, will smile and look me in the eyes, not look at the ground or off into the distance He will look

H will give me dates for us to go to MC and he will actually attend. He has said he would go to MC to help me understand why things are over between us. My hope is that while weareattending counseling he will acknowledge the possibilty that things are not competely dead, that there amy be something there to work towards.

H will make an effort to talk to D16 and not giveup if she is initially reluctant. H will be willing to go to her C with her if that is what is needed for them to be able to talk.

H will ask to stay for Movie Night and spend exxtra time with teh kids and I together.

H will attend church with us before he leaves on deployment. This would be a major step, but one I am hopeful for, as he had so enjoyed attending church before all of this happened.

H will come to D5's Preschool graduation on May 30 and we will go out to dinner as a family afterwards. He will leave his cell phone in the car while we are all out together.
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I am looking forward to some guidance and just to know if I have not got them right yet or if I need to simplify more.

SMW

Why is it that people get married?
Because we need a witness to our lives.
There’s a billion people on the planet.
What does any one life really mean?
But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything…
The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things,
All of it… all the time, every day.
You’re saying “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.
Your life will not go unwitnessed - because I will be your witness.”Wife in the movie, "Shall We Dance?" 2004

[Just Beau]

1.No snooping
2.Become a friend to W.Someone she'd like to chat with
3.Have W contact me about me,not daughter
4.Forgive myself
5.Get a hug from W before my BDay (Sept)