Partner left after 9 years - 6 months on

[Virtually_Handsome]

OK, so it is clear that he has some feeling of inferiority with you. Which may be why he doesn't compliment you, he is insecure about himself.

Any more psychanalysis goes beyond my training as an engineer! (in the American, rather than British, sense).

[AliSuddenly]

I think he did feel a bit like he had me on a pedestal and he was chasing this great catch (his words) and for some reason, either I slipped off it, or he got more confidence and raised himself up in his mind. Or both!

I thought he didnt compliment me becuase he didnt want to lead me on at all or give me any false hope (he is a very honourable guy which is why he would never touch me unless he wanted me back), like Kalni said, he cant do these things as that would signal a decision, which he doesnt know yet.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I don't think you slipped of the pedestal, or that his confidence increased. I think he convinced himslelf that he wasn't worthy. That he didn't deserve you.

[transformer]

darlin A,

Just checking in to see how you're doing. Some things I've been thinking about, along the same lines as Kalni.

One of the best things anyone told me, before I found DB and the BB, was from a friend of mine who said, "If he sees you and you're in a really good place, he'll want to be with you. You might not even need to plan anything, it could just happen." Since then, I have been working to put myself in a good place. That has taken many forms. Not to look like I'm in a good place, or act, or pretend, but to truly be in a good place. I think this applies to you too. What would you be doing differently, if you were working to put yourself into a good place? (instead of working yourself into a tailspin at every single event or nonevent from BF)?

Also, although I admit I find it somewhat confusing, I think you would really enjoy the bitch book. I think actually you might need to read it. Some quotes that I think are relevent to both our situations:

"a page from the male rulebook: It's a man's world so we are used to getting our way. But when a woman has her own way of doing things, she becomes very intriguing. Even though we seem a little confused when we don't get our way, we secretly respect it. Suddenly, we get to see things from a different perspective. And then we spend the rest of our time trying to figure out how we can fit into *her* spicy world."

"a page from the male rulebook: The definition of unforgettably sexy: A woman who can function on her own and take care of herself. She won't let me always have the upper hand. And, she can tell anyone to go jump in the lake whenever she feels like it."

I think it's really time for you to focus on your own spicy world, and show yourself that you can function on your own and take care of yourself. Your world is already very spicy, ali! Don't you forget it! The task right now is to make it as flavorful and delicious as possible.... *for you*.

Imagine, you are cooking the world's most exquisite curry ever. the mouthwatering aromas of turmeric and cumin waft from your windows in every direction. People walking on the beach will smell this amazing meal on the stove, and yearn to join you at the feast.

Truly... make your own feast, Ali. For you. For *you*.

I kind of get this feeling that BF won't be ready to come back, and you won't be ready for him to come back, until you really know, in the depths of your being, in the most core of cores, that you can be totally OK, happy, blissed out, ecstatic, on your own. Not just as an abstraction or philosophical stance, but because you are happy and blissed out on your own, and you know from experience that you can do it without him.

that's just my 2 cents!!!

((((A))))

T

[AliSuddenly]

Hi T ! Thanks for your help, as always! I havent checked your sitch yet, I must, to see what happened about the song!

Not to look like I'm in a good place, or act, or pretend, but to truly be in a good place...What would you be doing differently, if you were working to put yourself into a good place?

Well I am surviving in a place I had no old friends and no job when he left me. Everyone expected me to drop out of college and move home, but I didnt and 6 months later I am managing financially, I have made a couple of new friends, I got about 6 different jobs, I strated pottery, I went to find out about a tennis/squash club yesterday...emotionally its been a struggle, but I no longer cry over him...I'm proud of managing to stay at college though. He did a terrible thing to me, he walked out of my life on a sixpence.

Ahh, the Bitch book! I've heard so much about this!

"Even though we seem a little confused when we don't get our way, we secretly respect it. Suddenly, we get to see things from a different perspective. And then we spend the rest of our time trying to figure out how we can fit into *her* spicy world."

This was the problem in my R! I always did what I wanted! I was the strong one and he fitted in with me. It got ridiculous, I would say, what are YOUR dreams? We dont always have to be following mine. Why dont YOU make some decisions, why do I always have to be in charge !? And then he left me!

"A woman who can function on her own and take care of herself. She won't let me always have the upper hand"

Ditto. He wouldnt say he ever had the upper hand, but he does now! I guess thats why he left. I always took care of myself (he moved into my house in the early days, but I wouldnt let him for over a year.) I sorted out all our houses, the finances, the renovations. Now I havent said a word to him about jobs or money, I've just got on with it. He's been impressed apparently at how I've coped.

Maybe my R was like the bitch book in reverse, or maybe you can take it too far...be too confident, too strong, too much of a coper..then the man may feel weak or demasculated and leave you!!! My BF has always been weak and a people-pleaser and that predates our R, as he said to me.

I agree with you that he probably wont want to come back until I'm over him, becuase thats human nature!!!

I havent given enough hugs out lately, but I appreciate all your help everyone, just being "there", well, out there, seomewhere! I woke up feeling like my sense of humour may be returning !

[Kalni]

I've mentioned it to Lisa's or T's thread I think. I am not sure I like the book. I understand it but it is too "b$tchy" for me. I can adapt the theory behind it but not the examples they are using...(it's not for us Ali, we are Drama Queens, Hard on the outside super soft inside).

I am glad you are feeling better today...

K

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Kalni! Ah, I'm glad you agree then, as I'm not sure it would help in my R either right now. But I'm willing to consider options!

Wow...my hair looks ace! I coloured it dark reddy brown, its v dark! And I got it cut, looks fab. I have one of my favourite outfits on and I'm off to college to do some screen printing.

Remember I said there was a guy in my year I thought fancied me? Well I caught him looking at me yesterday, but I'm not so sure he does as he is gorgeous !!! Tall, jet black hair, pale skin and high cheekbones and the palest green eyes I have ever seen, wierd, like opal (?). I decided.. I'm going to go see him in his studio today to say hi and see what hes working on.. hes always chatty when I see him. He was telling me last time about this yoga/standing meditation he does every day and drinking herbal tea, so although hes 20, 22 (dont know?) he is not a typical lad. Maybe he likes Cougars

I'm going to go flirt for fun ! (oh, uh-hmm, I meant, for practice for my BF)

Ali x

[lea123]

Hi Ali

You've been reading Cainer's horoscopes! I know what you mean about him being optimistic. This week he said something in my life that seems set in stone, isn't. I of course was hoping it meant me & H's sitch, but its Friday and if anything things are getting worse
Your new hair cut sounds great, I think changing something like that always makes you feel better about yourself.

Have fun practising your flirting!!

Lea
xxx

[transformer]

Ali,

girl I know what you mean. I may have unwittingly taken the strong and independent thing too far as well. (thus the confusion on my thread). have fun flirting with gorgeous art hottie!!!!!!! he sounds downright lickable!!!

(((A)))
T

[MichelleLT]

I don't think you slipped of the pedestal, or that his confidence increased. I think he convinced himslelf that he wasn't worthy. That he didn't deserve you.

I concur! My H & I also seem to have this problem. I'm not sure how to address it honestly some days since I'm not going to let my life go to $h!t just so he can bail me out lol.

(((Ali))) Happy Friday!!!!

Have fun practicing your flirting.