Partner left after 9 years - 6 months on

[Purr]

Hi Ali,

Sorry I haven't been posting as much. I'm reading your thread but I'm overwhelmed right now since it appears my sitch is now over. But I wanted to post and say that if you are to go the route of R. talk, it may be possible to do so without asking a point blank question. Maybe a way to gently introduce or check in about where things are at is an idea. That way he doesn't feel as "pinned down" to define things. It could still be very unclear at the end, but it is an incremental step forward and may yield some good information.

I am sorry for not having posted on your and others threads like I have been. I'm just super messed up right now.

Purr

[RefuseToLose]

Ali,

You asked:

contact has tailed off. What do I make of that?

The answer is NOTHING!

Remember, NO EXPECTATIONS and FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES.

Finally, if you think you should have a little R talk, then go ahead. The thing that scares me w/ this is I'm afraid you will try to solve your relationship for good in one discussion and then be either crushed or overanalyze it if it doesn't meet your expectations.

I would advise you to NOT have the relationship talk until you can honestly not have any expectations on BF. I'm not sure you are in that place right now. However, I've been wrong before (according to my W, it happened daily or even multiple times each day), so take what I type for what it's worth -- either food for thought or mindless chatter.

Either way, I'm here in your corner and will keep looking out to see how you are doing.

Try not to worry. Let time tick. Everything will work for all of us in time. All we have to do is allow it to happen.

RTL

[AliSuddenly]

Hi guys... Purr, bless you for responding. I thought of you when I got up this morning! I hope you are ok, I see Kalni agreed too, so us woman feel that this aint over till the fat lady sings, I know its sooo tough though. I'm at the near end of my tether already and I havent had an R talk like you have.

Jeff, do you think??? I wish I had been brave another to speak up the Sunday he was here for roast dinner, or in the car driving home (hmm, not good location!), or Monday. It just never seems the right time, I guess he doesnt invite personal conversation and I am operating from a position of fear with him.

I've just been reading an interesting article about fear and how to not let it rule us and the antidote is to behave with Courage! So I guess that would mean speaking up to him.

Anyway, hi RTL ! I've been following your sitch, as ever, wow, its all been such a hard road for you. I admire your strength of character !! I'm a wibbly wobbly mess compared to you.

Well, just had some GREAT news! I'm excited (and nervous!).. rang the recruiter for that Java programmer job, turns out the other 6 or 7 people that applied were no good, so... she has only forwarded my CV to the company!!!!! I was thrilled! She said she told them I was an excellent candidate and the right person for the job...The company have been filling 2 other roles last week and this and will get around to the vacacny I applied for next. Maybe end of this week or next. Thats great odds! 1 out of 1 chance of getting it!!?

I tried to find out if there would be a technical element to the intereview, because I would fail that right now. I havent programmed for 18 months and have completely forgotton how to ! Not a clue! It would all come back though within a few weeks. I will have to revise for the interview, but I have college finals in a week or two, so cant focus on both at once. Fingers crossed it takes them a while to get around to my CV !

Wow.. a full time job about in programming, that would be sooo good for me. My BF reacted a little strangely when I told him, sort of mumbled and didnt really say/ask much about it. I wasnt sure how to interpret it. The job is 40 minutes from here in Newquay, party town central, where he is making some friends (well, not really, as he said they were all a bit laddy/chavvy).

Got to go do a bit of screen printing now! Thanks for your replies, so lovely to wake up to you all guys! (ok, I'd rather have woken up to my BF, but you'll do) :-)

[AliSuddenly]

...and I just got a call from Shelterbox.. disaster relief charity 1/2 hour from here, they need help as they have just sent the first plane loads of stuff to Burma and so far as of today they are the only UK aid agency allowed in...which is amazing. They are going to try and charter more planes if their aid does get through, they are waiting to hear..

If you want to donate heres the website http://www.shelterbox.org/

at least you know your money will definetly get to the victims directly.

Heres the BBC announcement.. BBC

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Ali))))))
If it doesn't feel like the right time, maybe it isn't! Remember, you have to really be ready for the answer before you ask the question! Are you really sure?

I'll write more later, probably this afternoon. Night for you!

[Purr]

Ali,

Great to hear you have some new options for work coming through. It's kind of nice because no matter what happens in your R., it is something that you are creating that is uniquely "belonging" to you. Thanks also for your kind words of support on my thread.

Best,

Purr

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Purr, no problem! I feel for you. Yes, fingers crossed on the job!

Jeff.. please do.. I am at college at the mo.. I just checked my email and he STILL hasnt emailed me. Thats it now, he has gone silent (in between driving me home last Monday and seeing me this Monday, all I have had from him is two 10 min phone calls about his Dads house sale, thats all). I'm bitterly disappointed. He is away tommorow. I was hoping he would at least reply to my email of yesterday (about the house). Why is he ignoring me all of a sudden?? I guess hes backed off deliberately.

I'm thinking he may have met someone or have his eye on someone. As he made such an over-explanation of why he'd be back home for extra days, this Monday - Thursday (he's away at the weekend again, in France with mates)..I'm wondering if its someone at home. Even the cougar. I dont think its anyone down here, as he was on his own alot of the weekend (so he says). So, drifting back into NC, its not looking good is his Jeff?

Feel sad and hurt and strangely humiliated.

[MichelleLT]

You cannot read his mind. He may not even know why he has backed off. He may just be going through an anti-social week. Don't jump to conclusions.

Focus on yourself.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

That programming job sounds very cool. You have so many things going for you!

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Ali))))))
Slow down, girl! I don't think he is doing ANYTHING deliberately. I would not be surprised if in his mind he just talked to you! And his trip may be occupying his mind.

I really don't think there is someone else, from what you've written. It just doesn't feel that way to me. Of course it is hard to tell from here, but that's what I think. I think the cougar likes being a cougar. I don't think your BF suits her long term. Don't worry about it!

[AliSuddenly]

Hi there...

Well, no email from him, no phonecall! Jeff, I was thinking too that its time for an R talk, but I can only assume he would say no change, not interested, because he hasnt behaved like a man who wants me back recently. Monday was a wierd one, but maybe he was trying to tell me something, see if I was ok? Other than that, I've had basically two short phonecalls in 2 weeks. I cant believe things have changed so quickly. Its his last evening before he goes away and hes not even called for a chat. I think this says it all really, and I can only assume its over over. I'm sorry to just keep posting saying the same thing but I find it impossible to see this in any positive light and anything other than what it is, not looking good.

I guess I'm in pain and reaching out to people to soothe me, but nothing works. The reality is he has stopped contacting me in the way he was since February and we got back in touch.