Partner left after 9 years - 6 months on

[AliSuddenly]

Tommorow is the last day he could see me (to give me the duvet but also, just to see me) before he goes away for a week. The last time he went away for a week (skiing) he did come over on the Thursday evening, to pick up a suitcase, but he stayed till 11pm, so it felt like he wanted to spend time with me before going away and I made him dinner. I would like to see him.

It will be interesting to see if he emails or calls tomorrow.

Somehow, seeing how things have been lately, I'm not sure he will. I dont know of course and I could be surprised as I was on Monday. I just really miss him and it does feel lately like hes left me all over again, which is daft, but it does.

Where is everyone tonight? I have red hair dye running down my cheeks...!

Ali x

[MichelleLT]

Quit comparing it to before. And quit expecting him to act the same.

No expectations.

Let him surprise you.

[AliSuddenly]

Thanks Michelle. Its so hard to keep going, but then giving up doesnt feel like an option either. I wish I could wake up and not love him anymore, I really do! Do you ever think that?

Ali x

[MichelleLT]

There are a lot of times I think it would have been easier if he had just died. At least I'd have some closure.

[AliSuddenly]

I had people say the same thing to me, including my C. If they die in some ways its easier, everyone rallies round with sympathy, noone expects you to "move on" weeks later (or even 6 months!!) and you do get a finality and dont have to live with the constant uncertainty. Of course, uncertainty is a choice, I choose to keep hope and love alive. If I didnt care anymore, I would view it for what it is - over (unless one day he showed up at my door declaring hes made a terrible mistake).

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Well there is your reason then Ali. Your choice.

You really need to find some way to occupy your brain in your downtime moments.

[AliSuddenly]

I am occupied Jack! I have been working on my dice artwork all evening and dyeing my hair in between posting. I cant "switch off" though mentally. I'm looking forward to him going away, it will give me a rest.

It feels like hes put me through a lot, and yet I was a good partner to him. I supported him through a lot of big life stuff, he even said how grateful he was at the bomb. Its not fair !! *stamps foot* :-)

Talking of turning ones brain off.. I had a thought earlier that I didnt like... he didnt call me all weekend, which was a first, when I asked him what he did Saturday night, he said pottered about and hoovered his car. Later, in his car, we were laughing about it still being messy and I said, and to think you spent Saturday night hoovering!.. he said "I didnt hoover it Saturday night, it was the afternoon!" ...also, when we were together, he kept checking his phone and seemed a bit guilty about this. In all the times I've spent with him since February, he has NEVER checked his phone in my company. I didnt see it for months, it was only recently he started getting it out to show me funny text messages. Also, he was making a big fuss about why he was staying away for longer, he two or three times explained about not wanting to drive home Monday and back up for a meeting Thursday, so was going to stay away all week. He seemed nervous about this, and also, nervous and over explaining when he admitted a friend had bought him a ticket for Glastonbury (I told him a week ago there were still tickets and he pulled a face and said it sounded awful this year).. he two or three times told me that story, how he was so drunk and agreed to go with this guy.. there was something odd about the way he was telling me, he was awkward and over explaining, I can tell when hes not being natural. I wasnt sure how to react, and was a bit tongue tied and he asked me "are you p*ssed off I'm going?", which seemed an odd question (we're not together anymore, you can do what you like!!)

I have a funny feeling about these things combined, I'm wondering if hes met someone...

time will tell ! Hair very dark..looking forward to my mop chop tommorow :-)
Ali x

[lea123]

Hi Ali

I havent got much good advice I'm afraid, only that I sympathise with your situation. I think it comes down to you deciding how long you can carry on like this without it driving you mad!

Perhaps wait and see how you feel when he gets back from being away? What do your stars say??

Lea
xxx

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Lea ! Its already driving me mad! And my stars concur, I have Uranus on my Mercury and I do feel like my head is exploding (see Jack, cant switch off!). I had high hopes months ago astrologically for 9 May.. I have various things going on with my North Node, true destiny.. but he will be away now on the weekend, so I wont see him. I also had hopes for the New Moon as a turning point and I was encouraged he came over and took me out. But.. Purr said it well on his thread, what we interpret as something meaningful so often turns out to not be. He spent time with his W and they got on great, it was comfortable, but there was no intimacy in their interaction. This is the word I should have used for Monday, there was no intimacy, or intimate moments, apart from the hug goodbye..but is that just affection?

My BF conceals stuff though, beyond ridiculously, so its in his nature to not be open and honest about his intentions,he often does things for the wrong reasons too (self confessed people-pleaser and not happy about it). I've been doing ALOT of thinking tonight. I think it could be time to admit defeat...

Thanks for stopping by! Shame we are all in this same leaky boat.

Ali x

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Ali))))))
OK, I have been thinking, a little, anyway. I'm not sure I really like this plan, but maybe it is getting close to time for you to have an R talk. Just to ask him if he ever sees a chance that he would come back. But, think carefully. Do you want to know the answer? Because I don't think he has decided, but if you ask him, and he hasn't decided, he is going to say no. I think if he had really decided he would be looking to cut the financial ties, and he hasn't done that. Do you have the patience to keep going? I think I would give his meds and C a bit more time. But you can call time, whenever you want to!