Minkerman: Never thought I'd make it here!

[minkerman]

Thanks Purr! I appreciate you reading and commenting on my crazy story.

Amazingly, things are going extremely well. It appears that my divorce is busted, and I have my sweetheart back!!

Our motto:
COMPLACENCY IS THE ENEMY!

We are being very conscious of what got us to the point where we had to separate. Complacency and boredom were the big ones.

We are one of those fortunate couples where a separation was needed, to get us back on track with what was important. In the book "Getting Back Together", this is discussed at length.

I am being very aware of what has worked for us, and what hasn't.

I am being attentive, but not smothering.
I am being lighthearted, but not 'forcing' humour into every situation.
I am balancing asking her what she'd like to do, with being decisive myself.
I am not overdoing the "I Love Yous"...I think we're close to 50/50.
I am still playing in the band, which gives her at least a night a week away from me.

She was picking out new accessories and furniture for the apartment over the weekend.

So...I think it's looking good for the future. We're back, baby!

[new_attitude]

Hi minkerman,
I haven't posted to you before, but I just wanted to say "hooray!" Things sound great. I will try to get caught up on all of your old threads, but I was wondering what the difference was this time vs. the last time she came home. Why do you think it didn't work the first time?

[minkerman]

Things are still very good, with a few slight ups & downs. I find that she is sometimes quiet, and I keep assuming she is thinking of "us" in a negative way. I think that is because, although I try really hard, I keep thinking a shoe is about to drop. I know that it is simply a matter of trust and it will take time to come back.

This morning, she slid over to my side of the bed and cuddled up to me, so I put my arm around her. We laid that way for about 20 minutes, and it was so nice.

Then we kissed very nicely for a couple of minutes, which was awesome...initiated by her, BTW.

So, the "good signs" are there, the "bad signs" are few and far between, and things are mostly going well.

It is interesting that she is not wearing her ring, although I suspect it is because it is the only piece of gold jewelry she owns...everything else is silver or white gold. I'm not too fussed about it, I'll wait a few weeks before mentioning. A marathon, not a sprint, remember?? ;-)

[new_attitude]

It is interesting that she is not wearing her ring, although I suspect it is because it is the only piece of gold jewelry she owns...everything else is silver or white gold. I'm not too fussed about it, I'll wait a few weeks before mentioning. A marathon, not a sprint, remember?? ;-)

Hi m,
My h, who has been home for about a month, is also not wearing his ring. It still makes me sad whenever I look for it, but I haven't mentioned it since he first said he wanted to come home. I'm going to wait a bit longer before mentioning it again.

[minkerman]

So, on the drive to work today, I asked her "so, now it's been 3 weeks...how are you doing with moving back home?"

She said, "for the most part, good."

I told her I had noticed a few small signs that she was backing off, like a reduction in the amount of affection compared to 3 weeks ago when she first moved back.

"Hmmm", she said, "I hadn't noticed that, maybe it's subconscious".

She said it could also be that when she first came home, there was disproportionally more affection, and now it's more "normal".

However, she also mentioned that she struggles with wondering if we are just really good friends, or if we actually are a couple. She said we need to give it time, that we can't force it.

It was a long weekend where I live, and she said to me multiple times over the weekend, what a nice time she was having, just hanging out together. We sat in the sun, went out for a few lunches and dinners, went shopping, and just generally had a blast.

Comments? Thoughts?

[transformer]

MM,

Your sitch is so far ahead of my sitch that I hesitate to say anything. But I think it's really positive that you're communicating about all this stuff. are you afraid that "normal" is going back to where things were before? It makes sense to me that the honeymoon of reconciliation would change a little bit after a few weeks, but I don't think that means anything is wrong. I am wondering if you could ask her what would make her feel more like you were a couple, and then act on her observations.

One thing that helps me, is to focus on the moments of connection as opposed to the official definied status of the "relationship". So if you feel like you guys really are connecting (and it sounds to me like you are--esp if she keeps telling you she is having fun just spending time together--THAT IS HUGE) then whether or not you are a "couple" is not so important.

It seems like there is some sort of balance to be struck between being complacent and being over-attentive to every single fluctuation in her attention/enthusiasm for the R. What do you think that balance is?

I'm sure I'm just telling you stuff you already know!! I am sure those who are already piecing will have much better things to say!!! Please feel free to ignore everything I'm saying!!!

(((((((MM))))))))
you are a true inspiration!
TRANSFORMER

[cw68]

Don't you have to be really good friends to be a couple? I don't remember the beginning of your sitch, but would it be safe to say that you guys weren't really good friends for a few years? Not that you had to dislike each other, but you obviously drifted away from each other. I see the good friends as the necessary path to couple-dom. You build that really strong foundation before you become a couple.

[Purr]

Hi Mink,

Sounds to me like this is par for the course. I think you are both readjusting to things and gradually transitioning out of the honeymoon phase. That's normal from everything I've heard and read. She sounds like overall she is feeling quite grounded and stable in the big picture--certainly more so than before.

I think it's good that you guys are able to talk about it all as well. I like T's suggestion that you might check with her at some point about her ideas of being a couple vs. being friends.

It seems like there is this thing that occurs in many of the sitches I read about here--about the whole "platonic I love you" vs. "love I love you" issue. I'm not sure but it seems like it is connected with ideas of passion, lust--if those are missing or not front and center, it's almost like it begins being thought of as "friendship". I don't get it, but I'm not a WAS.

Sounds like it's moving well, MM, and you're doing great. Keep going!

Purr

[minkerman]

Well, we had quite an interesting evening last night.

Turns out that my comments really bothered her, all day. She considers herself a very affectionate person, and it bothers her tha she is not 'naturally' being affectionate with me.

We talked about it at length, and came to the conclusion that we just need to give things more time, and we need to be aware of what we are feeling, and be willing to talk about it.

She wonders if she moved home too soon...I don't think that's the case, and I can't tell her what she should think, so I just need to do all I can to be there for her, and to be good to myself.

Reconciliation has its ups and downs...I guess this was a "down".

We did watch TV with her cuddled into my lap, and it was really nice, and she did stroke my arms and such, so I think we'll be OK...a bump in the road.

It sure did feel scary when we were talking about it. I was short of breath and feeling a bit stressed.

But it all ended up mostly OK.

[cw68]

Do you know of the dialogging technique?