"The positive here is that I think you are beginning to see that it was NOT just the nightly partying together that made things good between you. You are now seeing positives in other areas as well - working around the house, visiting with friends, etc".
These points I still have a problem with. Yes, the nights out on the town are not as often, but I still feel there is too much alcohol and partying involved. Even the barbecue with friends was a "party" where we both over did it a bit. We will end a day at home together with some cocktails, or have a few drinks in the evening to relax....we both still have a tendency to over do it and even joke about who is the "bad influence" on the other.
I go back and forth with this all the time in regards to how she feels. I have been with her long enough to know that she is not doing, or saying anything she does not want to because of the drinking....but we all know what can happen when alcohol is involved...even with married adults.
Sometimes I feel a little distance that just melts away after a few drinks. I know I sometimes look forward to these times because they are so....uninhibited??? Like I said, I have struggled with this, and it probably has more to do with me being afraid to face the real issues than her, maybe not.
There are still some things being accomplished that need to be, but sometimes they can be put off for a day or evening of "fun"...and at this point, I still don't quite know which is more important. I know they both are important parts of this process, especially given that we went so long not doing much...it's just seems that neither one of is very good at dividing the time equally.
I want to be the one to say "enough" and surprise her with something that she has been waiting to see get done....but then I am the one to ask about a nice dinner out, or a show....or make dinner for her at home and buy a bottle of wine.....and as with so much this last couple of months...she always just goes along with whatever I bring up.
"The things you share about your wife - these are not the actions of a woman who is intent upon moving on without you. And I say this with just a twinge of fear because if you ever begin thinking that you've won her back again, you may be tempted to slip back into the old NDS".
AHHH....and she reels me back into reality just so "I don't get my hopes up".
Last night in chatting about the previous evening with friends and the barbecue, there was a discussion about a certain female there who was paying me just a little too much attention.
Was my wife jealous? Maybe, but she didn't let on. She just wanted to let me know that "For future reference, she may not be some one I would want to get involved with"..!!! Guess she would not approve of her as someone she would like to see me with when I am not with her any more....nice shot...thank you!!
Oh, thanks. That is EXACTLY what I was and have been thinking about as I have gone through this with you the last couple of months...I am trying to pick out the perfect replacement....no, I did not say that out loud.
I brushed it off and said thanks for thinking about me...laughed about it a little and tried not to feel hurt.....and how did the evening go after that?...the usual...we finished dinner...chatted over drinks, played a game and ended up having a crazy, intimate time together. Guess she is just trying to get as much as she can until she finds the right girl for me to replace her.
"The thing that stands out to me every time I read about one of your evenings or activities is that your wife must feel like she has died and gone to heaven.
I swear I can actually FEEL her joy in the way you describe your interactions together".
Maybe that's me making it sound like that?
I swear I feel it sometimes, too....than....read above....bam, right in the back of the head.
Last night in chatting about the previous evening with friends and the barbecue, there was a discussion about a certain female there who was paying me just a little too much attention.
Was my wife jealous? Maybe, but she didn't let on. She just wanted to let me know that "For future reference, she may not be some one I would want to get involved with"..!!! Guess she would not approve of her as someone she would like to see me with when I am not with her any more....nice shot...thank you!!
This probably goes against my past advice...
My response to this comment from her would have been immediate, firm, and sincere...
"I'm not looking for a future partner. I've already found the woman that I plan to spend the rest of my life with."
And then done. No further comment. In fact, I probably would have stood up and left the room before she could say anything.
You have to pick your spots. Be the alpha male.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
"The things you share about your wife - these are not the actions of a woman who is intent upon moving on without you. And I say this with just a twinge of fear because if you ever begin thinking that you've won her back again, you may be tempted to slip back into the old NDS".
AHHH....and she reels me back into reality just so "I don't get my hopes up".
Last night in chatting about the previous evening with friends and the barbecue, there was a discussion about a certain female there who was paying me just a little too much attention.
Was my wife jealous? Maybe, but she didn't let on. She just wanted to let me know that "For future reference, she may not be some one I would want to get involved with"..!!! Guess she would not approve of her as someone she would like to see me with when I am not with her any more....nice shot...thank you!!
Oh, thanks. That is EXACTLY what I was and have been thinking about as I have gone through this with you the last couple of months...I am trying to pick out the perfect replacement....no, I did not say that out loud.
I brushed it off and said thanks for thinking about me...laughed about it a little and tried not to feel hurt.....and how did the evening go after that?...the usual...we finished dinner...chatted over drinks, played a game and ended up having a crazy, intimate time together. Guess she is just trying to get as much as she can until she finds the right girl for me to replace her.
See how far I've come....I am joking about now..
I would've laughed and said "Gee, thanks, (wife), I'll make sure I get your approval on anyone I want to date in the future, yeah, sure. Actually, I'm very content with a certain particular woman right now anyway," and given her a little squeeze.
My response to this comment from her would have been immediate, firm, and sincere...
"I'm not looking for a future partner. I've already found the woman that I plan to spend the rest of my life with."
Yup, I was going to blame you anyway.
Seriously...that was what I was thinking, but I still go back and forth in my head picking the moments to let her know how truly committed I am in this. I know the actions are there, but not being able to talk about the relationship, or a future together negates most conversation about HOW I FEEL about her in all of this. I wonder how sometimes, other than my actions, how to let her know I am PLANNING to spend my life with her.
Having been the "alpha male" in this marriage for so long, most times with disastrous results, I think sometimes I walk a fine line.
The response you suggested makes me feel now like it was missed opportunity to make a statement, even if it was a subliminal one. Have to pay more attention next time.
I would've laughed and said "Gee, thanks, (wife), I'll make sure I get your approval on anyone I want to date in the future, yeah, sure. Actually, I'm very content with a certain particular woman right now anyway," and given her a little squeeze.
Puppy
and another good one....missed opportunity, or fear of rejection? I'm not sure, right now.
Last night in chatting about the previous evening with friends and the barbecue, there was a discussion about a certain female there who was paying me just a little too much attention.
Was my wife jealous? Maybe, but she didn't let on. She just wanted to let me know that "For future reference, she may not be some one I would want to get involved with"..!!! Guess she would not approve of her as someone she would like to see me with when I am not with her any more....nice shot...thank you!!
This probably goes against my past advice...
My response to this comment from her would have been immediate, firm, and sincere...
"I'm not looking for a future partner. I've already found the woman that I plan to spend the rest of my life with."
And then done. No further comment. In fact, I probably would have stood up and left the room before she could say anything.
You have to pick your spots. Be the alpha male.
Bill
Bill,
Looks like we cross-posted. I like yours even better!
Alpha male is not caveman. It's not selfish and dictatorial.
Alpha male just cuts through the bs to speak the truth in love.
I hope we haven't scared you so badly that you are refraining from speaking the truth in love to your wife.
Only YOU know when those moments are right.
And.....a big AND....you have to be prepared for ANY response...and NOT go through an on the site meltdown.
So tread carefully.
bill
I don't know if you guys have scared me, or if I have been slightly confused about that from the start.
That is what I mean about being able to voice things, rather than show her by my actions. I know the actions are important, but something like you both suggested probably would not have crossed my mind for the reasons I mentioned, fear of rejection, her thinking of it as pressure, etc.
The last time we had a serious talk about me not getting my hopes up, I let her know that I will support her decision, but that it was the last thing I wanted to see happen. I did not tell her that I was "fighting" for the relationship or that I was, or would do anything to stop her, or change her mind....wrong??
These last couple of months I fight each day not to say "I love you", or "I missed you today", and wonder sometimes, is she waiting to hear it? Does she want to say it?
Does she truly believe I have accepted that we are working towards a separation and ultimately, a divorce? How would that affect her thinking in all of this?
Alpha male just cuts through the bs to speak the truth in love.
I have to confess, I really don't know what you mean by that.
