I don’t post on DB as much as 4060 – I started reading here but started posting at 4060 and like many here, I read on the other posts but post primarily on my “Home Base”.
Short story: 2001 ExW – M 14.5 years, at 35 text book MLC – sahm to biker trash, new: cloths, body piercing, tattoos, etc. Brought PA into our house while D’s were home – she was gone within 2 days (I told her she could stay, but her cloths would look really bad after sitting in the front yard and the sprinklers ran a few times).
2 weeks later started D paperwork – she had to get D’d, she found the true love of her life and she had to be free………..…..barf!!! She left area with PA 30 days later – moved 8 hours away so he could go to school and be a motorcycle mechanic. 3 D’s 15/13/7 (then) – I was given full custody through the D, all she wanted was her inheritance – approx. $60K cash (go figure). ExW has since (2003) married PA (after she found out I remarried – D’s said she was ticked off) – but I think is still in the land of the lost (or biker trash is who she will remain).
Met W, both of us had filed for D’s – both of our spouses had PA’s. I was retiring AF, W still active duty - she had an assignment, so I moved. The base was closer to exW – kids could see her if she wanted, friends that I knew were in the area of that base and looked like better job prospects. W moved in with her Grandmother, 3 D’s and me rented a house – 1.5 years later, we got married and W moved in with me and 3 D’s (16, 14, 8 at the time).
Some where in late 2003 or early 2004 I slid into a mid-life transition.
W – late 04/early 05, starts into mild MLC – did not move out, moved to another room. No OP but marital relationship stopped. Nov. 04 – W’s Grandmother passes, Dec. 04 we discover her fathers left leg has veins collapsing. W had to sign for his 2nd leg to be removed (she is responsible for all of his medical, financial and living decisions – major head trauma, major strokes and dementia).
W’s melt down (Aug 05) while away at a military school, out of state woke me up from where I was. I hit the M and R books – no idea what was going on, but knew something was way off kilter.
Like many of you – I felt like my whole world had been ripped apart and destroyed – the only ground left intact was the tiny pebble under my big toe – everything else was gone. Slowly as the shock subsided – I began to see that there was more of my world left then I thought. I turned to God and leaned hard on him and his word.
I began the process of slowly GAL, spending time with D11 (at the time – now 12), giving W time and space – within the boundaries of the M, and I continued to move closer to God.
I was a long and difficult journey – but I have grown and found myself. I was not the perfect H or Father b/4 this – I’m still not, but I’m better at both. I spend many nights crying and asking God – Why? I found depression and despair – but I found the strength through God to hold on – for just one more day, then one more day, and one more day.
My W’s MLC has ended and or M is better then before, but like any good M – needs lots of love and work to keep growing. The issues that needed to be dealt with before this started (we were still in honeymoon stage and getting to know each other when this all started) – are still there, but we can talk openly about them now.
Do I ever want to go through this again? NO. Do I want to suffer through MLC like I watched my Wife suffer? NO.
It’s hard for many to see now – but:
Was it worth it? Yes
This has been a turning point to a better M. In 25 years will either of us will remember much about this time? Because in 50 years neither of us will remember much of anything.
Can I ask a favour, and ask you to describe your wifes awakening.
Like you, my wife is still at home, and she is definately getting more firendly, and co-parenting has started again.
The urge to run appears to have stopped, the gym subscription has been cancelled, the spending on clothes has slowed up, together with replay activities.
I just wanted to say "hey." Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you hung in there and were able to get a second chance. I also wanted to thank you for posting to me on the other board. My M was all but over when I posted but I appreciated your positive and insightful comments.
My W’s entire MLC was odd. Everything was on a straight and simple – but very slooooooooow forward moving train. I didn’t really even see cycling.
I quit looking at the 6 steps – because I could never get them to fit with what I was seeing. I think that has to do with 2 factors: #1 Women’s MLC’s can be different then Men’s. Most Men are running from their feminine side (remember Newman’s Mugwump’s post? – you should link to or post that over here also) and Most Women are trying to find independence. Some Women do have male MLC’s (I suspect it’s the Alpha personalities) and some (those who have been in the work force for years) have a combination of both – Like my W’s.
#2 I also think the 6 steps apply more to those who have affairs – that is most, but not all MLC’ers. It does appear that Women are less likely to have affairs as Men – at least from those who post on the MLC boards that I talk to.
Denial - was probably taking place under my nose (possibly 6 months) . Anger/Replay - my W had very little or a very short replay (most of it was the Month she was at school) 2.5 months. Depression – was there from Denial to finish, and still shows some signs. Withdrawal from outside friends and family was 8 - 10 months long. Acceptance/Reconnection is blurry. Reconnection with kitchen (her passion/creativity – baking) Nov, cats – Nov (odd shes a Dog person), D12/21 Dec – Jan (D12 was the only one getting hugs), Dogs – Feb, Me – Apr – Sept. .
There was no single awakening. It was more like the reconnection process continued to build: If you haven’t read this already: OnHoldAZ post on 4060 We slept in the same bed in a friend’s motor home – several weekends in California in May and June, but still not at home. On one trip with just me and W – D12 (D21 stayed with her in AZ) moved her bedroom down the hall to the spare bedroom, W moved her “bedroom” to D12’s old bedroom – W tried sleeping in the big bed again. W decided her “bedroom” would now be an office and slowly started moving her stuff back into the bedroom.
June - Aug – W was starting deeper R talks and about talking about her past. We sloooooooowly continued to connect emotionally and spiritually (both of us grew closer in our R’s with God), then it moved to a physical connection. From foot and leg rubs to finally hugs, then a kiss, ………………Sept., a French kiss, then she initiated a hug, then we ML.
P4M told me once – 90% of the time to get 10% of the results, then the last 10% of the time to get the other 90% of the results – he was right.
IMHO “awakenings” as described in the 6 steps – applies far more to those who leave for OP’s.
This has been a turning point to a better M. In 25 years will either of us will remember much about this time? Because in 50 years neither of us will remember much of anything.
LOL - no - I haven't read your thread in a long time.
The last base W and I were at – my last Squadron commander had been her section commander (kind of an assistant Sq. Comm.). Both units were 500 – 700 people, the Sq. Comm. Did not know my W personally.
I had a very good R with my Sq. Comm. – she was like an older Sister to me, we went to lunch a couple of times and just talked about our careers, lives and the USAF. If I had not been enlisted – we probably could have been even better friends. My Sq. Comm. was the presiding official for my retirement – she knew what I had gone through with exW, and that I had met someone.
I introduced my W (just dating back then) to my Sq. Comm. – she looked at my W and said “I remember you. You’re the cheesecake lady”
At my W’s current base – she is once again known as “The Cheesecake Lady” When people retire out of her section (over 200 people in several different physical locations on the base), or retire that were in her section – they call and ask if she will make them a cheese cake for their retirement.
This has been a turning point to a better M. In 25 years will either of us will remember much about this time? Because in 50 years neither of us will remember much of anything.
Smurf - not sure if that link will work for people who are not registered at 4060.
My W's Mother called her Saturday - she has breast cancer. So my W is trying to get time off starting Sunday to go visit her for a week (other issues here that have to be taken care of like Dr. appts for her Father, etc). 2 months ago - I would have been told what was happening; now my W comes to me and allows me to hold her and comfort her. Last night she came to me for a hug - just because she needed one
There are continually deepening connections growing – not things that I can put in words, it’s kind of like falling in love – sometimes the best description is just “Wow”. And this last week, despite all the ups and downs of our overly complicated lives, has been – Wow.
Do I wonder if God had anything to do with the timing in our lives, that we would grow and build a stronger R & M - so that we could face the challenges that are to come and share in the wonder of his creation together?.................NO....................................................I know he did.
Last night I taught 2 Corinthians 5 (I was in awe studying this Chapter), verse 1 is For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. If we die - we know where we are going, there are no questions - no if's, and's, but's, or or's. I think it's a wonderful thought to start the day with.
This has been a turning point to a better M. In 25 years will either of us will remember much about this time? Because in 50 years neither of us will remember much of anything.
It is good to read that even though there are obstacles thrown in your path, the reconnection is still continueing. The pressure onm your wife must be tremendous, all credit to her for not falling back into a depression.
Sometimes it scares me - it's almost too easy (she was always very introspective - which I think shortened this whole process). She sent me a letter for input today (reply to her boss) then we talked about refi on a house and renting it verses selling it (the market is so flat right now) - how much equity to take out and what to do with some of it.
With no A - it's almost like the 1.5 years were just some very rocky times that we have moved past. I have talked to others - but all had A's involved - most have had a rough time of rebuilding (flashbacks to spouses OP and trust issues), but keep plugging away at their own sitch.
Anyone else who comes through this together - please post from time to time. I know I looked for success stories to keep my hopes up when this 1st started.
This has been a turning point to a better M. In 25 years will either of us will remember much about this time? Because in 50 years neither of us will remember much of anything.
