My H knows that I talk to my sister and mom about our M- that they know about his A. I have gotten a tremendous amount of support from them although my H used to be uncomfortable around them. Outside my family and 2 counsellors, no one else knows of my H's A. I didn't bother to tell anyone in his family because I knew they wouldn't be able to help much. I would rather not have to do damage control should things get better between us.
When I first found about about my H's A we agreed not to tell anyone else, only to tell them that we were having some problems. we thought that this would make it easier if we managed to work things out.
This became difficult as both our mothers (whom we talked to) were very concered and started asking questions because they were trying to help. In the end I wanted my H to tell his mother what was going on because she seemed to have the idea that I had been unfaithful!
I have resisted talking to family about our sitch. as many of them are separated or divorced and are quite bitter about there own sitch. I know that my H talks to his mother still and I am concerned at the advise I THINK she will be giving him as by her own admission she has been in an unhappy marriage for years but is unable to manage on her own (health reasons). She is also a selfish person would seems to think along the lines of "make yourself happy at anybody elses expense.
Definately better not to get into battles with each others families over your sitch. as then there is no bad feeling to repair if things work out. Also if you have children then you need to have a reasonable relationship with the grandparents for their sake.
JJ This is the main problem that complicates our sicth: family and friends who want to help. My WAW is living with a friend who advises her on what to do. She has gone to the extrems with her decisions. My family wants to interfere in my sicth despite of my reluctance to let them in. Because I know the more families and friends will be involved the more it could be difficult for my W and I to get back together. What we have to do against so much pressure from families and friends? Should we avoid them or should we be straight-forward by telling them not to get involved in our sicth?
JJ - MAJOR damage control needed in my sitch - FOR SURE!
I talked to my family. I told them all the details and they were all very supportive. Not a one took my side, just said they were sorry I was hurting, and that H was a good man and that whatever happened, they wished for my happiness.
H's family, on the flip side, offered him all the money he needed to take me to the cleaners in court. Told him "you should never have married her, too many issues".
I told H last night that I shudder to think what was said about me. All H could say was "well, they say bad things about me all the time, too... that's what I have to deal with."
So, it makes me want to puke, thinking of what they'd say about me at the first sign of trouble... good God, what are these ppl thinking! How am I supposed to look them in the eye with any semblance of respect?
OUCH!!!!
Makes me mad...
But, as usual, I'll bite the bullet, call and thank them for the gifts they send the kids... build my walls just a little bit higher, except for with FIL, who is the only one that seemed to understand where I might be coming from.
Ugh...
oh well, I didn't marry H for his inlaws, now did I?
oh well, I didn't marry H for his inlaws, now did I?
Ugh! What a terrible thought!!
The first time my FIL met me, he wanted to shave my head with sheep-shears!!
A couple of years later, he "delegated" the duty to me of wearing the Easter Bunny outfit at the family Easter breakfast.
I can't tell you how pissed-off I was at the time. I just KNEW he did it to embarrase me. I was either going to have to wear the costume, or kick his ass in front of the whole family!
Well, I ended up wearing the costume, and was the most memorable Easter Bunny the kids have ever seen!! They all loved "my bunny" better than they ever loved him!
The moral of this story? Not quite sure! Maybe just "screw'em if they can't take a joke"!
Maybe just smile, shrug it off, and eventually the joke will be on them!
How am I supposed to look them in the eye with any semblance of respect?
You have respect for yourself, my dear, and integrity, That's what counts. Someday, they may envy you for that.
If not, then that's their loss.
JJ
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Saw this and felt compelled to post. When thing first happened a year ago the first thing my wife did was tell her family and friends and did not even give us a chance to work through it. She has been getting nothing but advice to divorce me now from these friends (which at on time were mine as well). This makes it very hard now for my wife to change and I can see the guilt in her eyes because she knows the reason she will not me back into her life is because she would lose face in front of friends and family.
This is a real shame because it is not only going to hurt financially but hurt my kids as well. It is a shame when and makes you feel unimportant that these peoples thoughts are valued greater then someone you spent 14 years with.
I have learned a valuable lesson through this that you do not share your relationship with others outside of your marriage. It does no good and is a broken trust of fidelity when you do so. This will be something that will be clear and known before I make another commitment. I will not be but through the lies and broken promises again and will guard myself against it. When a person uses another person as a crutch to vent their frustrations whether true or only thought to be true I think it is wrong. It is slander and does hurt your ability to ever deal with these people in the future. To have this done to you with no chance of defending yourself is another thing I think is wrong…when people only hear one side of the story.
Well that is enough of my rant and I do believe this is the reason I will be divorcing my wife.
first of all... jj... that's really funny, though I would've prefered to see you kick your fil's butt...
(maybe it's the green letters you have for your name, but your posts always come with incredible LACK of drama! you are so at ease and SO positive, thanks) so, anyway... their loss indeed
and vjm, I hear what you're saying... I have this terrible sinking feeling that they're ALL talking BAD about me, and that's horrible. I want to call 'em all out and give em the gory details of my side of the story
in doing that, though... i further demean myself. I'm not gonna D my H because his family has *opinions* about me. They've always had opinions about me. What I'd really like to do with this crisis-turned-opportunity is to maybe deepen my R with my In-Laws, that is once trust is re-established. At least a little trust, right?
You said your W wont come back for fear of losing face, and that you'll D her for causing you to lose face??? Is that what you're saying? I just wonder what good all that pride does anyone (for myself included)???
You said you can see the guilt in her eyes, have you in anyway let her know it's okay? No, it seems you haven't because you're still mad about it.
Also, one other thing your thoughts inspired in me is this thing about "sharing" your relationship. I'd like to imagine what would have been different had I "shared" my relationship with his parents, my parents, him... when all those negative feelings were just little harmless things.
I might have been much more compelled to FIX the things wrong with me, and maybe H would've FIXED the things wrong with him. However, we did not. We glossed over everything with everyone. Our fear of being real... Friggin unconscious, at best...
Quoting charcoal: first of all... jj... that's really funny, though I would've prefered to see you kick your fil's butt...
Well, my friend, by the time I came out from under the ether about what was going on, I already had the bunny suit on, and I figured it might scar the little ones for life if they saw the Easter Bunny "thumpering" on somebody!!
(maybe it's the green letters you have for your name, but your posts always come with incredible LACK of drama! you are so at ease and SO positive, thanks)
With everything that's happened over the past 3 or 4 years in my life, I'm pretty much "drama'ed out"! You should see my posts from when I first got here! Things were just a little bit different back then!
There IS peace and positivity down the road for most everyone here. Just usually takes a lot of time, patience, tears, and hard work (and maybe "smart work", too?!), to get there.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
