My H knows that I talk to my sister and mom about our M- that they know about his A. I have gotten a tremendous amount of support from them although my H used to be uncomfortable around them. Outside my family and 2 counsellors, no one else knows of my H's A. I didn't bother to tell anyone in his family because I knew they wouldn't be able to help much. I would rather not have to do damage control should things get better between us.
When I first found about about my H's A we agreed not to tell anyone else, only to tell them that we were having some problems. we thought that this would make it easier if we managed to work things out.
This became difficult as both our mothers (whom we talked to) were very concered and started asking questions because they were trying to help. In the end I wanted my H to tell his mother what was going on because she seemed to have the idea that I had been unfaithful!
I have resisted talking to family about our sitch. as many of them are separated or divorced and are quite bitter about there own sitch. I know that my H talks to his mother still and I am concerned at the advise I THINK she will be giving him as by her own admission she has been in an unhappy marriage for years but is unable to manage on her own (health reasons). She is also a selfish person would seems to think along the lines of "make yourself happy at anybody elses expense.
Definately better not to get into battles with each others families over your sitch. as then there is no bad feeling to repair if things work out. Also if you have children then you need to have a reasonable relationship with the grandparents for their sake.
JJ This is the main problem that complicates our sicth: family and friends who want to help. My WAW is living with a friend who advises her on what to do. She has gone to the extrems with her decisions. My family wants to interfere in my sicth despite of my reluctance to let them in. Because I know the more families and friends will be involved the more it could be difficult for my W and I to get back together. What we have to do against so much pressure from families and friends? Should we avoid them or should we be straight-forward by telling them not to get involved in our sicth?
JJ - MAJOR damage control needed in my sitch - FOR SURE!
I talked to my family. I told them all the details and they were all very supportive. Not a one took my side, just said they were sorry I was hurting, and that H was a good man and that whatever happened, they wished for my happiness.
H's family, on the flip side, offered him all the money he needed to take me to the cleaners in court. Told him "you should never have married her, too many issues".
I told H last night that I shudder to think what was said about me. All H could say was "well, they say bad things about me all the time, too... that's what I have to deal with."
So, it makes me want to puke, thinking of what they'd say about me at the first sign of trouble... good God, what are these ppl thinking! How am I supposed to look them in the eye with any semblance of respect?
OUCH!!!!
Makes me mad...
But, as usual, I'll bite the bullet, call and thank them for the gifts they send the kids... build my walls just a little bit higher, except for with FIL, who is the only one that seemed to understand where I might be coming from.
Ugh...
oh well, I didn't marry H for his inlaws, now did I?
oh well, I didn't marry H for his inlaws, now did I?
Ugh! What a terrible thought!!
The first time my FIL met me, he wanted to shave my head with sheep-shears!!
A couple of years later, he "delegated" the duty to me of wearing the Easter Bunny outfit at the family Easter breakfast.
I can't tell you how pissed-off I was at the time. I just KNEW he did it to embarrase me. I was either going to have to wear the costume, or kick his ass in front of the whole family!
Well, I ended up wearing the costume, and was the most memorable Easter Bunny the kids have ever seen!! They all loved "my bunny" better than they ever loved him!
The moral of this story? Not quite sure! Maybe just "screw'em if they can't take a joke"!
Maybe just smile, shrug it off, and eventually the joke will be on them!
How am I supposed to look them in the eye with any semblance of respect?
You have respect for yourself, my dear, and integrity, That's what counts. Someday, they may envy you for that.
If not, then that's their loss.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Saw this and felt compelled to post. When thing first happened a year ago the first thing my wife did was tell her family and friends and did not even give us a chance to work through it. She has been getting nothing but advice to divorce me now from these friends (which at on time were mine as well). This makes it very hard now for my wife to change and I can see the guilt in her eyes because she knows the reason she will not me back into her life is because she would lose face in front of friends and family.
This is a real shame because it is not only going to hurt financially but hurt my kids as well. It is a shame when and makes you feel unimportant that these peoples thoughts are valued greater then someone you spent 14 years with.
I have learned a valuable lesson through this that you do not share your relationship with others outside of your marriage. It does no good and is a broken trust of fidelity when you do so. This will be something that will be clear and known before I make another commitment. I will not be but through the lies and broken promises again and will guard myself against it. When a person uses another person as a crutch to vent their frustrations whether true or only thought to be true I think it is wrong. It is slander and does hurt your ability to ever deal with these people in the future. To have this done to you with no chance of defending yourself is another thing I think is wrong…when people only hear one side of the story.
Well that is enough of my rant and I do believe this is the reason I will be divorcing my wife.
first of all... jj... that's really funny, though I would've prefered to see you kick your fil's butt...
(maybe it's the green letters you have for your name, but your posts always come with incredible LACK of drama! you are so at ease and SO positive, thanks) so, anyway... their loss indeed
and vjm, I hear what you're saying... I have this terrible sinking feeling that they're ALL talking BAD about me, and that's horrible. I want to call 'em all out and give em the gory details of my side of the story
in doing that, though... i further demean myself. I'm not gonna D my H because his family has *opinions* about me. They've always had opinions about me. What I'd really like to do with this crisis-turned-opportunity is to maybe deepen my R with my In-Laws, that is once trust is re-established. At least a little trust, right?
You said your W wont come back for fear of losing face, and that you'll D her for causing you to lose face??? Is that what you're saying? I just wonder what good all that pride does anyone (for myself included)???
You said you can see the guilt in her eyes, have you in anyway let her know it's okay? No, it seems you haven't because you're still mad about it.
Also, one other thing your thoughts inspired in me is this thing about "sharing" your relationship. I'd like to imagine what would have been different had I "shared" my relationship with his parents, my parents, him... when all those negative feelings were just little harmless things.
I might have been much more compelled to FIX the things wrong with me, and maybe H would've FIXED the things wrong with him. However, we did not. We glossed over everything with everyone. Our fear of being real... Friggin unconscious, at best...
Quoting charcoal: first of all... jj... that's really funny, though I would've prefered to see you kick your fil's butt...
Well, my friend, by the time I came out from under the ether about what was going on, I already had the bunny suit on, and I figured it might scar the little ones for life if they saw the Easter Bunny "thumpering" on somebody!!
(maybe it's the green letters you have for your name, but your posts always come with incredible LACK of drama! you are so at ease and SO positive, thanks)
With everything that's happened over the past 3 or 4 years in my life, I'm pretty much "drama'ed out"! You should see my posts from when I first got here! Things were just a little bit different back then!
There IS peace and positivity down the road for most everyone here. Just usually takes a lot of time, patience, tears, and hard work (and maybe "smart work", too?!), to get there.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
How many of us have family and friends that are "pro-marriage", and that can give us the same kind of support that we get from the folks on this board?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quoting Jamesjohn: Are some of the people "nearest and dearest" to you part of the problem?" Yes
What happens when you share your unhappiness with your loved ones? Do they support you with no question? Do they take your side no matter what?" I end up wishing that i had keep it to my self. Some do not take my side. Some do.
Do they listen to you objectively, without taking sides, and just try to ease your pain? I have one friend that does. Some only take their side, what they think I should do.
Do you ever set them up to take sides? Yes, I try not to do that anymore. I want them to support me by encourageing me to save my marriage.
Do they ever hit you with a "2x4" to try to slap you back into reality when they don't agree with you? If they do, how do you react to them? I have a couple of friends that hit me with a 2x4. I cry. And distance myself from them after that.
What kind of "damage control" are you going to have to do when/if you and your partner get back together?" Are you talking about the friends and relatives? I will just tell them that we have decided to save your marriage and they either have to except it. Or I am moving on without them. I will not let friends and family come between us again. Any advice?
It's really tough to find someone to support you through this without them being judgemental. It sounds like you have one friend that does, which is great. Also, you have thousands of friends here to listen to you, and help you along the way!!
It's really hard to predict what a person would do until they are actually in this situation. Many of the people who may tell you to cut your losses and run might see a different side of the story of they were in your shoes.
Keep in mind that a lot of these people really are "well-meaning", and hate to see you go through the pain. You don't have to avoid these people, maybe just avoid talking to them about your R. Like you said, you can just thank them for their input, and tell them that you have decided to work on saving your marriage, plain and simple. That if they would really like to help, maybe they can invite you to dinner, watch the kids, mow your lawn, paint your house, etc. Nine times out of ten, that will send them running!! If not, you'll start to be able to see who your true friends are.
I say to keep working on your M, and get your support from the people who can understand your determination. Who knows, you may one day be an inspiration to those same people if they ever find themselves in the same situation!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Wow! I'm printing your post! I'm inspired! I've done a lot of posting hope I hear more of your input Yes,I hope to be in the place where I can help others here. It must be a wonderful feeling seeing those you help, make it to the success stories! I want to be one of them. It is my goal. Thanks, Deb
Well, I need support right now. I made a mistake and went to see a friend this afternoon. My afternoon was a nightmare! Went to visit with an old friend. One thing I found out is that H OW is hated in the deer hunting place. All the guys want to kill her. I think they are working on getting her as. kicked out during deer hunting season. And H will be banded from fishing in a pond if he trys to take OW there. She is unwanted!NO one I have talked to likes her, hate is closer to it. But, the friend of mine tried to pound it into me to move on, not stay with H. I ended up crying my head off and I'm in the deepest depression ever, maybe I'm wrong; no hope, bleak. I'm tired of hearing that life can be better, I was even told to move far away. That H made his choice a long time ago;OW. I don't know what I want at this minute. Maybe H is being nice to get what he wants...just like she said. She said he deserves what he gets. That he is not the same man I loved and that I should think of that paerson as dead. Maybe this DB and DR is a bunch of bull. That we should all move on. Guess I made a mistake; I should of stayed home! My heart is in my stomach and i feel pretty hopeless, I don't want to move on unless H comes out and says he never wants to make M work. What's the use, that's probably why I didn't want to tell H that I wanted our M to work, I knew that when he answered it whould be the end forever. So right now I will wallow in my misery. When there is no hope, there is no reason for living a happy life.
Sounds pretty down, yes it is, this friend was not encouraging at all. Move on, move out. I need someone to tell me to try and save this M. I'm falling down the black hole of he.. Please send a floaty, a rope. Better yet, I'd like someone to send me the dreams of a brighter future that I just left behind and will probably never have. Help! I'm falling...
Remember what YOU want, not what your well meaning friends and family "think" is best. If you believe what is best for you is your H...then fight the good fight. Don't listen to the opinions of others. THEY have NO IDEA what you are going through. I believe NO ONE has the right to push their opinions on you since they don't know the feelings in you.
There will be a day when things are all rosey. There will be days when they aren't. On the bad days we have to remember that God is with us. Prayer will definately help you.
Keep your chin up. And fight for what you believe! WE ARE ALL HERE supporting you and your decisions - whatever they may be.
What about these well meaning friends who medel into your affiars and create more trouble, Can you take legal action cuz they create more trouble then they are worth?
I made the mistake of "bleeding emotionally" to a lot of my friends and most of my family. Some have been supportive of me wanting to save M but most are telling me to move on and find someone new.
Unfortunatley W now feels that I've "poisoned" these people against her. This may be another road block in our recovery. Even though my family have all said that they want us to get back together - I can't help to feel that they will be harboring some ill will toward W if we ever do reconcile.
I think that what really gets to the W about all of this is that for all of our 16yrs of marriage I've always said our problems were our problems- they stay under our roof and we fix them. It's no one else's business what our business is. But when she dropped the bomb on me I was reeling so hard the I "bled" all over the place and tried to find emotional support from friends and family. I realize now - although maybe too late- that I shouldn't have done that. I should have tried to carry the burden a little better and weathered the storm the best I could by myself and use the counselor to vent. I can't take back what I've done or said to these people and I'll have to live with that.I just hope that one day W will forgive me for airing our dirty laundry and allow me back in her life.
I am really sorry you feel that way, if you can't "bleed" to your family than who can you to?? I did the same, my H is upset about it too. Oh well, I was taking care of me. It is what it is, and I can't do anything about that now!
However, that does not mean that you have to take any friends or families advice, Tell them to be a good friend you just need them to listen.
Repeat after me: "It's NOT all about me. It's not ALL about me. It's not all about ME."
So you "bled" to your family and friends in your emotional agony? What else does she expect? Ever been through anything like this before? And what about her...having an affair? Isn't that kinda like finding emotional support from someone other than your family & friends?
Hang in there...this is tough. The toughest thing you've ever done in your life, right? But your marriage was the biggest commitment you've made so far in your life...and the biggest you'll ever make.
Follow the DB advice...work on you, your goals, dreams, and what makes you happy. Go out with friends...and...casual DATES with women. Yes, that's right...it's a tonic. It makes me realize how much I miss my WAW, how much I want my family back, but it also makes me realize that I'm a human being, who has value, and whom other people like. Work on being happy...it's really not a bad plan, you know?
I'll keep you in my prayers, SoccerDad, and keep fighting the good fight.
I had to do a 180 on my friends and mother because their "help" was just not helping. Some of my friends and mother just tell me to pack up my stuff and leave; that he is a horrible person and that I don't deserve what I am going through.
I don't think I was a terrible wife, but I don't think I was the greatest during the marriage, so one part of me doesn't think I am a victim at all. That part my friends (specially the ones living away) don't know.
The people that love me don't know exactly what happened between my husband and I, they just see him as a coldhearted men who decided one day to abandon ship.
My father, interestingly, being always cold and distant, has been the only person to shed some real light to all this. He sees things in the DB line of thought and from a male point of view.
It used to be that when I called my folks, my father would promptly hand the phone to my mom, now I request the opposite.
My mom sometimes just makes the matters worse by saying she hates my husband and that I real strong woman would have left. My best friend thinks I am addicted to books instead of just living life. Either "help" does not give me guidelines to make things better, so I just stopped telling them anything about my love life.
Well, this topic has been dormant for almost two years, but the subject and chapter of the book it discusses really hits home for me.
In my sitch, my wife is married to the internet. All of her friends are there and are just an instant message away. The problem with this-- and I speak from a position of authority on this because this describes me at one point in my life-- is that the guys on the other end of the instant message window are USUALLY lacking in their own self-esteem, lonely, unmotivated, unambitious, self-serving psychic vampires who latch on to anyone they perceive as giving them positive attention. Extra points if the person giving the attention is female (or assumed to be).
They're in a mental place where their reality has become the virtual world they plop themselves in front of them, since their interrelations with people is based on a form of toleplaying. The internet is the great equalizer. No one is rich, poor, fat, skinny, ugly, pretty, handicapped, etc. So, with that freedom, the internet gives even the lowliest of creatures walking upright and with opposable thumbs a clean slate on which they can design their own reality.
So take the case of a WAW who has a whole list of online buddies-- some of whom she's had EAs with already. She's going to use someone as a sounding board, telling all about her woes. Of course, the soul-sucking leech on the other end is going to validate her EVERY WORD and say whatever he can to try to endear her to him more. It's sick in that he's taking her vulnerable position and leveraging it to his advantage. It becomes a feedback loop. She gets to sound off, and he gets to feel all tingly from some girl paying attention to her.
What really pisses me off about this is that the guy on the other end makes these delusional statements that the W doesn't refute, no matter how terribly wrong they are. I'll give an example. This is one I've seen a LOT. "He just doesn't understand you like I do."
What!? So the guy who knows in intimate detail what makes his wife tick; who has shared the most intimate parts of his life with her and received the same in return; who knows her fears, joys, favorite color, food, movie, song; who through formerly open communication has an understanding of where she came from as far as the family she grew up with goes; who physically holds tight to her her when she's crying, or does the same when the love is flowing; who (and this is the biggie, all things considered) PHYSICALLY made love to her and shared that closeness that only making love can provide...
So this guy knows less about his own wife than some greasy shirt wearing 40 year old basement dwelling virgin whose only meaningful relationship ever was a scarily Oedipus-like bond he shared with his mother?
This, folks, is why you should take EXTREME notice of your spouse when they start visiting chatrooms. I'm not sure what I was wanting to get across here. Just maybe sharing things I've found in my experience, and hopefully it can be of use to someone.
Take care! -Jon
My current sitch. Feedback and opinions greatly appreciated!
Jon! Can't you disconnect her from the net for a while?? You know like changing internetaccounts or repair or something...LOL thinking about the look on her face and having to cope as a grown up for once. You know your wife best... Don't tell her this but show it!!! Cook her favourite food, sublety remind her of little things you did together, back her up on an issue.. I would get out my pen and paper and write down stuff about her personally and the two of you together. (actually I did...) Things like i mentioned above...her favourite foods and beverages, movies she likes, the clothes she likes on YOU, etc. and be subtle about it when you rent the movie, cook the food, talk about things you are sure you both agree upon etc.
About family and friends.... I find it very difficult to explain to people what MLC is all about, let alone what you are standing for. Everyone keeps getting back to 'well he IS living with OW...'. But they are supportive of me maybe because I handpicked the people I told about us. Yesterday I had a rough day. I tried to explain to my friend that it is positives I need and not the realitychecks. These are there ALL the time and it still aches. I know the reality because I live this reality everyday...but the positives keep me going.
I have a handfull of people I talk to and they are family and friends. Others I just don't tell. Among the few people who know is my uncle who told me yesterday 'surely I was moving on...!?' I didn't answer just said I lived my live and he asked again and told me his thoughts or rather pushed it upon me. I know he means well so I let it slide but some days are more dificult than others to do this.
My babybrother who is getting married this month wrote my maiden name on the invitation and did not invite my DH (or our DS 3). I wrote him an email making a joke out of it saying he 'forgot' my men and yes we would attend. (still not sure if DH will come but I surely did not tell him about the invitation...) I made a decision for myself that if he replied that DH was not welcome I would stand for my marriage and not attend his wedding. I never received a reply so we will go.
Mmmh, can't remember the other questions JJ asked. Anyway i would really like it if this BB starts having these discussions with moderators some more. It really helps and motivates...!!! (For instance KLA...)
Unfortunately, my W is now living with her parents, and disconnecting their internet would be inconvenient for them, because they both use it for work related matters. She's so addicted to the net that even if they disconnected her from the router and took the cable, she'd go up to Wal-Mart and buy a new one. They could do this every day and she'd follow suit until she was broke, and then she'd try to borrow the money or a cable from someone else.
Worse still, every thing I've feared about what those chatroom types is telling her is true beyond what I could have believed. Her mother said that she observed a comment someone made to W in Instant Messenger as her mother passed by her computer. The comment was pretty inflammatory to her parents, and at that moment she wanted to know what in the hell W was telling these people and what they were telling her. So, I worked a little mojo and accessed W's computer to both mine and her mother's horror. There's all sorts of crap. Textbook material. BEYOND textbook. There are death threats to me, illicit "cybersex" exchanges, plans to meet up, plans to shack up, you name it.
After what happened tonight, it's well and truly over, I'm afraid. She's addicted to the fantasy world of cyberspace, and is open, ready, and willing to chow down on all the bullshit people within it are telling her.
Sucks, but... nothing much I can do now. Maybe her parents will dump their land-based internet and get wireless via their cellphones, thereby cutting W off. Who knows? What I do know is that her parents, as owners of the home W is staying in rent free, are well within their right to deny her access to the net, but they have no real logistical solution to it.
Ah well... Live and learn, die and burn.
-Jon
My current sitch. Feedback and opinions greatly appreciated!
Jon, So you have your MIL and FIL in your corner... That is positive since she is living there. But fron your post I gather you are moving on. OK Good luck to you!
I have had decent relationship with my ILs. Things have started to pile up inside me since my W's MLC started after she took a cruise together with MIL and she came back as a different person. Looking back I see MIL supporting my W's multiple EAs over the time and supporting her feeling that it is ok to move away from the M. I am at the point where I want to resort to LRT with my ILs since they do not want to stand up for the wrong she is committing in the M. Is this wrong on my part?
During my sitch I had nobody to vent to (before I knew about this BB) and I had chatted with my MIL openly about our situation in the hope that she can have a mature discussion with my W. That kind of backfired and made my W pissed off for soliciting help from her family. I have stayed away from that mistake, but recently I took a strong stand in response to an email from my MIL, when she started to nitpick little mistakes on my part - for example taking my kids off to Disneyland on a surprise trip without telling my W! I am shocked to get this response from MIL:
"I cannot agree with your description for love that it is a decision and maybe that's part of the problem in your marriage. Love is a feeling."
I am furious at this and I am ready to blow off. I need some advice.
Me 41, ring on W 36, ring off married 13 yrs Separated D9, D5 bomb May, 07 My sitch
in my situation my family has been supportive without being invasive. my w on the other hand has only talked to her work aquantices. she has only seeked validation for her decision. my wifes mother even called me last night to let me know how concerned she was for her daughters decision to end the marriage. it is totally out of character. i need to talk just to try and make sense of the whole ordeal. thank god for the book dr. i just read the dr twice and can't wait to go into action. h-53 w-43 m-19yrs s-17 d-13
Last edited by craig54; 10/08/0703:56 AM.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
I have just started re-reading DR with a view to taking it more slowly and actually putting some effort into thinking and acting on what I read, rather than simply reading and thinking at the same time. This is mainly for me, since I have lost sight of who I am and what I want from life, but also because I need to understand why my W fell out of love with me.
Reading Chapter 1 reminds me that what Michelle writes makes so much sense, but it only adds to my confusion as to why my W has not fought harder for our R (it is distinctly possible I have been blind on this front). I have also realised that it is difficult to reach some form of understanding when mutual friends are not aware of the other partners' views. I have had no real conversations with any of my W's friends, family or colleagues about our R - and the same is probably true for her. The only two sided discussions that have occurred have been between us and with a couples therapist for 3 session.
All I know that some of her friends have expressed admiration for what she is done - because they are unhappy in their Ms, others shock and one who has been there before warned her to be certain about what she was doing. I can't help feeling that my voice has been strangely absent from most conversations and with so little contact between us after separation, there was little room for positive change.
Although there has been no sign of hope for our M and I have recently been given the "it's over" verdict following a period of separation, I have made a conscious decision to go through the DR process again but far more carefully. This is for my own therapy as much as anything. However, it would be nice to think that there was still some small ray of hope for us too.
Finally, reading chapter one prompted the following thought : has anyone dared give a WAW DR to read? Did they actually read it ad if so, did any of it sink in?
Thanks,
Max
Last edited by MaxP; 10/23/0707:59 PM.
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
Yes,I hope to be in the place where I can help others here. It must be a wonderful feeling seeing those you help, make it to the success stories! I want to be one of them. It is my goal. 
