Partner left after 9 years - will he reconnect?

[Virtually_Handsome]

OK, when I was there, I really got the feeling that you were not supposed to answer "are you ok?" with a real answer. Maybe that's the staid Lincolnshire folks!

I think I am going to start riding a bike, and perhaps get a low impact sort of video. I'm going to look for a convenient gym, but we are kind of out of town. I have a bad knee that the doc says I shouldn't run on!

[One Day]

Hey Al!

Sounds like you had a good day today! It's great that BF has been texting so much- he's obviously thinking about you.

I agree with T- NO OR talk! None at all! Don't do it! He will bring it up when the time's right.

And I can't have you having an R talk before I do - it's about 5 months for me now (8 if you don't count a total meltdown I had about the aubergine in November) and counting. Patience!!

L.xx

[Kalni]

I am getting a word text file message ready with all sorts of 2x4s ready in case you dare to talk to him about your R. I am saving it on my desktop, file name "ALI'S 4x4".

What else do you want the poor guy to do to show you he thinks about you, likes your nights our more, feels close to you, etc. etc. WHAT?


K

[AliSuddenly]

Kiss me? Hold my hand? Tell me he loves me?? Theres alot more! I realise I am getting more signs than some people (and less than others), but its never enough is it.. becuase I miss him.

I'm just disappointed that he didnt want to see me this weekend, thats the first time for 2 months (other than when he was away). It seems he cant be THAT interested if he didnt take the opportunity to see me. I get confused though, as he is depressed. I feel lonely this evening. I deserve more than this, I was very good to him and still am. I am lovable, I deserve to be loved. I'm sick of feeling lonely and everything being all about him!!! I'm mad that he phones and texts and all he talks about is himself. He doesnt even ask what I am up to at the weekend. I'm on my own all the time, day after day. He must know that. He says "are you ok?", what does he expect me to say, yes? No, I'm lonely, I miss you, I'm worried sick about you, I am struggling financially and wake up every day having bad dreams. I dont suppose he would like that answer! Ok..I'm just venting. I'm sure I will be back to my compassionate forgiving self tommorow. :-)

Did that answer yuor question Kalni!? How long do we go on like this, not saying anything, waiting.. 5 months feels like a long time to be apart from someone and not get an I love you, or a kiss.

I dont want to stop, I dont want anyone else. I just realise how much I am at his mercy, I have little say on when I see him. I wonder if he will email me tommorow? If he does, I think it will be at the end of the day, as usual. I think I will go in to work tommorow, its a few doors from my house and I can go when I like and work as long or little as I like, I am the bookkeeper and as long as I get the VAT return done, he doesnt care when or how. But I think I will go in becuase at least I get to see some familiar faces! Sad but true.

[Maya44]

Ali, I feel your pain, I honestly do. H told me - swore up and down - that he was coming by and we'd be going out today to talk (R talk). He completely blew me off. Didn't call, nothing. I've been on 19 months now with now kiss or ILY. I'm very down right now and don't know what to do either. Just wanted to let you know that I feel the same pain you do and you're not alone.

[transformer]

Ali,

I think with yoga it totally depends on the environment/teacher. I was really lucky b/c the first teacher I went to was the best teacher in Boston... I just went to his class accidentally. And since I've run into so many yoga teachers or studios that just had BAD VIBES. If I hadn't had the luck of meeting such a good teacher in the beginning I would probably think it was all b*&*S&*&*. So... sounds like you hit a BAD VIBE yoga studio/yoga teacher. Personally I need someone who is really openhearted and not bossy.... pushy yoga teachers make me want to punch them in the face!!!!

that's just my OPINION ABOUT YOGA

Sweet Ali, remember, NO R TALK NO R TALK NO R TALK

and I am SO PROUD OF YOU about your 8 mile bike ride!!! Way to go, girl!!!!!!! Now we just have to get *someone* to fix your chain for you!!!

((((HUGS))))
T

[MichelleLT]

It's been 9 months since the ILYBINILWY...and no ILY since. And despite the fact that things aren't moving nearly as fast as I'd like, I really do feel like I am seeing some baby steps. So, I will keep waiting and hoping while detaching and being his friend first so that there is a chance we can have a real M again someday.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey there.. Dar.. I replied on your thread, thinking of you. Michelle, gosh has it been that long for you? Baby steps.. my god girl you were doing the horizontal jig with him not so long ago, I'd call that a man sprint :-)

Well, I got a reply to my text, he said he only got mine this morning so that confirms he has no mobile signal in his village. He offered to buy and fit a new chain for my bike, bless him. He went on to say how terrible he felt and tired and said that he "feels dead". I was very concerned to hear this. I texted back saying thanks about the chain and sorry he is so tired, but then the DBing has gone out the window a bit today, as I am more worried about him than me and him. So I told him to email me about his day if he wanted to.

He emailed me straight away saying just
"I'm knackered, was awake from about 3, feel real tired and hacked off, can't stand work at the moment and can't concnetrate cos I'm so tired."

So I wrote back saying again how sorry I was that he is that tired. I asked did he mange to phone the EAP line yet (he said on Friday he was going to), that he should ask their advice about work, tell them his boss was being rubbish about the depression and not making allowances, that if hes depressed, he probably would feel like he hated his job right now, but speak to them about that, maybe see if they can refer him to a local counsellor and added you can always talk to me anytime too.

I dont think he is telling anyone else in his life how bad he feels from what hes told me..he tried with two friends (who didnt say much back) and he emailed a friend, who was all bravado and made light of it. So, although he is telling people I get the impression noone is really listening or taking it seriously.

I think theres a chance we are slipping slightly into the old roles here (me being the strong one, suggesting solutions, him being the pessimistic weak one), but that could be over simplifying it and anyway, he is in a bad way, worst hes been for 12 years, so maybe it doesnt matter about me and him and DBing in the short term. If hes this low, I dont suppose he will have any thought about me or romance anyway, so he just needs to get better, or better than he is at the moment and I need to be a friend to him.

I feel in such an awkward position and he is putting me there as he is coming to me with this stuff, but still holding himself at a distance. And I do feel worried about him and yet theres only so much I can do or say.

[Maya44]

IMO Ali he's coming to you with this because he trusts you completely and does feel safe with you. Plus, you give him answers instead of brushing him off like his buddies do. I think it's wonderful that you said you're more concerned about him than you are you and him. Very commpassionate!

[RefuseToLose]

Ali,

A few things I picked up here...

Its positive that he sent me a text and I had 5 last night! So I must have been on his mind or "with" him

I've been re-reading the DR book and the section on "taking stock" tells you not to over look the little signs of progress. This is complete progress even though they are baby steps. Remember he's on a long road back and it will be a while until he says "ILY" or holds your hand, etc.

I know you are worried about starting a family, but you also need to remember there are too many unwanted children in this world who would love to have a place to call home w/ "parents" who love them dearly. So, if biology ends up not being able to play out its part, that doesn't mean it is the death of your family dreams.

Finally, about GALing. You have to do it. I have to do it. I keep putting it off because it is easier not to do it. You can't allow yourself to do the same. The bike ride was a good, good thing for you and I hope you keep doing these and other activities to keep you busy. The trick is for none of us to spend too much time being alone and inactive as we start to depress and concentrate on the painful side of things.

So, I'll chime in w/ Jeff here... How can we, on our various ends of the world, help to keep you motivated to continue working on you? Let us know if we need to badger the Hell out of you daily to get going and keep going and I'm sure all of us will be happy to swing our 2X4s at you.

RTL