It's funny you should mention that your H doesn't have your best interest at heart.. I actually said that to my H back in early January or late December. Something along the lines of it not being possible for him to "have my back" since he just knifed me in the back with his actions and words. Man, I was in a really dark, black hole. What they say is true, time is our friend and it does heal all wounds!
But enough about me. You are still working on becoming a happier and healthier Gypsy.. and it's going to take some time. Your H on the other hand seems to be on a solitary journey.. and his actions to push you away and have negative interaction with you are his "ugly" way of asking for space. You sound like you are giving him what he's requesting and that's all you can do for him... and that's the part that sucks. I find most of us LBS actually are similar in our need to fix things.. it's the inability to fix the scenario that we find ourselves in that causes the most pain. Not feeling in control. But truthfully we are in control. We are in control of ourselves. I hadn't realized how much of my power I had given away.. and only now am I gathering the strength to take my power back.
Gosh, I'm sorry. I really don't know what's gotten in to me tonight. I'm just babbling and not feeling like I'm making any sense.. All of this is stuff that you know already...
More than anything I just wanted to post to you and give you a hug. You've been a wonderful supporter of me and I just hope to be able to do that for you!
Thanks for checking up on me. When the salt water waves engulf me, I take time to recoup.
There's a great site, Caring Bridge, which provides free personalized websites that support and connect loved ones during critical illness, treatment and recovery.
The rumor mill caught up with me earlier this week, something I have avoided like the plague. He's being mentioned by name around town and how he moved to another city to be with his girlfriend. Rumors sometimes contain a nugget of truth or a pound of illwill. He steadfastly refuses to tell me or the kids where he lives, which he is obligated to in the divorce papers. He's been gone over a month. His life is a secret.
I'd gotten miffed that his lawyer was sending his mail to our home address. Most of the mail consists of bills.. but correspondence from his lawyer was just too much. My lawyer told me to ask him where he lived, and to email her if he didn't tell. He explained his reasons and still never revealed the address. I wrote my lawyer, she faxed his lawyer, who didn't understand his secrecy. H never returned his lawyer's call and received a letter from him in the mail yesterday.
He immediately called me and was concerned and accusatory. I eventually shared with him the rumor and that I didn't want to know what he was doing, that any actions represented his own misery in his life. I didn't write the rules on the divorce papers. The issue wasn't the address, but his unwillingness to reveal it which was creating his problem. I suggested that if this is the life he wants to live, to embrace it and not hide. If you have to hide, what good are you doing yourself. You should be proud of what you do.
He never admitted or denied anything, but had several lengthy silences during our conversation, sharing that someone in the corporate office had asked him about the same rumor. He said it was a nasty rumor and he understood how it would upset me.
I heard the rumor Monday, the discussion was yesterday. Since yesterday I have never received this many phone calls, emails and texts (5 in total) in this time period. He went home sick shortly after our phone call and is staying home today, something he nevers does.
When I received the email this morning, I replied in a sympathetic manner and gave him a concise description of the event he missed (a banquet our son was part of).. just a brief note.
So.. 20% of me doesn't want to believe he has a girlfriend.. maybe a 'special friend' but not a girlfriend. 50% feels that the girlfriend rumor helps all the puzzle pieces fall into place. The remaining 30% doesn't have a clue.
I can't believe a man whose focus in life was integrity would lie. I can't believe a man who took pride in what was true and ethical would hide.
Before the bomb, I was concerned about his mental health, that he was going off the deep end.
I have no control over that now.
As this has progressed, I wonder about a MLC.
I have no control over that.
With the rumor, does he have a girlfriend?
I have no control over that.
What I am learning is that I have to stop flailing while trying to hold it together emotionally. As my DB coach suggested, just swim over to the side of the pool and hold onto the edge. Take care of myself, my children are watching and will come to me when they aren't afraid of me drowning them.
*hugs*
PS.. As an aside he said he felt I was pursuing him. How, I'm not begging, pleading.. I'm giving you all the space you need, I'm not holding on to someone who doesn't want to be with me. His reply was how could he not think that, based on all the books I had (DR, DB, etc). I told him that those books do say that staying married is the best thing for the kids, but it's all about getting a life, finding yourself again, improving who you are. If your spouse's interest is sparked, that's fine. But it's all about finding you and moving on.
PPS.. sometimes I get a little antsy here that other folks who may know me or him might be reading my posts.. paranoia or reality.. who knows?
Thank you for responding to my thread earlier today. I feel my words will be sorely lacking - you have such a way with expressing yourself. I imagine you must be a famous writer.
I am so sorry about the rumor mill. It's so difficult to understand what is happening. It's unfair that our spouses can decide to change the route and we have no say in the matter. I read so many stories on this site; I'm amazed by so many incredible people and I can't understand how their H/W could let them go. Don't they understand what a gift they had? Did they forget the person they fell in love with? I'm rambling and not making much sense, but after reading your threads, my heart is so full of love for you and I can't understand how your H could walk away without any effort to fix things. You. Are. So. Special.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Couples don't consist of one incredible person. If you're incredible, if I'm incredible, then the person we chose as a spouse, soulmate has to be incredible too.
Life gets in the way. What did work, doesn't. Unexpressed hurt, anger, frustration all build up. When we stop spending time together, when it's easier to avoid, not talk, no longer connect then we get where we are today.
Each of our reactions.. our spouse going one way, us coming here are different ways of coping. What's positive for one is hell for another.
My hope is that I learn.. learn to let go of hurt which kept me from talking, from pain that kept me from being open, from any number of things. I hope all the best for my spouse, with or without me... at least, I hope to hope that.
In forgiveness, of ourselves, of others who hurt us (most probably don't have a clue they did) we are freed to be the wonders we are.
Let go of making the kids help me with home projects, cleaning their rooms, etc. Pick the battles. Focus more on being the mom rather than being a prison guard. They need a parent more than a foreman.
Let go of worrying about H. He's a man who is on his own journey.
Let go of being fearful of the future (finances in particular). Things are only things.. and who knows, I may actually do something with my writing skills!
Let go of the comfort of fear. It's always so easy to be scared. I'm going to think of fear as a big ole playground bully. It only has as much power as I give it.
Finances scare me as well. Every night on the way home from work, I see the Powerball billboard, and sigh, thinking "If only..." lol. But you are right, fear can paralyze us (I know it did this summer). I don't fear a D anymore, I fear for the kids well being.
You are right about the mom/foreman thing. Sit in the midst of the mess and just play. Then clean later. Or not.
Thanks for finding me, again. Sometimes I'm as strong as a marshmallow, flexible as rock.
I think when I get overwhelmed.. inundated with information, or if I'm seeking approval (would that be acting needy?) I twirl inside my bubble getting dizzier and confused.
Which door, key, shell, path do I choose when choices are being made simulatneously?
Maybe it's a tick list.
One for me. One for kids. One for DR One for GAL One for 180 One for the divorce (have to be responsible for the deadlines.. ugh)
I remember in the past I'd always get annoyed, asking.. Why am I the one who has to do all the change, all the work? In retrospect it's a good place to be.. willing to move forward, improve.
Someone suggested I do a triple 180.. clean house, organized bills and improved physique. Holy crap! Then he shared his DB coach had told him (this is me paraphrasing) what your spouse complains about in the relationship is how you can get through to him/her now. Holy crap!
So 180's are not just drudge work, they're an active method of communication. It hits on many different levels. Dang.
Oh Gypsy, I can see it has been a particularly trying week for you, yet, you are managing to grow stronger. I know that with the new rumors your heart must be aching even more than previously. Your H seems to be adding insult to injury by being difficult as well as placing you in a difficult position. By not vilifying him you are acting as a role model for the rest of us.
It has got to get better.
ISH
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
