I guess it's time to get to work

[Michael Mc C]

Hello all, fresh from the Infidelity/Jealousy board. I have been tempted to come over to Piecing for the past few weeks but have hesitated, I think, because of my own lingering doubts. Wife told me yesterday that she wants to fix our marriage and feels that we have already been doing this for a while now.

Here are the threads from my original situation:
Thread #1
Thread #2
Thread #3
Thread #4

Right now we appear to be working on reconnection and, as Wife has told me, we have been doing really well. I want to take it one step further, of course, by attending a Retro weekend (and the follow up sessions) but have not had much feedback from her on this yet. I need to bring it up to her again and tell her that if we are going to fix it we should take advantage of the resources that are available to us.

I believe my Wife is in need of individual counselling as well. A close friend of hers has recommended this to her and she is looking into it.

[hopeforfuture]

Good to see you here Michael,
It looked like you disappeared for a while, so I'm glad to hear that things are still going well.

Wife has told me, we have been doing really well

Fabulous! It sounds like the two of you are on the same page (or close to it at least).

Local Retro weekend coming up for April 4th!! Consider it a little spring break.

[Dr LOve]

Welcome MMC,

It's becasue of you I came here. Let's get this board hoppin.

Dr LOve

[Michael Mc C]

Thanks guys, good to be here.

My wife and I have handled most of our R discussions via email. This has been a great way for us to sit back and absorb what we both are trying to say without letting emotions get too high. We had some really rough "discussions" back in September and October (and one in November).

On some occassions we'll have a discussion on the phone (as we did Sunday morning) and every once in a while we'll slip into R talk face to face.

With that said... I sent my wife an email this morning telling her that if we are going to give this a genuine attempt then I recommend Retrouvaille. I gave her the link to the site, the contact info for the folks running the show and offered her the chance to speak to someone who has been where she is/was AND has gone to Retro.

I told her that I would not force this issue but instead opened it up to discussion and any options she thought we may want to pursue. She isn't keen on counseling and we both know that, left to our own devices, once we fix our surface issues we will easily slip back into being married and being happy, only to suffer the consequences in approximately 3 years (believe me, this is not the first time we've had issues that we thought we fixed - 3 years is about right for us).

If she is sincere about this then I believe we have what it takes to move forward. I will say that I have doubts and questions regarding her sincerity but I'm sure that's to be expected. We will see.

[Concerned_Listener]

Michael,
It must have been a wonderful feeling to hear your W commit to working on the M. My W and I too manage much of our conflict by email. It helps to keep things organized, and allows me to respond in a problem-solving manner. In person, I begin to withdraw emotionally out of frustration, as it's more of a rant than a dialogue.

Do you know what the deeper, more sensitive issues are?

CL

CL

[Dr LOve]

Michael

Thanks I needed to hear from you today. While working in the yard my mind started to slip again. I started having doubts I was doing the right thing. Maybe wasting my time. It's so strange when you sit and think back over all of the years we have been together. IT is clear as day that something was not right. But I busted myself at work (lots of overtime) to bring money into the house.
As for the e-mails that is great. As long as it's a two way street. I have sent plenty of e-mails and only had one answered. So I gave up on that. Retro... that is even better. BUT.... I am going to require we go (after W gets a job). That will be part of the deal. WE BOTH NEED IT.
As for the tickling....... Heck I have slept alone now for 8 months. IF WIFE EVEN CAME TO BED WITH ME I WOULD BE tickled.

Keep up the good work Michael.
Yes things are better but we are not even half way there yet...

Husband (Dr LOve)

[Sara]

Good work on bring up Retrouvaille, Michael. I assume that you are referring to Mom of 2 Cherubs as the person she can speak to. I would be happy to speak to her too. I had my culpability issues also. I'd say my email is in my profile, but we all know it no longer is. Ask H, he can put you in touch with me.

Sara

[Michael Mc C]

Thanks Sara, I will contact H via email.

So ran into our first setback last night. W was online and ran into OM. This isn't the first time since he walked away - she ran into him last week as well.

Last night, even though they didn't speak, she got into a funk. She stayed online anyway and he eventually logged off. Afterwards her mood was much better.

She was falling asleep at the computer when we decided to go to bed. I mentioned that it probably isn't a good idea to bring herself to sheer exhaustion prior to going to bed. This sparked a poorly-timed discussion.

In short, she isn't as indifferent as she thought. She is NOT currently working on our marriage but we are becoming closer. She doesn't know why he still affects her the way he does. She has unresolved issues that will continue to affect how far down this path we can make it.

To say I'm disappointed would be an understatement. I'm not angry, of course, just a little disillusioned. I find it very tempting to reverse gears right now - to stop treating her like my wife and going back to the roommate stage. I know that's the last thing I should do but I think I do need to pull back just a little bit and give her more room, more opportunity to see what she has in me.

There is nothing I can do that will help her get over OM. I do not want to work on us until she can focus completely on us.

[Dr LOve]

In short, she isn't as indifferent as she thought. She is NOT currently working on our marriage but we are becoming closer. She doesn't know why he still affects her the way he does. She has unresolved issues that will continue to affect how far down this path we can make it.

Take awth the OM statement and ya have my W here...

I find it very tempting to reverse gears right now - to stop treating her like my wife and going back to the roommate stage.

This is what I was saying yesteday when you posted to me. I feel like this way several times a day...

but then I say just one more day... (day after day).

I'll send ya Sara's E-Mail but ya have to remember..I found her first,,

Dr LOve

[Michael Mc C]

Thanks H

Wife is on Spring break this week so she's been here all week. I have been going into the office 3 times a week now which appears to be a blessing in disguise. I need time and space for me now.

I am doing my best not to revert to a passive aggressive nature, to being moody and needy. I am trying to keep my distance right now but don't want to get pulled into playing any games. This is all about me right now.

I know she wants to fix the marriage. I don't know WHY she wants to. This is the wrong time for me to become impatient. I feel I was in a better place for myself 2 months ago than I am today.