I would say two things: One, your reply to Essie is what you should be working on. That, to me, is DBing. That is what you have to do regardless of what BF decides.
Two, I think your reply was correct. Keep it short. Throw it out there and see what he chooses to do.
The meds will take several weeks (up to two months, in some cases) to really have an effect, but they will help him over time. He also needs to make sure he isn't drinking as that will negate the effects of the anti-depressants and only make him more depressed.
Keep going. You are moving in the direction you've been waiting for.
Hey RTL... I feel a million times better, althuogh I miss him just as much, but I suppose I got my answer. What I suspected all along - he is depressed and severly so I would say, judging at the amount of drinking he has been doing. That would explain the way he acted and how he left me, but I dont suppose it will necessarily mean we will ever get back together. And he will probably be feeling fragile right now anyway and not focused on our R ! I'm so glad for him that he has finally got diagnosed though.
I sent him an email at lunchtime, saying lots of things, thanked him for telling me, thanked him for apologising about not speaking up sooner, but that I realise how hard its been for him to talk about this, told him well done for going to the doctor and I could see it wasnt only brave, but necessary, apologised for not asking him if he was ok, but that I respected his right to tell me in his own good time, also, that I am always here for him if he ever wants to talk, or needs anything. That he doesnt have to feel like he is alone with it.
I was thinking about Essies question and for me, DBing has been about managing the contact with my BF. The rest has all been a natural grieving process. My BF gave me maybe 6 weeks warning that he was going to do this so it felt like a big trauma, there was no lead in, no argueing, no discussion at all at any point. We'd had a lovely summer in fact, but I was sure that he was depressed (although he kept saying he was just tired!) Even after he left me he emailed me to state he wasnt depressed, he wasnt going to snap out of it, he just didnt love me anymore. Clearly, he is depressed! But it was all such a shock that it was like he had died. So, 4 months on, I am doing a lot better. I was even whistling and skipping along earlier eating a chocolate bar :-) I have been feeling alot better and him finally owning up to his depression does feel like a weight has been lifted off me. I wonder if it does for him too, that hes actually been honest at last.
he didnt reply to my email today, which doesnt surprise me. Maybe I overdid it on the sorries and thankyous and I am always here for you's, day or night. For once, I just said what felt right !
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Well, I hope this is a turning point for him being able to make himself happy. What that means for the future is up for grabs, but I am so happy he is confiding in you. You are obviously being very successful at being a good listener.
(((Ali)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
(((((Ali))))) So, now you know he isn't sure, and you have more of a clue of what's going on. So that's all good. And you know that it really isn't about you! And, I think it is clear, that the way you have been handling things has helped the situation. You are probably one of the only people he can come to. So I'd say keep doing what you are doing, with perhaps a bit less analysis!
Hey Jeff and Michelle.. Michelle, I'm so sorry for the latest developments with yur H, I wanted to post but I wasnt sure what to say, but I'm sorry as its been hard for you to find that stuff out. Thanks for your kind words to me.
Well, he didnt reply to my email which is sad, I was hoping he would, but perhaps not surprised. I'm a bit worried I "over-egged" it in my email to him. I just reread it and I think it is ok. But what he told me is so massive and to imply things were getting that bad that he didnt know how it would end up, it sounds so serious and he is my love and I wish I could just talk to him at a time like this. Its so hard. I guess I'm not feeling too hopeful, he has probably known for a little while he was depressed, but only now caved in and got tablets (we are the same in this respect and are very anti these pills unless you are a danger to yourself), so makes me realise he must have been. Thats so bad, I wish he had been able to tell me sooner.
I dont really understand why he couldnt. I've always been there for him, since we were friends, and helped him through so many down times before and his Dads illness and death. Its wierd he couldnt turn to me this time. But I am really glad he is facing up to it anyway, he couldnt go on like he was in life. I wonder what the likelihood is of him realising he lost something precious in me, or whether he will stand by his decision, despite the depression. At least I heard from his best mates W that he wasnt sure he had done the right thing, so I have to hold that in my mind and wait and see now....?
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Just catching up on your thread, and WOW- so much has happened! You must have been so relieved to hear what best mates W had to say about BFs state of mind. Talk about spooky predictions aswell. Amazing!!
I think you did the right thing by showing support and love to BF after he'd opened up to you about how he was feeling. I wouldn't worry too much about the lack of reply yet. Could he be busy doing something? He might reply tomorrow. Don't let it affect your PMA though- you've been so lucky to get an insight into BFs thinking, and to know he is having doubts about leaving is HUGE! Also, he is starting to open up to you again. That is a great baby step.
Keep going!
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
That was quite the email you received from your BF today. It speaks volumes to me that he shared that personal information with you. Shows that he feels comfortable with you and I'm sure you are one of the very few people he is going to open up about this.
Once he's on his meds for a bit he'll be feeling so much better. I can't imagine it's been easy for him living with his depression for so long now.. everything must be so clouded in negativity for him... It can only get better now that he's sought help from his Dr.
He's lucky to have a good person like you wanting to be there for him.
Don't know why Ali, I thought I post this on your thread... I could post it on mine, on BBjs on so many others as well... This is how I feel and I am sure you feel too..
XXXXXX Love Always K
By Your Side Sade
You think I'd leave your side baby? You know me better than that You think I'd leave down when you're down on your knees? I wouldn't do that
I'll do you right when you're wrong I-----ohhh, ohhh
If only you could see into me
oh, when your cold I'll be there to hold you tight to me When you're on the outside baby and you can't get in I will show you, you're so much better than you know When you're lost, when you're alone and you can't get back again I will find you darling I'll bring you home
If you want to cry I am here to dry your eyes and in no time you'll be fine
You think I'd leave your side baby You know me better than that You think I'd leave you down when your down on your knees I wouldn't do that
I'll do you right when your wrong I-----I, ohhhh, ohhh
If only you could see into me
Oh when you're cold I'll be there To hold you tight to me Oh when you're alone I'll be there by your side baby
Oh when you're cold I'll be there To hold you tight to me Oh when you're alone I'll be there by your side baby
Thanks so much kalni, that bought tears to my eyes! If only I could send that to him. And you are so right, that is exactly how I feel (although I dont know that song) so thank you. Love you too Kalni !
I had an email from him today, about the remortgage, but also says.. "Thanks for your email, it means a lot. Will talk a bit more..."
and so that was it. But at least he said it meant alot. I had high hopes for a while about this Thursday...Venus moves into Pisces. When he told me he was going away Friday, I wondered if I would see him before he went. Well, sure enough, he also asked in his email to come round on Thursday night! So thats good. I'm not sure if we will talk then (as he alludes to in his email), and if we do, what it is he will have to say. I have a horrible feeling he will say thats it now..hes done, because he hasnt really emailed me this week as he was the previous weeks, all those chatty funny emails we were exchanging have stopped. I know him facing up to depression is a big deal, but he implied its not news to him, so maybe he will want to sort himself out before jumping back into a R with me, or anyone. He probably knows I am waiting for him, my reaction when he gave me the CD would prove that. Maybe he will want to let me know there is no point.
It could be the opposite though! He could confess what he did to his friend two weeks ago, that he is not sure he made the right decision! Its all speculation, maybe I will find out tommorow.
And thanks W2G... and thats a good point, if you are depressed I guess everything would seem really negative and maybe thats why he felt there was no hope for our R and no point trying to fix it. And I still think he wont necessarily change his view of that, but I will just have to see how things go and hope!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
((Ali)), you're back to analyzing too much! We can give eachother advice, but can't do what we say to eachother. Why is that? I think he's just coming to terms with the depression and that's alot to take in for him having to admit to it and all. Take it easy and enjoy that he wants to get together this week.
