Partner left after 9 years - 4 months on

[Essie]

I appreciate your words, I'm not sure I can keep up the face anymore, this DBing face. Eveyone talks about DBing being about you, your journey, making yourself happy etc...but that is a side effect of the process. The process is designed to improve your R or in the last resort, lure him back (and if not, so what as you will have made yourself happy anyway)?

I think essentially, this is my problem..I'm not happy.

Hi Ali. Changing your perception of DB really is key to you moving forward. I my situation it started off being a 'game' putting on a 'face', but once I got the hang of it, then it really did become all about me. The process isnt actually to improve your R - that's not actually the goal..... ?????..... Its actually to improve you so that you are happy and centered. And then out of that will flow a fantastic new relationship (hopefully with BF, but we cant rule out that you might meet someone new, or you might decide that you would like to be single for a couple of years). Until you get you happy and centered you are not going to draw BF back, and even if he did come back you would repeat the same behaviour that caused the break down of the relationship.

And I really think you hold the answers about what will make you happy (independent of your relationship) and centered.

I'd like to see your goals not even have the words BF in them. For your goals to focus solely on you.

About the friend things. For me personally no-one in my family or friends knows that I'm DB. I just got such a negative reaction from people when I started to mention DB that I decided I didnt need to tell them. And you know what if you were getting over BF and moving on with your life, that would LOOK exactly the same as if you are DB. If you are DB your friends and family should be thinking "wow, Ali has bounced back fast and is moving on with her life".

The only difference is that you move on forward in your life because you love your BF, not because you hate him and you want to get over him ASAP. And you leave the door open to the possibility of reconciliation, if that is what he choses.

Maybe it would help you to stop "DB" and start acting like he is never coming back and you have to get over him? (Thoughts from other DB advisers welcome here!)

Big hugs

[One Day]

Hey Ali,

I don't think I'm an expert DB adviser in any way, but my observations of your sitch are that you have made the most progress when BF has been under the impression you have moved on (eg those fantastic DBing interactions you had after the NC period ended).

In my sitch, I think I've been getting baby steps since I started acting as if I had moved on, and was being pursued by someone else. Although I wouldn't recommend dating anyone else, I've read on lots of success stories that the minute the WAS let go and started getting on with their own life for themselves was the minute the WAS started moving towards them.

I think Essie's advice is spot-on.

(((Ali)))

L.xx

[Maya44]

I've heard alot of that as well OneDay. It's hard for me to get to that point, but I've just started from the beginning again by listing my goals on my thread to work on ME and maybe one day I'll get there as well.

Ali, I still think you're doing just fine. You've been here, what, 4-5 months now and look at the progess you've made!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey everyone! Dar...Ive been here 2 months!! We had met in a pub Boxing Day, he wouldnt look me in the eye, he couldnt speak to me, he didnt want to accept my presents (and when he opened them he texted me to say he would give me the money back. And they were excellent presents! One was tickets to see his favourite comedian, who was on a sold out tour - I'd called every box office and managed to blag 2 tickets that werent for sale, right near the stage!) He didnt contact me for a month...until I saw him on 26th January, although I also hadnt contacted him since 1 January as that is when I did start DBing I guess - with NC and I didnt break it once! (yes, I'm proud).

So we have certainly come a long way from that. I feel a bit better today, I've seen two old mates today who were pleased to see me and said I looked great and both said that my hair was glossy !!! Feeling like a labrador :-) Seeing another good mate tommorow night and staying over - the W of my BF best friend. I dont know how he will feel when he founds out, he will be a little surprised and it may make him think.

Hi Essie, my favourite australian! I missed you!..this happy centred stuff to draw him back..I WAS happy and centred and had a very settled happy life before he left. And since he left me I have been incredibly unhappy! I need to get past that. For years in my R I had my art classes, my career, my pottery classes, astrology training, good friends, I volunteered at the animal shelter..I had a life. Then we moved away and we lost all our support systems and both struggled with that.I didnt realise though how unhappy he was. I did struggle at college and got ill alot and my cat got really sick so...I lent on him and was vunerable in a way I had never been before in our R. I had always been the happy strong one to his melancholy misery guts! But I didnt mind, I found it endearing. He learnt to wear a mask so he wasnt openly miserable with me, but I knew he suffered that way and I was accepting of it (I suggested he went for counselling and acupuncture, although you cant make someone do these things. He did try but he didnt keep going). As he said when he left me "its not about you, this is whats right for me" and evidently he has been unhappy for a long time. But I need to start building a life for myself, the one I had with him for 9 years has gone now.

Hi Lisa!...I was being very very wishful thinking in my post earlier, theres no way I could drive that getting back to dating thing! I cant even ask him his address, neverlone to ask him for a drink! I think you are very brave in your sitch, emailing a list of outings to your H, thats amazing! I did ask my BF to stay for dinner twice after spending the afternoon together, but he says no and makes some lame excuse, which tells me that he really doesnt want to stay for dinner. Not that he cant becuase he already defrosted some chicken. I havent yet ventured a "shall we go for a drink sometime", I was afraid that it would be seen as pressure? And he'd say no? Its my birthday Monday, so maybe I should say..I could come over to his village where there is a really nice bar on the beach.suggest we meet for a drink in the week? (not ON my birthday)..see what he says ? What do you guys think?

You posted about baby steps on your sitch, you got me thinking..my BF did do a bit of a double take when he came to pick me up (I had dressed up), but didnt say anything. Also, in the car I was staring at him alot down the motorway and he returned my gaze a few times and a couple of times he held my gaze for a while and had that affectionate crease to his eyes and I remember as I thought it was perhaps a long time to look into someones eyes when you are doing 80 in the fast lane!! So maybe this was a little bit significant?? Although he does maintain eye contact with me now when he comes to the house, whereas he couldnt look me in the eye at all before..but I just took this to mean that he is comfortable being my friend now and that awkwardness has gone now that he is feeling less guilty??

In terms of what I woud look for..I guess giving me his address would be a major step, but again, could point to him being more comfortable as a mate. So a sign for me would have to be something romantic - taking my hand, a kiss, asking to meet me for a drink, and so far I have had nothing close to that. It is remarkable, but he hasnt made a move toward me since he day he ended it. Just bang, over.

And Jeff...you tease! Where have you gone? Are you ankle deep in muffins?

[Virtually_Handsome]

Sorry Ali! (((((((Ali)))))))

I've been in the lad all day, actually working!

I will write something tonight, so you'll have something to wake up to, you labrador, you!

It sounds like you may finally be seeing that there really are some baby steps going on. I think eye contact at 80 is a big deal! And let him notice you awesomeness without having to say anything, ok?

I think I like the idea of asking him out for a drink in a week, but let me think a bit more on that!

[AliSuddenly]

I was thinking...on Thursday, I replied to an email fom him about hm getting drunk the night before, saying I was at my parents and could do with getting out for a drink myself. He took this to mean I was having a stressful time, but didnt reply till the end of the day on Friday. I just feel that theres nothing earth shattering about these communications still, hes just being a friend, I dont see any change (baby steps) He said:

hiya,

sorry sounds like a bit of a mare - hope its getting a bit better? been flat out today but my boss left early (!) so i am too. hope you're having a nice time - will speak over the weekend.

me

..its just...nothing special? Its better than nothing! but I have never had more than this since he ended it. After the bomb he woud email to say, hope you're ok, leaving work, will email tommorow. Me. After things became fraught between us, he started signing his messages with his name and then stopped contacting me all together. So we're only back to where we were after he ended it, and then he was pretty definite it was over for good because he DLYA and didnt believe the feelings would ever return. And I havent seen any sign of that they have. Maybe I shuldnt ask him for a drink, but then..what do I have to lose now?

[Kalni]

Ali,

I am here following your thinking. We have electricity black outs here in Athens and it is stressful cause I am typing and loosing it all in a sec...

You give yourself the answers in the same paragraph you are asking... You were a couple, then "friends" then nothing, now friends again and then...

The only way you can get back together is through going through all the stages. He can't jump in a R again with you and continue business as usual. You said it yoursefl, he doesn't sound the normal him. He needs a break. You need a break too. Have you figured out yet what went wrong? Honestly? Can you please share it with me again if you do not mind?

You could ask him for a drink and if he says "no" you'll be (at least) disappointed, if he says "yes" you'll be wondering tommorow if he accepted as a friend because he wants to be polite... Take a pick...

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K

[One Day]

Hey Ali,

Ummmm..... what K said (but without the bit about the blackouts!)

I wouldn't ask him for a drink- it's a tiny little bit of pressure (or he might construe it in his confusion as pressure). Let him do the asking. Breathe. Be patient. Organise something fantastic for yourself for your birthday. Come and visit London maybe! Someone on another thread posted 4 stages to reconciliation (that came from a DB coach)

1. Letting go of anger
2. Friendship
3. Romance
4. Reconciliation

You know where you are right now, and you got there by letting BF come to you. It's working, so don't change it!!

L.xx

[RefuseToLose]

Ali,

I'm checking in from Seattle and I wanted to get up to date w/ you.

I read something from Jeff where he said:

When they start in, tell them that you understand how they feel, but that you are choosing a different path for now, and that you would appreciate their support, rather than their criticism

He is right on here. I have friends who think I'm crazy for even wanting to have my wife back and I simply either tell them to keep the negatives down or I filter things very selectively. Filter, filter, filter. Let it all run right in and out if you don't feel comfortable telling them to support your current track. Also, keep any discussions about you and BF out of your interactions and conversations w/ your friends who don't support your current actions concerning your BF.

I know you are frustrated and you want this to end. We all do. The list from the DB coach said step one was to lose the anger and step two was friendship. You are in the friendship stage, so know you are half-way to getting your BF to return to you. Keep that in mind as you struggle w/ your frustration and with being in love w/ someone who is lost, confused, and struggling right now.

Finally, I'm having my first DB conversation w/ a coach on Tuesday (my original one was rescheduled), so I will let you know what I learned from this meeting. You may be interested in meeting w/ one yourself. Just a thought.

Take care and keep going.

RTL

[AliSuddenly]

Hey everyone... I HAVE SOME NEWS !!!!! Sorry for shouting,but I am a little bit excited (dangerous I know)...I got my sign, something has changed!!! The sitch is still the same for now though..

So...I went to stay with my BF best mate W last night, I was very excited about this because a) she is lovely and we get on great b) she is super supportive of my stance and of us and always says "I think you are doing the right thing, keep doing what you are doing" and c) if anyone would know anything, she would.

Her H is very very secretive and never shares stuff with her, especially anything my BF says to him, as he is his confidant and best pal since they were 7. So what she knew she was very fearful of telling me in case they found out she had broken that trust. He wouldnt tell his W much, but...

Two weeks ago I said my BF went back home and texted me to say he felt "low". Well, in fact he was worse than low she said, he turned up in tears and was very very low. He went for a drink with her H and got blind drunk. Her H finally told her why, but all he would say is my BF said "hes not sure he has made the right decision" !!!! And that he is not doing so well, that he is struggling and unhappy. Also, she assured me that he has NOT met anyone else and wouldnt, definetly not as he is NOT looking for anyone else!!!! Apparently he is impressed that I am so positive and have stayed at college and gotten 3 jobs (DBing works!)

Her H has been advising him that its ok to admit to having made a mistake, people do make mistakes, BUT (and I'm not so keen on this bit) that he musnt say a word to me, unless he is absolutely certain he was wrong. He told him that I was so devastated the first time around, that he cant risk doing it to me twice, so therefore should stick with his decision unless he is certain, with no doubts. (Jeez...how much pressure there !!!??) Apparently though, he still needs time and space to decide.

I was suffering so much with nothing to go on, and now I have this, I will carry on and do all I can. Its given me the impedus to keep going, for myself, for him. I'm going to reread your posts and especially Kalni - now I can see him as a lost mouse and I am the lab technician! I need to get out and GAL more. And RTL,Jeff, OneDay..thats so helpful what yuo said also, I didnt realise that that was the pattern...becuase he WAS angry, then there was NC, then there was tentative contact and now we are into almost friendship..and I only dream of romance being next!!

In answer to your question Kalni, apparently, he is very unhappy and has realised that it was not me causing it (durr!!), and thats partly why he left though. But also she told me, it was an issue for him that I stopped going out so much to places with him. I had been getting ill for 5 years with a recurring virus (I dont anymore) and so I became very fearful of going out, in case I got ill, or got cold, or caught something..so I ewas sociable, but alot of times I let him go to parties and things alone. This is something we need to work on, we need to get back to having fun together. I am a little angry that he didnt just talk to me about this, but I guess everything got to much, it wasnt one thing (she said this).

He will probably be here after lunch to take me home. He still needs time and space apparently...so I am worried about seeing him, but in a different way to yesterday! I am nervous, I feel like I am on show, being tested.

But...I got my sign as I hoped!!! I am not a banana !!! :-) (phew, I dont have to give up astrology!)