None of us are crazy. At least I don't think we're crazy to fight for the ones we love. However, if I'm wrong and we are completely nuts, then I'm hoping we can all be on the same floor of the nut house. What a party that would be, eh?
Keep smiling and pedal that bike of yours as much as you can. The sweat is so theraputic and cleansing. We all need to become (or continue to be) exercise freaks so at least we'll be healthy as we continue to attack the windmill like ol' Don Quixote.
I'm just sure that d*mn windmill will eventually go down if I keep chargin' it.
Hey guys...had my friend on the phone again late last night, she was going on at me again, that I am delusional, that I should just leave him alone, as in, properly, cut off contact, maybe for a year, then we could be friends. She says I am not seeing what everyone else sees, that its over. She says I am making myself ill with all of this. She is saying dont make the mistakes I did.
She is wearing down my resolve, she is making me feel bad about my choices to "wait and see", its affecting my PMA, in fact after two convos with her and one with my Dad (similiar words, only angrier), my PMA is in the ground. They are only trying to help but they are trying to force me to "let go", give up, as my Dad says..move on. Its been 4 months now, you should be moving on and not thinking about him. I am getting this from all angles now, and its very wearing and upsetting. My sister still supports me, as she went through all of this (and her and her H reunited after a year).
I think to have nothing to do with him would be a bad idea, but then, it seems to me that he is just getting on with his life and moving on. I cant see any sign of hope from him. Maybe that change I saw coming was a change in me. I am getting people telling me over and over that I should give up and move on, and its not as if I am getting any encouragement from him. So maybe everyone is right. I shoud give up. Let him go.
Sorry, I have had friends and family giving me their "advice" and trying to help as they see me as not doing so well still. Its draining. I am not happy. I guess he could sense this too, although, I make a big effort to be happy around him, as I am generally pleased to see him, so its not hard.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I gave you a hint or two (everybody has told you the same things but it doesn't hurt to read them again), in my thread.
My friends were calling me nuts and pathetic 7 years ago. They are not this time, everybody is asking "what is your gut feeling telling you this time?" (I have their respect). Of course my new friends and colleagues are not that helpful (I am crazy for them). Stop talking to people that make you feel bad, NO MATTER what it is they say.
I think it may be time to not include the people that are unsupportive in your goal planning anymore. Not that you can't speak to them.. just don't speak to them about your sitch or your feelings about your BF. You are correct that they are not wanting to hurt you.. I'm sure they feel they are helping you.. but it is not their right to force their wants for you on you!
Take the time to figure out what it is you want. I assume you want to continue to stand for your R because you are still here.. and we on this BB want to help you move forward.. become the Ali you've always dreamed of being.. and the end result may also lure your BF back to you.. but if it doesn't you won't even care because you will be SO happy with you!
I have to get D2 up so we can get going.. work is beckoning!
Thanks w2g and kalni! I wanted to post as I have said before, I know your sitchs must be so so much harder with children involved,to keep going anyway for yourself, for them, to keep dealing with your WAS when you have that reminder every day of how could they leave me but this family, these children. I am in admiration of your strength in that. And financially too, yes things are hard for me, but I have a choice, I have no responsibilities so I could leave college and get a job (just had my Dad getting frustrated at me about this, he thinks I should drop out before I get more in debt -getting it from all angles!). My friend left me a message apologising in case she had upset me though...
I appreciate your words, I'm not sure I can keep up the face anymore, this DBing face. Eveyone talks about DBing being about you, your journey, making yourself happy etc...but that is a side effect of the process. The process is designed to improve your R or in the last resort, lure him back (and if not, so what as you will have made yourself happy anyway)?
I think essentially, this is my problem..I'm not happy. I am getting counselling and I dont want to go to the doctor, but if I did, I am sure he would say I was depressed. I have never suffered like this before in my life..my BF leaving like that when it was the very last thing I expected or wanted, it seems to have precipitated some crisis in me and pushed me into a hole that I am struggling to rise above from.
Hence, me saying its me that feels like the mouse in a trap, and that its my BF that looms over me, getting on with his life (but I dont thikn he is happy either). So, I need to sort this out. I just dont know how to ! I guess I need a holiday..in Greece!
Ali xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
(((((Ali))))) My friend, try to listen to Kalni, and take what she is saying to heart.
As far as your friend(s), and your dad. When they start in, tell them that you understand how they feel, but that you are choosing a different path for now, and that you would appreciate their support, rather than their criticism.
As far as YOU, we've been saying for a while that you should GAL. You've taken some baby steps there, but you seem to falter. But doing it might help get that look of desperation out of your eyes. And improve you whole outlook on life, and help chase away the depression you are feeling.
I asked this before, but I don't know that you really answered:
What do you want? What would getting there look like? How is that different than what exists now?
I think if you know those things, it might help you to really focus on the things you can do to make them come true.
Read Kalni's long post again. Really think about what she is saying. I think it can help a lot.
Hey Jeff...I remember you asked me that, but I wasnt sure how to answer!!
What I want? I want to get back with my BF (but not live together for a while, I think it is healthy he has his own place and own space right now). Just date. I would like us to go out and have fun in the way we werent really making the effort to since we movd away- go for coastal walks, go for drinks, meet friends for meals. Go on holiday (now I am happy to book flights).
What would getting there look like? He would have to agree to meet me in the evning for a drink, enjoy my company, agree to starting again with me, small baby steps (date once a week for example)...in the way we never did when we first got together (as we knew each other so well being best friends, we went straight into a R). But I cant see any sign of him wanting what I want. And I have tried to think about it in a reasoable way (as in not expecting him, or even wanting him to move home with me).
How is it different to now? Completely different.
I'm not sure what I've said here is what you were getting at. In the meantime, I need to get out and I will have to do it alone. I will have to try and go for walks or go to the beach alone, I cant really go for drinks/meals alone, but hey ho! I am looking to book a flight to go see my friend in Newcastle, so thats not dependent on him!
He emailed me just now to say he hoped I was having a nice time, that he was leaving work early and that he would call me at the weekend. So, yet again, keeping me informed of his movements, which is nice and I guess he doesnt have to do that?? Thanks for your support Jeff, it means alot !
Ali xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Ali, you sound pretty good today. And how you've thought all this out sounds great as well. I think I'm going to go back and re-read DR (again) and try to start fresh...to really get this DB'ing into play.
I am just catching up on your thread, and this caught my eye. I think your list of goal in your R sounds good and positive (can you add any you-related goals aswell?
I thought your list of baby steps was interesting and I wanted to ask you something.....
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenlyAlone
He would have to agree to meet me in the evning for a drink, enjoy my company, agree to starting again with me, small baby steps (date once a week for example)...
BF has to agree to meeting you in the evening and starting again with you..... Do you see yourself as driving this process, or do you see him driving the process? I think this is important as a distinction because although in DB we have to make changes in ourselves, we also have to be patient because the WAS is in turmoil (whether we SEE it or not). BF will have to see your changes and then will start taking steps towards you....any attempt to get him to agree to things will push him further away.
I hope I'm making sense and not sounding too harsh. I do understand what it's like to want changes quickly (I am well-known for impatience!). At the 4 month mark in my sitch, I also thought things were hopeless- nothing was moving. But 2 months later, I am getting baby steps.
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenlyAlone
But I cant see any sign of him wanting what I want. And I have tried to think about it in a reasoable way (as in not expecting him, or even wanting him to move home with me).
If BF wanted what you want, what would be the VERY FIRST sign of that? I don't mean sayng that he wants what you want, or suggesting trying again. It will be something subtle and tiny, like the flutter or a butterfly's wing. Once you have it in your mind, start looking out for it. It might be worth making a list; for example, on my list is that H might start to hold eye contact for longer than a 'friend' would. It's something that is tiny, but signals a change. In fact it's so tiny it was hardly noticeable at all!
I hope I'm not being too direct Ali- please feel free to 2x4 me if I am....
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
