So, going back to the friends thing briefly...one of my co-workers asked me at work last night whether I was back with my H. I said no. Her next question, are you dating? I said no. She said, why not, I would be! I said, I'm busy with school and other things. What I did not say was you are divorced and a self-titled pimp, you have a different guy every other month and have no problem calling guys for "booty calls", why on earth would I ever take relationship advice from you? However, that's certainly what was going through my head. The moral - take advice with a grain of salt and don't let others make the decision for you.
Also, I had to laugh at your dating history because that was pretty much what happened with H and I as well. We went from being friends to ML to living together in like a month. People would ask how long we'd been dating and I'd go back to our first kiss all the while thinking that we never really dated lol.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Good example Michelle! My family has started asking here and there what's going on and 'if you need a L' blah blah blah. NO ONE that I know of in my family has gone through this. My mom has told me to ignore them and do what I think is right for me and my family. It's hard for me too lately, but don't give up your hope if you're not ready to Ali!
This is not a 2x4, if I knew you better I would hit you with a 2x2, or 4x4 or 6x6 or whatever. But I don't want to cross any lines and hurt you. STILL, you asked for our thoughts, here are mine:
I am glad you answered to Jeff you feel you still love your BF because that was my first question to you. Now that we got that straight let's think about some staff:
You decided you will fight for this R and will do whatever works. And it seems that you ended up here, as we all did, because DBing sounded that it would work for you too.We are all giving our best shots and hoping we will get what we are longing for.
I am sure you believe you are doing the best you can but baby, the way I see it you aren't. There is no GALING towards him and Galing for you. There is only one galing, for ALI. You keep coming up with excuses every time someone says you should take care of yourself more or you should enjoy your self more... BUT NO, you choose to live your life as an incomplete person hoping to attract back to you, another incomplete person ASAP.
You are obviously a smart caring, tender, strong woman. You invested a lot during these 9 years and you had the end of the movie already in script, a nice house, kids running around etc etc. And this is not the way it went so far, someone decided not to play along, someone felt that he needed to take care of "his business". What do you do?
You give up or fight for your dream. You don't lose focus every time a GF says something to you, you don't break down every time the phone rings 2 min later than anticipated by you, you don't get discouraged every time he emails 3 less words than the previous time.
What is your goal? Focus on it. Walk with your back straight and attract your future to you, your dream to you, stop chasing it around like a puppy dog. Don't question your decision to fight every step of the way; you are going back and forth driving yourself CRAZY. Don't you see that? Your moods are like "a heartbeat line" and should be a straight line going upwards. You are on panic mode all the time, happy or sad it is still a panic mode; you are missing positive steps and focusing on small details...This way you can't have a clear sight of your situation and that may lead you to wrong decisions.
You believe he can't see through your "happy galling Ali mask"? Sorry but you are wrong, you may say all the right things, give or take a comma, you may act the way the book says, but you smell differently. I bet you your eyes are telling him "come back to our old life, the one you think you hated, come on, hurry up, I am lost without you, why did you break my bubble, why did you have to be weak, I am here ready to start were we left off, I had dreams of us starting a family, come back, do you hear ME????????". Can you feel the pressure on him?
4 months? So what? I am separated 4 months, my H left me with the most horrible words echoing in my ears, having to care about two small kids and their psychological state (even if I wanted to quit I would HAVE to reconsider just for them, no free will here- just "free willy the whale") and right when I thought things were looking up for us. Future? Do you know many men that would like to raise my kids as if they were their own? Money difficulties? You ask me...My life changed so much.
You say I sound strong, well let me break the news to you: I have to wake up every morning and pretend he is on a trip, I have to sleep every night listening to my kids prayers for their dad to come home and yes day by day I get stronger, because I can't control anybody else, just me. I am breaking down and I am ashamed of myself when I do. There is no other option. I've tried the crying and the drama queen scenario (you are too a drama queen just as Essie said, don't deny it) did it help me? No!!! I was loosing him with light speed...
I had to regroup fast because we were signing separation documents about custody and money. I was screaming at him on the phone calling him names as loud as I could and the next morning I was -almost-the Kalni you've met. I made a strategic choice. I put my feelings to sleep, made them numb as good as I could, (getting better) and said I am risking everything, time, efforts, my sanity, my heart, my everything. I'll do what seems/feels to be unnatural since what came natural to me didn't work.
I still have a long way to go before I finally give up or make it. But guess what, in the meantime I am no longer scared. I am OK with anything that comes my way. Sure I'll cry my eyes out the day we sign our D papers (if we do), sure there will be a hole in my heart forever but I am not afraid of that. Don't think that I am over him big time, BS!! I am desperately in love with him. And I will fight as a hyena to get him back but I will fight wisely. Save my energy, protect myself, enjoy the fight...
Ali STOP REACTING, start acting for you. If he is going to come back, he won't come back because you answered an email fast enough or smart enough, you are not going to lose him if you miss a phone call, if you learn again to have fun by yourself or with friends. If you plan your weekends excluding him, if you just let go for a while... You can't make him want you in any other way than attract him to you. And you won't attract him if you are not feeling good about yourself and your choices. It's simple.
Just my 2 cents (as everybody here says)
Take care and I hope you still talk to me
Kalni
Ps Sorry I drifted about my sitch, but I can only tell you what works for me. PS Sorry it was long PS Sorry If you feel I am not "getting you" because I do more than you can tell (us fish have strong intuition, you know) PS You know I care for you and hate to see you loosing it PS fantasizing about my prize in my bed...
Love what Kalni had to say! - Very in-sightful, honest and caring because she wants the best for you Ali. (Re-read Kalni's post)
You've lost that cool attitude that you had on Sunday, that BF is the one missing out on you.
P.S I dont think you are a drama queen... maybe a bit dramatic, but that's not a bad thing - I like a bit of excitement in my friends! (((ALI)))
OK - I hope that you've got that kisses on the neck aren't working - good points for trying it, but dont go there any more.
And I'm kind of thinking that it would be good for you to work out a way to get home by yourself, at the time that suits you, so that you dont have to rely on BF for a lift home. Shows that you are strong and independent, and that your not begging for more rejection. Then you can ring BF and say in a cheery voice "Oh dont worry about the lift home I've worked out that it will be better for me to do xyz (catch the bus, hitch-hike, be driven back by a sexy new man etc)". Then BF can be a bit sad and realise that he was looking forward to talking to you on the trip home and he misses you, and that will be a motivation for him to step towards you in the coming weeks.
You are fabulous Ali - wish I could be there to give you a big hug and see how hot you are looking.
Hope you have a really fun weekend! And you focus on yourself and what makes you happy! - You deserve it!
I think what Kalni said was wonderful. It may be a bit of tough love, but it is love for sure. We all agree that Ali needs to do what Ali decides to do. However, you need to be steadfast in your focus and goals. Do that, and you'll be able to survive the lowest of lows.
Hey Kalni! Of course I am still talking to you! You are a smart woman and thankyou, so much, for taking the trouble to post me so much heartfelt honesty and I really needed this "pep" talk. I have been struggling so much this past week.
About GALing, I do genuinely find it difficult. I am not an extrovert, I am an introvert and also a bit shy and maybe, him leaving has made it hard for me to pick myself up and get out there. But I am going to try harder, I have to as my life is no life right now. I am home and seeing a few friends, but it doesnt feel like home anymore. But home down South doesnt feel like home either as it was my home with him and we had hardly just settled there when he left, so I dont feel quite right anywhere. Nothing feels right.
I love what you said about not giving up after a GF discourages you (you too Michelle !!)..I just had this GF on the phone again, getting mad at me for "wasting my time" and saying it wasnt fair on him, I should let him go and respect his decision that its over. I do think she has a rather negative and bitter attitude to men, so am trying to tune it out.
Also,yuo are right about my mood! Up and down, panicking, driving myself crazy. I almost cant take another minute of it. I do hate drama, but I agree, I can be dramatic with my emotions and its not healthy. I need to learn to cope better with the ups and downs of all this, or I need to back away and stop doing it, as at the moment I am just suffering.
I am interested when yuo say you took a strategic decision - as I did, I havent mentioned R talks since before Christmas, but unlike you I am still afraid. I'm afraid that I have lost something precious, that I drove it away, that I will never have kids...but yuo make me see that I need to be stronger, to have more courage, to stand tall and believe in myself more (whether or not he comes back). I understand, I just need to try and achieve that PMA! I havent had a very good PMA all along.
Lastly, again you mention I dont see the positive steps. I do, I just dont think they are steps toward a new R, I just thikn they are the natural result of two people who were always the best of friends and maybe it is hard for him to let go of that, as much as it is for me (not as much!), but that doesnt mean therefore that he would want to get back together with me, I dont see that leap. Its like that thing about archeologists and historians trying to prove that there was a man called Jesus who walked the earth. Maybe, but that doesnt mean therefore that he was the son of God. The two things are not connected, that is a leap of imagination. You cannot say because of X, therefore Y. Thats how I see it. I dont see positive steps back in a line toward me (wobbly or otherwise Jeff!), I just see steps leading up to a wall. The one he put up last August, its still there. It hasnt lowered by even a brick, not EMOTIONALLY.
He may be making contact,but I still get nothing from him emotionally. He treats me in a very "matey" way. Its as though he never loved me, there are no traces of it left as far as I can see. I long for a friend to tell me he is miserable because he wont see me on my birthday, but I know this wouldnt happen.
I will carry on fighting, but yuo are so right Kalni and thankyou.. I need to fight smarter. Stop obsessing over the little details and get out there and make some friends ! Thankyou once again, please repeat these lessons to me if yuo have time as I are flaying around with this stuff ((((Kalni))))
Ali xxxxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Essie.. I did consider this. I was thikning of getting the train (�100!) and almnost wanted to tell him I am no longer here for my lift. But he is on a stag do with his best friend Saturday nigth and I am staying there with his W! We are going to get drunk ;-) so I will be there when he drops his friend back the next day and I just think it would be easier to accept the lift home. I'm not sure I could actually turn it down, sadly.
And then...I may have to think about how I want to be from next week, from my birthday onwards. Or learn to cope with it better, as every little communication kills me all over again! And makes me sad. And yes Kalni, I wear a mask and although he doesnt have our intuition (!) he may well see through it, yes.
Thanks Michelle, Dar, Essie, Kalni, RTL...I guess you are all on my side! That means a lot to me, as friends start to tell yuo to give up, you need someone to reassure you your not crazy ! But how yuo can all tell me these wonderful things about how good a person I sound, I am so touched..and I thought I sounded like an unhinged nutcase in my posts! But yes, I thought I was a very positive thing in my BF life and he was lucky to have me, as I was to have him and I think he is a fool for ditching me ! :-)
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
