...I just had my best friend on the phone and she is beginning to think I am nuts, that all this is just making me ill, that I am delusional. She says of course he will offer to do stuff for you, he's just being a friend to you now and its nothing more than that. Its been over for a long time for him. He first felt this way in June last year..he told you at the end of August he wanted space..he told you in September that he wasnt sure you had a future together..so for him, he may have been feeling no love for you since las summer, that is a very long time ago and is all long gone for him. She said that I am fooling myself, that why cant I respect his decision? Why do I keep thinking that he may be mistaken or have doubts? Clearly he hasnt, hes never shown a shred of doubt or regret. She said she is only saying these things to help me as she sees me in pain. She said she did this with her exBF and hung on for over a year and it was all a waste of time and negative and did her no good at all and just wasted over a year of her life. She doesnt want me to make the same mistake and thinks...I should cut off contact with him and maybe we can be friends in a years time.
Its very difficult to listen to this and makes me feel bad about my choices. I havent had word from him or anyone that he has the slightest doubt or regret so I can see why she would say this?
Ali x _________________________ Me: 36 H: 34 LT: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Your BF may not be in love w/ you any more, but that isn't a bad thing. Remember, your R is not going to be the same as it was. He may have to travel down the path of friend again then back to falling in love again.
He will have the opportunity to fall in love w/ you again if you keep DBing. However, remember you have no control over what he will or won't do. Unfortunately, we can't control or have any say over what our partners will or won't do. That is the hard part.
But, we have to remember that DBing is for us, not for them. We are DBing to improve ourselves 1st and to give our loved ones the opportunity to choose to look at us and see our changes. They may or they may not. The one thing that is certain is things will never change for us if we are not DBing.
DBing is the only way we have a chance to save our Rs. Unfortunately, we may have to move on, but if that is the case, we'll at least move forward as better people.
Keep going and let your BF have the chance to continue to come back to you. I can see him making great strides. It would be nice if his steps were bigger, but he does appear to be moving toward you.
My kids are all over me, but YOU wait! I'll get back here once they are asleep. I'll try first to think of what I want to tell you in greek and then I need to translate. We need to have a serious talk, girlfriend...
What does your heart tell you to do? Do you want to stand strong and see where the DB path leads you? Do you want to give up and walk away? You are obviously still in love with BF and DBing will bring about positive changes in you that he may take notice of. If he does, it could transform your relationship into something more than it is now. If he doesn't notice, you will be able to bring the stronger Ali into new relationships.
What is your goal....and is what you are doing bringing you closer to your goal?
Think about it.
Hugs!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
I think if your BF really had no feelings for you aside from the "friend" feelings he would be looking to quickly separate your joint property investments.. and he is not doing this. It would be a perfect opportunity for him to be absolutely free of you and your relationship connection and HE'S NOT DOING THAT.. which to me implies he still wants to be TIED to you in some way.
I think he is just wrestling with his own demons and wants to do it in his own space and his own time..
Hi everyone, I really do need some perspective from you all, its hard to understand the things about him I was describing over page...Yes I am still in love with him and I certainly want to wait. I dont think I am doing well with the Dbing (ok toward him but no so good with the GALing etc) and I feel tired and lonely and despondent and havent really got my life going since he left 4 months ago. I struggled living where we do now, and being at college with mostly 20 year olds (who are v sweet, but young). But also, I have been rather depressed and my confidence has nose dived since he left me and was so adamant about it. So, yes I want to wait..but wait for what? And I am suffering daily, I find it very agonising. I just miss him.
Thing about the house - he has always been rubbish with finances and I am not convinced that him being happy to remortgage is a sign that he secretly wants to stay tied to me, I think he is just happy to keep the house ticking over as he may know I love it and wouldnt want to sell it..and hes put me through enough? Althugh he is happy to sell his Dads...maybe he would be happy to sell our house if I asked him? (I wouldnt dare!!). You could be right thogh, its a sign of something that he is more than happy to remortgage and keep our "marital" home, but I am not sure.
Secondly, I did email him at near work end and he wrote staright back saying his appraisal was dicey, but ok, that he did see his best mate last night and got a bit drunk but it was cool and he asked me if I was now at my parents place (dont know why he asked me that).I replied saying yes I was at my parents but wanted to get out of here soon ad going for a drink and getting drunk sounded great to me right now! (as in, hinting). He didnt reply, althogh he had emailed me at 5.10 and I replied at 5.15 - he may have already left work, or he may have ignored it?
I had high hopes for today..and nothing has materialised, the sitch is not looking very optimistic at all...
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I don't know about where you live Ali, but it's starting to get really nice out here now. I have also been very bad at DB'ing...like you, I'm pretty ok w/H but not with my own things to do. BUT, now that it's getting nice out, I'm hoping that helps me go and GAL....bike ride, walks, play at the park with D, etc etc. Maybe it's the weather on top of BF being gone that's brought you down?
