I agree Kalni. I think it's very hard to see what's going on in your own sitch but can see more clearly in others sitches. Strange but I do believe that to be true.
My goodness you can close a thread, can't you? Well, now that I've found you again, I'll get caught up as soon as I can. I'd do it now, but I have my D w/ me and I'm just swiping a minute during a milk run.
I'm up early today so I was able to catch up on you. First of all, Kalni is ABSOLUTELY correct when she says that it is very difficult for you to realize the positives that are going on in your R. Your BF has made tremendous progress back toward you, but it is far easier for us here on the outside, w/out the emotional attachment, to see it. We understand that and that is why we keep posting to give you encouragement (or in the case of Jeff, offer to provide some punishment to keep you focused).
You said one thing I want to address:
Quote:
I do have higher expectations, as the contact increases, you are right T and Kalni, and then its agonising all over again when he withdraws.
Unfortunately, having any expectations is a killer. Having expectations means you are going to be let down b/c there is no way any of our partners can meet what we'd like to expect from them right now. So, the sad thing is you have to lower the bar way, way down. It has to be so low that they can step over it w/ little to no effort.
Once you do that (and believe me, I'm not good at taking my own advice here), then every little thing they do will seem like a gift. You'll be able to appreciate their small steps b/c you weren't expecting any steps at all.
How do you get there? I don't know exactly except to try on a daily basis to put stop signs up to your negative thoughts and keep telling yourself over and over to not expect anything from him today.
There is no magic cure or else we'd all have taken it by now. In the end, there is nothing more than that phrase we all hate to hear "you have to be patient and wait."
The waiting is the hardest part. I'm with you on this one, Ali, but you are doing very well w/ BF. Maybe you'll be able to expect nothing for your birthday and be shocked w/ whatever he is able to give.
Take care and for Heaven's sake -- KEEP GOING! RTL
Hey everyone..thank you for your kind words. I see what you mean everyone that its so much easier to have perspective on someone elses sitch, its much harder in your own. I still find it surprising that you all do see mine as positive.I think the problem is, its me thats living it and I havent been having such a great time, the journey was agonising to be honest. He seems quite confident and self-assured and just so...separate to me. It was like he had forgotton the last 9 years, he wasnt responding to me like someone I was with all that time and even described things about himself a few times, as though I hadnt known him 12 years and dont know what he is like !?
It was strange, which I would appreciate a view on. When he arrived to collect me, he was very agitated about work. He "downloaded" about it for the first 45 mins. He was very angry about people at work and his boss, I've never seen him so aggressive and wound up about work. He has an appraisal today, which he was very stressed about. He apologised for being angry and frenetic and when I said, is that because of work?, he said, no I'm like it all the time arent I. He said he was stressed and wound up all the time.
So the other wierd thing was, he said several things about himself, sort of explaining his personality to me, as though I dont know him. It was very odd, he said about liking to read maps and follow towns on a journey..I was so surprised that I couldnt help saying, I know you are like that, you always used to do that when I was driving..and he then said yeah, we never got bored in cars when we were kids...and sort of threw it back to his childhood. He also said a couple of other negative things about himself and I couldnt help saying "but you're not like that at all??". After this, I didnt know what to say and was therefore quite quiet. I just asked him lots of neutral questions and he responded well and seemed fine with me, normal.
He was very worried when he found out I was unsure where I was staying and kept insisting I made phonecalls..as in the end he said he was going to see his best friend and "well, its just I really wanted to see him on my own"...as though I would expect to go with him! Which I wasnt. He then absolutely insisted on driving me 40 mins out of his way (and making him late) to drop me at my best friends house.
When he said goodbye, he bent and gave me a big hug, but he didnt linger as long. I kissed his neck again, but he just stepped back, so I'm not sure how he felt about it. He then got in the car looking sad, or guilty, or something, saying he would call me, or text me today (he hasnt yet).
So all in all, I didnt get the impression he has any change of heart at all, in fact, he seems further from me than ever. So I genuinely am confused and not coping well in this sitch, its very very painful. In the car, I felt very emotional, full of love for him, it was agonising not being able to touch him, and yet he SEEMED so unaffected by my prescence. He seems strong and sure of himself and I felt weak and shy and so unconfident.
So Kalni and Jeff, RTL and all of you, you really do see that I should be grateful and that there are positives. But from where I am standing, it is clearly over for him and I am just putting myself through daily agony. It hurt so much last night, I cant tell you. Its incomprehensible to me, but he just doesnt seem to love me anymore.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
...just remembered some other wierd things he said. I admitted I got my college assessment day wrong, it wasnt Monday but today. He got all worried for me and said, why didnt you tell me? He almost suggested turning back around and offered to try and rearrange work so we could leave the next afternoon instead, but I kept insisting that he didnt have to that for me and I didnt want to put him out. Later in the journey he then said, oh but if its not Monday, we could stay up here (its my birthday Monday) and how he would try and rearrange work so he could drive us back Monday late instead of Sunday, which would be tricky, but he said he would try. Again I said no, you dont have to do that (this would be 180 behaviour, if we were at all "together" which we are not). Same on his concern for where I would stay and the lift to my friends, I'd arranged to get the bus, but he wouldnt hear of it, he said of course I will drive you, its not even up for discussion! So I thanked him.
What does all this sound like...random acts of kindness? Guilt? Anyone I have asked says the same thing..well, thats him, he always was a nice kind bloke. And he was to me. So its not out of character.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
(((((Ali))))) Could it possibly be that he is nice to you because he likes you?
I'm not going to say too much, because I'd just be repeating myself, and you already know what I'm going to say anyway! Look at now, and compare it to Christmastime. Do you see anything different?
Jeff is right....what has changed since Christmas? Can you look back and see how far you really have come? Hope the trip is going well. Keep us posted!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
