I know I know...but thats under the assumption that he WANTS to come back to me. And thats my point, I just dont see any sign of it. He seems resolutely sticking to his path. He is a very fixed person, when he makes up his mind, thats it. Sorry Jeff, I know I must sound like a stuck record, but I just cant stand it. I am a patient person, honestly I am, its just that I dont see any hope. I know he has been keeping in contact alot, but then we were friends for 3 years before we got together and for half of that we were the best of friends, and used to meet for lunch every day. So maybe, for him, it has reverted to that and he meant what he said when he told me "I love you like a mate now"?
I wish someone would teleport me into the future for a sneaky peak. Its living with this unrelenting uncertainty that is doing my head in. My friend says, well you dont have uncertainty, you know whats going on, its over, and until he says otherwise, thats all there is to it.
Suppose she has a point !
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Ignore your friends for now when they say things like that. Just smile and bite your tongue since they don't know. They've never been in your sitch. I used to always say "if H ever cheated on me, I'd be outta here". Well, look at me, I'm still here and standing since it's not always about the wrong doings.
I was thinking about your sitch after I posted last. And I think maybe this is the confusing part. I think you are eager to go back to what you already had with BF. BUT... that's not really how it works, from what I understand. You are actually going to need to create a new relationship, starting from scratch. That will also give you both a chance to integrate all of your own personal changes into your new R. If you both went back to the old R and started living out the same patterns, that old R would probably be too small for both of you, who have grown and changed for the better. So focus on creating a new R... especially the PACING of a new R.
For example, if you had a first date with someone that went the way your day with BF went this past weekend, how would you feel? He kept extending the date over and over and you had a great time. He asked to be part of your trip home. You would probably be walking on air. And also not be expecting to see him every single day. If you were starting over with someone new, maybe you would see him once a week, or every other week, if he wasn't out of town. After a couple weeks or even months of that, maybe it would become twice or three times a week. You know what I'm saying? Can you adjust your expectations accordingly?
Just because he's not GALing is no excuse! Get out there and GAL, Ali! It will really help stabilize you.
Good news about the possible offer on the flat. And also that BF doesn't want to sell and instead wants to remortgage. I think that is a good sign.
I know I am probably being a pain in the butt! (((ALI))) T
P.S. One of the best things I ever read on this site was "Do NOT listen to what your friends say unless they have also saved their M (or R) from crisis."
Well, I do realise we would enter into a new R, you are right...its exactly what I wanted all along. I was well aware of his hidden nature, that he was a people pleaser, that he wore a mask to others (and to some extent me)..I just never realised the full extent of the mask he was wearing to me also. I encouraged him to be more assertive, think of himself, follow his dreams, take more control, be more decisive...I just didnt think he would do all those things and leave me in teh process !! So, I would be more than happy to have a new more balanced R with him, if only he would give me the chance..
Good point about the date analogy..but, I'm a bit of an all or nothing. My last BF, I met him Saturday, we had our first date Sunday at the end of which we had realised we were in love and I moved in on Monday (I kid you not!). When that ended, my current BF, who was my friend but already declared his love for me, came round that same day and we were "together" half an hour later. I dont mess around when it comes to love! I've never ever dated. I fall in love, I move in. I am older and wiser and I wouldnt behave like this again...I just want my BF back !! (oh that old chestnut).
Thinking of my R history, I'm laughing, I guess thats not the usual way its done! But bless you for taking the trouble to explain to me yet again that I need to be more PATIENT !!!!
My friend has a very bad R history. She had to get the last BF carted away by Police as she caught him looking at teenage porn (!) and the BF before that broke her nose. So, yes, I suspect her negative view of men and R may be colouring her advice to me somewhat :-) She's lovely though, and calls me 3 times a day when I am down, shes one in a million.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Sounds pretty clear to me that your BF is struggling with some feelings of depression and he's overwhelmed by stressors pretty easily at this time. Think about how it is actually likely to be stressful or at least anxiety provoking at some level for him to connect with you. I don't imagine it is easy--even though clearly part of him wants to connect very much. I say this because it could help cast some light on why he seems so back and forth with you. To expect him to be able to be stable, grounded, emotionally open, and consistently moving his end of the relationship forward with you each time you connect is probably too much at this point--not because this wouldn't be a wonderful thing--but because his struggles within himself make it hard. Please don't take this all on as just being about you!
You are strong, Ali--even though you maybe don't feel like it sometimes! Tell us about your plans for your birthday trip home...a nice opportunity for self care and gentle GAL? : )
Thanks Purr and IMP and Jeff and Kalni and Dar and T.. and well, I thikn I owe the board an apology, I havent been much use lately, I just feel a bit wound up and nervous. We've had some more short matey emails..in fact, he emailed me at 8.45 this morning! So thats a first. He called me at 9.30 yesterday and the day before that he emailed at 9.30. Nothing earth shattering, I'm not getting little signs that I wish I was that Kalni is getting (fellow Piscean!) so I continue to look at the sitch rathly bleakly.
But I think all this stuff with the tenants as well, its just making it hard for me to give much here to all of you, so I am sorry. Plus, my best friend turned up at my door unexpectedly and then was in tears about his Dad dying 7 years ago and also, his W (the one he hit) keeps calling, and she was on the phone saying she was fed up he wasnt home yet, just as he knocked on my door !! So something really wierd going on there, they are involving me in their M. I am waffling here...just saying that everything feels chaotic right now. My other best friend is in a bad way with her abusive H and rang me in whispers last night.
So...with all this going on, its hard to just be serene and GAl and act as if and be patient and all that other great stuff. My life feels like a circus ! I will try and just enjoy the journey home with my BF. He just emailed to say we are leaving soon, feel sick with nerves! I feel that this is a make or break week for us.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hey Kalni!! Thanks and yes! I do see the progress in your sitch as positive...I was going to post this on yours, but seeing as you asked here... you had word from your H that he is miserable without you and other positibe words he said to your frined... well he did this as Mars turned around and went into cancer (the sign of the family and of home) and whatever is initiated this week wil be the seeds that grow and may come to fruition by May 9th... I already told a friend of mine ages ago that I will either be in love again by May 9th or I will give up !!!
So my prediction for you is, keep going and building on this great start in your boirthay week (like him coming to the doctors with you).
My BF just emailed to say no, he will drive over here and pick me up and then we leave...this adds 40 minutes to his journey, but he was sure its what he wanted to do. So like your H, is that a random act of kindness or a sign of something more??? I dont know !
Feeling very nervous...normally I would shove on jeans and a top and stripey socks for a car journey..hmm..dont think thats quite going to cut it !!?? Wish me luck, my stomach is somersaulting.
It will be ok once we are on the road and listening to some music, I am sure.
I havent got anywhere to stay tonight !! (oh dear). My parents are on holiday and not back till late (dont know whenb, could be 2am) and my friend cant put me up now as she told her H they may D unless he goes to MC and he is now on the sofa..so I dont know where I will get my BF to drop me, but could be potentially embarrressing. Wish me luck,
Ali xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Ali, I suppose you were too excited and missed my point tottally.
(I am not seeing my steps as positive, DO YOU YOURS?)
I was not asking you to give me your Astrological help, I was telling you that we don't have the whole picture when we are IN a situation. I meant that the same way I am not happy with my progress because I don't see it as clearly as the others do, YOU DO NOT SEE THE POSITIVE IN YOURS!!!
Got it? GOOD LUCK!!! Get back to us with good news... (or at least neutral)
