WAW's PA over, but still wants Divorce

[Hope4us]

Here's my situation. Me - 47, WAW - 47. 2 Boys, 19 & 15. WAW started affair Mar 07. I discovered it 9/4/07. WAW refused to quit affair. I exposed to OMW on 11/13. OMW says OM ended affair early Dec. Don't think WAW thought in her mind affair was over until early Feb....WAW still claims OM has nothing to do with our "problems" and wants a divorce.

That's the short version. I'll add some details..

We relocated for work in Nov 06. WAW and I both work for the same company. When I got transferred, company found WAW a job with our company but at a different location about 15 miles from where I work.

Shortly after our move, WAW starts talking about this "fun" guy at work. Didn't bother me much as WAW has always had more men friends than women friends. She talks more and more about this guy and then I find cell records that she's calling him first thing in the mornings, late at night or when I'm not around. I confront her and tell her it's making me nervous. "He's just a friend". Yep. She quits the calls but starts going out by herself more often. We always enjoyed shopping together, going out to bars, dinner, etc. Now all of the sudden she wants to do this by herself. Red Flag, but I trusted her.

Fast forward to August, after many discussions about her involvement with OM, my concerns, etc WAW tells me I don't have to worry about him because he's moving 300 miles away to a different job with our company. The night of his going away party she leaves work at 2:00 and comes home after midnight and I get the ILYBNILWY. Couple weeks later I see a text from him that leaves no doubt of the affair. I confront WAW and she admits it but refuses to stop.

Next couple months she would take off everyother weekend and go see him. Some of the "off" weekends he would drive up here. Like I said, 11/13 I got ahold of OMW and exposed to her. OM is a POS. This is his 4th or 5th affair that his wife knows about for sure or is pretty sure he's had. He's also an alcoholic, verbally abuses his kids and wife, has physically abused his wife in the past. 2 of his 3 kids can't stand him. OM and wife live 1000 miles apart as he's a contractor who moves from job to job every couple years.

Like I said, OMW is pretty sure OM broke off the affair in early Dec. I don't think it was over in WAW's mind until late Jan/early Feb. That's when I got the "I want a divorce" speech. WAW claims our problems have nothing to do with OM. She never realized how unhappy she was until, yep, you guessed it, she started the affair. She's never loved me, EVERY time we've ML in our whole marriage it was just sex to her. I'm controlling, I dominate conversations, I've caused the mid-east crisis, Hurricane Katrina was my fault...you get the picture. I realize now that I have contributed to some problems in our marriage, but we did have a GOOD marriage. Everyone that knows about this is just amazed because they thought we were the perfect couple. Never fought, WAW and I would take a couple trips a year to Fla without the kids so we could stay connected, etc. Always did everything together, were each others best friends. Over the last couple of years before our move I was traveling for work quite a bit (in the year right before the move I was probably gone 3 weeks a month, but home on weekends and there was one stretch in there I was gone for 7 weeks without being home). WAW did make a comment a week ago about no one paying attention to her which I know was directed at me. I'm assuming that's what OM did, pay attention to her when she was lonely because of my work and bam, affair off and running.

When WAW told me she wanted a divorce I told her that she could file if she wanted to, but I would not do anything to help her along. I also told her I would tell the kids that I wasn't ok with the divorce and that WAW was just that, walking away without even trying.

I found DB about 2 weeks ago. I had been doing a few of the techniques without even knowing what they were.

So here we are. WAW rarely communicates with me even though we still live in the same house. She sleeps on the couch and doesn't wear her rings, both of these since late Sept. Prior to exposure to OMW she was at least civil to me. Now it's like we're separated but living in the same house. So the last couple weeks I've been GAL, using the LRT, no R talk, acting like I'm moving on, with or without her, no ILY's, nothing. WAW hasn't mentioned divorce for about 4 weeks now, but there's been a couple of things I've seen that make me think she's just getting her ducks in a row before filing.

Ok, now you know the story. Here's what has been going on between us the last couple weeks. After WAW says she wants a divorce and I tell her she can do that if she wants, but I won't help, she actually started responding to me some. Not much, but in DB terms, there were some baby steps. She has been making dinner for us, cleaning, sometimes, just sometimes she'll do something that shows me there is still something there. Then last Thurs, all of the sudden she's back to not saying a single WORD to me. Even if I say something to her I don't get a response or if I do, it's a one word answer. Did she contact OM again so her WD from the POS is starting over? Who knows?

So, Friday night I went to a indoor soccer game, then out for a couple of drinks with the team. Last night I took DS15 to a friends house for the night. On my way out I asked WAW if she wanted me to bring her anything home for dinner as I was going out. She said "where you going"? When I told her she replied "no, I'll be ok". She almost seemed disappointed when I said I was going out. When I got home about 9:30 she was already down for the night on the couch with all the lights off, except for the t.v. I told her goodnight, as always and got no response as usual.

Is the 180/LRT working? Is her shutting down last Thurs a result of those? Is that a good sign? Today is our anniversary and I got her a card and a small thing of chocolates. In the card I just said "happy anniversary" and nothing more.

Any comments are appreciated. I'm thinking of calling a DB coach to see what they think my course of action should be.

[tryingman109]

We're very close in our situations as far as living "together" and the divorce possibility. In my case I'm the one on the couch.
Mine too is threatening D, but she hasn't filed yet. I said the exact same things you did about not supporting it.

Glad you're posting here. I only started again recently and I already feel better and have gotten some great advice.

What's really eating at you the most right now? It helped me to talk about some of the specific stresses/fears I was dealing with (pick 1 or 2 to start) and begin getting them under control. They were consuming me. The people here have been great!
How are you feeling physically? Sleeping? Eating?

[Hope4us]

Thanks Try.

What bugs me the most I guess is that one day WE were extremely happy and along comes the OM and now I'm the anti-christ. It bugs me that she "thinks" the kids will be ok. But in my sitch, WAW's parents divorced when she was 8 months, her mom remarried when she was 4, WAW hated her step-dad, mom and step dad divorced about 14 years ago, WAW's older brother and sister are divorced. Her younger brother is still married, but his wife has lived either in an apartment or thier basement since six months after their wedding. How do you convince someone who came from that kind of family that divorce is harmful to kids? If it wasn't for my kids I'd have left a long time ago. I just can't do that to them without trying everything in my power to save this marriage. It just kills me that they are so happy and well adjusted and this will destroy them and she doesn't care. My DS15 said to me about a month ago, he just wishes we could go back to when we were all happy. I told him I want nothing more than that also.

What REALLY eats at me is the re-writing of the martial history. She's never loved me, everytime we've ML our whole marriage it was only sex to her, she's been miserable for years and years but didn't know it until OM came along, cause she really LOVES him. Yeah, serial cheatin (4 or 5 times his wife knows about), alcoholic, family abuser and THAT'S LOVE. And she hates me for telling OMW. Like she's entitled to have an affair and I'm the bad guy because as soon as his wife found out he went running back to her. Why can't WAW figure out he was just using her? Is she that f'd up? Give me a frickin break. WAW acknowledges that I'm a good financial provider, good dad for our kids, make her feel comfortable, make her feel safe, good in bed (but it was just sex), do more than my fair share of the domestic chores, etc, but she's not "in love" with me. WAW is just one of those people who thinks if she doesn't feel the "infatuation" kind of feeling, it's not love. She even said to me when I found about about the affair that "maybe I watch too many movies".

Physically, I've lost 80 lbs, and I wasn't that heavy to begin with. More of a lineman type build. WAW has even said I need to quit losing weight. I've begun sleeping better, but I still wake up at 3:30 most mornings because I go to bed so early. Sleep is the only time I don't hurt, and sometimes that doesn't work because I dream.

Our DS19 is a sophmore in college. He wants us to buy him a car. I'm going to tell WAW in the next couple days that I'm not buying a car for him if she plans on filing for divorce. I'm not going into more debt that will make paying for college even more difficult if we separate. I know it's probably not good to get her to stay home just for financial reasons, but I figure if I can get her to see that makes sense then I have two years to DB and get her to see the light. I'll just have to make sure I present it in a way that makes her think I'm not controlling her, cause everyone knows I've made her life a living he!! with our 3 trips to Fla per year, big house in a prime subdivision, all the clothes she desires, new cars every couple years....

[tryingman109]

Her seeing the kids as being fine after - Check.
You worried about hurting the kids - Check.
Re-writing - Check.
Not "in love" - Check.

That was some good venting. It's all frustrating. Try to see it as her in pain and her mind's way of dealing with it. She may say your marriage was never good, but you KNOW that's not true. That right there tells you she's hurting and only focusing on the negative.

I know it's awful to go through. I wish I had answers for you, but I'm in the same boat. I can only tell you what helps me deal with it. Find a positive path for yourself that you really believe in and stick to it. They have to go through this on their own, but you don't have to quit on her or the kids. It's really hard, but you have to hold yourself to the vows if you expect her to.

[Hope4us]

Thanks Try, My vows are the reason I'm sticking with it. I know it's not very DB, but in one of our discussions I said to WAW "I don't remember my vows being, I promise to love, honor and cherish you forsaking all others, until something better comes along".

I know that didn't sit well with WAW, and the OM is DEFINITELY not better, but in her f'd up mind, he is.

I truly understand what she's going through, but it's just so painful for everyone involved. I've told her I understand how it can happen and how difficult it'll be for her to go through letting the OM go (the affair is over as best I can tell), but she won't talk to me about it (or anything else for that matter) period. She's distanced herself from all her friends that have told her she's f'd up and now only gets support from some twit at work (who is mid-20's and no kids) who married her husband 66 days after meeting him and then filed for divorce one week past their one year anniversary. This twit is now "in love" with someone new only a couple months after filing for divorce from her husband. And this is the "person" who WAW is getting martial advise from. How can a 47 y.o. woman with 2 kids take advise from that?

I don't know. Sometimes these last 4 weeks I see signs of WAW responding to me, but then something happened between last Wed night (when she actually said good night to me for the first time in 6 months) and Thurs morning. Prior to Thurs there were little things happening that showed me some glimmer of hope and then since Thurs she's reverted back to not saying hardly anything to me. I'm wondering if Thurs at work she contacted OM again and he blew her off (he's trying to save his marriage and admitted to his wife that it was a mistake and will do anything she wants so she doesn't divorce him) so now she's mad at me again for screwing that up?

I guess I'll just keep plugging along and detaching and see where it goes.

[tryingman109]

Keep plugging, that's all you can do.

It's very easy to get upset thinking about the "reasoning" behind things. Fact is they don't see it like we do (right now?) and you'll drive yourself nuts trying to figure it out, or even worse trying to convince her.

The ups and downs are very rough. Each day could bring a glimmer of hope or a crushing setback, and these are most likely only perceptions of ours anyway. Very scary ride but we'll make it through. Hang in there and vent on the board all you need!

[Hope4us]

I appreciate your support. I'll take a look at your thread and maybe we can help each other get through this.

One of my brothers and a good friend of mine D have both been god-sends through this. That's one thing I know is good that could come out of this. I've rediscovered what great family and friends I have. No matter what, they're with me through this all. D and her husband have been great friends of mine since Jr. High and D had an affair of her own about 10 years ago that WAW was her confidant through. D eventually woke up and ended it and their marriage is stronger now than it's ever been. WAW and D became very close when we got married and WAW will not talk to D about any of this because D "would never understand, this is different than her affair". Just another example of WAW distancing herself from her real friends.

WAW told another friend (whom we're close with both H and W) about "how fortunate she was to find her soulmate after we relocated". "He has nothing to do with our problems, but I just can't believe how lucky I was to find him when we moved". This friend told WAW that "what's she's doing is wrong, she doesn't know this guy, he's probably done it before, what kind of future do you see with someone who will cheat on his wife?", and more and that was the last time WAW talked to that friend.

I wonder myself if WAW's attitude change last week also may have had something to do with my beginning to have the attitude that I'm moving on with my life, with or without her, and she is recognizing that she doesn't like that she still has feelings for me so she's trying to be pissy with me again to see if I'll react and justify her rationalizations for the affair? Who knows?

Thanks again for the support. We'll get through this one way or another.

[Hope4us]

Last night WAW was back to being somewhat civil with me. She actually initiated a conversation about an NFL quarterback who is from our home town who just signed a long term contract for LOTS of $$$$$$. She then switched the t.v. to SportsCenter so I could watch. WAW always watches the evening news between 6-7. Last night at about 6:15 she switched it to ESPN (which I love)! Baby steps, baby steps!

Most of the night was quiet and I went up to bed to watch t.v. about 8:00. Trying to give her the space she needs. Detach, detach, detach......Still no more D talk.

[Hope4us]

Last night was the best night we've had in 4 months. WAW initiated a number of conversations that she didn't have to start. She actually made a couple of jokes that we laughed at. All in all a nice evening, although it wasn't "normal" by any stretch of the imagination. More baby steps!

I'm not getting my hopes up and am continuing with the loving detachment, GAL etc. Seems to be working and I'm going to keep it up. Tonight DS15 and I are going to have sushi with a couple of my friends. I told WAW we were going to do that and she almost seemed disappointed that we didn't even consider asking her if she wanted to go or not, but hey, this is what she wants right?

[Hope4us]

Last night I got home from work later than normal, grabbed DS15 and we went out for sushi with a couple of friends. WAW didn't say a thing when we left. When we got home WAW was already in "bed" (the couch). I watched t.v. for about 10 minutes, got up to go to bed to watch t.v. and I asked her if she wanted the lights off. She nodded yes. Looking at her she looked like crap. Like she'd either been crying or maybe more just really down. I hate that she's feeling down, but I know she has to get there before she can recommit to the marriage.

One thing I've been struggling with. Over the last 3 weeks I've been detaching more and more, and it seems like WAW is responding more and more. But that's the problem. The more I detach, the more I don't care whether it works or not. I guess what concerns me is if I want the marriage to work, I have to detach (GAL), but if that works, I might not want it to work.

It's like, to get what I want, I have to risk not wanting it if I get there.

Anyone else had these feelings?