I am finding internet addiction horrible to deal with and my husband and I are at an impasse. Last December, I confronted my husband with evidence of his obsessive interest in cybersex, moved my money to a separate account and consulted an attorney. Initially, it had the desired effect by waking him up to what a serious threat this was to our marriage and he agreed to go for counseling. Shortly after, he said he wanted to "come clean" and ended a physical affair that started out as an online relationship. To make a long story short, the OW got angry that my husband ended the affair, called me and told me horrible things which devastated me even more. It was at this point that my husband admitted he is sick and I believe he finally realized how much he hurt me and the children. (They know something horrible happened but don't know what it is and I think this is a source of anxiety for them).
Well, my husband and I have both been in therapy since April (I started in January). We are outwardly friendly to each other and even do things together as a family. But nothing I do seems to work. I intially told him I loved him and wanted to make our marriage work. He said he didn't know what he wanted and only wanted to do the "right thing" which didn't include saving our marriage. So I tried doing a 180. I am now doing my own thing, going out with friends, doing things with the children, and I'm actually enjoying myself.
But my heart is broken because, ever since the affair with the OW ended, my husband can't bring himself to say he loves me, even if I tell him that I love him (I stopped saying ILU after getting no response). We sleep in the same bed but no longer make love. I have tried to reach out to him but he ignores me. I know the cybersex has continued because he now takes the laptop into the bathroom and complains of stomach problems for being in there constantly. I act concerned and tell him he should see a doctor because he never had this many stomach problems before-(just to let him know that I have noticed this is out of the ordinary).
I have been told that therapy for a sex addict is a waste of time if they continue to conceal their problem which is something most of them do. I had confronted my husband about the cybersex on two other occasions prior to December and each time he told me how sorry he was, how much he loved me and how it would stop. He only concealed it better and lied and lied to cover up. He later told me that he lied because he was embarrassed and ashamed of what he was doing and the person he had become.
I really give credit to the people who stick it out for years in troubled relationships. I am not that strong. This is tearing me apart and will make it impossible for me to function. I am giving it until September to see if there is some improvement then I think it is time to throw in the towel. I really believe this is a true addiction because these people are often slapped in the face with the consequences of their actions. They risk losing their jobs and their families and still can't stop. My husband also told me that all of the people on line were just as "fat and ugly" as he is. He isn't fat and ugly and I have told him so but that is how he sees himself. The internet is a place where a person with low self esteem can be anyone different from who they are.
If anyone has any other ideas on what to do, I would really appreciate it. Nothing I do seems to work and we are only growing farther and farther apart.
If there is really an internet, cybersex, or sexual addiction going on, ignoring it is the worst possible thing. It's like supplying heroin to a addict heroin or giving alcohol to an alcoholic. It allows them to delude themselves into thinking that everything is okay as long as no none finds out. The sickness thrives on secrecy and only escalates. If infidelity is involved, they would rather expose the unsuspecting spouse to STDs and AIDS than be honest with their partner. Also the behavior could get dangerous if a spouse finds out about the infidelity and becomes vindictive. The sex addict is exposing his/her family to danger.
I'll tell you what I am dealing with now. The psycho OW now claims my husband has been pursuing her all the while we have been going for individual therapy. My husband wants to start couples therapy and claims that she keeps e-mailing him. He claims she keeps pestering him about one last meeting and a "hug" before they part. I told him he was full of crap and if he wants to make this work he has to avoid all contact with her and that means no answering e-mails. Also, he has to start by being honest which he has never been. It's only when I shove the evidence in his face that he owns up to it. The OW just sent me another e-mail that her husband is threatening to come to our house to straighten things out and it won't be "pleasant." In her previous e-mail she said he was divorcing her so why should he care about what anyone does at this point. Also, I brought my daughter home from school yesterday and my neighbor informed me that she called the police because someone was snooping around our house. Is this related to the OW or her husband? Which pathological lier do I believe, my husband or the OW? When do I call the police?
I have been married 20 years and we have two wonderful children that I love very much. I thought I loved my husband but this is a sickness and I won't make myself or my children vulnerable to his problems. Do people ever recover from sexual addictions? Do they fall off the wagon? Help! Lisa
How in the world did I ever miss this thread? Must be because I hang out too much in Surviving the Big D and MLC forums.
A major component of internet addictions/EA/porn, etc. is the fact (as pointed out by Xeno who has a discussion of this going with me and Sad_in_PA), is that it can be carried out with little or no detection.
In my case... sadly, it got "uncovered" after a long time. I have no clue how long it had been going on. I found cache files on our home PC, then it was the H (now ex) coming home with laptops... and I thought the hardware, laptops, etc. were normal for him... he is a technical guru supporting network, web implementation/servers, that sort of thing. For a long time, he was able to excuse it off as "work."
Well... I could believe that. I work in a similar realm. I was in a previous life a technical support person and knew what that was all about. And I make my living off of computers and the internet as a technical writer/researcher with the firm I work for publishing mapping data.
So... it can be very easy to disguise and hide this problem.
And as was pointed out, it leads down a dangerous path. From the history I can reconstruct, my ex hooked up with his OW through adultfriendfinders or some similar site. Then, it lead to more than swapping porn and suggestive emails, it led to personal meets, promiscuity, threesomes/couple swaps... you name it.
I had a hard time believing there was such a thing as a sex addiction or internet addiction. I always thought you could be addicted to substances... booze, pills... but behavior? But, the more I read, the more I learned. The more I yap on this board and elsewhere, the more I learn.
I'm sorry to see that the subject is so lightly handled as "EAs" within DR/DB. It is a complicated problem... and if it remains at the "EA" stage, I'm sure it would be much easier to overcome. But the secrecy and ability to hide the problem makes it so difficult to combat. As pointed out to me, it is a problem that isn't discussed and is hushed up (as I've noted in my situation as well). The problem really hasn't come to light until recently as well.
Normal DB techniques do NOT work with addicts from what I can tell. At advanced stages of an addiction or if the behavior is ongoing... we become blindsided because often times the spouse will learn to slowly adapt to these new behaviors. I certainly did... I honesty had myself convinced the ex was "working" for a long time.
I had to divest myself of a sham of an M because it was way too hard to deal with my ex where he was emotionally and mentally. He became cruel if faced with the loss of his OW (she supports him in this behavior... is still married but shacked up with my ex)... he walked away from him home and family for this...he went into financial disasters for this... and he was rewarded in a way for bad behavior by having an OW "there" for him. Facing me and the kids would only reinforce to him a "loss" of a "lifestyle" that was too enticing.
That being said... as having gone through this and still trying straighten my head out from all of this... I have more questions than answers... this type of infidelity has a strong addictive component and it certainly shatters trust in a way that no other marriage problem can. I hope this discussion becomes a bit more active here... And am I any better by hanging out on the DB bulletin board at midnight?
Hi, I don't know if anyone is still checking this thread, but I'd like to post my situation/story and see what people have to say.
My wife had an internet e-mailing type affair with a person she "met" on a message board for a singer. They started out innocently, but then it became more and more frequent e-mails. I wasn't aware of it, just how much time she spent on the computer. It wasn't just me being ignored, it was her kids too. I nagged her...bad move. I appealed to her sense to spend less time on the internet. I told her about how internet affairs can happen if she spent too much time online and I was worried that would happen. She said she knew it was a problem, she loved me too, and she wasn't a cheater. Turned out she had at least given her heart away to this person. I got an accidental copy of an e-mail she sent this person and it had all this "I'll love you forever" mush, etc. The kicker was the person had a girls e-mail name. My wife believed it was a man (she wanted it to be) because she isn't a lesbian or bi. When I found out I told her to break it off. She did for about a week. During that time she was depressed and moody and told me she didn't love me like she used to and she wanted to separate. Things improved somewhat, but I found out after buying the e-blaster that her happiness was due to continuing to e-mail this person. She couldn't wait to move out so she could talk on the phone to her.
I did e-mail the person. She was a woman (I have since heard her voice on the phone...she's a woman). I told this person she/he was welcome to my wife. I didn't know the kind of person who would toss their marriage away and risk their kids happiness for the sake of someone they never met. I gave the person our home phone number and said call...talk to each other in person, meet. See if you have something in common once you meet in person.
The OW said she was done with this. It was a fantasy. She was straight and would leave my W alone. She has too. My wife is once again in depression and pursuing this person. I've seen the notes, etc. She's called her and left a message. So the obscession is so strong that she just wants to continue what they had, even if nothing comes out of it. Or maybe she isn't considering if she can be a lesbian for this online love. In any regard, she doesn't feel she loves me anymore. She still uses the internet and the musicians website. It seems almost as though she's "trolling" for another potential fish to fill her emotional needs. I can't do it because she rejects me.
She's moving out now. I hope she learns to control this compulsion. She doesn't think she has a problem though. It's just that she hates being with me. Or so she says.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
