Hi everyone...well. feel upset all over again. No word from him. I cant believe he is THAT ill. He emailed me Friday to ask me what I was doing this weekend and yes, yet again I got my hopes up. Then nothing.
I feel heartbroken all over again whenever he does this. Its the weekend, he hasnt seen me for 2 weeks, he wont see me for another 2 now, if not 3 or 4. Thats in then I guess. Hes done with me.
Oops...just sent him a text message.. ??
"Hiya, how are you feeling today? I hope you are ok and not still ill."
oh sh*t.
Oh well.
Looks like its over anyway. Hes either too ill or just not motivated to see me and he wont have chance for ages. And I guess I feel impatient and cant stand this agony much more. Although then I will have the agony of knowing that I have blown it. And its already blown anyway as today is 4 months exactly since he ended it.
FED UP !!!
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I read this book called Excuse Me Your Life Is Waiting: The Astonishing Power of Feelings by Lynn Grabhorn. You get more of what you feel is the basic thesis. So if you feel he will be gone, he will be gone. Take the positives he shows and run with them. He needs time to sort his own feelings out. But in the meantimne, get your feelings in order.
This is all such a rollercoaster, isn't it? I can see why you are feeling super frustrated about all this. It would be easier to handle the distance if you knew somehow that they'd be back in a month or 2 or 6 or whatever. The unknown part does make it really tough. From what you've shared, in this situation it does seem possible he's pretty sick, especially if he's taking antibiotics. But he's not solid yet on his communicating with you and it leaves you feeling like he's calling the shots. In a sense, this is true, but remember just in this past week things were looking better.
One thing that seems true for both you and me (and a lot of others on this board) is that our feelings and moods can shift quite suddenly depending on sometimes a single message/text/email. Right now you're in a dip on things, but look back at earlier this week and you were up. So remember, they don't call it a rollercoaster for nothing.
Maybe there's something gentle or kind you can do for yourself today (tonight where you are, I think?). You've been doing a nice job of self care activities--music, clothes, being active physically. Sounds like a little bit of distraction from the chronic stress of all this stuff could be useful?
Hey IMP and Purr...well, I couldnt re-post earlier, but I wish I had - he texted straight back to say he was on his way over !! That was 2.30 and he left at nearly 7, 4 hours later ! Sorry for the long post but..
He grabbed my hand!...he actually took my hand! Thats the first time in 4 months he has done, since he held my hand all the way up the motorway when we drove home to tell everyone, the day after the bomb.
So...Purr you are right, no message from him when I was expecting one and I was in the depths of despair. I was explaining on Kalnis thread today, that I think this is a pivotal week for us. There are some very powerful planets, I just sense that something has got to shift now. We cannot keep drifting along in this surreal no-mans land, hence my frustration earlier..I just felt something should happen!
And sure enough, he came over again all afternoon, at his suggestion. He looked nice and smelt amazing. We chatted and drank coffee and then he suggested we went to the little town nearby...where we went to one shop and then walked the length and breadth of the town and without going anywhere, becuase we were just talking talking and neither of us wanted to break it I dont think. Then we walked back and he suggested we went for a drink somewhere. So we went and had tea and cake and talked more...but nothing personal, all about his brothers wedding and his mum and my family and about work (he talked alot about work) and how he is so tired all the time and has all these aches and pains...he didnt really ask me much and I was so busy listening, validating, agreeing, smiling and interjecting with the odd insightful or witty comment, I didnt tell him much about me either ! I wasnt sure how well I was doing, I felt I was just being a yes man and not being very interesting in my own right, but he didnt seem to be too aware of that.
So then he dropped me back here, but he came in! So I was surprised as it was getting late, but I offered him a drink and he agreed! Which he didnt do the last few times he came over, he made his excuses around half 5. Well this time he sat down for another hour..and talked some more about work and was clearly very stressed. Then he admitted to me about being run down and very very tired and not sleeping and I asked him why, and he said "well becuase I am stressed" and I said, why, because of work ? And he said, "well yes, but its with everything isnt it." I was amazed...another chink in his armour! He didnt elaborate, tthough.
Then he had to go and gave me a hug and this time we hugged each other and it went on for ages and felt really special! I really hugged him a lot and he seemed to enjoy it. I am afraid I even kissed his neck, oops, it just sort of happened! But he let go and took my hand! He grabbed for my fingers and sort of walked toward the door squeezing them before letting go. I said to him "thanks for coming to see me" and he actually said "Oh no, not at all, its been really nice" in a very heartfelt emotional voice. Blimey !
For most of the time he was here, he was friendly and warm, but in a very detached, just mates way. I found this very hard to bare, so spent most of the time concentrating on smiling and acting as if and desperately trying not to cry. Then, when he came in and stayed over an hour, I started to feel maybe it wasnt just mates...and when he gave me the hug and took my hand and said that..well, a little hope crept in. But still, no change as yet, not a word of doubt or regret in 4 months still.
Lastly... HE REMEMBERED MY BIRTHDAY !! He didnt say much about it, but quite early on he asked me if I wanted to go back home at the weekend, I said indeed I did...he said I thought you would and that he was thinking he would drive me as he needs to go back too ! All his idea and we arranged to go Wednesday night and come back Sunday. This is perfect. He is happy to sit for nearly 4 hours in the car with me. He even asked me later what I was going home for. I said "um, its my birthday" and he said I know...but I didnt answer the question (I guess he meant, what did I have arranged, but I have nothing arranged !)
Something has got to give this week. Mars is moving forwards in Cancer (is back to where it left off on November 15th - the day he moved out, so everything has been "on hold" since then and now things can properly move forward once again), also there is a New Moon on Friday in Pisces, linked to the powerful Pluto and followed by a once in a lifetime amazing conjunction between Uranus and the Sun in Pisces and MY Sun in Pisces on the weekend. So if nothing changes even a tiny bit this week, I'm a banana.
Sorry it was a long one, but ...what do you think ??? Ali x
PS: Also..I realised, I am completely in love with him. Smitten, full butterfly stomach, birds singing, fireworks exploding. DAMN !!! I'm more in love with him than ever! I just want to get married, do some travellling, then buy a little house by the sea, have some kids, get a dog, be happy. He wants to sit in his one armchair in a crummy flat and drink wine. Damn, again.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
YAY ALI! That sounds like it was a fantastic interaction!! HURRAY for him remembering your birthday and offering to drive you home- how great is that?!!
I wouldn't worry too much about him not expressing regret yet- he is by his actions, and wanting to spend more and more time with you, and holding your hand, hugging you and having emotion in his voice. It's going to come....
Pretty sure you're not a banana- I'll be looking forward to this weeks posts to see what happens (and watching my fish H too!)
(((Ali))) This is SO EXCITING!
L.
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
Thanks IMP! I wasnt as brave as Kalni though (I was thinking of you today Kalni!)..but all I could manage was the neck.
OneDay..my god, so your H is a Pisces too ?? There is a New Moon in Pisces this week. He has his Saturn Return now or coming up soon you know. Thats all about career and getting the first rung in yuor "grown up" career, if you see what I mean and is generally about maturing and growing up. Send me his birth details, place, date, time..I'm really curious to take a look !
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I think the neck kiss was fabulous- very subtle and sexy; I bet BF drove home thinking about it!
H's birthdate is March 2nd 1980 at 2pm in the European City of Culture; Liverpool! Hopefully his chart won't come up in an aubergine-shaped pattern! Thankyou ever so much for looking; I really appreciate it. If you ever need any (prescription!) drug advice, I'd be happy to return the favour. Or curry recipes- my stepmother is Indian and has some fab ones!
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
I am beginning to lose it with you guys, He is calling ,not calling, you are dsperate and just as we were all getting ready for some spanking he appears all of the sudden and you are having fun with him!!! And my gosh, you don't have children to tie you in any kind of necessary interactions, it is happenning because he wants to be with YOU. Do you see that? Do you get that? If it wasn't for my kids my H wouldn't even call I bet (but if it wasn't for my lovely kids I would be out partying missing all his phonecalls anyway, HA!!).
Neck kissing? Hmmm... (I love that). And a 4 hour trip together in the car? Hmmm, you better get your hair done, and go get some more dresses. Oh, and don't shave, WAX!! (2 days earlier than your planned trip)
Love you- I am glad you had a good time. Stop analysing a perfect day that even lead you to a committed next interaction/meeting/date or whatever you could call that (that's new, right?). (maybe you should have a Bday party instead of me at your hometown)
Thankyou ever so much for looking; I really appreciate it. If you ever need any (prescription!) drug advice, I'd be happy to return the favour. Or curry recipes- my stepmother is Indian and has some fab ones!