Partner left after 9 years - friends is a start?

[Essie]

Oh Ali! I feel the pain. I know how much it hurts and how confusing it is. I bet it feels like the whole world is against you, and when is something good going to come your way? I hear you!

I'm glad to hear that you dont like the drama... I have a friend who knowingly creates drama in her life cause she loves it.

T- our librarian! Can you help Ali find the resources on "going dark"? I dont think Ali should go dark, but it might help her to read the theory behind it. Be in control of the contact you have with BF, so that you are the one that decides if you will respond (not react), which will reduce the drama and tension.

Ali I think your goal has to be you and getting back to being centred. Its great that you can see that you used to be independent and happy, and you can recognise where you need to go from here. It must be hard to accept that you are not at the place in your life where you wanted to be (financially, emotionally and even the physical location). The key is that when you are centered in your own joy no matter the circumstances you will attract love and happiness back to you. (Gosh it sounds like I'm writing a self-help book - sorry!)

Dont you think it would be so much fun to make BF start wondering about you? Its fun to think he might be wondering what hot guys you are out meeting and who are showering you with the attention he didnt give. Its fun to think that you are out meeting new people and going forwards towards your goals, while BF isn't very happy and is making dumb decisions. (He is in pain otherwise he wouldnt be drinking so much).

I know you are really busy and you are exhausted, so not much energy to work on PMA and GAL. You have got a lot on your plate with work and college. I'm just cheering for you to realise that even if you aren't really missing out on being with BF, you are single and that has its advantages. Make the most of this opportunity to do somethings for yourself! BF could be back before you know it, and you wont have had a chance to travel independently, devote hours to playing guitar, and get fantastic calf muscles from all your bike riding. I really am cheering for you!

Of course you dont need to apologise for being negative and desperate - we've all been there!!! Me especially! This weekend doesnt have to be like that though - you could have fun and focus on you!

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Ali)))))
He isn't going to be expressing doubts! He doesn't even know he has them! Believe me, his brain doesn't work that way!

He is feeling things out, but he doesn't know that's what he is doing! It's more like instinct, and habit taking over.

Ali, the fact that he didn't cal you doesn't say it all! It says he didn't call you. On that one weekend. That' all it means!

I really am going to have to swim over and spank you!

And I'm not that good a swimmer!

[Kalni]

Ali,

don't fight yourself so much. You are going against yourself all the time. You are going through a hard time in your life. And everything you feel and think and express is justified. No need to explain to us or to anyone why you feel this way. But you are caught up in you little circle and we are all trying to get you out, to look at the big picture. Read Essie's post again. You will be fine. Either way. Once you realise that, you will feel free and able to make all the right decisions. Do not let fear run your actions and life at the moment. I read here somewhere that fear means
False
Evidense
Appearing
Real
Think about it. What are you so much afraid of? Loneliness, that you will never find someone as good as your BF, what? You can't control your future, others, your past. You can control your present. Stop worrying so much. You'll drive yourself crazy and trust me, right now you are not justified. You see progress, it's not enough, you see him reaching out to you (with his clumsy wasy) its not enough, you believe your reactions can either make him love you or forget you (that is not possible by the way)... You need a break from all this. Find a way. What works for you, anything, pretend he is on a trip, pretend YOU are mad at him and don't want contact, anything... Take a break, relax, start ACTING for yourself NOT REACTING to him.
If I could reach you I would hit you with a lumber (was it?)...
Snap out if it...

LOVE
KALNI

PS so far you are getting a spank(jeff) and a hit on the head (me). Anybody else offering a hand here?

[MichelleLT]

I already offered a pillow. If you want we could put frozen peas in it to make it more painful.

[AliSuddenly]

You guys are brilliant .. I am a doughnut!/ plonker / goon !

I'm going to go to bed now and get my beauty sleep and tommorow I may well dye my hair again at last! And go for that bike ride.

And in a spirit of hopefulness, I just posted to piecing asking if anyone sees similarities. Also though, thanks Essie, Jeff, Michelle and Kalni... you have uplifted me so much, I think I will actually be able to go and sleep now! And kalni, thats funny, you are so right there, I am driving myself crazy with false evidence and need to be more balanced. And what am I afraid of? THat I have lost my soulmate and something precious (as soulmates arent THAT common and are therefore precious by nature !) I am lonely and fear I will stay this way for a long while, I fear I will neber have kids, I fear this is all my fault and I never have a chance to fix it..oh dear, dont ask me about fears, they are my forte! I have got over a lot of fears since my BF left though..so he has done me a favour there !!

Ok..to bed. I will try and *deal* with it better tommorow, but once again, I dont know what I would do without you all sometimes ! I hope I get through this bad patch soon.

Ali xxxx

[Virtually_Handsome]

I already offered a pillow. If you want we could put frozen peas in it to make it more painful.

We always use frozen peas as an ice pack when someone gets hurt. Perhaps we'll use them after the spanking and 2x4 !

[AliSuddenly]

Well, still upset when I woke up this morning! Seem to wake up crying every morning this week. Anyway, got up and went to one of my part time jobs - note taking for people with disabilities! I have to sit in different lectures, or write exams for them, which I really enjoy. I enjoy helping them, its varied and the pay is better per hour than when I was a Programmer !!! Shame its very sporadic. Got back home and no email from BF today. I did send him one back last night, my 6th response to his 6 (!), and I did put a couple of questions in it, but no answer. I have a feeling he wont email me until the end of the day, which is what he has done in the past. I was thinking of emailing him today to say that his post was piling up here.

I was just rereading all our emails with a clear head and he does sound very friendly and interested. That cool impersonal tone seems to be wearing off. Also, he has definetly been keeping me abreast of his lifestyle and movements, which is odd. I am still wondering if I shouldnt be brave and chance some move IF I get to see him this weekend. Not sure what, I'd have to judge that at the time !

I think the danger here is, I have completely got my hopes up that I WILL see him this weekend, but the likelihood is very slim. If I dont, I will be so upset, as he is away the next 3. I just feel like I need an opportunity to see him in person and gauge how he is doing and also, I just miss him so much.

[MichelleLT]

Ironically Ali, I'm going to say I hope you don't see him this weekend and can't see him for the next 3 either. You do have your hopes WAY up, and you are creating a lot of expectations which allow you to be disappointed.

You need to take the time he is gone to take your bike out and play your guitar and do fun stuff with your friends. You will be okay no matter what happens, and you need to really internalize that. You need to use this time to rediscover yourself and grow as a person.

Maybe I missed it among all the other posts about his e-mail, but you have not mentioned bike riding or much about the guitar or getting your hair done or much that you have been very excited about. Perhaps you have been but have just been venting on here, in which case, great! If not, get your butt out there and do stuff!

Despite all the stresses in your life between your BF and your tenants, you need to have fun!

[AliSuddenly]

Hiya! Well.. as predicted, he emailed me at the end of the day. Was a chatty email, telling me more stuff about the stag weekend, the arrangements for the skiing trip (!?) and how hes away end next week for his appraisal at work and then seeing a friend and what he needs to do tommorow.. and then right at the end:

"you up to anything this weekend?"

by which I understood now, as I am used to his covert way of doing things, that he wasnt making conversation about my life but asking if I wanted to meet up at the weekend. So I responded about how I have a few days off work and told him about his big pile of post...and did he want to meet up? (took a risk there)...and he replied ok ! He then said he had to go to town to choose a present for his brother, by which I think he meant, would you like to meet in town tommorow.

Then he said "give you a call in the morning..."

I decided against the dye..I did a strand test and it was practically black ! Dont think it was v flattering. Black is about the only colour I've never dyed my hair (for obvious reasons, it doesnt suit me!)

Michelle, yes, your right..my life has been a bit devoid of fun lately indeed, but no bike rides I'm afraid. I live in rainy England by the sea and its been lashing it down for days !! Today though I enrolled for pottery classes, yay! - that was one of my goals. I practised guitar for 2 hours today and I can now play Street Spirit properly!!! I'm moving on to some Supergrass next. And I will be ok one day, as I have been in the past, but I wanted to have a family with him, so I'm just super motivated to get back with him, before my ovaries shrivel up to raisins :-) theres early menopause in my family, my Nan was 39, eek!

So. 3 weekends out of 4 this has happened. I'm pleased, obviously, as I do miss him terribly. But yeah I have my hopes up. At least I will see him I guess. Need to wow him somehow !?? Got to pysche myself up a bit! I likely wont see him for a while after this. And I have no idea what his motivation is for seeing me, but I am pleased that he initiated it again. And its difficult not to read something into that, but until he brings up any R talk, I dont suppose that I can. Hes still being a pretty cool customer, emailing at the end of a work day, not asking anything personal...

Question is, should I chance another risky reach out (it was me that was the more direct one earlier and said "do you want to meet up?" and he responded "ok"). I think you are right Jeff, hes a nervous little doormouse!

[Maya44]

Ali, I'm SO happy that you're happy again! You can hear it in your words. I'm VERY proud of you for taking that pottery class as well! I've been looking at doing a ceramics class but haven't found one that doesn't happen during my work hours.