Hi IMP...yes, I did reply, but an hour or two in between on some of them, but as the end of the day approached, we replied pretty quick to one another. I sent him an email Tuesday, initiated by me to say sorry he felt low at the weekend.. he replied saying he had been meaning to email me all day ! Emails continued through then, Wednesday and this morning, he sent the first one, asking how my flat viewing went. So then we exchanged 6 each today. But, he still hasnt phoned me (except a week ago last Sunday to say he would be round in 10 minutes) and I havent phoned him since before January. Um, long answer, sorry !
Ah..yes it was a risk, and he didnt take me up on the offer! So, dont know if I would repeat that.
I was thinking of saying tommorow "your post is building up" and just leave it at that (I dont have his address, he said he would come collect post)..so that way, if he wants to see me this weekend, he has an "excuse" and he can save face, as I have told him about it. (post as in, mail).
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I think that is an excellent idea. And if he asks when is good for him, remember that you are planning to go biking at some point and will not be sitting at home all weekend just waiting for him.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
As for your offer, he didn't take you up yet. But in my opinion, the fact that he emails you does mean he values you. What does it mean? I wish I knew because I would be so rich!
But you do seem to be handling things properly.
Just want to put something out here more for discussion.
Quote:
I was thinking of saying tommorow "your post is building up" and just leave it at that (I dont have his address, he said he would come collect post)..so that way, if he wants to see me this weekend, he has an "excuse" and he can save face, as I have told him about it. (post as in, mail).
To my way of thinking, if his post is building up (and I do enjoy hearing how people from other places say things), it would just seem common courtesy to let someone know. As for saving face and needing an excuse, I tend not to go down those roads. Let his action of emailing be the barometer of where his head is. Let real actions tell you the story. And he does show you real action, i.e. the emails. One of the big things I learned from my travails is to take things as they come.
Yes, thanks IMP. It is encouraging he emails and came over to see me two weekends in a row (but not last weekend sadly) and I start thinking, maybe I have been TOO DBish, too distant, maybe it is confusing him that I am always so jolly and humorous in my emails and never answer when he says how are you.
So I was wondering, if I do get to see him this weekend (and I did wait for his post to build up, instead of telling him when there is only one or two letters here!) then, maybe I should chance being a bit warmer? I dont know what that would entail, but I think, maybe be a bit braver? If he stands there moaning about his job/boss/family/friends as he did last time.. maybe ask him if he is OK ?? Or offer him a hug !??? Hmm.. MADNESS !!
But I figured somethings got to give. He is away next weekend and then sounds like he will be away the following two if he is going away ski-ing for a week (will be weekend-weekend). So this could be my last chance to do anything for like a month, and I obviously dont see him in the week. Theres no telling if I will see him this weekend. But, he went back home last weekend, so I doubt he will do that again and he is away next weekend, so may stay down here anyway. So if he is around...and I give him the legitimate reason to come over to get his post...then maybe I will get chance to DB in person.
My long and rambling quesion is...at what point (if any) do you relax the strict detached DB stuff and tentively try and reach out just a smidgeon, to monitor results and see how they react??
Or as Jeff says, would this scare the badger back into his hole??
Ali ______________ Me: 36 H: 34 T: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
There are a lot of people on here way more experienced and successful than me...but IMHO reaching out does not mean you are not detached. Being detached means that not matter how they react, you are okay. Being detached means having no expectations.
He needs time to adjust to this new situation and all this contact. Do not move to fast, you will startle him.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Please don't take this the wrong way....but you "think" too much. Just leave things be a bit more....don't constantly try to figure out what's going on in BF's head....it will drive you crazy. You are constantly analyzing everything to death and it will drive you batty. Just be patient....be still....relax a bit and take things one day at a time....or one moment at a time. Don't look down the road....look at getting through the morning....then the afternoon....then a whole day. Try not to dwell so much on your sitch every minute of everyday. It's exhausting!
Hugs!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
Absolutely NO letters and NO relationship talks!! Absolutely not! I know I searched for an excuse as to why I could write H a letter and tried to come up with a theory as to why it could be justified in my sitch. But it cant! And it doesnt help! So NO!!!! Dont go there.
Ali this might be a bit conterversial but I say it with love and cause I want you to be happier and more in control.
I dont want your BF to come back..... yet! I dont think you are ready. I dont think you have got "it" yet. Its hard to define "it" but I keep hearing that the way you feel about yourself is determined by what BF does or doesnt do. And I dont think you have gotten to the stage where you can really see that you will be OK if BF never comes back. You could DB your butt off and he still might not come back but you will be OK. (Ali you will be OK I promise!)
The last R talk you had with BF was him saying he does not want to be with you. Until he makes it clear that this has changed, you have to take this as his latest feelings. Your feelings and perspective have changed, but you must wait for his feelings and persepective to change. Patience lovely. Letters and R talks wont help change his persepective.
He will let you know when his feelings change. Dont go thinking he is DB you! Your reduced contact and less clinginess has worked, so dont go doubting yourself.
Please my lovely dont go another weekend wondering if he is going to call or come around! He is the crazy one missing out on you, not the other way around. You are so wonderful (you've got to believe that), and you have such a wonderful life (you've got to work on that) that he is going to have to compete to get some of your attention. He has done a crappy thing by leaving you, please dont be desparate and want him back - that is so unattractive.
Others might advise differently but I'd rather see you step back more, not forwards more. I'd rather you not be home if he wants to come around. I think you should only reply to every second email. More mystery! Make him work for you!
Somewhere on this board there is info written by JamesJohn on "going dark" and "NC". I dont think you should be going dark, but I think it would be good for you to read the 'theory' behind these ideas - how it will give you more control, and then start to put it into practise with your minimal contact. Try and find those resources, they really helped me get my independent attitude back!
OK big question for you Ali....
Do you like the drama? Honestly?
Its OK if you do. But if you dont like all the tension and games maybe drawing back and centering on yourself needs to happen first, before you can even start to think of attracting him towards you. DB is all about you! No really it is! There should be no difference in your actions if you are DB or if you are 'over' BF and moving forward in your life.
It is a process I just want to help you move forward faster so you get to the fun part where you are happy!
Clearly, I'm not coping well. I've broken up with R's before and been ok after a few weeks. I've never needed counselling before (and I'm seeing 2 at the mo!). I still cry alot. I'm just devastated. I didnt have that period of trying to make it work and go to MC for a year (?) which you did. It came out of nowhere. We'd moved away, we didnt know anyone here but we had lots of visitors..and I thought we were happy and solid (then he did seem depressed, but he has been before in our R and it wasnt to do with me before). So I didnt see it coming, its been a huge shock.
In answer to your question, no I dont like drama! That was what I loved about my R - no drama. I feel like my lifes been turned upside down, nothing makes sense. I'm struggling to PMA and GAL (outside of work and college). To help with this..I just printed off all the societies and clubs that interest me at college and I found a new one -a biking club ! So I will try and go along to that, you have to ride either 10 or 50 miles (eek !)
I do feel exhausted, you and BA are right. To be honest, I am not myself at all. I feel like I have gone a bit crazy, I have been so traumatised by him walking out like that and bearing in mind I considered him my rock..its just floored me. I see how happy and grounded you are, and thats what I was like for years ! I had loads of hobbies and friends and a great job and a lovely BF and well..lots of confidence and was happy. All that has gone out the window, I gave up my career, I have money worries, I have no good friends nearby, my BF left and my beloved cat died ! I need to adjust to all the changes in my life cos at times, it has felt overwhelming. I will read those threads though, thanks!
I was just thinking earlier that I sound so negative and desperate lately, I am getting sick of me, neverlone all you on this board ! I feel like I should apologise if I am coming across as draining :-)
Ali
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
You don't need to apologize. Everyone here understands how you feel. Look at my start date October 2000. If you would have seen me around that time, you would have seen one angry guy. I was the Atilla the Hun of DBing. It comes with the territory.
Now, everyone is relating things to you based on their experiences and speaking for myself from mistakes made. And to be honest, I did not feel like myself for quite some time. But the more you realize what is going on, the easier it becomes to get back to the self you want to be which is not exactly your old self. You will be much wiser than the old one.
So hang in there. And go for the 50 mile bike ride.
