I am one of the bad guys -the unfaithful partner. 35H,34W,11M 3 kids, and my beef with this book is that it does not talk at all about the Exit Affair concept, and it does not draw out two core assumptions- 1)that the UP needs to feel REMORSE (i really dont) and that 2)the UP needs to be 100% committed to making the marriage work (I'm really not)
and yet I waffle on the fence, mortified about the effect on the kids, and the longterm mental health of my wife. no kids, I'd have left yrs ago. But as it is, we are in a sticky situation.
Anyway, for what was otherwise a great book on the subject of marriage and infidelity, I was bummed there wasn't more for guys like me - who could prob be lassoed back in, but feel that 99.9% of ther literature out there is intended for the BS
i tried that book -it was useful, but also glossed over the areas of "what is remorse? how do i know if I'm feeling it?" and "am I really committed? what does it mean to be committed?"
no one, and I mean, NO ONE has addressed these two topics in all of the literature I've seen on marriage, infidelity, and divorce.
I don't think the books are going to tell you what you want or what you should do. Only you can decide that. If you need helping deciding or getting to the bottom of your feelings, I suggest seeing a counselor. Or I am misunderstanding what you're looking for?
My guess would have to be if you need to ask then you are not feeling it. Look up remorse in a dictionary -
remorse - a strong feeling of guilt remorseless-unkind and showing no pity or regret; continuing in an unpleasant and persistent way.
Quote:
what does it mean to be committed?
A committed person is someone who has strong, (generally positive), beliefs in something - ie a committed christian.
Are you still actively having an A? Does your S know if you are?
Tell us a bit more about your sitch.
You are certainly not the only unfaithful spouse on these boards - the sort of responses you get will generally depend on how you aproach the boards - remember, there are a lot of people on here who have been badly hurt by their S's cheating. Tell us why you cheated - what are/were you not getting at home that the A has given you? Is your OW someone you would want as a long term partner?
I spent quite a long time in my M not being sure if I wanted it or not, (I think in some sort of transitional or ML crisis). It drove my H away and he had an A; I had come to the conclusion, (slowly), that I wanted my M and my H, but finding out that I had almost lost that sure polarised my feelings. Perhaps if your W rejected you it might make you realise what you want.
Hope that helps
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
i ended the A in November for the second time, but feel like life without AP is life not having oxygen - sorry if that hurts the BPs. AP was a co-worker (I quit my job in attempts at reconciiation), and is also married (but no kids).
I am in fact sseing a counselor, but haven't gotten to the discussion of "when is enough enough" - I feel like W and I are in the "after the last resort" phase - I've moved out, and our communication is perfunctory- she (W) is doing a good job finally of not making my life a living hell with constant intrusion and interrogation. Meanwhile, I am torn between the well-being of the children (guilt and heartbreak if I leave) versus making myself miserable with a person I simply do not love. We hadn't knwn each other long before getting married quickly due to pregnancy. We never got to know each other as a couple first. I am seriously doubting we would have lasted as a couple sans children. And then BAM along comes AP who opens a new light - I was 10+yrs faithful until she came along. It wasn't about the sex, it was about the emotional connection, respect, honesty, and understanding we shared (granted, as partners in crime, but nonetheless real).
Yes, please tell us more about your sitch. We can all learn from each other.
Another great book (I can't stress it enough) to check out, if you haven't already, would be "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. MWD herself has referred to it as "a godsend."
There are some questions Glass poses for the UPs to ask themselves. I will post them, and perhaps you could share your thoughts with us.
**NOTE** - Glass states that "it's important that you do not make the mistake of deciding on the basis of comparing an exciting, illicit romance with a stable, long-term M."
1. Picture yourself with the AP (affair partner) in a long-term committed R.
* What would life be like 5 years from now; 20 years from now?
* Ask yourself whether the AP wants to have children. If you already have a family, do you want to be raising another family in the future?
* What would it be like for you and your AP to raise stepchildren together?
* How would your children handle your M to the person who broke up their intact family?
* What were the things that attracted you to your AP? If these traits were to become exaggerated, would you still be attracted? For example, if you like the fact that your AP is always frank and direct, imagine what it would be like to be with someone who's brutally honest.
2. What will it be like when the passion of a forbidden love wears off 10 years from now? Imagine how forlorn you might have been if something had prevented you from marrying your S. You probably would have believed forever that you had lost the one true love of your life.
3. Would you still want to D your S even if the R with the AP doesn't work out?
4. Visualize where you want to be in 10 or 20 years from now - where you want to be living, how you want to spend your time, and what gives you pleasure. What happened to the dreams you once had about what it would be like to grow old together with your S?
Other considerations -
Are you staying in the M out of guilt or duty? For the children? Do you feel you are too weak to end it and too afraid to be on your own?
Here's a reality check: Individuals often carry their psychological problems with them into the next R. Also, second M's (which have a 60% divorce rate - and even worse if you happen to M your AP) may have the added strain of blended families and stepchildren. "R's that began through betrayal and broken trust often end up having their own problems with trust."
I commend you for coming here. Not an easy thing to do, I'm sure.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
(1) the only thing frightening here is the kids' reaction and grudges over time - that is what I am wrestling with now - as for the rest, I have considered it, and think I've been very realistic about trading one set of problems for another, and all relationships' eventuality toward routine and repetition - these things don't bother me because it is in the very small details of moments that I developed my confidence with the AP- we just see the world from a very similar, broken way.
(2) I simply do not share this belief about S. I sincerely do not think forlorn would describe my feelings had we broken up in the beginning, prior to getting married
(3)This is a barrier I've only recently, but with certainty, broken through - I'm not leaving S to be with AP. I'm leaving S to be alone. AP is a crossroads further down the line into the future to be considered.
(4) Sadly, I don't recall such dreams of empty nesting together. Maybe I'm being unfair, and rewriting the history again. But we simply do not get along, and I for one do not enjoy S's company. Period. It's really simple, not complicated.
I do feel I'm in this for the kids now, and have been a coward for not making decisions, and feel bad for dragging many people through this in the process. This is the worst kind of purgatory. I realize it's not a death sentence from cancer or a crippling accident, but to me it's a mental hornet's nest every time I wake up in the morning. I hope and pray for clarity, but don['t expect an Epiphany - I think this is a gradual process of detachment, and it really sucks.
most likely out of religious conviciton more than emotions, S wants to keep the family in tact. She wants me to come back, with assurances and promises never to stray again. This much is probably feasible.
S also wants more affection, "I Love yous", hugs, simple conversation, me expressing an interest in her and her aspirations. These things are harder for me. They need to come from the heart.
Oh yeah, and S above all wants honesty and sincerity. At present, she can't get this, and also get the above affection. Just ain't in me.
