H has signed a 6 month lease for a one bedroom apartment about a 1/2 hour from here (with no traffic). The kids endorsed the idea of me going away for a week so that they could spend quality time with their father now that he's moving out.
I think I'm getting mad for the first time in all this. How can he just leave me, us, go to a place that has no room for his children, go farther away than he promised.. ugh. UGH! UUUGGGHHHH!
This hurts in ways I never knew were possible. How could someone I've spent 25 years with be so cruel? Are his simple words, "I AM divorcing you." coming from belief or insecurity? Does it matter?
I felt sad, angry, defensive, like I had to stand up for myself ("Only one person is seeking a divorce."), so hurt. The he goes to tell me how he's spending the night at his new place tomorrow to check out the bed to see if he needs a new mattress. Huh??
With so many emotions swirling like snowflakes in a snowglobe, I decide to take the dog for a walk on a blustery, cold night. The moonlight was bright enough to see the world in its cool colors easing the darkness of night. With cellphone in hand I vented and vented and vented till I calmed, hung up the phone and contined walking. A funny thing happened. I started to sing.
In Italy it's called "The Simple Prayer." In the US you know it as this:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury,pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
I'd always thought that this prayer showed ideals to strive for. Once I was home he asked me if I was alright. "Yes, the walk did me good, in fact I was singing." The Prayer of St. Francis had always been a favorite of his though he's more of an agnostic.
What did Dory sing in "Finding Nemo".. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming swimming swimming
Good morning all. After a night's sleep, I realize my actions, the 'sticking up for myself' actually pushed him away, right?
Please help me with what's going on. Beneath the positive thoughts is a woman totally bewildered and in need of people, friends, supporters who can help guide me through this field of land mines.
Hello, Gypsy! Do you have the "Divorce Remedy" book? If you don't, you probably should get it! Read the chapter on Mid Life Crisis. See if it describes your H. If he is MLC (which seems pretty likely, from what little I know) you need to know that you were not the cause, and you are not the cure! You can do things to make the situation worse (you've already figured that out!), but there isn't much you can do to make him come out of it. But, you can work on yourself, so that when he comes out of it he has a safe place to land. The bad news is that it can be a long process. You might also look at the MLC forum on this board, and read a bit more about it.
Thanks for the direction. I have the "Divorce Remedy" book which I've been reading and find myself cuddled up to it in the morning. As I reread sections I've reread before I understand it a little better. Perhaps it's like an onion is an onion. Every time you peel away a layer, the onion's still there but you just find more of it.
Implementing detaching, not pursuing him hit me like a ton of bricks while I was waiting to see my lawyer. H is going to serve the papers on Monday and I figured it was time to retain legal counsel.
Understanding that H needs absolute time alone with his thoughts without me nobly proclaiming that this divorce is his one sided action does nothing for him. The concept of loving him unconditionally as he separates from our marriage takes on new meaning. How can he truly see what is happening if I'm a thorn in his side?
Developing and keeping the door open to a meaningful friendship even if his persistence for a divorce comes through kinda shocked me but it's so positive. Why would I want to hate someone who is the father of our children, whose life I've shared for half of my own?
Folks surmise that he's having an affair. My thought is, it's none of my business. Why pursue something that can only hurt me, especially if it started as a backlash to his dissatisfaction in life? My goal is renewing the marriage and keeping the family.
In an odd way, retaining the lawyer took a weight off my shoulders. Now that that's taken care of, I can just focus on what I can do (or not do) that's positive for the marriage. Does that make sense?
Not only are you figuring out what to do (or not) but you are understanding the reasons so clearly! That will make it much easier for you to follow through!
Do things that are positive for you, not just positive for the marriage, and you will get to a good place!
H spent last night in his new apartment. He'd planned to move out of the house on Saturday, but is opting to stay at the apartment from Friday to Sunday at which time he'll come back here to 'babysit' (his words) the kids while I'm away for the week. He'll then move the heavy stuff when I return and leave anything he doesn't need here. H has started buying things for his new life, is getting away for his birthday weekend (what when where how much.. all his business)
We've talked more in the past few weeks then we have in ages. Unfortunately it's all about his eagerness to divorce, H emphasizing there is no hope for reconciliation (something I never bring up). I don't ask him where he's living and am learning not to ask anything personal. My one concern was that in case of an emergency, how could he be reached?
Tonight he was asking me how the first official meeting went with my lawyer. I told him about the dog in the room and how comforting it was to snuggle a pooch during the conversation. That upon leaving the office, a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I didn't tell him that in letting go what I couldn't control to the attorney, that I was freed to focus even more on what I could do to improve myself, to feel somehow an even stronger connection to the M.
I'd sent him an email apologizing for pressuring him, that it was a tough enough situation as it was. He hadn't seen it and scrolled through is email to find it. Upon reading he said he hadn't felt pressured. I mentioned my "Only one person is seeking a divorce." H said he understood it was something he initiated, that it was unreconcilable and it would be strange not to be sad about it. I just looked on and did a Mona Lisa smile. It is what it is.
I take the Divorce Remedy every where I go, and read it over and over. It brings a peace and renewed understanding. I can't control what he does. It absolutely shocks me that this is happening so quickly without me even being able to have a say in what's happening. Somewhere I was reading about people who avoid emotional conflict till it gets to be too much and they're miserable. I think that's what happened with us. He just blew earlier than I did.
This isn't fair, but some things never are. Regardless of what happens, I'm in a better place. This was a huge wake up call to embrace what is most important in life, to give me a purpose beyond just surviving. This has stripped away my indecision and freed me to be more open and energetic. I do what I do because I believe in what is good and right. I believe in love and marriage, in family and joy. Just because I have found peace in DBing doesn't mean he has to be in the same place in his mind.
I'm losing the need to be a control freak. H said he had to make copies of our financials and offered to make copies for me since my attorney would probably want me to have it. I thanked him for being so thoughtful.
While at the store I bought him some of his basic supplies, things that he specifically likes to eat and offered them to him when I got home. No big deal, here's this if you want it.
I don't know if I'm too lackadaisical or just intent on giving him absolute room. My M seems so far gone that working DB with a hands off mentality seems the only way to go.
All the space, all the room, all the freedom he wants. Validation, understanding and making positive changes for me as I emerge from a cocoon of a mismanaged marriage.
didn't tell him that in letting go what I couldn't control to the attorney, that I was freed to focus even more on what I could do to improve myself, to feel somehow an even stronger connection to the M.
You are amazing, that's for sure. That is a good space for you to be in.
So...what improvements are you making?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
