As far as being victims of MLCer's.. I agree to the point. It was courageous and needed when H described how he felt. Walking away without dealing with it.. okay, RUNNING away.. wasn't good. Does that make me a victim?
Gypsy, going to be long, all please read and reflect. Sorry, do not remember details to your stitch, but I am sure like nearly all of us here, involves a known or unknow; EA or PA. Here is my answer to your question on being a victim or creator of the M problems. Hope in a positive way you will reflect on these words and they will help you stop beating up on yourself. That is not to say, we have a faults and inflicted wounds, still we are in a M. I'm quoting a Dr. and sorry do not have his name and will have to search my files to find it. For my own sainity, I printed following off and posted it where I'd be sure to see on a regular multiple times per day.....Marriage N Infidelity.. "One person has chosen to break the Most Sacred Oath, the Oath of Loyalty. Your spouse took it upon him or herself to go outside your marriage to seek fulfillment in some way, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME, YOU ARE A VICTIM You share in the problems, but you did not create the infidelity. Even if you have been awful in the relationship it did not give your spouse the right to cheat on you. Didn't your spouse make a promise NEVER to cheat on you?
He had many options: yell back, storm out in protest, sulked, written a person log, talked to friend, clergyman, etc. ask you to go to marriage counseling, separation, etc. Having an affair is not one of the options!!! That is Something Your Spouse Does Without Your Help, No Matter What You Have Done in Your Relationship !!!!"
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I don't know. His actions forced me to choose what I wanted in life, versus the status quo I didn't even realize I settled for.
Did his actions stand by his oath to you? If so then no you are not a victim of his actions.
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increasingly skewed Rube Goldberg adjustments
. me, dumb dumb and do not (I know I should know the answer) get the RG????
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This time of upheaval, separation and looming divorce, also brings an awareness to me, of reflection, mediation and increasing awareness.
Remember, Michelle and DBing, abit of reflections, then go for actions, baby steps, what babysteps, actions are you taking.? Believe Michelle, is trying to get us to move towards awareness and reflections then CONSUME action plans, goals....to be politically correct "change". You know, "Change" is a very difficult little word! Gypsy, guess tonight I'm using your postings as my own journal, sorry, really not fair to you. On the postings of others, (different subjects) DBing is slipping into the shadows and we are here, we need, Babysteps, actions..... just my two cents, thanks for reading. do hope someone finds comfort in these thoughts and words. grid, lost
Last edited by grid, lost; 03/15/0806:55 AM.
-Love of dogs, every time I loose a dog to the bridge,part of my heart goes too. Ever time a puppy/dog comes into my life,he gives me a part of his heart. If live my life long enough, in time I'll have the heart of a puppy. -unknown (w/character limit)
Thanks grid. Appreciate the reminder that we are separate from spouses actions. So true. Just caught up in the storm, that's all.
Iwb, we are more than caught up in a storm. We have been stormed and dragged into the heart of the beast! I have to keep telling myself, "Can not control nor am I responsible for another person's actions." The times I'm able to remember I have zero control over what another person elects to do/ their actions, it is at those times I'm able to find a sense of calm. Not peace rather a physical sense of calm. Anyone else feel such? grid, lost
-Love of dogs, every time I loose a dog to the bridge,part of my heart goes too. Ever time a puppy/dog comes into my life,he gives me a part of his heart. If live my life long enough, in time I'll have the heart of a puppy. -unknown (w/character limit)
That elusive physical calm is a beautiful thing. I usually experience that after I've had a mental blowup over something personally related to H. I rant and rave inwardly, for example when a letter from his lawyer came addressed to our house.
Huh? How could he do this to me? It's bad enough he moved out, served papers, but now I'm responsible for giving him mail from his lawyer. I was going to write "return to sender", or put it in larger envelop with a note to his lawyer asking his client to provide another address since I didn't know where to forward it.
It was all about my hurt, my reactions. After a bit I realized that having his mail showed respect and trust... good things.
**Rube Goldberg: "accomplishing by extremely complex roundabout means what actually or seemingly could be done simply." The expression has been dated as originating in the United States around 1930[1] to describe Rube Goldberg's illustrations of "absurdly-connected machines". Since then, the expression's meaning has expanded to denote any form of overly confusing or complicated system." Think of the machines Wile E. Coyote would make to capture the RoadRunner.
**"I take you to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."
Beautiful words which mean all the more. Pointing the finger at my H leaves three fingers pointing at me. Rereading the vow takes away the rationalization of what is happiness. We just forgot to love and cherish. Very sad.
**Baby steps and actions I'm taking.. hmmm.
Acceptance of what I can't control (though I yowl a bit before I get there.)
Choosing how I respond to situations.
Other things I was doing well.. like cleaning, but getting lost now in all the stuff that's happening.
That elusive physical calm is a beautiful thing. I usually experience that after I've had a mental blowup over something personally related to H.
Gypsy, That elusive physical calm after a mental blowup with H is because you have allowed yourself to release the anxiety inside you. building from the thought of H and conflict. So for me, my physical calm comes once I accept I can not control another person or their actions, another words, why sweat it, let it go. So the minds says, ya that is true and away goes the anxiety.
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I rant and rave inwardly, for example when a letter from his lawyer came addressed to our house.
Huh? How could he do this to me? It's bad enough he moved out, served papers, but now I'm responsible for giving him mail from his lawyer. I was going to write "return to sender",
Have to say, or I am going to say, lol, you almost got it. Should have wrote on it something like, no longer at this address. There how you like that wrench in them gears dearest H, back logged everything a couple more days. Remember DBing, never do anything to help move the D along!!! So he can't work with you on this stitch, neither do you have to him.
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It was all about my hurt, my reactions. After a bit I realized that having his mail showed respect and trust... good things
don't agree!!!! has Nothing to do with Respect, No Trust. Rather 100% pure disrespect for you and your pain. rub it in your face, hell why don't you just call and set all his appointments up. Stop accommodating him! Ok, want me out of your life H, so be it, no longer at this address. JMHO, sure don't like or agree. sorry I call as I see. grid, lost I'm having fun with faces tonight
-Love of dogs, every time I loose a dog to the bridge,part of my heart goes too. Ever time a puppy/dog comes into my life,he gives me a part of his heart. If live my life long enough, in time I'll have the heart of a puppy. -unknown (w/character limit)
Something bad happens at an age when trust should be developed. Trust is broken and fear grows in the cracks. Fear becomes a stronger force than trust. You learn to trust fear and distrust trust.
**Why are we secure with no?
"No" is safe. You may survive that ordeal but a protective knee jerk defense kicks in to protect you, many times overly so.
**Puppy
I love going to shelters, but didn't realize they would actually look for a pet which would fit our needs. Right now I'm thinking I should be more settled before adding another family member, which a dog becomes.
**The only thing you can't change is suicide
Although that might be an inspiration for relieving anxiety, it just give me the willies. I always liked the idea that if you just get started, everything else falls in place.
Thank you for the b'day hugs and all your caring thoughts, gridly one.
That is Something Your Spouse Does Without Your Help, No Matter What You Have Done in Your Relationship !!!!"
why sweat it, let it go. So the minds says, ya that is true and away goes the anxiety.
There how you like that wrench in them gears dearest H, back logged everything a couple more days. Remember DBing, never do anything to help move the D along!!! So he can't work with you on this stitch, neither do you have to him.
has Nothing to do with Respect, No Trust. Rather 100% pure disrespect for you and your pain. rub it in your face, hell why don't you just call and set all his appointments up. Stop accommodating him! 
Ok, want me out of your life H, so be it, no longer at this address. 