Thanks, Nik, that's a great idea, arranging for a C and letting W have the option of accompanying me.
Tonight, I got another taste of how difficult my W is getting to be. When one parent has the kids, the other parent calls them in the morning and again in the evening -- to say Good Morning and to say Good Night. That's been our unwritten practice since the sep began in July.
Background: S7 has ADHD like issues due to his sensory-integration problems (SID), such that he easily gets distracted. The problem arises in this case when one of us calls while S7 (and to lesser extent S3) is preoccupied by something, most often the television. It becomes next to impossible to get their attention, let alone have a conversation with them at such times. This tends to be one of W's pet peeves -- when she calls to talk to the boys, she insists that the television or other entertainment be paused or muted. I have been very careful to either silence or freeze the TV or music when anyone calls, for several months now. I've taken great care to consider her wishes.
Well, tonight W put S7 and S3 each on speakerphone to talk to me when I called tonight. They were both engrossed in some show and neither of them were very responsive in my communications to them. I kept asking, "Hello? Is anyone there? Speak to me." And all I would get were dazed one-word replies. It was useless -- I know that W was there with them, but she just would not halt the distraction so they could talk to me intelligibly. Instead, I could hear her in the background telling them to tell me good night.
If I were to do anything like that, she would never let me live it down. She would scream at me that I am harming her relationship with our sons. But she has no problem when it is me trying unsuccessfully to talk to my sons; this is now the second time in the same number of weeks, to my recollection, that this has happened. It's just so wrong.
Sorry to hear what you are going through..Hearing things like tha make me feel like a whiner going through the crap I am. Do your best to stay strong for your son's... Someday they will understand..
Husband
Last edited by husband; 02/08/0803:02 AM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
As much as possible make all communication with her written so that you can document what you said. And say very little. "I don't know what you are talking about." and "I think we should go to counseling for the sake of the children." would be enough. She seems to be wrestling with an invisible opponent who she calls you. Doesn't mean you are really there doing it.
And all I would get were dazed one-word replies. It was useless -- I know that W was there with them, but she just would not halt the distraction so they could talk to me intelligibly.
This happens to me at times when the girls call me at work to tell me goodnight. It drives me CRAZY when I am having to say "Hello? Anyone there??" and I know H can hear me. It depends on HIS mood how well the phone call goes. I have yet to say a word to him about it, but wanted you to know I have been there, done that and do NOT want the t-shirt.
Maybe a quick email to W with short statements like "Its hard for the kids to see us so distant/divided. Maybe we can think about some sort of co-parenting counseling for their sake".
I sent W a very brief email reply this morning, simply asking her to consider going to counseling with me.
I have not received a reply as yet, but I went ahead and scheduled an appointment for next Friday with a psychologist who specializes in family/marital issues involving children and divorce and separation. He's CBT oriented. I spoke briefly with him by phone, and he seems willing to help, but he has reservations about whether I can get my W to agree to come along. But we both agreed it was worth a try for the sake of the children. I intend to go to the first session alone if need be.
Hey No Code, keep trying. Your sons are worth your efforts. Don't allow the W to sidetrack. You are doing great. I'll keep my fingers crossed that she will go.
LuvMyHusband Me: 41 H: 43 ch: 3 M: 7+ T: 10+ Bomb: EA 8/07, A over phone/net 10/07 Seperated: 9/07 H ended A/EA with OW again on 1/2008 Reconsile: 3/26/2008, H admitted PA
W got too impatient with waiting for me arriving at our residence, and took our kids to meet me at my apartment. I met her there and then asked her about the C. She turned me down flat, said absolutely not, that she didn't need any help in co-parenting our S's, but I could certainly go. She said she didn't have time for yet another appointment, and also said she just can't stand being around me.
No, she doesn't want to try. No, she doesn't believe we could ever get along, or ever agree. She accused me of trying yet another means of getting her to agree with me, like it's some sort of contest or something.
She was really nasty, and even tried to put me down. Made some b*tchy remark about my jacket even.
I tried to reason with her, but it was no use. Nothing, absolutely nothing I say or do, no matter what approach I take, 180 degrees, 360 degrees, whatever, she is so set in her propagandized mindset that I will be seen as wrong. She hates everything about me now.
Right, DBing doesn't work with her. But she is wrong. To get divorced you go before the judge. And the judge judges. He will see through her like saran wrap. You document your niceness and your consideration of your children. You go to the counseling on your own. Send her a polite email giving her the dates and times of counseling and ask her to attend. Hopefully she will answer via email too. It would be lovely if she put her true sentiments on paper. These things will be noted.
PS: I thought of your S3 today, carrying his big 'load' out during the electronics 'incident' at your house. D3 today was helping me carrying stuff out to my car (not relating to moving out). It made me so sad, because my D3 was so very proud to help, just like your son. That's what made me think of you today. You are an amazing father, and its sad that everyone but the mother of your children see this.
For nearly 8 months now, since that horrible day I discovered that the love of my life was untrue, and that my dark life was even worse than I could ever imagine, I have tried to be as accommodating and diplomatic as I can be given the outrageousness of the situation. I have made a good faith effort to do whatever necessary to help us all though this, and I also made a lot of mistakes too.
I tried being a friend. I tried doing things for her. I tried going dark. I tried complementing her. I tried ignoring her. I tried taking all the blame. I tried standing my ground. I tried agreeing with her. I tried defending my position. I tried making the peace. I tried stirring the pot.
Nothing worked. "Baby steps" in this case meant maybe a slowing of her pace away from me, but never reversing it. But even then, it was always short-lived. She always re-plots her course and keeps on towards her goal. I have never known her to be quite this tenacious.
She at first blamed our difficulties on how she claims I treated her. But then, once I was no longer trying to actively defend the M, she changed the blame to be based on how I treated our S's. Suddenly I went from defending myself from accusations of being a bad husband, to defending myself from being called a bad father.
And she claims I have been lying about her being involved with the OM. That she and he are "just good friends" and co-workers. Nothing more. Instead she says that there is no adultery and that all the problems in our M rest with me.
Well, I hired a PI. Earlier this week I found out my W had set up reservations in her name, for tonight and tomorrow night, in a fancy downtown hotel. After I met her to get the kids, the PI tailed her to the hotel and got enough evidence on her and the OM that I can now say I have zero trust of this woman from now on.
I cannot trust anything she says anymore. She lies to my face and acts like she's as clean as the wind-driven snow. And while I am tending our children (though she claims I am a bad father), she's having an adulterous rendezvous with the "friend" she has denied being involved with, even emotionally.
Why the pretense? Why lie? It's bad enough as it is, but why insult my intelligence too?
