MIDLIFE CRISIS- from Michele plus RESOURCE THREADS

[sgctxok]

That's ok. Because you can still monitor responses, and adjust accordingly.

And even if it isn't a 'magic cure'....it can help you deal with the situation, diffuse tensions.

[brandnewday]

I would love to have some examples of just how to handle this.

[short1]

Me too. This does seem to be the big issue in this one area of MLC. The spouse we are dealing with is radically different almost overnight. My H is different day to day. My behavior has limited impact. Sometimes if I am nice one day, he responds. Then often hours later he will do an about face.

My best example of this is him wanting to go to MC. He was very excited about it. By the time he got there he was so angry. My guess is OW and him had a fight. And that is a problem. We are not just dealing with our spouses, but also with another person that we never interact with and have no knowledge of, yet that person has equal or greater influence on our spouse.

[brandnewday]

Short,

I guess we are supposed to act as if.....

Act as if what??

Our lives are turned upside down over night.

Our Spouse spews insane things and accuses us of trying to ruin their lives.

There are hundreds of things they do, and I want to know how a LBS is supposed to respond?

It doesn't matter if you are texting, talking on the phone, or if there is a full moon shining outside.

If you change the way you usually communicate and talk in the garage instead of the bedroom.

If you eat your way through tons of cheese as you look for even more cheeseless tunnels to run through.

Detach, attach.

Go dark.

Shine bright.

None of this will help you to understand MLC, because the rules are so different.

Each case is different.

Keep trying something new until you are exasperated and still haven't had a damned babystep.

Take up yoga, join the gym, pray, learn to play the harmonica, speak Japanese and journal.

Nothing changes.

[Valentine]

Short, I agree with you...and what if your H NEVER talks about your R...

How long are you supposed to wait for them to talk about wanting to go to MC or to talk about your R?

My H talks in riddles all the time and I cannot tell if he wants to file, wants me to file or is just feeling me out.

Plus, I have no idea if he has OW...who may, or may not have a large influence on him.

How long do we wait for these answers to reveal themselves?

The man I look at now...does not resemble the man I married very much so I know I cannot gauge his responses based on anything I knew of the man in the past.

[sgctxok]

Great Question. ACT AS IF sounds like a vague concept.

ACT AS IF is real life, in the moment. In this situation, it's not pretend everything's roses and he's coming back any second now.

It can be something like he didn't call your son tonight like he was supposed to. He's living with another woman. She may even have kids. They Your kid's really really disappointed. You hurt for your kid if not for yourself. How do you act?

Unless you're in super control of your emotions, you probably often react according to how you think and feel about the situation.


ACT AS IF is about 'framing' if you look at it the 'Tony Robbins' way.

You'd probably act very differently if you assumed in the different manners as below....let's look at some options:

1) He's with HER.(aack!) She wants him to...run errands for her, , have dinner and or wild sex with her. How would you act?

2) He's with HER KIDS (argh!!!) He's going to HER kids soccer game, helping her kids with homework...watching HER sick kids. What would you do?

3) He's working. Probably ignoring her and her kids too. What would you say to your kid?

4) He's overwhelmed. She won't let him call your kid. She's watching his every move. What would you say to him?

5) He's a doofus. He forgot? What would you say to your kid?

6) He's overwhelmed by everything. He's sick. He wasn't trying to hurt anyone, just couldn't get it together?




How would you handle each of those situations? Most likely VERY DIFFERENTLY?


Your actions (that followed your assumptions) will guide the NEXT interactions with your H...and maybe even that kid's interactions with your H.

Which assumptions do you choose?


ACT AS IF with the high road. Or one of them. (sometimes it isn't crystal clear--probably 4 or 6, maybe 5. NOT likely to be 1-3.

[sgctxok]

Valentine,

He...'never talks about your relationship'. Talk is highly overrated. At the end of the talk...you want the actions to occur.

That said....perhaps like you, one of my 'love languages' is affection...and I want G to 'talk to me' tell me how much he loves me and cares about me blah blah blah.

In times of stress I am NEVER gonna get the talk. The talk is going to be bad.

But he expresses his love by doing things for me...buying PRACTICAL gifts. And even in the hard times in the relationship...he will do those things.

Look for THOSE kinds of signs. Train him later.

It works. I've done it.

I get those words, the romance, the real giving, now, in return..

[Valentine]

Aaaaah! You know what? He is doing those things...

Came a fixed my shredder after I put too many expired credit cards in it!

Thought that was nice.

I agree, talk is highly overrated. and I DO want actions to occur right after the talk as well....

Yup, want him to tell me how much he loves me, blah, blah, blah...as well! LOL!

He buys me small presents...but well thought out ones...a CD or DVD that he KNOWS I will like...etc...so different than before when he would spend oodles of money...I loved the presents then as I do now...but now I know that he didn't spend an outrageous amount on stuff.

I think the "talk" is gonna be bad either way...but I am not gonna push it. It is hard to stay and wait patiently...but maybe that is one of the things I am supposed to learn from all of this...

He does not tell me he loves me and I don't tell him I love him either...but I guess it shows in the things that he does for me...except that I am the kind of person that needs to hear "I Love you" all the time...makes me feel special. But, oh well...for now, gotta live without it.

There are times I wonder if he will ever be even a fraction of the loving person he once was. Not that I want him to be the same...just wonder if we will ever be close again, if we will ever truly be friends, even.

Best not get ahead of myself and work myself into a tizzy!

Thanks for your words...

[sgctxok]

np...SOME folks think I haven't actually lived it and I have. Been through ALL KINDS of books/programs...came to DB and it LITERALLY and FIGURATIVELY saved my life.

You get it.

"I think the "talk" is gonna be bad either way...but I am not gonna push it. It is hard to stay and wait patiently...but maybe that is one of the things I am supposed to learn from all of this..."

You're right.


"There are times I wonder if he will ever be even a fraction of the loving person he once was. Not that I want him to be the same...just wonder if we will ever be close again, if we will ever truly be friends, even. "


Probably he will and you will.

You've got my prayers, even though you quoted a Jesuit over a Franciscan.

[sgctxok]

FROM AMYC:


MrsH,

If no one believes in a MLCer, I don't know how they'd ever get back. If no one stood for them while they were lost. Yes even though at the time they're "lost" they don't know it. You have a lot of power if you're a believer in the Word of God. It says that the "unbelieving spouse is sanctified (which means literally, "set apart and made holy") by the believing spouse".

You may not know my story but after I came out of MLC, I realized I'd been prepared in church during the year prior to it. I had been given every single tool I had to use to claw my way out, and then endure the guilt, regret and shame in the aftermath. I also came to know that someone had "prayed me out" and I asked God repeatedly over a period of a few months WHO prayed me out. I never got an answer until I got up in the middle of the night one night for a drink of water. I stood in the dark at my kitchen sink and saw plain as day, my husband on his knees at my side of the bed. Everything had been changed around by then but when I saw it, everything was exactly as it had been previously. I am a believer that the spouse that finds themselves here has a role to play in the salvation of his/her spouse. The Bible says so. It is YOU - if you believe - that sets your spouse apart from all other "sinners". YOU and your FAITH that moves God. But too many can't see the forest for the trees because it simply hurts so bad and seems so hopeless. That's why you have to cling to the vine. If you've ever been a believer, go back. That's not only going to be the source of your peace at this time, but it's the only way to save your husband. The question then becomes how much do you love them? Can you love them with the heart of Christ? To do so, you have to first have it yourself.

There are many practical tools that you will be able to put to good use with varying degrees of success. The only foolproof way I know of to tear your family from the hands of the enemy is to lay it at the foot of the cross.

Be aware that when you do so, your journey probably will become longer. This is because when you put yourself in that gap on behalf of your spouse, God is first going to deal with you. When you have reached a place within yourself where you can truly look at yourself through the eyes of God and ask Him to change YOU, then you'll be getting somewhere. But only if you really, honestly seek the truth.

Thank you, MrsH.

Because of what you inspired me to write, I just might be able to find my own way back to the foot of cross one more time.

Maybe...