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#1751032 - 04/13/09 03:03 PM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: naej]
kai Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/09
Posts: 49
naej,

You know nothing about my story either but you seem to have jumped to some conclusions.

I am not a LBS, nor am I hanging on to the hope that my marriage will be restored. I do not believe that my former spouse is sick or mentally ill. I do believe that he is having some type of identity crisis or MLC but this is not certain -- he very well may just be a coward.

I ended my marriage and filed for the divorce after spending the last two years of a 14 year relationship listening to my spouse tell me that he loved me, was happy and wanted to be married to me.

The problem was he didn't seem to be happy and the situation was causing me unhappiness. I tried to talk with him numerous times over that period and near the end we tried counselling. He didn't waver from the above even though he decided at some point to begin an extramarital affair. Just to be clear, I did not find out about the affair until seven months after I ended the marriage.

I do not believe that someone should stay in a marriage or relationship when they are no longer happy and fulfilled. I am not religious and do not believe that God has anything to do with marriage.

I do believe, however, that anyone who does not have the decency to be honest and upfront and tell their spouse that they want out BEFORE beginning an emotional and/or physical relationship with someone else is a coward.

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#1751083 - 04/13/09 05:01 PM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: kai]
naej Offline
Member

Registered: 11/14/01
Posts: 3790
Loc: UK
Kai, I am sorry you felt all my post related to you it was a generalisation in the main but I did think your calling the poster
Quote:
immature and cowardly

was not a very nice thing to do.
Your own story is perhaps a little different than many here.
I do agree with you about ending one relationship before beginning another but I feel maybe View felt he had done that and maybe his wife didn't or wouldn't hear his words and unhappiness.
I am sorry that dispite your husband saying he loved you etc you still felt the need to D and the problems could not be resolved.
I don't see how you ending the marriage makes him a coward.
Could the affair have begun after you filed?
The beauty of this site is that we all have differing POV and yet we all come together from all walks of life to support each other through their own personal pain.
Maybe as your story is different from many you will able to offer insight to the newcomers.

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#1751104 - 04/13/09 05:32 PM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: naej]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 3015
Um, no, I don't see this as name calling or out of the conversation parameters. Nor should you apologize for somebody else's post. That's not a responsible way to have a conversation.

I suspect we're all saying similar things. We think that communication is important. Whether we are religious or not. We think that commitment is important whether we are brave or a coward. We think that it takes a great deal of courage to stick it out and try even when faced with overwhelming odds and pressure to divorce. Many of us think that divorce is not the answer to the problems a WAS has. We often have to allow that we could be wrong, but I for one feel my trust was betrayed when my WAS decided that she no longer wanted to trust me. And decided to take that trusted relationship outside the marriage to other males. What is often termed an emotional affair (or EA).

I'm certainly open to hearing the other side of the conversation. I came here exactly for that. But it has to be real. It has to be open. I suspect other spouses came to this location for the same reason - to hear it. Unadulterated.

If a WAS cannot share their feelings here, anonymously it almost proves out the idea that was posted - coward. That's ok.

I don't think the poster's here are cowards, for what its worth. I think they have something to say. I don't yet know what that is yet I hope to hear it. I know I don't have any answers. I have questions. I have opinions. I have comments. I am in NO position to pass judgement. I may become a WAS before much longer. Then I may have something to say here. \:\)

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#1751146 - 04/13/09 06:14 PM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: naej]
kai Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/09
Posts: 49
You apologized to view for my post so, absolutely, it was related to me.

I read view's post to say that he/she had an affair, fell in love with the OP, and concluded that the love for his/her spouse must be gone. "Sent out signals" is not discussing your unhappiness with your spouse. If my intepretation is correct, I stand by what I wrote in my first post.

My husband was telling me that he loved me and wanted our marriage while he was having an affair. The affair most certainly did not start after I ended the marriage. If it had, I would not call it an affair because once separated, we are both free to pursue other relationships as far as I am concerned.

He kept me emotionally connected to him by telling me the above, while he disconnected from me by pursuing another relationship. After I ended the marriage he told me that he stopped loving me a long time ago. That is what makes him a coward.

BTW - even he admitted that he is a coward and believes that he is having a MLC.


Edited by kai (04/13/09 06:16 PM)

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#1751150 - 04/13/09 06:22 PM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: kai]
naej Offline
Member

Registered: 11/14/01
Posts: 3790
Loc: UK
This is my final reply on this matter but I reiterate that I actually apologised for the highlighter bit only.The rest was generalisation.
Maybe I should not have felt the need to apologise for that.
However I did.
I would like View to continue posting and didn't want him to feel judged.

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#1751151 - 04/13/09 06:23 PM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: kai]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
If you're not free to marry, then you're not free to date! Cheaters somehow are able to justify their actions. It doesn't change the fact that they are cheating. Cheating while married is wrong, period!


.02
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#1751183 - 04/13/09 07:12 PM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: antlers]
kai Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/09
Posts: 49
What about places where there can be a long waiting period before divorce? Someone on another forum claimed they lived in a country that had a five year waiting period if the divorce is contested by one of the parties.


Edited by kai (04/13/09 07:12 PM)

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#1751187 - 04/13/09 07:17 PM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: kai]
antlers Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 3041
I'm talking about in general, when two people are married, and one of them decides that it's OK for them to cheat on their spouse!
_________________________
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.

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#1751191 - 04/13/09 07:20 PM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: antlers]
View Offline
New Member

Registered: 12/24/08
Posts: 13
Antlers is right about cheating...it is wrong and I admit that and I believe if you do something wrong you should apologize and move on. That is what I have tried to do. As for the MLC stuff, to me this is just more psycho-babble--an easy to use term for a complex situation that is different for everyone. Judged, as naej put it? Oh my, yes, I have been judged up one side and down the other by my ex and (I believe) through her prompting even by my kids...I have caused a lot of damage, I know that, but I have been damaged a lot in the process...

I got married when I was 21...I'm about double that now...and I think I have learned a lot along the way and am much wiser and even better despite my failures. I am OK with where I am at. Maybe I do not have anything to offer...other than things tend to work themselves out in the end if we sometimes just get out of our own way...

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#1751210 - 04/13/09 07:44 PM Re: New forum for Walk Away Spouses [Re: View]
kai Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/09
Posts: 49
Antlers, I wasn't sure what you meant. I have noticed many believe that people should not date until the divorce is final and personally, I find that very unrealistic.

View, From what I have read, there is a lot more to a MLC than infidelity. Does your former spouse have other reasons to believe that you had or are having a MLC or did he/she grasp that in the hopes that you would come out of the "fog" and return to the marriage?

How long ago did your separation/divorce occur?

Whatever the reason for your infidelity you must try to understand that no matter what the state of a relationship, NOTHING is more painful than the discovery that a partner has been unfaithful. It shakes a person to the core; destroying trust, confidence, self-esteem, sense of stability, etc. All of this will take a long long time to recover from.

When I first ended my marriage, I was sad, uncertain and scared but was determined to move forward with my life. When I started discovering all of the things my now XH had done, culminating with discovering the affair, everything changed. It has now been ten months and I cannot begin to imagine starting a romantic relationship with anyone.

Are you still with the person you had the affair with? How is that relationship? Is he/she able to trust you given the old sayings "If they will do it with you, they will do it to you" etc.

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