Why the PI? Is NC a no fault state? You may be better off getting an attorney yourself.
Contacting the OMW is a tough one. It will most likely backfire and blow up in your face.
The co-worker will also be a dead end. You are trying to use logic to change your W's behavior. You cannot use logical behavior in an illogical situation.
Have yourself prepared for the worst and hope for the best..
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
I am not so much interested in gathering more "intel" for the sake of the M, as I am in protecting myself and my relationship with my S's in a custody fight.
Nothing I have said or done in the last seven months have really averted my W from her course. Her original plan was to walk-away with my S's, take up residence with the OM east of this area, and replace me as my children's father. She was so convinced she knew my heart that she actually believed I would not only not fight her but welcome the splitting up of my family. When I proved to have a different heart on the matter, however, she merely regrouped, recalculated her course ever so much, but nevertheless re-plotted her course towards her goals.
W's anger over these intervening months has been with me because she sees me as her chief obstacle to her "chance for happiness." In the beginning she thought her only obstacle was time -- the state's required 12-month separation period before the granting of a D. But with me having stated my opposition to D and for the hope of rebuilding the M, her "waiting out the clock" has turned into a very infuriating ordeal for her.
Furthermore, with me no longer actively talking about saving the M, she still sees me not budging on remaining to be the father of our two S's and in a very active role. This too is being seen by her as a serious obstacle to her desires and goals, so her anger and hostility continue unabated.
I have to come to grips that my W is waging a covert war against me, and I cannot take this lying down anymore.
I am prepared to hire an atty. The one I last spoke with advised me that to thwart any claim to alimony it would be best that I had proof of the PA, although the circumstantial evidence is usually enough.
I really am feeling that in order to get my W to recognize she's just not going to cake-walk all over me, I need to be prepared to lower the boom on her, if it proves necessary. No, I cannot change her behavior, but I can do what I can to back her off some, for the sake of my kids.
I guess I may not be cut out for surviving this psychological warfare my W is waging on me. And I know that is what it really is, psychological warfare.
For the second time in about two months, W has "accidentally" packed one of her pairs of underwear in with my S's clothes that I bring over each weekend. It's starting to really work on me, and she has to know this.
A little background: my W has always gravitated towards undergarments that she considers to be "modest" and "comfortable". She has always hated underwire bras and hates thin straps in anything. More importantly, she had major surgery on her pelvic bone when she was 19, and still suffers a serious scar above her left cheek and hip area below her waist, and it still to this day can cause her great pain such that she cannot abide much pressure there. As such she has always been adamantly opposed to wearing hip-huggers, bikini bottoms, or thigh-high briefs or anything like that for very long and certainly never for regular daywear. (Thongs are absolutely verbotten.)
(There was a time early in our marriage when she took me shopping for a new bathing suit, and she about read me the riot act for suggesting a nice two-piece. We have never seen eye-to-eye on that, and I refrained from ever getting involved in helping her pick out swimwear.)
For the last ten years or more, W's choice in panties were what I would call a highly unflattering type that even senior ladies might find too modest. Granny-panties for lack of a better term (no offense to anyone intended, BTW). But I didn't marry her for her sense of style anyway, so who cares, right?
Well, I've already encountered her new collection of underwire push-up bra's, and now twice she has packed into my S's clothing, accident or not, an example of the everyday modern "girlie" bikini-style underwear she is apparently now wearing for everyday use. I know this must cut across her scar enough to irritate her, as she used to claim, but now it's all okay? After all these years?!? WTH?!?
The last time I just silently put the panties back into the kids clothes I send back with the boys, with no mention of the incident. This time, however, I have felt like driving down there and throwing them in her face!
But then if this happens not to have been an accident, then all that would do would be to show her she's found yet another way to get under my skin.
So I'm considering "accidentally" packing a pair of my own underwear, a pair of silk boxers -- scented with some of my nicest new cologne -- in with some of the things I send back with the kids. That'll teach her!
... Or... I could acquire a nice lace bra -- one with a larger cup size and smaller chest size than W's own dimensions -- and pack that into the clothes I return!
I would not say anything or do anything. It's like I used to tell my D's when they were young. the oldest would always do somehting to the younges just to get a reaction.. I finley talked the youngest to just ignore her and she will stop bucause it's not fun anymore.... I would just put them in a bag somewhere... Heck start a collection... Clothing is tax deductable at the salvation army...
Dr Love
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I agree with Husband. Why return them? If she did pack them on purpose, it would be interesting to see if she says anything when she doesn't get them back.
Even if I do hang onto her panties (that didn't sound right, did it?) W will never say anything though -- she'll just get perturbed that she didn't get them back.
I guess I might even anticipate her also coming back over to my apartment again, when I'm not there, to ransack my place and recover her belongings -- and then try to pass it off as coming over to borrow another DVD for the boys (or some other such nonsense), just like the time she came over recently to retrieve that hideous stuffed bear toy named after the OM. <shudder>.
(If this keeps up I may need to start really thinking about some security for my place.)
Hey NCB - haven't read your whole sitch but I see some of my pals posting to ya so thought I would too!
Personally.. I think I'd toss the panties (the Salvation Army doesn't want used ones ). Not return them, not keep them, not escalate the stupid psych game she seems to be playing, just get rid of them. Like H said, it won't be fun anymore if you do that. Not to mention.. those things tend to be pricey. It will not only be "not fun," it will get expensive for her!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Thanks, Nik, feel free to post anytime. (I lurk over on your thread sometimes too.)
Well, for now, I just sealed this current "stowaway" up within a large ziplock bag -- along with a note in case the W snoops them out (which I would no longer put beyond her). The note basically calls her on her petty little mind-games. I'm storing this package in my linen closet for the time being, unless I think of something else.
Other than that, I need to ignore her as much as humanly possible and get all this crazy-making drama out of my life.
The question I have is -- if my W can find that off-switch controlling her love for me, why the heck can't I find the switch that shuts off my love for her?
Thanks NCB! Haven't been here since the beginning but I'll try to catch up.
Oh yeah - totally agree w/Sara, change the locks!!
I still think I'd just toss them (and the ziplock and the note).. seems like it's just more of that crazy-making drama waiting to happen.
Ohh yeah, that switch.. if ya find it you'll be a very rich man!! I think we're all looking for that one. It's like the Staples Easy button but it actually works.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
). Not return them, not keep them, not escalate the stupid psych game she seems to be playing, just get rid of them. Like H said, it won't be fun anymore if you do that. Not to mention.. those things tend to be pricey. It will not only be "not fun," it will get expensive for her!