DR Chapter 3 - Know What You Want

[Toomanywords]

Ok, since I am here and reading.
1st and foremost would of course- H wanting to at least work on the R. Be in an R with me. Otherwise anything I list here is not much good.

I too would want to make more quality time to enjoy each others company.
We would spend time together, but he would be doing homework, I would be watching tv. We did watch movies together, we watched tv together- but we sat seperately, we weren't really "together". If that makes any sense.

I am adopting this from a previous post: Have a better understanding of each others needs and expectations.

Make our relationship a priority

Have a life outside each other.

Trust each other with the life outside of the other.

[Jamesjohn]

Hey sparkie! I'm glad you caught the bump on this thread, and remembered that you were here!

You did a really great job here, and it looks like your efforts paid off! You've been giving some really wonderful help to others lately too, btw!

I really can't emphasis enough the importance of knowing what you want, and setting up some goals to help you get to where you want to be. I'm seeing so many people here lately that have tried to skip this part of the process, and are getting frustrated, feeling that they're heading either backwards, or nowhere at all. Sometimes, they might actually be making progress, and not even realize it!!

I love your solution to your short-term memory loss/procrastination! I think that I might have to give that one a try, too! Maybe I'll start tomorrow!

[sparkie]

Thank you for the kind words JJ and a very sincere and heartfelt THANK YOU! from the hearts of both my W and I for your being here for me during my darkest days.

I really can't emphasis enough the importance of knowing what you want, and setting up some goals to help you get to where you want to be. I'm seeing so many people here lately that have tried to skip this part of the process, and are getting frustrated, feeling that they're heading either backwards, or nowhere at all. Sometimes, they might actually be making progress, and not even realize it!!

I remember myself being caught up in the same vicious circle as some others who are here now. This thread you started way back then was one the most important ones for me in my sitch. Thanks again JJ!

Oh and JJ...

...Maybe I'll start tomorrow!

Thanks for the LOL!

[dogma]

Thanks too JJ,

I borrowed this and posted it in Divorced but not Done forum.

I know have no focus or objective, so I do not know where I am headed.

Come visit the wayward over there soon.

[Jamesjohn]

Hi Toomanywords!

1st and foremost would of course- H wanting to at least work on the R. Be in an R with me.

What would be some of the first signs that your H would be willing to work on, and be in, an R with you? What are some of the small things that you would like to see?

We did watch movies together, we watched tv together- but we sat seperately, we weren't really "together". If that makes any sense.

Define "together", from your point of view. What would "together" look like in your eyes, besides just being in the same room? What specific things would be different than what you are doing now, what might an outside party be seeing?

Great start!

[Toomanywords]

Signs that he would want to work on it and be in a R would be him saying so- obviously. Making more effort to call and spend time with me. Small things would be him calling. Him initiating contact. Email, phone, hugs...eye contact?

It is hard to say, especially since right now he seems so resolved to move on and close this chapter of his life, etc.

Together would be sitting next to each other- acknowleding each other's presence. We used to watch movies and tv while laying on the same couch, cuddling. I would always fall asleep in his arms because of the rhythm of his heart beat. If it was something scary we were watching, he would hold me- at least hold my hand. Same for a romantic movie.

This is hard, since I know what I want from the relationship - but it seems that nothing can happen until he wants it.

[Jamesjohn]

Signs that he would want to work on it and be in a R would be him saying so- obviously.

Yes, this would be great! Unfortunately, however, it seems to go that these actual words usually don't come until we're well into the reconciliation process. However, it IS a great thing to shoot for! So, just because you don't hear this, don't give up hope yet!

Making more effort to call and spend time with me. Small things would be him calling. Him initiating contact. Email, phone, hugs...eye contact?

When is he calling you and spending time with you lately? What's going on just before this happens? If you're having any conversations, when are the times that they go the best?
When does he seem to be the most comfortable around you? When do any conversations or visits seem to last the longest?

How often are YOU initiating contact with HIM? What happens when you don't try to get in touch with him for awhile?

[Toomanywords]

I won't give up hope-ever.

This is all hard to answer because it has only been 4 weeks. I was doing a lot of the calling and initiating. But I have stopped. He calls to tell me something or ask me something or respond to a message I left. I might have to wait and come back to these questions. Conversations have gone best when I don't bring up R talk. He seemed pretty comfortable when he came over on Tuesday, before the R talk. Tuesday was the day I was able to let it all out and let go and tell him so.

[sparkie]

Here you go JJ, earlier than expected.

It's kind of hard answering these questions from 26 months ago (my math was 12 months off ^up there^). I tried my best to go back to that time in my sitch to give you the most honest answers I could.

5. Have a better understanding of each others needs and expectations.

What are your needs and expectations?

My needs are to feel loved by my W and for my W to share her feelings with me so I can better understand her. I need for my W to accept my love for her and have compassion and understanding of my feelings.

My expectations are for my wife and I to work on our marriage together in the future. I expect open lines of communication between us and to stop playing the "mind reading" game. I expect us both to be true to ourselves by being who we are, NOT who we think the other wants us to be. I expect a 50-50 marriage with equal amounts of giving and taking. I expect us to learn and grow together as we find out more and more about each others needs and expectations.

What do you think hers might be?

I feel my W is expecting me to provide her happiness for her. She said she married me so she could be happy again. I feel this may be what she meant when she said it was a mistake to have married me. She discovered that I could not provide her with her own happiness.

My W also expected me to be a father to her children. After her divorce from H#1, their children were nothing more than a distant memory to him. He left town, no calls, no B-Day cards, no X-Mas gifts, no child support, no anything. Her kids were young then, D9 and S7 so a father figure was important for them. Needless to say, being a step-father is not an easy task. As the kids grew older, I was becoming more of a nuisance to them than anything else. This was not what my W wanted for her children. Once again her expectations of me fell short.

What times in your life together do you think that you have both have been meeting each other's needs? What were you both doing at these times?

My love languages are Quality Time and Physical Touch. My W and I would often go down to the beach and watch the sunset. We would embrace each other and together we'd just stare in the same direction. We would talk about our future and could see ourselves in our dream cabin in the mountains.

We would also take walks at night, holding hands and talking about our day. On other nights we'd run, laugh, and play sidewalk games. We were just 2 kids, 2 best friends, having fun together.

Those were the times im our marriage where I felt the most love from my wife. I was getting both Quality Time and Physical Touch at the same time. I say was because during the last year leading up to our separation, we no longer went down to beach nor took those walks. My wife was always too tired or she had a headache. I feel that was one of the "signals" I failed (or ignored?) to notice that something was wrong in our marriage.

As for me meeting my W's needs...apparently I rarely, if ever, succeeded in that area. I thought my love for her was enough. How was I supposed to provide her with her own happiness? Her happiness had to come from within herself. How could I be a father figure for her children when she belittled me or became enraged at my attempt to do so. I couldn't be the type of father figure she needed. How could I, she never let me know what she needed from me as a father to her children.

What were YOU doing that you think might have made her feel like you understood her needs, and made her more open to understanding your needs?

I don't think either of us ever truly knew what each others needs were. Our communication skills sucked!! You go into a marriage and expect it to run on auto-pilot forever. Pretty sad when you think about it.

[Jamesjohn]

UP!!!