Busy at work today and this week so not much time to post, but things are going really really well.
FW had a rough couple of days last week, but we talked about a lot of stuff and things are once again smooth sailing.
OW is out of the apartment, and moved into her new house so we are DONE with that chapter for good except for 1-2 more final bills that will need to be paid.
She changed the stupid locks after he moved home and didn't give a key to the landlord. FW's name is the one on the lease so I'm sure he will probably be charged for them to change them all back so they can open the apt with their master key. Small price to pay I guess to have her out of our hair completely.
I was just talking to FW this morning about how small things will strike me that are so different this time from the last. Things so small that I didn't really notice them. For instance, this morning FW was taking his vitamins and a thought struck me about last time he was home. I remember buying him a bottle of his vitamins when I was at the grocery last time he was home. No big deal. Just part of grocery shopping. When I brought them home he offered to pay me back for them. Then I remembered that he did that with nearly everything I bought for him, diet cokes, vitamins, his blood pressure medicine, etc etc.
When I was buying them I never really thought about it as if I was buying something for him and needed reimbursement, but as part of our regular shopping that just needed to be done.
Anyway, to get to the point. I realize this time that he's not doing that. That even though he wants to maintain his own checking account (my control over the budget and all the money was a big issue with him that I didn't realize until he came back)that it's not a "his and mine" issue anymore like it was then. His attitude about it has changed. Now it's OUR money even though there is a second account instead of just one.
It stressed me out when he first moved back that he wanted to maintain his own checking account. In 15 years of marriage we have NEVER had seperate accounts so that was a HUGE change for me and I was really stressed about making my budget with his check going into another account.
I realize now that I was afraid he was still going to be doing the "his and mine" thing. I was afraid that I was still going to have to live on the budget I had while he was gone and he was going to do whatever he pleased with his money.
That has not been the case at all and I'm starting to relax about that quite a lot now and things are better for me.
OK, I've rambled on enough.
I do find it funny that I'm not worried about OW at all really. Little moments here and there, but I have not had any desire to snoop on FW, to check his email, to check his phone, nothing. Those things never even cross my mind. It's very refreshing to feel that way. It's funny that the things that sometime stress me out are things that I never realized would and the things that I thought would don't seem to bother me at all.
Just going along with the flow and things are going well.
Time to get back to work.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
FW, it is funny because I have thought about the financials for quite a bit more than I should. Although, it is so important just to have my W back home, I think about how we have been impacted with her earning an income and not helping with anything.
My S11 made a comment after scouts the other night that he wanted to get a haircut. I said to him that his mom will have him the next night and following day so he should check with her. This wasnt my trying to get my wife to carry some parental responsibility. It was simply a matter of convenience since there wouldn't be an opportunity to do so. My S said I dont want to ask mom because she doesnt have much money. I chuckled and said I am sure it is okay son because I take care of the four of us and she only has herself to take care of financially. Oops. I did not mean that to come out but it did. Damage already done.
Anyway, when my W comes home (how is that for positive thinking), I have no intention of worrying about her finances or her paycheck until she is ready to merge the two together again. I expect her to retain her own accounts (we always had one account but she never earned a consistent paycheck until she left) so we can write checks to each other when we need to pay shared bills.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
It is so good to read happy stories like yours. I too have a H who came home once (for 18 months) but doesn't seem to even be looking back this time. This gives me a very small amount of hope.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
BFM - just wanted to thank you for offering encouragement on my post about my D talk with H. It helps to hear "been there, done that, and it's better now". This a.m. I started focusing on what he had said and stopped myself by remembering your post.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
BFM, I am curious about something. I don't know if FW would have any insight here or not. H and I have little to no contact and have for several months. My S32 was diagnosed with cancer last year. H was devastated and was going to drive me to where he was to be treated but OW had a fit and he lashed out at me and told me awful things. He did bring our youngest S down there later when he found out that S32 had surgery and was beginning treatment.
I just got back from being with S32 while he had some pretty intense surgery (hopefully the last of the treatment). I didn't tell H about it before hand and just sent an email update along with other friends and family. I had to leave before S32 was discharged from the hospital. His wife was unable to join him and I was very concerned about leaving S32 there alone.
My MIL and FIL called me and told me that they were coming up to spend some time with him but wouldn't be able to come until 2 or 3 days after I left. H has ignored my S32's condition and not contacted him in any way for the past year. H saw S32, DIL, and 2GSs briefly at Christmas at S18's basketball game. First contact in over a year. When I got home, S20 called from college and said I have some strange news about Dad. He is leaving tomorrow to be with S32 until Grandpa and Grandma get there. S20 and I were shocked and H went without OW, too.
Does this mean anything? I prayed all the way home from being with my S32 that I would receive some kind of sign that H will eventually be returning home to us. This happened the day I got home. Then that night I dreamed that H came home and OW (who we socialized with when we were together and she was still with her H). I believe those were the signs I ask for but I was just curious as to FW's thoughts. Sorry for the highjack. I know that he can't really tell me what H is thinking but any input will be appreciated.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
