It was originally meant just as a cathartic exercise -- I have lots of letters I've written over these last six months that are filed away but will never be sent.
I agree with Sara...don't send this letter to MIL!
Best to just let it go....write and write and write and then burn, burn, burn. Write some more if you need to...burn some more. You don't want to re-read this stuff...it's rancid and toxic.
Think about what the reason is for sending it to her. Do you want to p1ss her off? undoubtedly that will work. Do you want MORE drama in your life? You'll get it if you send that.
detach my dear. Detach.
[Now where is that 'pot calling kettle black' icon]
I may be overreacting (when under-reacting got me into this marital situation in the first place.) I need to reconsider whether to respond at all. I've talked to W, W's Aunt and W's Sister (mother of the groom)-- other than W, they seemed non-plussed by the items of contention in MIL's message.
<journaling> It's been the better part of a week since I posted.
I sent no reply to MIL -- I decided that she is beyond being able to talk to anyway. Absolutely nothing good would come from trying to say anything to her or W's sister. All I get is their contempt no matter how much good will I give them. Same with W, but that's another story.
Tuesday, I went to a parent-teacher meeting on S7. W was there. Nothing unusual to report; S7 is apparently doing fairly well. He just needs to work on his writing skills.
Wednesday, I saw another L. Looking for a collaborative law attorney. L agreed that W and I should seek mediation, if possible, and get a Separation Agreement (SA) signed. Suggested we get our 2007 W2's before settling on child support.
Friday, picked up the boys after work. W was trying to get us moved out the door when S3 got his finger caught in the door jam, mashed his right ring finger. (S3 has a bad habit of grabbing the edges of doors as he moves past them.) He cried a bit, but he was okay -- no serious harm. W was furious at me for this incident; and I was upset with her. W blamed me for closing the door on our S's finger. I disagreed but said no more than that. W, as usual, was trying to avoid any physical contact with me as we were ushering the boys outside when this occurred. I was annoyed by another instance of W's neurotic contact avoidance maneuvers, and then it led to S3 getting injured.
S3 brightened quickly enough. So I took the both of them to a friend's house to meet with others from our DivorceCare group. It was a dinner and discussion party, and everyone got to meet my S's in person for the first time. The adults got to discuss our situations in a bit more in-depth, and to trade off self-help/spiritual growth books. The kids kept busy playing with the toys of our host's children.
We're now planning a big get-together at the museum for the kids on Monday.
Saturday, tonight, W forgot -- again -- to call her children before bedtime. The kids, by her own words, should be in bed by 8:00 PM, with "lights out" no later than 8:30. Well, tonight it got past 9:00 PM and she still hadn't called. In the past, her forgetting to call meant she was either out carousing with "friends" or in the company of the OM, but she never admits anything.
I decided I would call W instead, because I didn't want any hard feelings were she to suddenly call after I got them off to sleep. W apologized for not calling herself, and tried to offer some lame excuse about having to work on paperwork at her company's office. I wasn't buying that b.s., and just said, "whatever." I'm sick and tired of the lies and excuses.
Personally, the GAL is having a positive effect. I am feeling so much more detached and insulated from my w and her antics. While I still occasionally feel the pangs of remorse and the sadness in missing the woman I married, I am coming to terms with the reality that person is not likely to come back. In all likelihood, the soul of the woman I married is dead and buried, and I have to treat this situation as such. I am, effectively, the "widowed" father of two wonderful little boys.
Furthermore, if I ask myself do I want this person back, as she is now, I can say emphatically no. I am just not seeing much in the way of redeeming qualities in her right now. I can truly see now where the major source of my deep depression came from, and taking her back now in the state she's in would be another hell on earth from which I might not recover.
No, it would take a huge amount of change in the both of us to right this foundering ship. And my W is showing absolutely no willingness to even consider trying. I'm not despairing so much as realizing I don't really have time for this cr*p. I need to keep moving forward.
Phew!! I am so glad you decided against sending MIL anything. SO GLAD! It all *should* be said, however, it will fall on deaf and bitter ears, and do nothing but increase their nastiness.
I am happy to hear about the nice meeting with S7's school and sorry to hear about S3's little finger. Isn't the contact avoidance annoying? I mean, puleeeeze! All summer, H would visibly flinch/recoil when I touched him. C'mon......spare me.
I know what you mean about not wanting this person, this present person. Its normal to miss what we had, and even mourn it, but we have to realize that this person is gone. Sigh.
Lwb, I also realize that the person I was becoming right before the bomb is also dead and gone. And good riddance. I was not happy and very lost, very bewildered with the outcome of our lives. I can't say what lies ahead or where I am actually headed in my new course, but I know where I am not going, at least no longer. I feel I am now slowly getting my life back on track.
My thanks and gratitude for your support.
CORRECTION: I stated above "Absolutely nothing good would come from trying to say anything to her or W's sister." I meant to say, "Absolutely nothing good would come from trying to say anything to her or MIL's sister." Actually, W's sister still appears to be staying as neutral and even-handed as she possibly can, so I still consider her open-minded.
Wow, I feel the same way. I still look back in amazement at the person I had become prior to the A. I wasn't happy, couldn't figure out why, and sure couldn't answer the question "Why?" as to why I was doing things I was doing. I am still sorting through all of that. And yes, my friend, good riddance to that lwb. That lwb wasn't happy, didn't have her priorities straight, and sure didn't know why. I see myself clearly now and want the person I am working to become.
And very glad to her W's sister is remaining neutral. Does W value her opinion?
I would have thought so at one time. But I can about guarantee that if my SIL should ever say anything to W that is not in support of W's current choices, my SIL would quickly find herself on the outside looking in, by W and by their mother. W and MIL now brook no difference of opinion when it comes to these matters.
Your wife and her mother sound like such hateful people. You mean they will turn their back on anyone who goes against their opinion? If I were you I would try and get more visitation. That is horrible for your children to witness that on a daily level. At least they get to see some sort of decency when they are with you.
