She's gone...I'm devastated, but hopeful

[minkerman]

I do have a few close friends that I can tell anything to. Good suggestion, and I have been doing that. Thanks.

I actually have almost no time left at all, I am keeping so busy (major 180, compared to plopping onto the couch and watching TV when W was here).

Tonight is my only night this week where I have nothing planned!

2 emails from W this morning, both upbeat. Is that good or bad? I'm thinking 'good', since her emails from work recently have been three-word specials.

Maybe my backing off is putting her in a better mindspace?

[SirPrizeMe]

2 upbeat emails is a good sign.
stay detached!

no pursuit!

[minkerman]

Got it, no pursuit!

She called me tonight, was on the phone with her for 46 minutes. Talked a lot about her work, like we used to. She is getting the short end of the stick, and I told her how much I support her and I hate to see her put so much effort in for so little reward.

She was asking me about the changes she is seeing in me, and I went into it a bit, but not too much. She asked if the people I work with are seeing it, and some are, and have commented. She said "wow, all these changes and I'm not there to see it".

She said she has some catching up to do on the personal growth side, her 2 weeks living at her sister's place didn't give her the alone time she needs. She's "hermiting" now (her words) and will start to hopefully be able to reflect on her life and (my words) hopefully see me in it with her.

It was an awesome phone call, and I will take this as a positive sign.

[SirPrizeMe]

great phone call! That's great!

Ok, here's the thing. Now may try to go hide. Not a conscious decision maybe on her part, but, she may run further. Prepare yourself. With that phone call, she is feeling the old warmth between you, she's seeing the changes and is intrigued. But she's wondering - what am I doing? and she's confused. So ... she may stop calling. She may get short with you.

If this happens, don't take it badly. Prepare yourself for it, because it may come. In any case, absolutely DO NOT resume the pursuit.

These positive signs, we want to hang on to them and build on them, but sometimes, it's one step forward, 2 steps back, and you have to be ready for that possibility. Don't go all wobbly now if you don't get another positive sign right away.

Patience!

[minkerman]

Thanks for the words of encouragement and the advice.

We swapped half a dozen emails today...in one she called me sweetie. I know, I know, don't analyze every word...but that's a first since we split.

Best thing to do now, that we're both feeling fuzzy, is for ME to back off a little now, right? Not a lot, just keep her wanting more.

I know I'm in for a possible long ride, but I'll wait as long as I have to and give her whatever she needs, within the boundaries of my dignity.

I'll keep you posted.

[minkerman]

She emailed me this morning, asking me about a meeting I went to last night (yacht club, not AA!) and if her friends there were asking about her.

We talked on the phone just now, short but sweet. Keeping it light, laughing, no relationship stuff, not even a hint of it.

She is stopping by tomorrow to pick up a few things, it will be so nice to see her. I will still keep it light and casual, though all I want to do is hold her face in my hands and gently kiss her and tell her it'll all be OK.

Her deep-seated stereotype of me is that I have a fear of abandonment. This is actually true, and through reflection I have managed to piece together why I am like this, and can now identify concrete ways to work on it. A person with this fear will constantly contact the spouse in order to “not be abandoned”. My 180 is that I am blowing this stereotype for her. Very little contact; brief flurries of emails or a phonecall, then nothing for a few days. This is showing her (not telling her) one of the major changes I have made.

I am also managing all of the finances. This will really throw her off. She always managed all the money before.

One thing that hurts a bit…she told me all her friends are calling her crazy because she is not protecting herself financially. They are telling her I could lock down everything and starve her out because I am angry. They are saying she is the WAW so she is the one seen as abandoning me. What a load of hooey….they don’t know US. We will work through this with love, not anger.

We'll see where this all goes. I can wait a very long time while she finds herself.

[minkerman]

We just spent the whole afternoon together...had a nice talk, but unfortunately ended up having a bit of an argument about me saying she "could have done more" to get through to me before deciding to leave. I felt bad afterward and apologized for the way it came out. The rest of the afternoon was nice, but she is saying she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to get the feeling back again. In her mind she is moving on, I think. I asked her is she was afraid she might be making a mistake, and she said that's what she is struggling with.

She emailed me when she got back to her place.

"nice afternoon, thanks for the pizza

next time, you are coming here"

Feeling down right now.

[minkerman]

Oh, and she said she was angry, seeing all the changes I'm making..."why couldn't you have done this before?" kinda thing. I just told her it took a catastrophic event like this to wake me up to becoming the person I always should have been.

At least she is noticing the changes...

[SirPrizeMe]

YES! stay on course. dont' get antsy.

No R talk. No blaming. Don't say "you could have tried harder." That's fine for you to think it. Put a filter on your mouth. You can think it. But be careful before SAYING IT.

Feeling down? I don't understand. Why?
You had a pretty good afternoon. She texted you. She talked about "next time."

Those all feel like good signs to me! Of course, I know it is not like it was before, when you were living together and everything felt fine, lovey-dovey. I know you feel like things are upside down from not-so-long-ago, from June or July.
But despite all that, recent events seem positive. Take it slow. Keep your chin up. Don't get impatient. Be prepared to wait. Maybe it would help for you to think of it as a necessary stage to go through, in order to get a better relationship.

In the meantime, No R talk. No blaming!

Her being angry with the changes you're making - I consider that a good sign, too.

Stay on track!

[minkerman]

Thanks for the pep talk SPM....of course you are right.

Yesterday's "argument" kinda happened before we could stop ourselves...we sorta called a time out and I apologized to her.

I just got off the phone with her, she had emailed me that her ipod had died so I called her. Nice ten minute call, quite lighthearted. I feel almost a physical pain when we speak - but no way she's ever going to hear that in my voice again. I need to trust in the proven principles.

I visited her parents today, she seemed very touched by that. I love my in-laws and don't want to lose touch with them.

As of this minute, I am back on track. Thanks for being my conscience, SPM.