I am peeved at W, Lwb. But disappointed in her more-so.
I had another heated R talk with W this evening. It began when I mentioned the freakin' stuffed bear toy. When she mentioned coming over to my apartment she had made some excuse about also coming over to get a DVD for S3 ("ChittyChittyBangBang") and that's when I asked her did she find the bear -- only I didn't use that word, I called it by the OM's name.
W got all silent for a moment and then tried to lie to me that it was S7's idea to get the toy in the first place, and that she had tried to get him to choose one of the other stuffed animals available. I just said, "Uh-huh."
W continued to try to explain, and realized I wasn't buying it. She said, "... you don't believe me." Normally she would take whatever I reply to that question with and use it to act all hurt and say I was not capable of trust.
Instead, this time I replied a little differently, saying, "Should I?"
This threw her off momentarily, but she immediately began talking about our relationship at that point, saying, "All I needed from you was a little kindness and communication in our M."
I replied, "Me too."
She got hyper defensive from then on. The conversation launched off on it's mini roller-coaster ride, and then devolved from there. W was trying so very hard to turn the conversation into an argument, and trying to turn every point of contention as another justification for ending our M.
Only it didn't go exactly as she wanted this time. I think W's been under the impression for some time now that I will put up with all manner of cr*p from her just because I want to save our M. This time however I wasn't taking it, and I wasn't letting her put me on the defensive quite so easily. This confused her so much that at one point that she accused me of not talking "rationally". W is so emotionally-driven now of days, and to hear her try to argue something on the merits of it being rational or not was ludicrous.
W then tried to play her "trump card" on me -- complaints about my ability to properly father my 2 S's. I deflected those too.
In the end however I was still disappointed. I was disappointed in W for failing to ask about my own uncle, who passed away early this morning. I was disappointed in myself for having another R talk with W and for failing to remember to put my foot down with W regarding access to my private abode.
I was disappointed in W for failing to ask about my own uncle, who passed away early this morning.
I am so sorry.
Nocode, I totally agree. Just because we want our marriages to work, this does not make us punching bags, a depository for their spew, anger and guilt.
I used to react with hurt when H would be mean to me, now I walk away (and he knows why), or I demand respect. Its worked.
You threw her off. First you busted her on the bear thing, and then you refused to get sucked into the "R Talk Vacuum". Good job.
Hurt, disappointment, betrayal. Those emotions are closer to me than anger. I told H 2 weeks ago how he and his choices have greatly let me down and disappointed me.
The boys and I watched a movie the other night, Meet the Robinsons. It had a motto in it that I recognized came from something Walt Disney himself used to say. It's a very positive slogan: "Keep Moving Forward."
I am going to adopt this as my motto for 2008: Keep Moving Forward.
While I whole-heartedly believe we must learn from our past to be able to avoid repeating problems in our future, we should not dwell in the past either. We must not allow ourselves to forget our path, which leads forwards.
Okay, so my M is over. My W is now the same personality as her mother, all venom and vinegar.
W's uncle was laid to rest this past weekend. MIL stayed with the aunt to help with grieving. I sent flowers to the aunt. W asked me (in an agitated, accusatory tone) why I had sent flowers addressed to her uncle's name. I said because the online florist had asked for the name of the "deceased", not the name of the surviving spouse. W made out to be a stupid act on my part.
W sent me an email this morning. She gave me an ultimatum -- either get my own Separation Agreement (SA) ready to give to her before the end of this month, or we will have to go with her version of the SA. (Yeah, sure, like that's ever going to happen.)
I got home this evening and found that MIL had returned from her trip, and had promptly wrote me a nasty email. It basically told me to not be sending gifts to her side of the family. She objected to the Christmas/Wedding gift I sent to my nephew and his new bride (some books of wisdom to help their fledgling marriage, such as Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages). MIL said that they were not my blood family. Well, that's funny -- that nephew is no blood relation to MIL either!
MIL went further to accuse me of trying to upset her sister, W's aunt, by sending flowers addressed to the deceased uncle. Again they always assume the worst.
MIL accused me of falsely following God. Said that one does not have to go to church to find God -- and whole bunch of excuses for why I am supposedly not a real Christian even though the fruits of her life bear no indication that she is anything but secular in her beliefs. She preaches to me about how I am holier than thou. And then she said that I was not a good Christian if I was poisoning children's lives and minds with "adult" problems.
She then told me to open my eyes and see the truth, "Not YOUR truth but THE truth." Her "truth" is that M is meant to be a "communicating partnership", but if it stops being this and is detrimental to the children (implying that is what I am doing) it is best to separate "and save the children from the angry words. actions and hate."
I was flabbergasted to read this diatribe. The sheer acrimony and belligerence of her tone. I forwarded this email to W without comment, to see what W would say to her mother's vitriolic tirade.
Well, as you can guess, I got a response, and it was very short but even more heart-breakingly astonishing:
"Amen-so be it"
So, my W agrees with MIL on these insane, hostile views of me and my actions. I guess there can be no mistake in this -- in their minds, this is all-out warfare.
Un-freaking-believable! What hypocrisy! I can do nothing right. Nothing I say or do will W or her bitter relations see as anything but wrong. Well, that's their problem! I refuse to let their unending displeasure with me and their unyielding hatred of life deter me from doing what I feel is the right thing to do.
(And I will still pray for their meager little, petty souls. Maybe some miracle by some chance might rekindle the ashes of their hearts. But don't expect me to hold my breath.)
Oh yeah. I am sure any rational person would knowingly try to 'play a joke' on a widower. That is pathetic that they can't acknowledge your nice gesture, instead they twist it. I say 'they' because your W apparently agrees with MIL's crazy rants.
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Well, that's their problem! I refuse to let their unending displeasure with me and their unyielding hatred of life deter me from doing what I feel is the right thing to do.
This is all you can do. Well, no. You could give up and walk around depressed and angry and heartless. But no, you are being a positive role model, letting things go, and praying for the very people hurting you the most. Your sons are so lucky to have you. Your W is a fool to let you go.
NoCode, I just don't know what to think. Have you or your atty drawn up any sort of SA that you would be agreeable with? Are you holding off for any reason? Oh and she can't force you to agree/sign anything, can she? What's with the threats? Have you given any thought to just letting her completely go? Coming up with an agreement, signing it and letting her go......
I say this, and I can't do it myself, of course...
Thanks for the D6 hugs by the way. I will pass them on to her when I get home....
Sorry they are so ugly to you. I was not aware that it was wrong to put the deceased's name on the card. Even if it is, it's the florist's mistake, and who cares? But in this case, we do know who cares. But you are right they are just bitter, ugly people.
NCB, That is so ridiculous that the MIL reacted like that, but somehow I believe if you hadn't sent flowers then you would have been accused of being thoughtless. The way I see it in this situation is "You're damned if you do,and damned if you don't". So don't pay any heed to them, you know that you did the right thing. You were thoughtful and caring.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I'm so sorry to hear that your marriage has reached this crisis point. You are acting fantastically given you have spent 17 years with this woman. Your ability to look forward with a positive attitude is a tribute to you, and your sons will grow up with a great role model.
I hate to see WASs destroying so many lives. One can feel pity for their madness, but its hard to watch so many innocent lives being turned upside down.
Stay true to yourself, and don't let anger and revenge be your guides.
I have written up a first draft of an agreement. I am still scrutinizing it to the best of my lay abilities as I can. After all this hostility -- and the fact that I know that my W, despite her words about "mediation" and "saving our finances" is still actively seeking out a lawyer (a paralegal friend of mine let me know that W has already approached a couple of heavy-hitting "family" law practices in the last couple of weeks), I know I need to have my version of the SA reviewed by my own atty.
The way I see it is that my W expects me to lie down and take her abuse like a whipped dog, to accept her rebukes without question and to quietly acquiesce to her demands in the terms of the divorce. She refuses to acknowledge anything positive about me, certainly never in front of me, and refuses to show any respect for me at all, even in front of my S's.
Jesus said turn the other cheek. And I have. But it has done more harm than good. I am obligated, instead, for my own sake as well as that of my children and my spouse, to not give into her unreasonable, selfish demands. I am no longer playing the "nice guy" for her or giving her the benfit of a doubt. No, I have to show her enough love -- agape love -- that I let her go, if she so desires, but not on her terms. I will recover some dignity out of this and balance the scales more equitably.
I know it is time I let her go and that is the path I am now on. I am finding that it takes time to sever the ties ... and avoid hemorrhaging in the process.
