When I was in college, I dated a girl that used to date a friend of mine ( I wasn't the cause of the break up, it was much later). We weren't a hot couple, but did date quite a few times. After she broke up with me, my friend and I were comparing notes about her; clothes, underwear, sexual preferences, etc. We thought we were talking about two DIFFERENT girls?
wishing it were easy to get over an a... wishing I could truly believe h when he claims they never even kissed... wishing I could believe h when he tells me they weren't laughing at me... wishing I felt better about myself... wishing I believed h loved me... wishing I didn't have these feelings... wishing that I could put these feelings away... wishing I didn't have doubts... wishing I had a magic wand... wishing it were summer.... wishing I were 21 again... wishing I didn't have to force a smile... wishing I knew what was going on in h's head.... wishing h didn't put up a wall when I get upset... wishing I could hide my feelings from h better... wishing the past didn't happen.. wishing h would be more pro-active in the healing process... wishing I didn't speak up last night... wishing I could put ow and the a and h's leaving, behind me.. wishing I weren't afraid that he'll leave again someday... wishing I had a magic ball... wishing I were ier... wishing I knew what h wanted... wishing I knew what h wasn't getting here that made him leave... wishing h would let me be his friend... wishing I really knew what the hell I was doing here rather then pretending I know... wishing h and I could talk about issues without h getting angry wishing I knew how to just relax.. wishing it were may (then I'd be in disney with the kids) wishing I didn't love h so much... wishing I knew what I wanted from h...
I am so confused I don't know what to do...things are going well...h doesn't like to talk about the a or his leaving...he's put it in the past and has decided it wont happen again...me, I wanna know why...I wanna know what I did or didn't do so that I don't do it again...I want to know if h is happy...I want to be happy...h just keeps telling me to be myself...I keep saying what if you don't like me...I was being myself and you left sooooo? how can I feel comfortable being myself??
last nights arguement could have been avoided....could have ended...could have been made up for...but nope...instead we both woke this am....feeling...ugh!!!
another night of watching news...on the couch....I was feeling like a fool (as I do some nights but don't let it show) but this night h asked...I spoke...things went on from there...my questions...h's anger....it's a mess...eventually after my bringing up that issue again...h said "I thought you looked nice and I thought I was warming up to you but I got shot down" uhm??? h never told me I looked nice until I brought up the issue....was not apparent to me that h was warming up to me...was acting the same as he had the three prior nights when he fell asleep on me on the couch...how was I to know...I said to h...well then it's a misscommunication...I did not know that...why don't we go up to bed now...h says...I'm going to sleep...well then LL went on a tirade...
I'm tired of dealing with this crap and feeling like I have to deal with it myself!!!
if I let h know how I feel...sometimes he can handle it and is comforting...reassuring etc...and other times he just gets mad...making me mad...and a way we go!!!
You have choices here. How about if he said I'm going to sleep and you said fine after we ****! I know that sounds awful....but maybe H would have laughed out loud and you could have gone on from there? Do not play the wishing game with yourself. Talk about a cheeseless tunnel. So take the kids to the library and check out a video about Walt Disney World. Are you driving or flying? If your driving plan the route with h. He is with you!!!! I understand perfectly your feelings about the XOW! She is an XXXXX! Even though my H has reassured me about XOW, I still have fear. She has turned out to be such a skank and my H wants to let it go. I need to focus on being happy day by day. I really think I need to let the R alone also and just concentrate on being happier myself. What makes LL happy? She is beautiful, we know that but what makes you laugh?
Kip
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
Quote: You have choices here. How about if he said I'm going to sleep and you said fine after we ****! I know that sounds awful....but maybe H would have laughed out loud and you could have gone on from there?
well let's see...a bit perturbed that he would respond with...I'm going to sleep after my suggesting we go up to "bed" my tirade..involved me tearing off all my clothes and walking over to him...a puzzled h said...what the hell are you doing?? being a woman says I...h nada...and so further insult to me!!
Quote: So take the kids to the library and check out a video about Walt Disney World. Are you driving or flying? If your driving plan the route with h. He is with you!!!!
have the video...was sent free from disney.com and h isn't comming with us I am going with one of his old highschool friends his wife and her aunt and two kids...
Quote: She is beautiful, we know that but what makes you laugh?
I don't remember anymore..well that's not true...I was in stiches during my last book club meeting when somehow the conversation became about farting. no I am not crass I just had a pull my finger dad and I happen to find farts funny...there is obviously more that makes me laugh but lately it just isn't anything about h other than to laugh at myself.
I'm tired of apologizing for my emotions...I will always apologize for my actions when they get out of hand (really what kind of a lunatic woman takes off all her clothes and walks toward her husband thinking he might give in?? lunatic!!)
I honestly don't know if I can get past all this...I don't know...perhaps it would be easier if h were more up to meeting my needs speaking my LL more often rather than expecting me to understand his and understand that he is busy and under stress with the start of the season and that's why he can't love me like I want to be loved...
doesn't really make sense to me?? but that's me..
I don't konw if I can deal with the rejection..the thought that perhaps h did find someone better for him...I was insecure enough with him before and now...well now I just don't feel like I'm good enough for him and when I say things like that (I know I shouldn't) I get a neg response.
tearing off your clothes a second time and expecting a different result would qualify as insane!! It was one of two suggestions that my SIL had to "help" me with my sitch, the other was to buy a trip without talking to her first. Did I say you're not a lunatic? that's what I was trying to say
yup I'm around...looks like my terrible behaviour last night just may put me back in to waiting mode...waiting til h is once again ready...waiting til I've kept my mouth shut long enough about any displeasure I have about our r past or present...waiting till I've kept my feelings to myself long enough...arghhh!!!!!
ny, The Old Fart With A Broken Heart! 