No words of advice here, just wanted you to know I was thinking about you! Shinybear, how about Dec 12 for me!!!!! And that was because she felt sorry for me 'cause it was my birthday! That was BEFORE I knew about A w/OG!!!!LL, at least your H is home, W is w/OG! I've come to realize that OG is not the problem in our M, I am. Whenever a spouse "drifts" there is a problem in the R.
Did you ever think back before you got married, that H's low sex drive was what attracted you to him????? All the other guys just wanted to jump your bones, but H treated you like a LADY, and not a piece of meat!!!!
That's what W says attracts her to OG! After 30 years, she says "TOO MUCH SEX" Don't really know what else to say! AGAIN, ask him to put one day a month aside for sex!!!!Then don't even talk about it until that day or maybe the day before!!!It's so hard for me to understand a man with no sex drive!!!!!!! Poe almost has me convinced to jump on a plane!!!!!!LOL
Quote: at this point each night when I go to sleep I make a stop by the kids rooms for their last kiss of the night and on my way there I am flooded with the though...I'm doing this for you guys!!
Hate to say it LL, but that's what it's all about!!
Not much new with W, just a few casual e-mail exchanges. Says L is setting up mediation meeting. Told W glad she is back safe, thought about her all week!
I know what you mean, W or D has cut my hair for 30 years! Last week was the first time I had to go out for a haircut! I made sure I got a woman "Stylist" (I'm bald) but it felt soooooooooo good just to have a woman touch me! I gave her an $8.00 tip!(if she only knew)
Quoting sage: From my own M. I know that this area is just like other bad cycles that are so easy to fall into. If I don't feel like my needs are getting met, I get stressed and start pressuring H. which TOTALLY makes him not interested which just stresses me more
Quoting lostlove: huge cycle that I know occurs all the time here and I've communicated that to h...h either doesn't get it or just doesn't care or cares but doesn't have any desire to do something different.
Well..in this case I was wondering what YOU could be doing differently to break the cycle, not your H.
For example, when you get to the point where you're feeling stressed and unloved because H. isn't affectionate with you, how do you think you normally react? Do you retreat? Get mad? Get distant?
Quoting sage: maybe a 180 is called for?
Quoting lostlove: the only 180 I can see for this instance is for me to just not care anymore..thing is when I just don't care anymore what will be left???
Try this out...what if for a while you decided to NOT take H's lack of physical affection as a sign that he doesn't love you (or appreciate you or whatever). What if you just decided to act "as if" his disinterest really had nothing to do with you? That it was all about him. What would you do differently?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I just want to remind everyone that it is not about the "sex" (well a little) it is about the physical intimacy...a hug...a kiss...a hand placed on the shoulder...maybe I need or want more than the average person...maybe h needs or wants less than the average person...
yes h's lack of interest in "sex" was something that I did find a good quality in him way back when...when he wanted it to be special...when it was waited for til it was right...but there is no need to wait anymore...
anyway..had a stressfull day...mil was late to watch the kids...that stressed me...hate having to depend on others to get things done for myself...then off to a three hour exsensive physical for the ambulance co...argued with h a bit over the "physical" issue on the phone...then appologized...then snuck in to meet h while he waited for the chinese food he was picking up for dinner...was a nice little break no kids...not a night out..just a surprise visit.
came home ate...cleaned up...then h just came over and hugged me saying LL, LL, LL, I'm sorry you feel so bad..
I had to let h know that I am not misserable there are just some things that I'm not happy with...that when he doesn't hug me or kiss me etc...I start to feel ugly, fat, dirty, undesireable etc.
so h hugged me a big nice hug...let me know that he's here because he loves me and he's sorry I feel bad.
this is really hard...I try not to think about ow and all that has happend but the fact that these things did happen and I am not clear on h's feelings about it all...makes our original or rather my original issues harder to deal with.
I am trying...h is trying...it's friggen snowing...AGAIN!!!!
then h just came over and hugged me saying LL, LL, LL, I'm sorry you feel so bad..so h hugged me a big nice hug...let me know that he's here because he loves me and he's sorry I feel bad.I am trying...h is trying...it's friggen snowing...AGAIN!!!!
GREAT! GREAT! GREAT! Enjoy it! Do't expect it again for a few days or weeks. Thrive on it! Don't mention it! Do whatever is working!!!!! I'm happy for you!
I'm happy for me too, it's 78 degrees, clear, and cool tropical breeze tonight!!!HA HA HA
Quoting lostlove: I am trying...h is trying...it's friggen snowing...AGAIN!!!!
Good day LL, Well I'm all caught up again...and it looks like you survived another cycle. Your H is a slow learner, but is learning. Each cycle seems to end a little better. Your H is slowly understanding. He is listening to you. Now watch to see what changes (baby steps) he makes to break his patterns.
... and what IS the deal with all this snow? There has to be some symbolism going on here...Mother's Nature's way with toying with us?!
Quote: Your H is slowly understanding. He is listening to you.
howdy KAW,
h is listening but unfortunatley when I do speak up about what's bothering me...what needs of mine aren't being met..h is left thinking that I am just misserable!!
I then have to explain to him that no..I am not misserable..there are just some things that I am not happy with.
I don't know if h will ever acutally "get it" or if he will continue to expect me to just understand him and his possition.
I'm having another one of those days where I resent h for having his a, and wondering what that a was all about!! were they just friends who laughed and hung out or where they friends who....well....you know where I'm going with that one...
yes h did give me a hug...did tell me that he's here because he loves me...did sit with me on the couch (though we again watched cnn/fox news) we did fall asleep on the couch...around midnight h we woke and h moved to the other couch til 3am when I again woke and went upstairs..because of the snow I don't know it h actually came up to bed or just came up to give me a hug and then leave to plow.
I don't know...I guess I'm just tired of thinking that to h ow is prettier, thinner, smarter (or dumber actually) funnier, sexier, ier, ier, ier.....
get the point!!
I just want h to tell me that I AM ALL THAT and more to him!!
I want some compliments damn it!! I want a pat on the back (ok the but too!!)
I just want to know that h appreciates me...but if I say that to h, he will tell me....don't I thank you for everything...I always thank you for everything you do...but you see that is different that is thanking me for doing something...not thanking me for being me!!!! not thanking me for being strong enough (most of the time) to put asside bad thoughts and let him come home accepting what has been done and trying to move on!!
I don't know...
feeling fat and ugly when I know damn well that I am neither!!! do I feel that way because of h??? or because of me?? do I expect myself to be perfect and know that I am not??? am I comparing myself to some woman that I don't even know??? have never seen?? from what I know she's short...blonde (ya right the town she lives in has the market on bleach cornered) not terribly attractive it's just her "sweetness".
suppose I shouldn't compare myself to ow...h chose to come home to me so she mustn't be all that...just wish that h would say something bad about her tell me I'm better than her..but it is not like h to speak ill of anyone so he is left only to say...I came home to you didn't I?? that should say something..doesn't that say something???
well I wish he would say LL you are beautiful, sexy, fun, loving, caring, dedicated, smart, independant, compationate, strong, understanding, special, and I'm a lucky man to be able to call you my wife...btw will you marry me and put your rings back on????
Quote: I just want to know that h appreciates me...but if I say that to h, he will tell me....don't I thank you for everything...I always thank you for everything you do...but you see that is different that is thanking me for doing something...not thanking me for being me!!!!
So, this is the way of my W and myself. Whenever I mention something that I'd like done (or done better), she responds in the same way that your H does: "It upsets me when you say these things because it makes me feel as though you don't recognize what I've been doing lately. I've done this and that..." Basically, I get a short list of things that are being met for me.
I think for us, perhaps, it's simply a level of expectation. We want our Ses to be present so badly that we push our expectations upon them when they are not yet ready to really hear what we want from a decent R. We want them to "want" to be with us and show us their commitment rather than just be "content" to be with us. They are willing to do A, B, and C because they are content, but don't go extra step and do D, E, and F. When we see D, E, and F, we'll know that they are "in love" with us again. Right?
Quote: well I wish he would say LL you are beautiful, sexy, fun, loving, caring, dedicated, smart, independant, compationate, strong, understanding, special, and I'm a lucky man to be able to call you my wife...btw will you marry me and put your rings back on????
My goodness, you echo my sentiments. Funny thing about the ring thing. I took my ring off about a month ago, my W put it on our dresser, and my daughter was playing with some stuff on the dresser one day and it was lost. I assume it fell in one of the drawers, but haven't looked for it. My W has asked me on at least four occassions if I'm ever going to look for my ring. I think it bugs her. My guess is that you not wearing your rings bugs your H, but he won't say anything about it because he wants you to feel as though you want to be with him and will put them on when you're ready to do so? On that same vein, I'm waiting for my W to find my ring for me. That will show me something...
How frustrating it has to be to want to hear those words, but know that your H is a man of few words...
LL, when reading your thread, I'm reminded of a stunning sculptress with a hammer in one hand and a chisel in the other facing a block of granite (your H). Its hard & tedious work to turn that block into a piece of art. No matter how you whack at it, only little chips come off, but once the scupture is created, it will last an eternity.
I wish I had more to say ... ... but ya know, I'm kinda intrigued with Tony P's idea of slipping some Viagra into his dinner drink and see what happens...
Actually, with amount of time he spends on the couch in front of the TV, it seems your H still is trying to coast through life on autopilot and until he has a revelation that there is more to life. all you can possibly do is keep showing him what he is missing, but only he can open his eyes to it ... and slowly like a groggy awakening I do believe the giant is stirring, he just hasn't come to full consciousness yet.
Quote: That's what W says attracts her to OG! After 30 years, she says "TOO MUCH SEX"...It's so hard for me to understand a man with no sex drive!!!!!!! Poe almost has me convinced to jump on a plane!!!!!!LOL
Tony
Just to torture you, my new LF, says around 40+ her sex drive went way up. She is 47 now, and says she wants sex every day and anytime of day.
Well..in this case I was wondering what YOU could be doing differently to break the cycle, not your H. 
ny 
