so here I am again lonely while h has fallen asleep on the couch in the cave once again...looks like things are back to the stagnant form they had before h left...
I will admit I went out to the truck and checked the cell phone...nothing interesting there so I checked the console and found a bottle of kaluha...interesting...h would just say one of his guys left it in the truck...ya whatever dude!! so I just took it and put it in the trash....let's just say one of the guys found it and took it!!
so I am very tempted to take h's keys and get in my car and drive down to his "shop" and check the place out...look up some phone bills...look through the desk drawers and see if I come up with anything interesting??? I know that anyone who reads this will tell me not to and that is fine but then it will be morning and I will already have gone or gone to sleep...really though there is no point in my going to "find" anything on h as his total apathy says it all...doesn't matter if there's ow in the pic or not...I clearly am not in his pic as anything other than caregiver to children and him. he's even resorted to calling me mama again...god I hate that...it's fine if it's in reference to the kids or if the kids are around but I aint his momma and never did like him calling me that...gggrrrr!!! actually I really wish I did have the balls to drive down to his shop wish I did find something spicy then I'd have a real reason to throw him out...other than his just being a tired man...who'd rather fall asleep watching cnn/foxnews than spending some time with me.
I'm annoyed, I'm sure h is annoyed too!!!
h was working outside again today burning more brush and cutting down some trees...I made him coffee and brought it out...he said thank you as I waited for a kiss...said I wanted more so he gave me more of a real kiss...I let him know that I want more of that...and said that's why I was such a bitxh...(not that I was I was just distant) h said "I'm working on it" wtf??????????????? so I made lunch for son....then dd woke so I made her lunch....then I made lunch for h, fil, and one of h's young employees, then I started dinner...cooked in the damn kitchen all day long...did all the friggen dishes...made dessert and coffee...cleaned all that up...gave dd a bath and put her to bed while h poked the fire outside....then h took his shower with son and put him to bed...h threw some logs in the fireplace and then went to the basement to watch cnn/foxnews...I called a friend and talked for a while...h is now asleep in the cave...he fell asleep on the couch last night too...don't know what time he came up to bed...I feel like locking the basement door!!! but then the cat will poop in the shower so I have to leave it open!!
I really wish the "shop" were closer I could use the adrenalin rush of going through his sh!t even if I didn't find anything..but it would take me 30+min to get there an hour to rummage through his crap and then 30+min to get back so it's really not worth it!!
tell me again why I let him come home??? oh ya cause he really had me thinking that he'd changed...guess it is true "people never change" so then I guess I should go back to voicing my opinion about things around here and hurry him up out the door!!!
Sorry you had such a stressful night. Did you end up going to the office?
I'm wondering if you've ever consciously focused on "physical intimacy with H" as a specific DB goal. In other words, treat it like less of an emotional issue (even though it is! It's so hard to feel as though you're not getting what you need/want in the M.) and more of an experiment a la DB'ing. Identifying what works and what doesn't. Could be fun figuring out the "formula"!
From my own M. I know that this area is just like other bad cycles that are so easy to fall into. If I don't feel like my needs are getting met, I get stressed and start pressuring H. which TOTALLY makes him not interested which just stresses me more....maybe a 180 is called for?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
nope!! not even worth the effort on my part cause even seeking neg reinforcment is still me putting energy into the r and honestly I'm getting spent on it.
Quote: I'm wondering if you've ever consciously focused on "physical intimacy with H" as a specific DB goal. In other words, treat it like less of an emotional issue (even though it is! It's so hard to feel as though you're not getting what you need/want in the M.) and more of an experiment a la DB'ing. Identifying what works and what doesn't. Could be fun figuring out the "formula"!
when I put it out of focus was when h first came home and was overly physcial (and not just sexually) then though I liked it I found it bothersome that I was expected to believe he was not physical with ow and yet couldn't keep his hands off of me. I don't know what the formula could possibly be?? maybe the wind has to blow just right accross his a$$ for him to be affectionate toward me.
Quote: From my own M. I know that this area is just like other bad cycles that are so easy to fall into. If I don't feel like my needs are getting met, I get stressed and start pressuring H. which TOTALLY makes him not interested which just stresses me more
huge cycle that I know occurs all the time here and I've communicated that to h...h either doesn't get it or just doesn't care or cares but doesn't have any desire to do something different.
Quote: maybe a 180 is called for?
the only 180 I can see for this instance is for me to just not care anymore..thing is when I just don't care anymore what will be left???
so h never did make it up to bed last night...he woke at some point in the wee hours and simply moved from the couch in the basement to the couch in the family room watching cnn/foxnews...now you could say well he is watching whats going on in the world like so many others are BUT this is what he did before..this is where it starts on every down turn...he starts falling asleep on the couch and doesn't come up to bed and whala!! the dis-ease settles in.
h woke me this am when he wanted to leave (son was awake already) I moved from bed to the couch...h called shortly after to see if dd had woken (the time change had her sleeping late) when dd woke I called so he could hear her say "dadee" since he seemed worried. that was that he said he had to go cause his breakfast was being served (dunkin donuts coffee and egg crossaint) said he'd call back later...at this point, whatever!!!!
it's h's world and i just live in it!!!!!
I'm getting really tired of this and would love to just give up at this point each night when I go to sleep I make a stop by the kids rooms for their last kiss of the night and on my way there I am flooded with the though...I'm doing this for you guys!!
I don't know...I'm not happy...I don't know what it is that h wants from me or expects of me but I cannot live the rest of my life this way!!
Jeez LL, again we're on the same warpath. So much of what you say resonates with me:
Quote: the only 180 I can see for this instance is for me to just not care anymore..thing is when I just don't care anymore what will be left???
I don't know if I should be posting anything to you 'cuz, like I said, I'm feeling pretty much the same way, and I don't know what good it would do...
Perhaps each of us just need to do our own thing for a while. Interestingly enough, when I pretty much ignored my W yesterday, she seemed to be drawn to me (a little). What happens when you've taken this approach? Does your H seem to gravitate towards you a bit more? Thing is, it seems as though each of us are there for our S, yet they are not there for us!
Quote: Interestingly enough, when I pretty much ignored my W yesterday, she seemed to be drawn to me (a little).
well let's see....it depends on his mood...when I was busy painting the dining room...h could care less that I wasn't paying him any attention and I was annoyed that he was not seeking me out...
the sat night while I was painting pic frames h didn't care that I was not with him..last night h chose to go off and watch tv by himself so for me it really wouldn't make a rats a$$ bit of difference if I pay him attention or not...
I'm tired of it all...
one concellation (sp) for today is that I get a few hours kid free...granted it's to go have a pre-employment physical for the ambulance company but hey at least I'll be out of the house and someone might actually put there hands on me...I understand fully how poor little babies that aren't held get ill. I just need to be held...touched and it doesn't even have to be physical...I am reluctant to greet people with a hug because I think I might explode!!!
I'm tired of depending on people that are NOT dependable...I wont bother to get into it because it just isn't worth it but I will say that by now I should be in my car on my way to my appointment not sitting here waiting!!
maybe I should start being just as unrelyable as those around me seem to be!!!
Quote: I understand fully how poor little babies that aren't held get ill. I just need to be held...touched and it doesn't even have to be physical...I am reluctant to greet people with a hug because I think I might explode!!!
Perhaps you should hook up with a friend today, LL, and get a big hug...
Does your H have "performance" problems as well as low sex drive? Because that's a killer combo.
And as for him not being physcial with OW because of his sex drive/problems, well, um, that's what I thought .
LL how long have you been with your H? Since you were 12??? Gosh! That letter from when you were 20 says a lot. I have some from the first year of our M pointing out my dissatisfactions, and it's rather sad to see the same issues today, .
I can SOOOOO relate to the "sleeping on the couch" thing. It's what my ex-fiance did for years...I remember so vividly feeling "I'm only 17! surely there are better ways to spend a Saturday night than to listen to you snore!"
CJay says that because the couch is "his bed" (he snores, says our bed is uncomfortable on his back) he just naturally falls asleep there when the T.V. is on. Great.
Just makes me feel boring, like my company is a sleep inducer...not exactly what I have in mind.
However...just thinking about you asking your H about having fantasies. A few years ago I asked my H about the same thing. He thought about it, then said he just pictures us "doing it". He doesn't have fantasies!!! But Michelle writes in SSM that this is fairly common in those with low sex drives!
OMG, I have fleeting fantasies all day long! Sigh.....
I also relate to being touch starved (although I had a healthy dose of appreciation and good hugs at my birthday party on Sat ).
During the fall, into January, I sooo looked forward to my chiropractors appointments. Yes, they helped my headaches, but it was also so pitifully nice to have a handsome man put his hands on me in such a purposeful, strong, sure manner.
Yes, I've had a fantasy or two about him!
What are we to do LL??? I just hope Cjay does read SSM and starts to really make some moves on this front. (pun intended). One good sign...in addition to the tickets in my birthday card, he said...perhaps a visit to the Love Bug? (a local lingerie/sex toy shop)
Although this sucks, LL. It's kind of comforting to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way, seems that lots of us are in the same, sad, boat.
Quote: During the fall, into January, I sooo looked forward to my chiropractors appointments. Yes, they helped my headaches, but it was also so pitifully nice to have a handsome man put his hands on me in such a purposeful, strong, sure manner.
Hey SB, I live for my monthly massages, and my massage therapist is a woman (down boys - no fantasies involved here!) How's that for desperate?
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