Oh its tough to consciously recreate and it will take two to tangle to get to that point, and it will take alot of work, but no more effort than the first time. Its just we really didn't put that much thought about how much effort it was initially because we were concentrating on our feelings of euphoria "falling in love" that came from those efforts. Being more aware of making the effort can take some of the euphoria away, but once we start to experience the rewards of our efforts. it will come back. Its like the reasons why the athelete goes through all the effort of training to win an event.
LL, you've been down the road of telling him what he can do to make you happy. When he does them, then you have questioned why it did give you feeling you were hoping for.
When you first fell in love, it was not because he did what you asked for, but because you accepted what he had to offer. At first they were new, totally unexpected and a risk to take. Your H throwing his cell phone out the window is a perfect example of what I'm trying to say here. In return, we need to validate we appreciate their offering...as the say, not for the act itself, but for the thought behind it.
Now don't get me wrong now one act is going to turn it around, but recognize that your H is taking the first steps. If I remember right, you say you date for awhile before getting M. Think of what you are doing now as a renewed courtship. At first those feeling are not there, but they grow when we nurture them.
'til later,
KAW
P.S. Well this is in response to your first posting today. By the time I submitted it I see you have posted some more. I'll have to go back and read those others...
What kind of relationships does his side of the family have while he grew up? Did they take stock in showing expressions of affection? I, for one, know what its like to grow up in a family that rarely showed physical affection. It took my wife and her family to open my eyes to a whole new way to interact. Still it took several years to get to the point where I was comfortable doing it myself or even being on the receiving end.
It might be that he does not see as much value of doing the the "mushy" stuff as other do.
seems to me they are very much acts of service people...well h I've got an act you can service me with!!!
this is a loosing battle with h...this is not a new issue...has been an issue for probably 10 of the 14 years we've been together it just got worse once we married.
I realized long ago that h was "acts of service" orriented and I obliged, volunteering to help with his company when he started it...sorting out paper work...adressing envelopes (before he got a puter to do it) physically laboring in the field with him before he got all his fancy equiptment and employees...I washed his truck for him while he worked in the office so that he wouldn't have to do it and then we could get onto my "quality time" together wich was actually me taggin along and taking an interest in football to be with him.
when he finally moved out of his house...I volunteered to clean once a week..they paid me 50 bucks to do it...a house with three guys living in it a mess...for 50 bucks?? it wasn't for the money...
one day I even scrubbed their damn nasty shower left a funny note (which h still has) that aliens needed the soap scum to run their space ship..hope they wouldn't mind that I let them take it...
I took to h's way of giving gifts...I was never a big gift person but it was h's way so I obliged and when I would find cute little things I'd get them for him...
when we were first married I cooked dinner everynight even dessert...came home from work...gave him my check..took care of him...even gave him a damn pedicure one night...
all he had to do was stay awake long enough to ravish his wife in some physical way but did he?? nope...
spend some time with her...did he?? nope..
tell me again why I let him come home??
so i could cook for someone?
so I could do extra laundry??
so I could worry if I was keeping the house clean enough??
so I could look at a man and want him but not be able to have him??
I dunno! at least h will now accept my invites to go out and do things...maybe it will take a while if ever before he accepts my invites to do me!!
Ever consider couple's sexuality counseling? Just a thought? My Dad (an anglo-saxon) doesn't have a clue on how to be affectionate or intimate. Luckily, my Mom (French and Italian) was always very warm and affectionate. I like to think I inherited this from Mom. Anyways, my STBX was rarely in the same place as me affectionately or intimately. She was too concerned about crumbs on the floor or a pillow being out of place.
I guess my point is, some people just don't know how to show affection, or how to get the intimacy thing going in an enjoyable way. They need to be taught. Then they need to practice !
I was going to recommend "Five Love Languages" but you seem to have the subject reserched...
If H is unwilling to cooperate - perhaps it will take more time and patience (my situation with WAW exactly) or maybe you should take further measures (pull away more, concentrate on yourself and stop servicing H, or lovingly continue anyways... Love is a lot of work and requires that we put 100% regardless of what the other spouse does. The only limiting factor is when we decide, that enough is enough...
I see people who are not affectionate all around me... Since I was raised by women - I have the advantage of being more in touch with my feelings. As such, I can display affection to my W and D with ease... But not everyone is so fortunate or so educated. Some men need to be trained
Quoting lostlove: I want h to want to sit with me.. I want h to want to put his hands on me even if in a non sexual way... I want h to walk up behind me and put his arms around me... I want h to run his hands through my hair... I want h to want me!!! why doesn't h want me unless he's horny???
Have similar problems with my WAW. Things have gotten much better recently - you can read my posts if you wish... but she still has a challenge with displaying affection in a physical way. And I don't mean sex.
I like to be held and cuddled. I like her to embrace me and just stay for a moment. I am a very "touchy" person. It's a long journey, I will tell you that. She is learning. Your H can learn, too... if he wants to. You cannot make him.
Interesting discussion going on here. I think you’ve all pretty much got it. You know what you want, and even vaguely how to get it. Nobody seems to have the magic formula, but I think the important part is that you’re looking for it.
There’s a plethora of information out there on how a “normal” relationship evolves. Much of this promotes the idea that after the “infatuation” stage, reality starts to kick in. Once that happens, there’s disalusionment, and we all know the rest.
Michele’s The Marriage Mapwalks us through the stages of “Passion prevails”, “What was I thinking?”, “Everything would be great if you changed”, and “That's just the way s/he is”
This is where a lot of the relationship advice ends. But Michele takes it one step further to the “Together, at last” stage.
The “Together, at last” stage seems rather idealistic and implies that in a sense you’ve come full circle. Not exactly. There’s the additional aspect of accepting each other’s faults, whereas in the “Passion” stage, you didn’t even see them.
I think it’s very difficult for us to accept our SO’s shortcomings because we now have what is commonly referred to as baggage.
To my mind, the only way to progress to stage 5 is to shed the baggage, and the only way to do that is to go beyond acceptance of our SO’s faults, and to turn a blind eye to them. In other words, you go truly go back to stage 1 with the awareness of what you’re doing.
In the “romantic” stage of our relationships, it’s natural to do all of this. The trick is to make it natural again.
Tim, I share your feeings about the "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore," or something like that syndrome. It's exasperating.
But I don't think it's as confusing as you do. Love is a decision. It's not just a feeling. In order to maintain love over time, you have to decide each morning to do the things that will bring you close to your spouse and stop doing things that push you further away. You need to spend time together. YOu need to listen to each other, talk, make love, show interest in your spouse's life. Love is a decision to do all these things even when you aren't feeling crazy about your spouse. Love is a commitment.
So when one person says, "I don't love you anymore," what s/he is saying is "I don't feel like putting energy into this marriage." "I'm going to focus on all the bad times we've had and that will make me feel distant from you." "If I feel distant and separate from you, I can focus on me and make myself happy." It really is a decision to cut oneself off from positive feelings about the marriage.
If you've had good times together in your marriage, those memories don't just disappear. They live within us. However, sometimes when people burn out in a marriage, they bury those good feelings and memories so deep, it almost seems as if they're not there anymore. People convince themselves that the loving feelings have evaporated. They sometimes even tell themselves that they never loved you in the first place. This allows them to pull away. IT's a rationalization. But it's a rationalization that really hurts when you are the receiver of it.
So I understand your feelings. But you need to remember that whatever you feel in your heart about your marriage is real. Your wife's current perspective is colored by her need to pull away right now. Don't over-react and whatever you do, stop trying to point out to her that she isn't thinking clearly or seeing things accurately. That will only make her more certain she doesn't love you. And I know you don't want that.
Keep DBing and hang in there. Michele
And for those of you who are working on your own feelings, it goes both ways.
Quoting uvision: ???? I think we have hit a language barrier ? You are disagreeing or just disappointed ?
dissapointed!!! h accepts that his low or inconsistant drive is just the way he is...but doesn't accept that my drive is high...doesn't seem to want to find the balance...
!
