yesterdays c session had me a bit upset.... c paraphrased h as having said...
now that I've had those feelings and been in an r like that I don't know if I'm capable of feeling like that again.
in other words...is h capable of falling in love with me???
am I capable of falling in love with h???
can we get back that connection????
we seem to be able to do it best on the phone....
I know the feeling h is seeking...we did have it for eachother long ago...h did put exclamation marks after my name on his schedule....it was there once...I let it grow in to love and so did h...over the years that feeling faded..."you've lost that loving feeling, now it's gone gone gone waoo ooo oooh"
I want that twinge that tingle...want h to have it too...
now what to do???
I know we both have a deep love for eachother...that shows everyday...but what about the "in love"
ll, i don't know for sure how to fall in love again, i think it must be different for different couples. and really, the love your h felt for ow was never "lived" or tested. it existed in the context of an affair. not a mature reality based love. like you said you 2 have a deep love. that is real. how about a warm feeling to begin with? i get that now, and i have hope that i will once again have the feelings for my h that i used to.
doing things like when we were dating has helped and our c has helped a lot.
Quote: and really, the love your h felt for ow was never "lived" or tested. it existed in the context of an affair. not a mature reality based love.
I know that...(most of the time) but I'm not sure h knows that...yet.
I'm just at a loss...I don't know...
I feel foolish wanting h to have those feelings for me...when I myself lost those feelings a long time ago...
sometimes I wonder if h and ow actually belong together and her h and I were simply in the way...
sad!!
I wish h hadn't fallen in love with her...I wish h would understand that those feelings are easy to keep when it isn't a "real" r...when you have no responsibility or obligation to that person it's easy to keep feeling that way....
maybe that's something he started to realize once their r wasn't just fun...once they started talking feelings...once she decided to leave her h...once is started to get real...
oh to many thoughts in my head...
note to self...stop worrying about what h does or doesn't feel and pay more attention to your own feelings!! cause they need work too!!
ll, whenever i have gotten off track, you have steered me back in the right direction. thank you.
you are not silly for wanting your h to be in love with you even if you aren't sure you are yet either. if he expressed he was madly in love with you, i bet your in love feelings wouldn't be too far behind.
my h just recently realized it wasn't real love with him and ow #1. our c said last night it is defind as love by the two having an affair, but is not the love a husband and wife share. it sucks knowing my h loved another no matter what that means. it was feelings and passion and fun.
ya, ll. we just have to put it behind us. h and i are a little further along than you and your h. you will get there. and i wish i had a fling sometimes and had some fun while h was professing his love to ow. but i didn't. and i have nothing to feel guilty about. and you don't either!
how are the kids? my d has a terrible bug. we stayed home today. it snowed here last night! rainy and cold today. i think we will feel better when spring actually proves its here! lisa
I don't think that you have that mad rush of loving feelings in a mature R. Sure, a flash here and there. But, i think the madly in love rush of chemicals in your body only happens for a sustained peiod during the intitial period of bonding.
Nevertheless, some things help. Difference, unique experiences, having a wild fling at a B&B... Crazy sex in the middle of the night...
Sounds like you are doing better than you think. Acorn
Quoting lostlove: I know we both have a deep love for eachother...that shows everyday...but what about the "in love"
Wow! I just had another one of those lightbulb moments, now to get it down in words.
That elusive but so much sought after "in love"...those tingles...what are they from? They are the feelings we get when we discover we want to offer and share something that's important to our spirit with our partner. What makes us feel connected in a passion of being "in-love" is when we receive validation from partner that the offering is special. That twinkle in their eye, the glowing smile...however they reacted to our offering that gave us those warm "fuzzies". That is where the importance of reading each others love languages is so important.
Over time with the addition of obligations and responsibilities and our expectations to keep receiving those offers, we tend to start tuning out the validations. Without the validation, the offerings lose some of that "tingle". Also as we repeat what we offered before, it starts to become old, expected, and loses the excitement of new discovery. We start decreasing the frequency of the offerings, but continue to do what we feel obligated to do because we know they are worth it because we love them. Hence we love them, but don't feel in love with them and visa versa. If the special offerings decrease to nearly nothing and all we are left doing is what we feel obligated to do, then the doubt begins to set in if there is love at all.
Quoting lostlove: how can we feed that....make it grow???
By returning to offering to our spouse what is important to making us feel happy. Experiment with trying to find new ways to show our love and to exciting ways to enjoy sharing our company with our spouses. When we strike on finding what works, we will get validation from them, then cycle has been started or "sparked".
To keep those feelings going we have to continue to find new ways to keep our offerings fresh and exciting. Of coarse, by then we can't be doing it alone. Once the spark is ingnited, then our spouses should be making such offering as well. As you said LL:
Quote: ...we did have it for eachother long ago...
Still not easy to achieve and most may chuck it up as chemistry...either its there or its not, as they rely more on their natural "talent" to find the right balance between offering and validation. But by understanding a little better its more important to how we feel should be what we are willing to offer rather than what we expect to recieve from them. We're all fearful of giving unconditionally because we been hurt before, but in order to achieve those "in-love" tingles we have trust to give unconditionally again.
I not really sure I'm conveying my message with a sense of realism, but I can say there are times where I have felt a resurrection of those "tingles". I think Lisa too may know what I'm talking about (I hope at least). The point I feel I'm at now, is struggling to find that right balance in order to keep those "in-love" tingles going for the both of us.
Sorry to hi-jack your thread here with my some of my personal saga, but it was your posts that brought this collection of thoughts to the surface. I hope it helps some.
I don't believe I ever stopped doing those things (cept for while h was gone) I still try to do those things everyday....
h on the other hand does them when they are convenient if at all...
it seems as if I am the one trying to figure out what makes him happy and am working overtime to give...
what about me???
what about my needs and wants???
I can keep doing all these things for h and perhaps eventually if not already...he'll have warm fuzzies for me...I on the other hand have to search for things to make me smile...search for things that make me feel good about the r...
when will h search for ways to make me happy...it's not like I don't tell him what I want and need it's just that he doesn't always want to give...
maybe I should just exept the fact that I am a wife...I'll make sure h has breakfast to take on the road with him...make him som calzones to take with him so he'll eat lunch...make his coffee...tell him he's cute...thank him for cutting down trees...offer to help with the yard...do his laundry...be supportive of him when he's down about work pressure...stay posstive...keep my own worries to myself...keep my own needs to myself....
how to make LL happy??? not to hard...
ask her to go do something.... give her physcial attention...
how to make h happy.... treat him like a king and expect nothing in return!! oh and don't dare ask for what you need.
Quote: how to make h happy.... treat him like a king and expect nothing in return!! oh and don't dare ask for what you need.
it was sunday night that we had our last tif...I was wanting h to be close to me and h was not gettig the clue...even when I was blatant about what I wanted h still didn't get the clue and even if he did...he ignored it..
I have not bothered to make another advance...have not bothered to speak out...I don't want to be rejected again..but am I not being rejected even without making an advance...
I want h to want to sit with me.. I want h to want to put his hands on me even if in a non sexual way... I want h to walk up behind me and put his arms around me... I want h to run his hands through my hair...
