Just journaling. Movie and dinner with W last night. Movie had one scene with a discussion of whether people can stay together and be happy - that was a little uncomfortable.
Afterwards, had our usual relaxed conversation. W has taken off her wedding ring again and seemed very removed, even though we were happily talking away and laughing. She told me she's swamped herself with work through April, which means little time for anything else. I guess any sort of movement in R, positive or negative, is going to be a long time coming.
Best I could do on creating mystery was to tell her I'm going to Mexico (no details) and that I'm selling the truck. She seemed a little surprised with the truck, which is funny since I never drive it. It was our vehicle for camping and for her to use in her work. We mainly drove the car her parents gave her.
At end of evening I said thanks for dinner and turned quickly to go. I noticed she hesitated and looked at me a moment like she expected a hug, which I've usually been doing but decided not to since last time she pulled away.
Feeling not so hopeful today. She is supposed to join me skiing on tuesday, but already started putting down a lot of caveats about needing to leave early so she can work. I feel like telling her that the trip was meant for me to have fun and if she wants to join me, great, but if she needs to work, she shouldn't come. Or I can just ignore it and try to have fun as a friend. I'm also thinking about telling her, before she leaves to drive back home, that I am done feeling stuck in trying to relate to her and don't know if I want to keep trying - give her something to think about on the way back. Problem is that she has always needed a shock to make an emotional decision, but I don't want to have to do that because I don't know what her response might be.
Well, not sure how to feel. After W stayed at the house while I was gone, I went to wash the sheets and found stains on her side of the bed that, well, left me feeling pretty sure she'd slept with someone.
I didn't want to jump to conclusions, so called. She vehemently denied that she'd sleep with anyone in our bed, and then quickly got off phone. I don't know what to believe - guess I can't do anything but assume she's being honest. I don't have any other reason to doubt her. At this point, it probably doesn't matter anyway if she's sleeping with someone else and I shouldn't have called - especially since the distance thing was at least making things better between us. Now I feel like I'm back at square one.
You're way off Square 1 i think! Maybe a little backslide there but not as dramatic as it feels. IMO you can and need to regroup and get a grip on your GAL activities and PMA again - go with the creating a bit of mystery as suggested above. You're right - you can do nothing other than assume she's being truthful - save for finding some incriminating evidence - and I guess you've looked and there isn't. So, how would it play out if you said sorry for jumping to conclusions then back-off quick and calm down - you were doing great and I reckon you can recover your position.
Oh, and get yourself signed up for your first tri - I'd suggest giving yourself approx 6 week lead-in if you can find one reasonably close - that should give you enough time to get your training schedule sorted but close enough for you to have it in your sights!
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Thanks - just feeling tired right now. I do okay with GAL and PMA but whenever I see W it feels like such a dance that I end up analyzing again. I think I need to remember how it was when we first got together and I just accepted her more.
Found a couple of tris in March so am going to aim for one of those. Thanks for the encouragement!
Perhaps look at your sitch like a metaphorical dance - you're usually tempted to join in, but you don't quite know the right moves for this one so best to keep out of it, dancing your own dance if you will - through your GAL activities and rising PMA. Detaching is hard - really hard - I can appreciate that through my sitch but once you can keep your focus on your path, and this is not to take an approach to life that is selfish or disrespecting of your W - just a focus on recreating the kind of guy you were or would like to be, then the potholes in the road are easier to dance around.
What you want to do is make your dance look appealing enough for W to be tempted to take a closer look at your moves!
Thanks for the input. Guess I better learn some new dance steps! Thanks for the link GFI. I'm heading up to the Sierra tomorrow for skate skiing (can't wait), but next week will figure out a workout.
WCW, I've read DR 2x now but still am having to think through the advice. Easy in theory, hard in practice. Time is on my side, though. I emailed W and apologized if I came across as accusatory for thinking she may be in PA, but explained I needed to make sure we were being honest with each other. She responded well, though has maintained her distant tone that she's had since the major meltdown before christmas.
The lean, rugged-good-looks guy on the tri site is me - how'd you guess?
Okay - things happened faster than I thought they would. First, thanks everyone for advice. It works! Granted, my W and I are still taking baby steps, but the positives sure feel good after the distances.
So, W had agreed to come skiing for a day and needed to come get her stuff - we're driving separately. I was cleaning the garage when she got here - we chatted, then she went in to get her stuff. I kept working and she stayed inside a LONG time. Finally I went in and she was puttering. Said the house looked really nice, noticed I'd gotten fresh flowers (not a usual guy thing, I know, but they're cheery and I knew she was coming over), and said everything felt bright and sunny. I said the day was beautiful so why not sit outside for a little bit. She agreed.
Well, we talked about a lot of stuff and a lot of experiences we have shared came up. I tried to just talk about them briefly and move on. Told her I was going to Mexico and could she stay at the house and watch the cats (mystery!). I finally said I should get some other things done and stood. She grabbed my hand and held on to it until I sat again. We just sat together in the dying light. I started to crack jokes like I used to and she smiled. Then she said she was sorry for being distant. I told her I knew she was busy. She said she felt like she was just spinning her wheels. I told her she'd hit her stride again.
I stood again and stuck my hands in my pockets - didn't want to be hurt again by her pulling back from a hug. She looked at me a moment and then hugged me! I walked with her out to the car and we started talking about what to do with the yard/garden (!). Finally said goodbye and walked back in. She stayed in the driveway a long time before leaving.
So, I think I'm finally starting to get it. PMA, GAL, mystery, patience, consistency, offering her things that let her choose to have fun together, finding the line between taking care of myself, being distant, and being a friend. Time is definitely on my side - and tomorrow we head up for what promises to be a great ski day! She even told me how much she was looking forward to it and I feel like she wishes she had agreed to stay longer. I know I'm getting excited about small steps, but hey - they feel really good.
Just updating. Things didn't end up quite as positive as I'd hoped, but they weren't bad. W very distant, but I was afraid she wouldn't show up at all. I acted as if and after a very long time she relaxed. Had great fun skate skiing, but she's much better than me. I figured, hey, friends don't care about who is better, so I didn't apologize for her having to wait for me. Best part was that most of the time she was smiling when I caught up to her.
Conversations were okay - not the best we've ever had, but they're all tending towards shared memories now, which surprises me. She is still behind a wall though. Guess it's a fear thing - she recognizes my changes but doesn't want to really accept them. She really started snapping at some little things, like "do you want an apple?" but I just ignored.
I was hoping she'd come back to my lodge, take a shower, and have a relaxing dinner before heading back, but she wouldn't. Oh well. I think the most important thing is that she chose to drive up here even when she has a lot of work to do (work is her choice - she's snowed herself under). I guess that's because I had a definite plan and let her choose to join or not.
No plans for the future - no dinners, no MC, nothing. Don't know what happens next but I'm going to let her choose. In the meantime, I'll plan my own activities. lodo
Got home yesterday. Have pretty much decided to pull way back.
Email from W informing me of something she thought I'd be interested in. Later, a phone call just to ask how the rest of my skiing went - that surprised me. Conversation was okay, I was cheerful and she seemed tired but okay. From caller id I noticed she was still at work. After we hung up, I called back, letting her know that I had to drive some stuff into work and could bring her some dinner if she hadn't eaten. She got really annoyed and short with me, so hung up, feeling like I'd made a big mistake in calling.
Thought about it afterwards. Just like the annoyance at being offered a snack for the road, she seems to get angry whenever I do favors or try to do nice things for her. Maybe she feels this intrudes on her independence - she's always been very independent. Maybe she thinks I'm going out of my way to do things, even though I'm not, and it annoys her that I'd do that. In any case, guess I need to stop offering to do anything for her unless she asks me something specific.
But realistically, things have softened between us and I need to concentrate on those positives. I just feel concerned that it also feels like any romance is fading too. When we hugged during the initial S, it felt electric. Now it just feels wooden, and even though she's been initiating, last time we hugged she put a hand up to keep me from getting too close. Guess that's better than pulling away.
