DR Chapter 2 - Think Small

[marc_d]

Ok, well I called her cell phone and left a message about getting lunch. I was afraid I might not hear from her or she may not get the message soon, but she did! She called me back said she would really like to go for lunch. Now I am waiting for her to get ready and then her call. Even though we spoke very breifly on the phone, it was light and we made several jokes and laughed. Im going to be a pool of energy around her today and just be happy! Wish me luck everyone! Ill post back results later. I just hope I can be strong and not expect too much or be let down afterwards from not getting her all at once. Slowly but steady! Im keeping the faith!

[marc_d]

Hey, just got back from lunch with GF. Went well! I did great at not expecting much and making the most of what time we had together. We talked the entire time and it wasnt like pulling teeth or anything. We talked abot everyday stuff, some joking, and she also was complaining about family stuff or friend stuff and I just made an effort to listen and validate her. I know I did a good job at this and I hope I can get even better with practice.

She is also volunteering more information about what she has been doing latley and with who, like her friends. She was also interested in things about me too and asking me questions. We made a lot of eye contact. After lunch, she had to clean up her house and do laundry and stuff but I wasnt going to stay unless asked. So I dropped her off and then ran a few errands of my own.

So, thats about it. I will call her again this week, once, maybe twice and maybe ask her out for lunch next weekend. I was thinking that a weekly lunch date can become a habit and give us time to spend together that new feelings can grow and old ones can re-surface. Not going to rush things though. Just an innocent lunch date once a week. What do you all think?

[marc_d]

Well, nothing new, just planning on calling her sometime today. I hate to call her at work because everyone can hear me. I think Ill just wait until tonight. Im not sure if she is home or at her sisters place tonight. Her father is on a business trip this week and she told me she will probably crash at her sisters most of the week in the city so no one has to worry about getting her to the bus.

I really miss her. I try not to think of it too much. Its so hard to act like only her friend right now. Well, she is confused about things and its not like she is seeing anyone either. Im going to stay strong and show my complete and unconditional love for her. Wish me luck with the call tonight!

[marc_d]

Ok, well I didnt call. I sent her an email towards the end of my work day. I figured a call is more personal and I dont want to overstep my boundries but still make contact since going almost completley dark for 2 weeks didnt do much good and even seemed to have a slightly negative effect. Anyways, I didnt hear back from her and it did bother me a little but I have been able to deal with it.

I sent her another email today, but it was just with a list of concert dates for an artist she likes and I didnt make it personal at all. She called me right after the email and it turns out she left me a voicemail at work earlier but I didnt see it.

I checked my machine after our phone call and she sounded happy and she was making jokes too. made me smile. =) Well she also said she wanted to call me last night but was busy arguing with her sister.

Anyways, we spoke for like 30 min today and once again, she was mostly complaining about work, her friends and her sister and her sisters friends. Mostly about the ski trip that is planned for Feb. 28th. Lots of complaints and other things and she is frustrated over it. Of course, made a concious effort to be empathetic. She seemed so down and I hate to hear like that. It was nice to hear her message she left this morning afterwards and how she sounded happy.

One thing I am trying to deal with now is Im driving up to the resort from new jersey but she might leave from NY after work with her man friend Nadeem. He is just her friend but I know he used to like her and has now recently broken up with his GF. I trust her, but not him. Well, hopefully I can have her in my car on the way home. One day at a time.

Well, The positive is she called me and spoke for 30 min. instead of just emailing me back! and she left me a message and called again! that shows interest! The lord is with me, I can feel it and with that, I can do anything!!

[marc_d]

Well, not much new here but I just thought of something I wanted to share. I sometimes let fears build up in my head, thinking she always had doubts and finally let them out, but I realized something today this time. In the first part of our break she was still very interested in me and always was sincere on how she always wanted to be with me no matter what, and it will work out. And she never had doubts until I started changing due to my fear of losing her. She even told me that she never had doubts until it seemed like I doubted her.

well, it took 2 months of DB'ing to get her to say its not too late and we just need time. Sounds like what she told me in the beginning so I have apparently made some progress in backtracking through all my mistakes. with a few more months Im sure I will get closer if I keep this up.

I just need patience and i cant wait to see how she is once she realizes how much I truly love her to have stuck by her side during all this. After all, she is not looking for a new man, I think she is looking for a way to let me in to her heart again. I just have to find the right path!

[cruiserrg]

Marc,

Patience my friend, time can heal most wounds.

It is good she talked with you. It was good that you were empithetic while she was complaining. Just remember to listen and not try to "fix things". There is a thread in newcomers about "a failure to communicate" and I posted toward the end all the things I have learned about commincation. It was what my W and I have always struggled with.

I think you need to give her space and time, just like I have done with my W. You have to let go of your fears and take a "leap of faith" to trust her judgements. If she sees you genuinely care and trust her she will be more comfortable to open up to you.

You also have to let your fear of her MF go. You have no control over it and if you give her any indication you don't trust her with him (even if its him you don't trust) she will back away. Women need to know thier men trust them. Trust me I have learned the hard way.

I have read through some of your post, but I think you need to set some goals for yourself. Some just for you, and some that she will notice. It may help to type them out here and get some input on them. You have to lovingly detach yourself from the sitch so the pain won't be so bad.

I have come to learn this just recently, and I find that I can be happy alone and when I am not with my W. Once you get to this place she will notice and will want to be a part of your life. Even if it doesn't work out, you have to be happy with yourself. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

Start some goals and lets get to work.

Take care.

[marc_d]

Well, I went out to dinner last night in NYC with some mutual friends of ours and I had a lot of fun. It was for someones B-day and I met a lot of new people too. Anyways, When I was about to start driving home, I text messaged her and just said, "hey, how are you?" And she called me right away instead of texting me back. I pulled over to talk so I wasnt driving back to jersey on my phone and wound up talking for an hour!

Once again, she vented to me most of the time about problems with her sisters and this ski trip coming up. I am becoming a pro at being a good listener. She also told me how she talked to her mom on the phone on thursday or friday.(her mother relocated with her job to North Carolina right before we went on the break). Her mom asked her about me and her and whats going on because her father told her Im never at the house anymore.

My GF didnt really respond to her questions. But her mom said, well I understand that sometimes things just dont work out and sometimes people change. My GF was silent after her mom said these things. Then she said, is that what happened? And my GF just said, "yeah".

At first it hurt me but I was able to bring back my positive thinking. Part of me does feel like she needs to fully admit to herself and her family about whats happening before she can fully appreciate what she might miss. And, hopefully without pressure from her family about me, she can stop blaming me for that.

Well, Im just going to keep remembering how strong her love was for me for so many years, and I must have faith in her and the Lord that a love like that wont dissapear. Also, she told me last month its not too late and that its just going to take time. So, I am going to stay on track!

Oh, one more thing! While on the phone with her, when we talked about the ski trip, I asked if her man friend was bringing another friend still and she said she didnt know because she hasnt really talked to him. That made me happy. But I know she has nothing for him and I have been much better in accepting her friendship with him.

So, today I am bored and I asked her to lunch today last night but she said she wasnt sure because she might be busy at home and to call her back today. Ill call her but I wont push the subjuect. Besides, if I dont see her until the ski trip, it gives me time keep working out at the gym I joined and blow her away when she sees me!

I have gotten in so much better shape, even Im shocked. I cant wait until she can see me in the warmer weather when I wear t-shirts again! its hard to see the drastic changes in winter clothes.

Oh, I also just remembered, I tried to end the call a few times because she sounded tired last night and she kept me on! So, Everytime I try to end a call, she never lets me go. She always wants to stay on. Thats a great sign right?! Well, Ill end it like this for now. I know I write a lot but its good for me. helps me remember positive things. Ok, pray for me everyone!

[marc_d]

Well, Im feeling a little down today and felt upset most of yesterday. I think its because she turned down my offer to go out because she had a lot of cleaning to do around the house. I guess she also wanted to keep her dad company. I know these are valid reasons but I became upset still.

I went to school and did some reading and I thought that would keep my mind busy but it didnt. I got really down last night. I went to church before I went home and prayed, and cried too. I felt better when I left but the emptiness came back when I got home for a while and hit me this morning like a ton of bricks when I woke up.

I guess the reason I am upset is because I feel that after giving her space to tell her family in January about us, I feel like I lost some momentum. But, maybe not. Maybe when she told me on New Years weekend how its not too late and we just need time, she scared herself about letting herself be too open to me too soon so she backed off a bit?

I also think I should not have tried to ask her out so soon again. Maybe I should have attempted to make this an every other weekend thing. Well, at least I have not been visibly pushy to her, or upset.

Also, she told me how she was helping her sister bake stuff for her sisters and BF's anniversary. Her sister asked her about our anniversary coming up and saying isnt it going to be 8 years? And my GF was kind of just like, whatever and avoided it. It was hard hearing it but I didnt let it get me down too bad. I think I really have to try to make plans that day to keep me side tracked. V-day is going to be rough too but my friend from CT is going into NYC for the day with his girl and he asked me to meet them laster in the day for some drinks so at least I can get out and do something.

I have an appt. with my counsler tonight, so I hope I can get some good feedback from her.

[marc_d]

oh, just to make it a little clearer. When her mom asked about us, this is what they both said.

Mother: so, I heard Marc isnt around the house anymore?

GF: ....

Mother: Well, I know sometimes things just dont work out and you two met really young and sometimes people change. Is this what happened?

GF: uhhhh.... yeah.

She seemed very hesitant in saying this is what happened as if she isnt 100% sure herself. And I know she still isnt telling her family outright about us, only dropping hints. I am going to try and look at this as a good thing that she isnt making it public and announcing its over.

What do you think?

[cruiserrg]

Marc,

you will have those times when you feel down, they get easier over time though. To help this you really need to stop analyzing everything so much. Does it really matter her exact conversion? Will it help you achieve your goal? Will it change the sitch or what you do?

This is part of the loving detachment you need to work on. You need to be able to take her not going out like a friend would, not a enstranged lover. Even if things were great there would be time you wouldn't be able to spend together.

She is talking with you and opening up to you about her concerns with her life. That is really positive and shows that she still wants a friendship. You need to be there for her as a friend, and hopefully it will develope back to a closer connection.

Start working on the detaching, look at your relationship now as a friend. Be there for her when she needs you, and learn to be ok when she can't be there. Your needs have to go to the back burner for now.

Start working on goals for yourself, and always have a backup plan for when she cancels. Go out and have fun and start working on your live, she will see this and hopefully will want to be a part of it.

You have to come to a point where you don't need her to be happy. You have to become happy without her. That will allow you to not be hurt as much, and having her back will just be icing on the cake that is your happy life. I have just recently learned this, so I know its a lot harder to say than do, but it can and must be done.

Lastly, let her some to your looking to spend time. I think calling her to ask her to do things so often is pressuring her. You really want her to pursue you. It wasn't until my W worried about losing me that she started coming back.